To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

lip
Most SAHMs are perfectly happy to admit they would like to work more.

And I do actually feel sorry for your children. Every parent, working or not, should sit down every so often and think about what their child might be feeling.You think it's repulsive to consider that your child might really be missing you. I feel sorry that they have no one in their lives who cares about that. My children see me for chunks of each day or all day and actually ask them how they feel about it and other stuff. Regularly.

Apply for the job. You might get an interview. If you get an interview you might get a job offer. If you get an offer you will know how you really feel about it. At the moment you are talking about something that there’s no certainty you’d even get!

And surely this isn’t the only job out there? You could look for something part time and get the best of both worlds. Personally I wouldn’t want to be away from my children that much but everyone is different

Here's something that women don't always own. Most women I know made a decision early on about going for a 'big career' (and planning time away with children later on) or going for a job as a 'second salary' (and often playing a supportive role to the main breadwinner with the trade off that mum can stay home). I know many women who felt they had a perfect right to choose either of these options - and they do, but do they really have the right to choose either of these options five years down the line when their partner is heavily committed at work and their child exists and needs a parent for more than ten minutes a day?

It seems a little unreasonable, if you have agreed with your husband that he's going to work all hours so you have the freedom to stay home, to suddenly play the feminist card and demand that you change places. How is he supposed to make that happen for you? It also seems unreasonable, having envisaged having a child and actually spending significant amounts of time with the child, to suddenly throw that idea out the window with no accountability or acknowledgement that the child might very well be the loser here.

I understand things change and some women, having tasted life as a SAHP, need to abandon the idea. But it's not without cost to everyone else in the equation and we're fooling ourselves to take it lightly. Children don't have that option.

For two very young children to barely see either parent for the duration of the working week isn't great for them, and I think you know that. By all means go back to work, but look for something part time and/or a bit more local.

I agree with NotBeforeCoffee - apply for the job as you don't have to properly make up your mind unless and until offered the job. By then, you will have a better idea of whether it is really feasible and right for you, or you will have got cold feet. Either way, the experience will be useful to you for future applications.

At the moment this is a pleasant pipe-dream. You could apply for the job and see what happens. You may get the job at which point you have a decision to make.

FWIW I am very contented in my job and delighted that I have it now that both kids have finished school. I genuinely spring out of bed with a smile on my face and check my diary and plan the day. It's great to have a fulfilling job.

We managed the early years in a variety of different ways as the children's needs changed. I worked much more locally and would do a couple of days pickup at 3 and do the whole running them home and doing stuff with them, and fired up the laptop after they'd gone to bed. DH did the same. It was absolutely fine.

When my son was 9 months old I started a full time job. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I regretted it straight away. After few months I talked to my boss that I couldn't continue working full time hours. Surprisingly he let me change to part time hours. It worked ok the end but the first 3 months was hard. I know many people that are fine specially if they have good childcare but I struggled a lot. Part time is definitely preferable. It wait a bit if you can.

Softsheen,look for something part time and/or a bit more local is that to her dp?

Sounds as though you want it and are unhappy being at home so not sure why you are asking random internet strangers for support. I was a SAHM until my children were much older, loved every minute, treasured it and didn’t need external validation or stimulation but not everyone is the same.

Lipstick It could be for either, depending on their individual circumstances.

I think the fact that you would both be working long hours and would both be away alot would be very hard on your little ones,especially as they have been used to having you there alot, as there will be times being so young when they just want or need mummy and daddy.I think if you had a close grandparent, auntie or uncle who could care for them that would be somewhat better, but as much as a nanny could be great with them on the face of it, that person does not love and have the bond with them like mummy, daddy or even a relative would, and won't be in their lives forever.They could get close to her then she leaves, which would be difficult for them.Of course your needs matter and you should be able to work if you want to, but I think with little ones, shorter days and less hours is key, especially if it's financially viable for you

I haven't read all the posts, just scanned through, but my kids are now grown up and I worked long hours, with two short mat leaves, because I had to, rather than through choice. Would always have wanted to work part-time, but it was not a good option as DH's job wasn't secure enough for this.

My son tells me that he has never had any sense of losing out because of my job, but our daughter does seem to feel that she did. She still says she would do the same thing herself, if in a similar position, but I have deep regrets that she feels she lost out. She is conscious that I was not often able to take her to after school activities and childcare sometimes meant she could not go to things she wanted to do. If I could go back and change the past I would do it, for that reason alone.

There will be other opportunities for you in the future OP, if you decide not to take this job. But I quite understand why you want to work. Not least when I see marriages breaking up, women left without workplace skills and ex-Hs who are resentful of having to pay for support.

I’m in the no camp.
Why chose to have children if you later decide not to stick it out and pass them to someone else to care for them.
Surely you could wait a few more years until they start school?

I’ve sort have been there, with a fab highly paid job that really challenged me but with a massive commute. My DS1 lives with his dad so saw him at the W/e anyway, but DS2 was in nursery from 6 months old for 52 hours a week. It worked for a few years, but was too much in the end. I am bloody glad for the opportunity though - wouldn’t change it.

I have a professional job and work 3 days a week, it works for me and I'm not sure I could cope with full time right now!

Taking this particular job out of the equation are you secure financially OP? As I understand it you are not married and your DP is self employed? On the face of it that could make you really vulnerable financially if you were to split up (you might have arrangements in place of course).

Maybe A job if not THIS job. Good luck.

What was the point of having them if you only see them for an hour a day. Find a job that is more of a time balance.

Another way to look at it is what is the good of staying home if it bores you to tears. Children deserve to be cared for by an interested and enthusiastic adult. If the op is finding her days boring and understimularing no doubt her children feel the same.

Going out to work may be the best thing all round. I’m a firm believer that under 3s are best off in 1-1 care and if a parent is able to provide a loving, stimulating environment then they are best off at home. If they don’t want to be at home then childcare is best. As good quality as possible obviously.

Sorry to post and run without RTWT, but my experience of going back to work full time was unbelievably positive.

I’ve got 3 dcs, and have always worked full time, although in a number of different roles/companies. Overall, when I enjoy my work and am in a challenging and stimulating environment, I’m a happier person and a waaaaay better mother.

On a practical note: your youngest is 8months right now. It will take approx 4-8 weeks for the hiring company to work throught their recruitment process. If you are successful, you will then agree a start date. If you were currently in full time employment, that would be a minimum of 1 month away (ie following your notice period) and more likely 3 months or longer. Why could you not agree a similar start date that would take you to around the 12 month mark? That’s very different to 8 months

Two other points:

1. Is there an option to work from home 1 or 2 days a week?
2. Even though it was tough at times, I am hugely grateful my dh encouraged and supported my decision to work....now my dcs are 13,10 & 8 I look back and realise how close I came to packing it in, and how much I would regret that now.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Would the organisation consider you doing the role as a job share with someone else?

Oh FFS we can’t win, can we? Bloody mother guilt! Because I have been what is delightfully known as “The Trailling Spouse” of an expat husband for the last twelve years, I’m going to have to completely start at the very bottom of the ladder and I am 46 and very experienced. I am even thinking of totally retraining and going into a different career completely because it feels like eating shit. You do what feels right. That fire in your belly is telling you something. You may not find it again - and if you do, you may have been left behind. My three kids have proven to be much more resilient than I would have given them credit for and in many ways I wish I had been able to work more and be available less. (So that they were more independent thinkers - especially the boy - but that’s a whole other story.) Do what works for you and don’t look back UNLESS you find it doesn’t feel right, then quit.

Take the job
Prove your worth to them this will put you on good position to ask for different hpurs e.g. 80 %
Good nanny dc will be fine
Cleaner too so weekends are family time not chores.
Keep kids up later so you do books at bedtime.
Enjoy nice holidays.

Try for 6 months.

If you unmarried even more important you have own income

I think a consistent attachment figure is important, so if you could pin down a nanny to some kind of minimum term commitment that might work. Would you have energy to spend quality time with them though, working full time and with the travel? Is there a possibility you could work from home some days per week so at least you could cut down on the travel? Alternative, retrain via distance learning for something that fits better, e.g. teaching or similar which is term time.

I agree that if you can afford it, which it sounds like you can, I would get a nanny.