To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

I think you should go for it and apply.

Many mothers think staying at home until the kids are at school is a better way of doing things. But, as has been mentioned upthread, once at school it is so less flexible. Finding wrap around care, illness care, time off for meetings, parent's evening, performances, sports day, inset days and of course the weeks of school holidays is a struggle for a lot of parents.

Get in a good role now so in a few years you can get that flexibility.

I'd say go for it. I work long hours and have never bought into the "missing out on so much time with them" bullshit that others throw in my direction. I make the time I have with my children matter. I know for a fact when I have oodles of time with them that the quality is diluted. My personal experience. I absolutely value my career and the balance it gives me. I live in a rural area too and, much as I love it, it would drive me crazy to centre my life there all day every day.

Why don't you try it, and see how it goes? If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything.

My mum went back to work when I was 8 months old.

Watching her in a job she loved and was passionate about, and seeing her career progress as I grew up, inspired me and motivated me.

I work in a different field, but growing up it never occurred to me that I wouldn't also be perfectly capable of having a successful working life and be able to do the kinds of things I watched her do.

When she succeeded I got to share in her excitement and be part of her celebrations. I got to see my mum happy and fulfilled, doing something that mattered to her and that she enjoyed.

As I got older she was able to use her experiences in the workplace and her field to help me, to teach me, to support me. We were able to have discussions about experiences she'd had at work, the perspectives she'd gained and how they had changed over time. She used her workplace experiences to broaden my horizons and my ability to understand the world.

As an adult I'm proud of her and all that she achieved. I have genuinely never felt like I missed out or was disadvantaged. Quite the opposite.

When I remember my childhood I don't remember what time she got home from work, I remember all the things we did do together, and the way she shaped my life. I remember that she was there when I woke up from nightmares. She was there to help with homework, she was there to take me on adventures at the weekend and in holidays, she was there to teach me how to put on my school uniform.

Whichever decision is the right decision for you will have a positive impact on them. Making yourself miserable is unlikely to do them much good. It sounds like a brilliant opportunity for you, but only you know if it will make you happy or not. Don't let other people (or the Daily Fail) guilt trip you out of it if it's what you want to try (it's not like you're committing yourself to it for life!), or pressure yourself into it if you're not interested.

I have never understood why people have children then have someone else bring them up

So you and your DH are both SAHP? Or why did he have children?

Yes,damn selfish to work and be a +ve role model,imbuing good values

Is being a positive role model, imbuing good values a sole bastion of the working parent?

Why do these threads always descend into both “sides” trying to defend their own corner by either implicitly or explicitly criticising the other.

SAHP aren’t better than WP
WP aren’t better than SAHP.
Both are valid choices.

OP - in your position I would definitely go for the interview, when you know you’ve got it - then you can agonise over it. If you don’t get it, your response to that may help to clarify your thinking.

See all this 'you'll never get the time back' also applies to your career. I've seen so many posts just on MN about 'Been a SAHM for many years, can't get any kind of job now'. Most people still have a long life ahead of them after kids are in school. That's many years of potentially fulfilling, interesting and rewarding career you're likely losing by staying home for all the precious moments.
(Oh and yes, my mum always worked. I'm very proud of her achievements and have plenty of memories of stuff we did. She would have been a terrible SAHM, it's not for everybody).

Go for it. You can always quit if it does not work. But I'm sure you will regret it if you don't try.

Spot on,Katharina. Mn is also populated by mums regretting giving up work
My kids have been to enriching trips,exciting places,things they asked for too
They can’t remember. Might as well have sat them at home with heating on full pelt

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM (I certainly wasn't!). My children are teens now and occasionally I do wonder if I would have been a 'better mother' had I not chosen to work when they were younger, but I LOVE my work and they have the benefit of having a mum who bears no resentment towards them for having 'sacrificed' the paid work she loves.

Go for the interview and see what comes of it!

Try it, if you don't like it, then you can quit- I'm not advocating leaving people in the lurch, but the worry people have is that they make a change and then are stuck with something they don't like- in reality, if you end up unhappy in the job, then you can leave and go back to what you are doing now. It seems to me like you are a bit unhappy at the moment and therefore the most sensible thing to do is to do something about it. Kids thrive with contented parents, regardless of what shape that takes. If you see them less, you'll just have to concentrate on making sure it's quality time- I work full time, i've worked part time, i've taken time out to be a SAHM, and currently my husband is the one at home full time, and the children have not shown any sign of suffering at any point, they are incredibly adaptable, and when i've had a nanny at various points they've loved both of our nannies as well. The main thing is not to choose one particular route and beat yourself up before you've given it a chance, or you won't enjoy it anyway.

When I read the title I thought you meant a job abroad or something - like where you actually wouldnt see your kids. An hour before bedtime, putting them to bed, weekends, holidays, isnt this what most people do? Just do it - I don't get why there is still such a big deal over grown adults having a job just because they have kids.

My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home.
But you say you're bored now -- what makes you think you won't still be bored at home in a year's time?
'More structure to your days' doesn't sound as if it will in any way make up for being bored out of your skull; you say he is supportive but I wonder if he wants you to stay at home.

Go for this job -- you can make the decision if and when you get it . And ask yourself if you'll regret it forever if you don't at least try it.

I have no doubt it would add extra stress and arguments over who takes time off when DC are sick/appointments etc. I could be surprised but I imagine my DP would be very reluctant and would go down the "I can't take time off" route and I'm not sure I want to open up that can of worms...
That’s the very issue there,op knows her dp won’t accommodate change,or adapt his behaviour. She doesn’t want to go there and he’s already fobbing her off with wait a Year. Year time he’ll not feel differently and her job offer will be a distant memory

I think it’s vital to be fulfilled and have good mental well being and if this job will do it for you then go for it.

However, I think unless there is some flexibility/part time opportunities you will regret it in the future. They are young for such a short period of time and need you so much when they are so little. BUT i also agree that you could try it and quit if you don’t like it. Just don’t have regrets (either way!) Think hard OP

They are young for such a short period of time and need you so much when they are so little
I never read this in context on mn dads,I never see a reproach about man who works
It’s always the mum getting the sage warnings,the you’ll miss making memories speech

i did this for 3 months when ds was 10 months old.
exhausting.
wishing you could split yourself in two.

totally personal decision op.

Give it a rest, Lipstick, your scorn of SAHP borders on the pathological.

I'm the main earner. We can comfortably live on my salary. Oddly, DH has never been told that as we're not desperate for money, he shouldn't work and should think of the children.

Read carefully blue,I’m asking what about the dads why aren’t they asked to be flexible
Why aren’t men on mn routinely reproached for working.told what they’re missing
or is it only working mums who miss memories?is their working more noteworthy

G5000,yes isn’t it notable a mum with a well earning partner is advised be sahp
Man with a well earning partner is never advised to give up work,told its only money

As someone else said earlier, you will always have guilt as a mother. You feel guilt if you can’t attend class assemblies or things in the day, and you feel guilty if you miss work commitments because dc are ill.

I just think being a mum is hard, but it’s the most important job you’ll ever have. There is no easy solution.

Personally I had three children in a four year period. I have always worked. I always itched to get back and I love my job. I have flexibility which helps a lot, but for me really it’s having financial independence. It would never sit well with me that I have to in anyway account for what or how I spend money, my dh would never ask me to but I would feel it. If I want to leave next week well i could, it’d be hard but I have money in the bank and earn my own living. I have nothing against sham, but my dm was a sham and she always instilled in us the need to have access to our own money. I think this is especially important if you’re not married.

Apply for the job, see if you get an interview, take it from there. If you get the job then consider it. I would give it a go, you can always resign if it isn’t working or you genuinely hate it.

I think you should maybe apply for the job, attend the interview (if you get one), and then make a decision. Your gut reaction at each stage will probably tell you all you need to know.
And I say that as a long term sahm, who’s had a few part time jobs along the way but never a career. It wouldn’t make me happy - it would give me the fear not the fire in my belly!! But we’re all different, and maybe it could be right for you.

Don’t get the guilt thing,I’ve never felt guilt at all.nadda.im working.its no biggie

I feel so stressed and impatient a lot of the time which makes me think I'm just not very good at being a SAHM

I think most SAHMs feel stressed and impatient a lot of the time.
That doesn't mean they're not very good at it. It just means that it's hard work to do it well. I found it incredibly rewarding, but like a pp one of my children has severe sen so I didn't really have a choice.

Both have moved out now, one to live with her partner and the other to 24 hour supported living (when she was 30).

I have no regrets.

It's a hard one because of the hours, but my mother was a SAHM to my dsis and dsis just has horrible memories of her childhood with a depressed mother. DM had a job while I was growing up and I missed her but otherwise have good memories.