To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

Hi Peaky

God 8 months is so hard - you're still in the thick of it with the baby, you are feeding them ALL THE TIME with the whole mild + real food thing, all the lack of sleep has accumulated to peak levels, and the toddler is at peak craziness / energy / madness. You could even be potty-training. It is mind-sapping, will-destroying, patience-exhausting drudgery, even on the good days.

So for you.

You don't actually have to make this decision until you have been offered the job, right? So maybe apply first and then see?

And then one of the things you will need to see is if you can find a good nanny, someone you trust 100% and are totally comfortable with. If you (like me with PFB) find it hard eg leaving LOs with in-laws, then finding this person is actually quite hard, especially if you are super-rural. Live in or live out?

So if you do this job the babies will be 5/7 days with a nanny and 2/7 days with parents. They'll see neither of their parents M-F every week?

Is there no chance of a job that wouldn't keep you away from them quite so much? Or of your DH changing his working hours to see more of them?

I dunno, maybe go for the interview and see if there's some flexibility to be had?

I have to be honest, I think not seeing either parent 5/7 days a week seems a bit much but clearly lots of people think it's fine. You'd need a bloody good nanny to trust them with that much time though! Can you even get a nanny that would cover that many hours? Maybe you'd need two?

Maybe she needs a helicopter
Maybe two nannies isn’t enough
Let’s catastrophise what most people manage with out hoo ha or 2 nannies

If it's possible try and look for balance across both of your roles. If they really want you, they'll agree 4 days. But I would absolutely be expecting my partner to do 4 days too (I do a compressed week 5 days over 4- DP does a 4 day week. He's the lower earner anyway). And if it's 'not the done thing' where he (?) works- tough. Women have been taking the career hit for eons.

This is especially important as he is your partner and not your husband.

Fwiw, I went back at 7 months and 10 months both times to a job I loved with a lot of travelling. It had the benefit of being senior and independent enough I could be reasonably flexible but I was also away 1 week in 4. I don't regret it a bit. I work in a role that creates social good. I find looking after small children stressful and a bit boring and I adore work.

I am 100% more engaged and present with the children when I am there because I work. Looking after small kids isn't for everyone- I want to put in the hours now so I can be more flexible when they're a bit older.

There also seems a rather pervasive assumption on this thread that women work for pin money. Some of us are the main breadwinner.

Ps I would also agree with applying anyway as then there is a conversation to have.

tildaMa Exactly. Which is why, if you read my post properly you'll see that I talk about both parents.

But it really shouldn't be a race to the bottom in terms of who gets to spend most time away from the child. Of course it's nice to go out to work. Of course it's nicer to be the person going. I would be the last to say men should get first dibs on it. But just because one person is out all the hours of the day doesn't mean the other should automatically get to do the same. It means both partners need to sit down and work out something different.

I have never understood why people have children then have someone else bring them up unless it is forced upon them by circumstances (e.g. partner leaving.)
Little ones are little for such a few years during which time their characters are moulded. I'll never forget the wonderful bonding during those formative years. Very soon they will be off to school at which point a career becomes a much more viable option.

I’m an older mum my daughter has just started uni but what I will say from my years of experience of working since she was 10 months, is that you’ll feel guilty whatever you do. If you’re not with them or not working. My daughter says that the fact that I worked in a career was a great role model for her. She’s hard working herself and enjoyed the time she did spend with me. Lots of days out. You just have to make sure that the weekends our for you to spend with the children so it’s quality time not quantity. If you can get help with cleaning etc. It means your weekends are free for the kids. You’ll need to organise yourself, like online shopping. You’ll regret it if you don’t at least try.

chunki makes a good point about the hecticness of life if you both work full-time with young kids. There is very, very little time for anything other than work and kids, and hyper-organised handover between you and DH and nanny. For me, my social life, fitness levels etc have all taken a hit. I have no hobbies. And actually I have started to resent work a bit as a result.

Bloody hard to get it right.

But what I wonder of both parents is, why have them? Just so you can have a cosy, sentimental little half hour? They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask for this situation. It was all dreamt up for them by adults who seem to feel they have a God given right to leave these little people to be cared for almost entirely by someone else, usually a succession of someone else's. No one wants to chain anyone to a house. Go to work all you want. Just don't have these little people waiting eternally for someone who won't come home until the sweet bit where you get to sing a song and turn the mobile on and tiptoe out of the room. There's a word for that. It's selfish.

thanks esspee a nod to my 17:00 post the why have em to let someone else raise them
And a nod to its only money ,you’re only allowed to work following desertion

She also has a great relationship with her father as he got to do the school pick ups etc.

Heartsease,I see you’ve risen up in a froth about selfish parents
Yes,damn selfish to work and be a +ve role model,imbuing good values
Should be hanging around making memories for little people

Lip Why do you feel the need to slap this point of view down so much? Are you afraid of entertaining the thought?

These threads are always so frustrating, they always turn into that tedious "Why don't fathers have these decisions to make?" riff.

OP, I hated being a SAHM, I was bored too but back in those days there was little choice - almost no child care available and it woûld have wiped out anything I'd have earned. While I sympathise, seeing your children for an hour a day when they're so young seems really sad, especially if it's not a financial necessity. Surely there's a way of using your brain that doesn't entail seeing so little of your children?

I do enjoy your emotive terms, little people! Was children not drippy enough

Also lip your toddler doesn't know why you're going. There is not a study in the world that would show a baby/toddler being able to make the connection that mummy/daddy is gainfully employed and this is a far, far better thing than relating to me etc.

It’s not tedious in least to challenge male parenting privileges
Or why so many women acquiesce and accept their dp can’t/won’t share childcare
It’s tedious to see the advice as how she has to be flexible,family friendly or put career of. Same advice not routinely recommended to the dad

Ease,yes your right there is no such study because your premise is ridiculous
And given your agenda and emotive terms I’d doubt your impartiality

I would apply but, for me, I would not accept unless I could negotiate part time. I have a good job but am lucky enough to be able to work part time and drop off and pick up from school every day. I am now looking to reduce my hours further. My husband sees the girls every morning and most evenings and he too is looking at ways to flex to see them more. I found the early years tough and probably would have gone for longer hours and a commute but as time has gone on, I have enjoyed parenting much more and found it easier. I would find it tough never to see my kids teacher, never to have them point out their new mate in the playground, never to help them with their reading or homework in the evening, never to see them master a new skill at an activity club, never fight with them about eating their dinner etc.

Different if you need to work full time but if you don’t, I would consider carefully in the event of a job offer. Plus we should all stop accepting the assumption that the vast majority of jobs HAVE to be full time. They don’t.

People are saying they need you less as they get older but I don’t think this is right. They just need you in different ways.

'Waiting eternally'...

They'd also know if they were waiting eternally for someone to buy food or for a roof over their heads.

Both parents going out to work is not a new phenomenon. My great grandmother and her husband worked full time. It's not been invented by Shirley Conran and Sheryl Sandburg. I don't disagree that everyone needs to seek balance- but that is for all members of the family.

We actually find it easier to manage the house for working- not as many meals to think about, doesn't get as messy, can exercise or admin on the way to work.

heartsease68

Do you realize that some parents don't have a choice but to work?
My grandmother (now over 100) went back to work when the babies were 2 weeks old. She didn't have a choice. All her children are successful hardworking family orientated people. Now retired ofcorse. They still have a great relationship.
It's no longer possible for many people to have a one income family.
In many cases where a relationship breaks down the mother is left on the breadline in part time min wage jobs just to get by. You rarely see the father in this position having worked through the baby years and now splashes the cash on the kids.

Mothers want fairness and the right to work for their and their children's future.

You aren't a lesser parent because you work.

I was in a similar position OP - I don’t need to work financially. But I needed to for my own sanity. I envy mothers who can stay at home - it’s what I thought I’d always want, but I just couldn’t hack it. It’s the hardest job in the world being a SAHM!

I was lucky in that I could go back 3 days, but why not just apply for the job, if you get it go for it, and if you hate being away from them you can just quit and either go back to being a SAHM or try and find something more flexible. And once you’re in the might be more flexible about wfh days etc.

As someone who knows what it’s like to have a mother who was rarely around, please don’t... Not judging you in the slightest.

Your toddler isn't able to realise that it's better for him, somehow, to see the most important people in his life for half an hour a day when he's too drowsy to relate.

Just saying.

Yes, I understand in some families it is the best solution. But not as a feminist issue.