To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

It seems a little unreasonable, if you have agreed with your husband that he's going to work all hours so you have the freedom to stay home, to suddenly play the feminist card and demand that you change places

Where did you get this from? Did you actually read it somewhere or did you just make it up?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee

Many of your responses seem to be anger at the unfairness of society's higher expectation of mums rather than dads.

Let's just remove that aspect though; what do kids need growing up and can that be achieved if both parents work F/T long hours each weekday as in the OP?

I think I’ll pass at the suggestion that I moderate my responses
You by all means can acquiesce to inequality,or ask other women to ignore it
male privilege sidestepped & ignored whilst woman is berated for considering working
So,no I’ll not ignore. Don’t bother suggesting it again

I doubt anyone lies on their death bed thinking "I should of worked more or I'm glad I worked so much" but I bet they do think I wish I'd spent more time with my babies/children. I'm also a very big believer in the saying you work to live, you don't live to work. And id rather be spending my time with my babies and children you can't get that back. One hour a day (If that) with their mum, Is not enough. I'd look for part time hours or a full time job with the option for working from home some of the time.

Apply for the job,all this only becomes a question if you get it.
Being unmarried though you do need some kind of job as you have no security at the moment,so apply for this one and look around to see what else is on offer.
A nanny will give your children a constant while you are working and also cover when they are sick.
I find it worrying that you can't discuss with your partner how sharing childcare will go between you,mainly because you know it will all be thrown to you.I think I remember your previous thread and getting a job will at least give you choices about your relationship.
Your children will see you for bedtime and weekends and will not remember the early years.That they feel secure with a nanny or nursery when you aren't there is what matters.

Thanks again for all your replies. It's very interesting to read the different perspectives, I find myself agreeing with most of them! That's the crux of it isn't it? Like most parenting decisions there's no "right" answer to be had.

I doubt anyone lies on their death bed thinking "I should of worked more or I'm glad I worked so much" but I bet they do think I wish I'd spent more time with my babies/children

There are plenty of people who are thankful that they had (or wish they had made different choices and had) a fulfilling interesting career, doing something they love.

But being in a career will eventually payoff and the kids benifit in the longer term as you are able to go on holidays and have nice gifts and help them through uni or contribute to weddings or house deposits -

How many woman are on the breadline in dead end jobs because they stayed home and raised kids?

Take the job. If it’s not working for you in 9 months, give notice.

No one wants to think about relationships breaking down when everything is good because it seems almost disloyal. It is something that you need to think about though. You aren’t married and your DP runs his own business. You need to ensure that you can support yourself and your DC in the future if things don’t work out.

Nice to see you know what's really important greentulip.

Emotional health can't be bought. A nice holiday and a nice present and even a house will not put a dent on feeling like you didn't come first with your parents. I've talked to do many poor little rich kids. I know this.

If you're already mortgage free at this stage of your life could you move closer to the job so the commute is a non issue? That way you get the best of both worlds.

I went back to work part time when dd was born and it was perfect all round. OP, you obviously want to work but maybe this many hours right from the start is going to be a headache. Why not start job hunting for exactly the right thing?

With regard to dads - my dp was a selfish arsehole and refused to allow having a kid to change anything he did. Needless to say, we broke up when dd was 3 and I managed working and being a single mum. I have a great relationship with dd, now 16. She didn’t see her dad for 10 years as he couldn’t be arsed but now he’s back on the scene a bit but she has no respect for him.

And I work full time now, v busy, and have a dh who does way more ‘home-based’ stuff than me. I’m the money earner but I wouldn’t be if I hadn’t gone back to work.

I always wonder with SAHMs, don’t you feel nervous about not having your own income? Being reliant on a partner’s income? What if they piss off and leave you?

heartsease68

But how many poor kids have you spoken too? You know those with no food or heating?

So, you want to continue your career now you've had kids - I think it's really important that you and you DP between you find a way to allow you to do so. Afterall, he wanted to carry on working after he had kids, and you accommodated it (by being a SAHM). Now he needs to do the same for you.

It's his turn to take career-hit. It won't matter that there's less money coming in from his business, because you'll be making up the short-fall (probably more-than-making up). So he needs to think of ways in which he can take over a greater share of the childcare:

• Taking fewer contracts
• Only taking those close to home so he can guarantee doing all the school pick-ups
• Taking on a partner?
• Increasing his rates - fewer jobs, but better pay for the ones he does?

He'll probably find this very hard, because his sole focus for years has been maximising profit. But now he needs to find a way to scale back and maximise time with his family.

Another thought - would the role you want to apply for allow flexi-hours? Could you start early and end early to get 1h 30 with the kids each night instead of 1 hr?

This is such an interesting question.

I have two friends at the moment who are planning wrap around childcare, 7 - 7 Mon - Fri, is possibly one day off a week. In one couple the husband wil also have one day off a week, so there is balance there between male / female.

Personally I took a 35k pay cut to be with my DC 2 days a week and have the flex to do nursery drops and pick ups. They’re usually there 9 - 4:30 for three days. Then weekends are family time. I say this because clearly I made a particular choice that, in large part, was based on my DC and their needs (bad birth, trauma, ongoing health issues, anxiety etc). However, I find my job enormously satisfying and frankly, for me, going back to work full time / 4 long days would have been so much better. It’s not all about me though...that’s kind of the deal I made when I had kids. If you’ll resent them then go back to work full time. If not then keep looking for something part time. I totally get the need for balance and personally I found being a SAHM very difficult for lots of reasons (no family nearby, unable to leave house because of birth complications which led to PND, poorly baby, husband who withdrew and needed counselling the list goes on and on). For me, 3 days at work, 2 days mummy time, and two days family time works. My DC couldn’t have coped with more when they were younger and now I enjoy it. Nursery days aren’t definitely easier though!

As you say this isn’t about right and wrong - or male oppression - it’s abkut what’s right for you and your family. Good luck with your decision.

OP, sorry I’ve only skim-read the thread, but it seems to me that you would just be replacing one sense of “unfulfillment” with another by taking this job. Only seeing your kids for an hour at bedtime - could you handle that really? How would you really square that up? You may get some stimulation from the job yes, but the commute sounds a pain and would you not feel totally disconnected from your kids and your family?

If you needed the money, then that would be different, but you say you don’t.

I know people will now pile in to point out men don’t have this dilemma - and that’s true - but men are not women. They don’t give birth, they don’t have the same instincts and associated separation issues. Call it unfair if you must or try and deny it, but ultimately, this is just life and human nature. It is what it is.

Your DC would be ok with a nanny OP, but do you want them to be just ok? There will always be jobs, they come and go, but DC are only little once. Their whole “internal world” is being shaped right now - do you want be the one to influence that, or leave it to someone else for the vast majority of their waking lives?

Inequality or biology? Women carry the growing baby and take maternity leave after birth. Fact. Women are equipped to breast feed. Fact. Attachment theory and supporting evidence states that infants and young children need one consistent, nurturing caregiver in order to thrive. Fact.
So like it or not, a woman with a career who chooses to have a family is going to be at a disadvantage career wise by missing out on up to a year in her job each time she has a child. I don't think the OP was suggesting she wished for her OH to change his working arrangements (though with all those commitments it would be wise to consider the impact on their own relationship and when they will get time together).
A successful career offering more material rewards for the children will not replace the neurological development and secure attachment made by a loving bond between parent and child.
I would say:
-build in time to study at home for a new career or to take qualifications in your existing one.
Or
-get a good nanny and help around the house so that you can be sure of a consistent attachment figure for your children and spend weekend and any other time available having family quality time.
Remember the importance of your relationship.
Be prepared to feel jealous when your children want the nanny for comfort rather than you. That may happen.
I personally wouldn't be looking for a job that involved a lengthy commute or the need to work extra hours/bring work home.

She’sabelter big tick✅ For death bed warning. The cliche list is clocking up
You see I’ll not be on my death bed grateful I didn’t work.i will recall a career I loved.

MissTo,male oppression?well that’s hyperbole.but don’t sidestep glaring inequality
The habitual posts that op shouldn’t work,should seek flexible hrs,should wait
Reinforced by her dp and other women.the onus of parenting and attendance falls on op
The syrupy cliche about making memories,missing precious moments levelled to op. Where is her dp in all this?
The habitual reinforcement of gender stereotypes is a problem,maybe some here don’t think it’s their problem because they’re at home making memories. But it’s a problem impacting others and your dd too when they start careers. On a wider level it affects decision making about and by males.men they don’t routinely ask for flexible hours, take wage cut,go pt or wait. They’re not routinely subject to advice to step down,wait,or don’t

could you write down all the options/thoughts/views available here and then see which ones you zero in on most.so stay at home for a few more years.look for perfect part time fit job.look for similar job to this current option but more flexi hours.take the job and see for 6months.discus with husband how his role would need might need to change.nanny or nursery etc. get it all out of your head so its not swirling round in there.get it down then look.
I cant imagine myself ever wanting to be away from my kids.i think I might try to at least think to be patient with them for the time we have then search for jobs after.people are working later in life now too there is still plenty of time to get your fire going strong again.
but then im not in your mindset right now so I cant blame or think how ur feeling is wrong.its not its how you feeling so its ok.is there anything you can do to be less 'bored' groups.clubs.hobby.anyway you could have the best of both world without having to go from one end of the scale from non work to work.
I think you might be shocked at how it feels to be suddenly away from them so differently.but again I might be wrong.many woman do it happily.
regarding the kids.they need all the love we can give them in the time we have and can give.there are parents that work all the hours but there kids just know from how they are that thye are there everything.and there are parents that work all the hours and there kids are ruined because they just don't give there all to them or let it be known where there priorities still lie.

Don't do it.

Absolutely not. I say this as a mum who has always had to work and is main breadwinner. I can hardly bear it and I do get to see dc for about 2 hours each night - it's not enough.

Something more suitable will come along.

ShesABelter

You've got the nail on the head with that one, for me anyway. I would hate to only see my kids for an hour a day and I'm sure they would hate it too.
I am a sahm, but work from home fulltime, looming after other people's children so I can stay with my kids.

@lipstick I’m not denying that there are real issues with the structure of our society. I completely agree about that. I’m not trying to side step or belittle your views. Gender inequality is a massive issue.

What I am saying, though, is that we should be addressing the questions the OP raised, not making it about a wider agenda (although obviously it’s fine to reference it).

We all have context, baggage, agendas. I have tried to be up front about mine before giving my view.

The habitual reinforcement of gender stereotypes is a problem,maybe some here don’t think it’s their problem because they’re at home making memories.

Sorry if this derails the thread a bit, but I do think this will change. As through history, I think economics always comes first. As more mothers become the higher earners in a couple, I think more men will naturally become the "second" earner wanting flexibility/the SAHP.

At the moment, I think it must be hard for a man in that role. There was a SAHD at my daughter's preschool. I didn't get to know him that well but he obviously tried to get into the parents' groups etc. When we left, he said he'd miss me as I was "one of the only people who treated him like a normal person". I'd never given it any thought; always just spoke to him as I would to any of the other dads. But it struck me then it must have been tough for him. Hopefully this will change as more men do it.

all you posters advising no!dont! You do realise in real life that plenty parents work shifts and/or FT hours. Without hoo has, without attachment issues. Just quietly getting on
And their kids arent glassy eyed and neglected,the parents arent harried and guilty
It’s only on mn that everyone partner is top of his game,affluent with a sahm who just loves making memories

Her dp is self employed he can set his own times within limits and still be available. He can be flexible, he can accommodate. He doesn’t want to, and op she’s reticent to ask. The dp can look at his charging,his work schedule,his order of work and see if changes can be made. He can vary locations of meetings can they have a meeting a mid point location,can he Skype, send attachments,work remotely?

In my opinion the mistake is giving up work completely when a mum as it leaves the partner wholly unencumbered and with no parenting tasks. Never has to finish to collect kids, need picks up when unwell because the sahm does all that. So obviously there is no experience notion of accommodation as he’s never had to do it. Whereas if both worked, and shared parenting the man he’d have to accommodate as it would be his routine, his norm