Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.

A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.

AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

No thars not normal. Me and siblings born 78 to 85 and dont recognise your description of the 90s.

Childminders existed then. It wasnt a massive business and ofstead controlled. You could get random nice people to look after your dc whilat mums worked. They didnt charge an arm and a leg like they have to now.

Car seats and seatbelts were legally required.

Being dirty and unfed is shit for any era.

School uniform wasnt as readily available and cheap so we all made do with fewer items washed less. It wasnt the 50s. Washing machines existed!@

It's the 1990's not the1890's. I was a fully functioning tax paying adult back then. From an impoverished background. No excuse for having dirty kids.

Early 90s are very different to the late 90s. I worked in childcare. In the early 90s there was no regulation about childcare. It did exist in cities, elsewhere it depended. But some of it was totally dire. Terrible venues and ratios. I worked in holiday clubs that would have 1 adult to 25 kids. It really was crowd control.
Nurseries offering childcare were not common as they were too expensive for most people to be able to afford. No childcare vouchers available. Most people used family for childcare.
Rear selt belts only became compulsory to add to cars when being built in 1986. So early 90s plenty of people were driving older cars that had no rear seat belts. And plenty of kids were sat in the back without seatbelts.
Smoking was still common in the early 90s. Clothes were more expensive, so people owned less clothes.
But sending kids in dirty clothes was not common. And kids did have breakfast. And kids were taken to the GP.
So a mixture really. Some things you mention if it was the early 90s are totally understandable, some things not.

Just to add, people did change their clothes less. Two sets of clothes to last the week would have been normal if you were not getting muddy. I used to wear two pairs of trousers a week. But would not have worn them still on Monday.
Also there was far less help if you were low paid with a child, so financially as a lone parent it was harder to make work pay. For plenty of lone parents, they would have earned less working than on benefits. That was not an uncommon situation then.

In the first half of the 1990's childminders weren't as common as they are now, and there was no tax allowance for working mothers to pay for childcare. If she had found a child minder the cost would have come out of her wages.

Never had a car seat when I was growing up

It's almost laughable how people are treating this as ancient history.

Bell It was not long ago at all, but things have changed a lot.

Not really. They haven't changed that much. Dirty unfed children was a safeguarding issue long before the 1990s.
If things go squirrelly with the economy, some people are in for a nasty shock.

Dirty clothes, no breakfast, no medical checks that is bad parenting.
No seating belt, smoking, that was my experience as well (born early 80s) and I believe my parents were just doing what everybody was doing back then...

I don't think things have changed much since the 90s tbh. it is hardly ancient history.
I mean , SS were a thing in the 70s as well..
I remember once my teacher mother kept me off school as my face was so badly battered that she was worried about SS.

..but certainly there were no seat belts...

My older siblings had young children in this era. Unrecognisable description of parenthood on a low income.
We have smartphones now. That's the biggest difference.

Oh and my mum hired a lady to do a mix of cleaning the house and looking after us, I really don't think she had any childcare qualifications and I believe it was all cash in hand. Much easier than it is today to find childcare!

I was born in 1975. I am a "Stately Homes" person myself, I was emotionally and physically abused, although I was not neglected materially the way you were.

The heart condition thing is severe medical neglect That is most certainly abusive.

The always being dirty - neglect

smoking around you - this is awful. People were well aware of the effects of passive smoking. Not everyone smoked. Not everyone smoked around others

The car seat/seat belt thing was normal..... this doesn't negate how serious your undiagnosed condition is though.

The not working is fine, but leaving you alone to do courses is not on It may well be she couldn't work I know plenty of women who struggled until their kids were in high school, but she should have been there for you.

I am sorry that this was your childhood. The most telling thing is your mother blaming you for her hardship. This is not on you. I am poor and I struggle but my children make it all worthwhile I would never throw this at them.

1989 - children under 14 needed seatbelts in the back. By law.

We had a 'nanny' in the 90s but childcare was very different then. Our nanny slept 'on duty' stuck us infront of the TV and we were just fed bog standard kids BSE burgers and frozen pizzas.

I had a lot of friends in families on benefits where the mum (single or otherwise) didn't work and yes they were pretty poor. I have friends now from this kind of background who are quite dishonest about how little their mums worked at the time, as you are right, it does seem hard to justify now.

Some of these families also had old bangers that were utter deathtraps and people weren't too bothered. I think now those people just wouldn't have cars tbh.

By the 90s smoking was in the decline (still high rates in the 70s). Front seat belts were compulsory and back seat belts from 89/90 as I recall - I was about 14/15 when back seat for under 15s was made compulsory. It was enforced from the off from the police so quickly became embedded.

It also saw a huge rise in car ownership and a massive decline in kids walking to school by themselves - once saw the figures and over the decade of the 80s it plummeted.

It also saw a serious rise in working mothers and the growth of proper nurseries and preschools - before it was charities and playschools in the main.

""smoking around you - this is awful. People were well aware of the effects of passive smoking. Not everyone smoked. Not everyone smoked around others ""

That again, varies. I know some very decent people and Parents who smoked around their children until around the time of the smoking ban.

Also, A lot of older Women, who were abandoned by the Father of their children, or single through other circumstances, haven't got the pension credits that really they should have. The whole system was against low paid Women, but single Mums, in particular.

Which is why, now pension credit is inbuilt into some benefits.

Was going to say, this doesn't sound like my 1990's childhood so I don't think these were the norm.

However, my SIL currently has 2 DC and mental health issues- a few of these things resonate with seeing how she struggles to provide for them when she's unwell. No breakfast, lack of attention to medical needs and unwashed clothes in particular.

Just to add- family always intervene at that point as I think awareness of this stuff has improved.

My mum worked part time from th 70s. We were poor. Really don't recognise this description of 90s.

I had my children in the early 70s. They had car seats, though they were expensive to fit because the securing points had to be drilled into the car by the garage. I worked full-time as did most of my friends. My children were in free local authority nurseries.
There was as much diversity in the way people lived their lives then as there is now.

I was born late 70s, no car seats I don’t think, and everyone smoking around us were normal, my brother and I still talk about Sundays sat in the car outside the pub with a bottle of pop to share!

We were always well fed, spotless and well turned out though, and very loved. There’s an awful lot I’d do different but I don’t feel too hard done by overall. My mum was actually a much better parent to us as adults, always there and unfailingly supportive, non judgemental and loving. And a fantastic grandmother. I guess that makes it easier to gloss over some of the dodgier stuff when we were small.

WRT smoking, my grandparents gave up when their grandchildren were born in the 1980s due to passive smoking awareness and not wanting to normalise it, but would have the odd pipe/cigarette around us outside (when my parents weren't looking!) throughout the 90s. They never smoked in the house when we were in the house though.

My daughter was born in 1986 I had one of the first car seats from birth . By then car seats for toddlers was the norm. By the mid 1990s thcars seats were standard and larger car seat that accomodated children aged 1to about 8 with adjustment.

I was a childminder from 1995 to 2001 when ofsted inspections were coming in . Up till then it was overseen by social services.

The first smoking ban at my work was in 1993 . But my parents still got embarrasseed and thought it rude to not let visitors smoke which I hated and had rows with them about .