Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.

A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.

AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

Totally normal to have cat seats in the 1990's. As shit then as it would be now not to have them.

Cheap supermarket school uniform certainly was about in the mid 90s, in contrast to what I have seen written here by some PPs - my DDs had either Tescos dresses (with matching ankle socks with a gingham frill !) and pinafores with polo shirts, though the M&S ones were much, much better quality for only a bit more. Don't know if that is still the case . The logo cardigans (or sweaters ) were the only things that had to be bought via the school and there was also a thriving second hand stall organised by the PTA.

Mostly the same.
Most pictures of my mom in the 90s (all while holding me or my brothers and sisters) she has a fag in her hand.
Long journeys we'd had a duvet over us and no seatbelts so we could all cuddle on the back seat.
We didn't go to dentist or optition appointments.
Spent all my childhood jobless and on benefits with us struggling to get by.

She now has a job and had quit smoking for years. She's still with the youngest siblings father (not my dad) and look like a perfect family.
(Except there's 4 of us older ones that had a shit and poor upbringing).
I don't know if it's the 90s but it all sounds like my childhood aswell (born 1992).

I grew up in the 90’s and car seats/seatbelts were standard, but I think things were a bit more relaxed - I can remember sleeping across the backseat with a pillow and duvet on long car rides, and sitting in the footwell or in the back of the land rover of the car was full. People would probably call social services if you did that now!

I was an adult by then but I agree with crunchymint's assessment a few posts back^^

Childcare was very patchy and not necessarily affordable on a low income. As a child in the 80s I had a hodgepodge of unsatisfactory childcare including an infirm, practically housebound old neighbour - I suppose we were able to keep an eye on each other

People forget how much attitudes to smoking have changed. Smoking in the staff room at work was the norm throughout the nineties. Smoking in front of kids was not uncommon. We were still smoking at our desks in 1999. My boyfriend's and best friends parents smoked in front of them (her parents were lovely and caring in every way, but they were liberally offering round the fags to us at 18). Another friend smoked while holding his baby.

Things like using seatbelts did take a while to take hold. I remember people in the 90s not using them, which I did think was lax, but old habits die hard.

From some things you say I think your DM had mental health issues.

Your childhood wouldn't have looked out of place in the 70s, except the not having breakfast. For the 90s? Depends on geography and much else.

It does sound a bit shit though.

RE car seats, as a 90s kid I'd imagine you've seen Matilda. This was made in 1996. When they bring her home from the hospital they put her in a car seat in the boot and she slides all over. This was to show how bad they were as parents so car seats must have been the norm.

I was born in the 80’s so was a child in the 80’s/90’s and much of what you described was ‘normal’.

My mum never worked until our financial situation became dire as my dad wouldn’t let her. Friends mum’s in single parent families didn’t work as you could get income support until your child was 16.

We did have a house key to let ourselves in but we’re not to tell anyone as being a latch key kid was ‘bad’

Never had breakfast before school – I can’t remember ever having breakfast made for me. Tended to be Frosties or sugar puffs

I had one jumper and one skirt but I think I had a number or shirts. We didn’t have to wear uniform in primary so I used to wear my favourite tracksuit everyday - until a boy pointed this out to me

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

I had a car seat as a baby but not after that. You didn’t need to wear a seat belt in the back of a car until 1991 (and that’s only if they were fitted) So my brother and I never wore them until the law said we had to. Also travelled in the boot of an adult needed the seat which we thought was great fun in the 80’s

Both parents Smoked like a chimney everywhere - no consideration was given to children even when we complained

Without wanting to get all Four Yorkshiremen, I think parents back then just had very, very different standards. My mum absolutely cowers with horror at what she expected me to put up with - walking two miles on my own, aged six, to the place she worked in, so I could sit on my own for three hours - these days she puts her hand to her mouth just thinking of it. Same with uniform - I had one skirt for the whole of secondary school, and perhaps two blouses? These days, she'll buy my DC double that for just a term.

I think there was generally just a more 'it'll be fine, they'll be alright' attitude than we have nowadays. Not saying it was right, but it was much more hands off - I wasn't diagnosed with asthma until my 30s, despite the signs being there from when I was about 8wo.

My mum was lovely & supportive, but she never had much time for me, just left me to get on with things. If my clothes were dirty & she hadn't done a wash, I'd rinse things under the tap instead. If I had to stay home ill, she'd leave a glass of water by my bed, & got off to do other things she had planned. But she gave me her time in so many other ways that I just accept that's how things were then. She wouldn't be like that now, she says so herself - and she's the favourite grandparent of all of her grandchildren. She gives them the time & attention she couldn't give me & my siblings.

As I said, I think most of this would have been considered bad parenting in whatever era -there are plenty of children living like that now, and I certainly had breakfast and a bath every day and clean clothes in the 60-70s. Apart from smoking and car seats, obviously- practically everyone smoked almost continuously in my childhood- my mother was considered a bit odd because she didn't.

Isn’t it bad for the skin to bathe every day?

I was born in the late 70's. We had car seats from birth, good medical/dental care, breakfast (Frosties were a treat in school hols...Weetabix and Ready Brek was the norm), clean uniform everyday...

My mum and all my friends mums were SAHM until we hit secondary school, then we just had door keys.

"back then" ?@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea . Genuinely do not know what you are talking about. You make it sound like the 1930s.

Bad for the skin? Seriously?😂

Maybe that was just my mums excuse then. ¯\(ツ)/¯

The childcare thing i would imagine was cost , i left school over 20 years ago and my first job was paid £130 a week a friend was paying her childminder £80 a week there wasnt any help with childcare costs then either , school uniform was very expensive but cannot understand the not washing them i think i only ever had 2 or 3 uniforms as a child but it was washed as soon as i got home every day and hung on a coathanger to dry in the house so i think that was not really on , my parents smoked in the house , im late 30s and didnt have car seats but my neices and nephews who were born in the early 90s all had them , some of what you say was kind of normal then and some definately seems negligent , i was a lot more independant than most kids now and was able to fix me and my brothers breakfast from about age 5 there was always plenty of choice and my mum would sometimes make us boiled eggs if we were all up early enough

Depending on your skin type, how much you sweat etc I don't necessarily think you need to bathe every day but being dirty is a different thing. Being a dirty kid with greasy lank hair and BO is no fun.

Blue lady I've been told not to bathe my dd everyday as she has eczema, so yes seriously.

OP I have 3 daughters born in 1987.1989 and 1992. So all brought up in the 90s.
I can tell you the 90s were nothing like you describe.
All 3 children had car seats and definitely had breakfast and clean uniform.
I didn't work until the youngest was 8 but other Mothers did. All 3 girls went to Nursery.

There wasn't the same level of financial help towards childcare then as there is now, it probably was financially better not to work than not.

Yes the dirty uniforms wasnt great. Mind you I remember having only 1 or 2 school shirts when I was in school and having to wash them myself overnight to get them dry for the next day (parents not neglectful- there just was a lot going on in my home). We couldnt afford loads of spare uniforms to keep clean.

Breakfast before school also not great but there wasn't the same level of awareness then as now towards nutrition and making sure kids eat well and have breakfasts. So not great but perhaps a bit excusable.

According to Google, up until 2006 children over the age of 3 only had to use booster seats if they were available.

I think you're being a bit harsh tbf.

Bad for the skin? Seriously?😂

yes, for some people. Seriously

And completely unnecessary for most kids anyway.

The one thing I would like my children to do is forgive me for my failings.

A lot of the stuff you say OP is stuff that I recognise. So I didn't repeat those mistakes. I invented some of my own. I don't know what those were but I know I made shedloads of them. Not deliberately, never deliberately. I hope my kids forgive me for them.

Gadgets were different. Awareness of some health issues different. Otherwise- pretty much like now.

Same. Mother was just lazy and stayed in bed. I never had breakfast - even when old enough to do my own. If I made a cup of tea she'd scream why I didn't make her one; her tea was 'special' included hot milk, spices etc - all made me heave. If I was lucky, I'd get away with making myself a coffee. School dinners was yet another issue. What can I do but forgive her for being the shittiest mum - this is only one aspect but I'm still grateful she's around.

No breakfast, dirty clothes & ignoring an obvious health issue is neglect OP. All the adults I knew smoked until mid to late 90's when health issues more emphasized. Most of the mums gave up work till we went to secondary school then went back part time.

Sounds like the early 90s to me.
We were quite poor but always clean.
Lots of second hand and hand me down clothes, usually left in big piles in various places around the house, I started doing my own ironing at 10, I'm still rubbish at laundry management, but again always clean, just not necessarily ironed or what you wanted to wear.

Can't remember any of the food we were given other than cornflakes or weetabix for breakfast. Very rarely anything else, rice crispies were a treat. I now stock my cupboards with cereal, 7varieties in there at the minute. My ds is 8can make toast if he want it..
Smoking completely normal although my mother never has, think she was sick of breathing it by the time she left home.
My mum was a childminder so there was childcare around, don't know what else she could have done for work with 4 young kids to look after.
Seatbelts weren't a regular thing until mid 90s if I remember right.
Often went in the back of cars and vans unsecured.
I remember going to buy Seatbelts to put into whichever banger it was at the time, probably 1991 or 1992.
Other cars after that one didn't necessarily have them.
One hatchback had rear facing seats in the boot, probably not legal now.
I think things were a little bit more lax and easy going then, we all walked to school together, were given free reign around the area, parks, camp sites.
Lots less helicopter parenting going on.