Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.

A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.

AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

Hi

I was raised by a single dad and I used to go to an after school club whilst my dad worked. And holiday club in the summer and on other occasions I would go and stay with relatives in wales.

Car seat I seem to remember that is normal.

Most of it is a bit meh but the heart issue is a serious kings that should have been dealt with. Very very poor parenting.

Mothers working was totally normal, childcare was widely available, I think car seats were a legal requirement for babies at least, and heavy smoking near kids was already becoming taboo.
Well I think you are mixing the late 1990ans the early 1980.
A lot of things changed in those twenty years incl the attitude towards smoking, car seats etc... what was normal the late 1990 wasn’t in the early 1980s.

As for mothers working.... seen that it wasn’t normal where I live early 2000 I can see why it wouldn’t have been normal a in 1980s.

Basically it depends a lot of where the OP was living, and WHEN exactly she wasn’t a child.for the late 1980, I don’t think it was surprising at all, bearing in mind not everyone was doing the same thing parenting wise, no more than people parenting all the same way nowdays iyswim

I was a teenager in the nineties and none of it sounds normal to me. It sounds extremely lazy, especially the bit about waiting for the last possible minute to get up. Everywhere is different but where I lived most parents worked by the time the kids were at school.

My mum was a single parent in the 80s/90s.
She worked all hours at home doing sewing and ironing to make money.
I was never ever dirty or made to wear dirty clothes.
I was always taken to the doctor if ill and had regular dentist and optician appointments.
Me and my sister were always fed even if she went without.
I’m sorry but what you describe does sound neglectful. It doesn’t really feel like your mum did her best by you.

For contrast I had a MC upbringing in the 70s. The OPs childhood sounds very neglectful, my Mum is involved professionally with the care system and it would have been viewed as neglectful then as well (by the 90s I was an adult and discussing these things with her).

I remember my sister had a carseat as a baby in the late 70s. I knew someone who died in a car accident in the mid 80s, his sister survived without a scratch because she was in her carseat. People were aware of the dangers but only used them for babies.

My Mum stopped smoking in the early 70s when pregnant, I never experienced adults smoking.

We always sat down to all meals together as a family, the breakfast table was laid the night before.

We always had plenty of clean clothes in good condition, we did wear hand me downs and Mum sewed a lot of our clothes herself but everything was cleaned and ironed, she thinks I'm slack because I don't iron so much.

We had teenage babysitters if Mum and Dad were out in the evening, Mum stopped working when she had me, she wanted to go back when my sister started school but Dad didn't want her to, she eventually returned to work when DSis was at secondary school. As a teacher she finished at 3pm but Dad WFH anyway so didn't need childcare.

Your dad was obviously a deadbeat but I know plenty of people who had terrible fathers whose mother held everything together. Presumably she had other issues going on but she was good enough that you can parent your children better.

Probably, but then your children will probably level the same charge at you one day.

I know DM (and MIL) cared enough to follow the best parenting advice available to them. Obviously they had far more stability in their lives than the OPs DM but they can't be blamed for e.g. not knowing you weren't suppose to give honey to babies or that weaning from the breast to bottle at 8 weeks (as MIL was encouraged to do) was the worst possible thing to do for BIL who had a CMPA.

I was born in 91.

Both my parents worked full time and I went to verious different after school clubs. One was at school, one was in a nursery and another at the local sports center. My parents had to pay for this. Once I was old enough I had a key as did most of my friends and was always given money to get snacks on the way home until my parents arrived (at 5.30ish).

We always had breakfast. I was brought up to believe that it is the most important meal of the day.

I only had a bath once a week but felt clean. I washed and brushed my teeth every morning and night. I don't think uniform was changed every day but always felt clean and was washed every weekend.

I went to the doctors when needed. We always saw the same doctor.

We did have car seats and booster seats but only until about 4 I believe. We were told to use seat belts if the cars had them but some didn't have them in the back. We would sometimes squeeze 4 or 5 children in the back if we had friends over but were told to duck if we saw a police car.

My mum didn't smoke and Dad would smoke outside but at my grandparents everyone smoke in the house but would do so in the kitchen whilst we were in the living room.

I think standards were lower but she definitely could have done better.

My mum never worked either but I thought that wasn't unusual then because childcare wasn't as available as it is now? Particularly school holiday cover and before/after school clubs?

She smoked continually in our house and the car was like stepping into an ash tray. I suffered from recurrent ear infections which I put down to this.

Definitely remember being in the car from a young age without car seats or belts. I do remember my mum reminding me about the seatbelt once but she didn't enforce it.

My mum did nothing of what I do in the way of nurturing, developing and encouraging my kids.

Breakfast clubs and after school care weren't a thing where we lived ( rural area) until early 00's , so I'd couldn't return to work until my 3 dcs were all at school and the school started an after school club
Car seats were a thing in 90's though and my youngest dd did go to a childminder when she was a baby so I could return to work it it wasn't financially worth me working with 3 dcs under 5

I was a single parent in the 90's and am one now. Back then there were no child tax credits, no HB (although this didn't't affect me as I lived in the matrimonial home with my ds.) And definitely no help with child care costs, my ds used to have a key, let himself in and get a snack while he waited for me to get home around 5.30pm, if much later his (paternal) grandmother would go round and pick him to take to her house and feed him. She annoyed me, was nosey, had no respect for boundaries but loved her grandson and I was lucky she did this without notice usually. There was very little understand of single mothers at my work place, you got on with it and put up with things.
However I never smoked around my ds, he always had breakfast, always clean clothes and was never neglected. He had a lot of people around him that loved him, and fantastic grandparents. I don't know how I would have managed without their support.
Perhaps your mother never had a network. And maybe she was quite depressed, it does sound as if your father wasn't the best partner. It takes years to get over spousal abuse

There was childcare in some areas just like now. It's a postcode lottery, that's for those saying there was childcare, they should should be saying, there was childcare where I lived.

I was born late 80s my Mum didnt use carseats, we used to have to take it in turns to sit on each others laps in the car as we only had a 5 seater. I dont remember anyone commenting on it like it was out of the ordinary, Infact we would sometimes take my friends down the road to school and had to sit on laps.

I used a childminder as not many nurseries in my areas would take babies and you still relied on family and friends, my daughter was born in 1999. My experience would be vastly different to someone in 1989 or 1992.

As a teenager I was the childcare for many years. I looked after family children from age 9 and non family children from age 12.

Things began to change swiftly in 1997 with the labour government but we are just as quickly returning there. Google universal credit and childcare and see how difficult it is to get it paid. How long till parents use all sorts of childcare again to keep their jobs?

My eldest was born in 1992. I went back to work when he was 7 months old, using a childminder , and there were also nurseries, but I don't think they were free or subsidised and I don't think there were childcare vouchers then. So if she didn't have a reasonably well-paid job, the cost of childcare may not have been feasible.
We had baby seats, seat belts and booster seats all through the 90s, and were well aware not to smoke around children. Lots of people still did though, and in cars.
It has never been OK not to give your children breakfast, or to send them out in dirty clothes.
As far the heart thing is concerned, were you suffering symptoms that she would have been aware of? My son had a congential heart condition diagnosed in his early 20's, there wasn't really anything thing to make us think there was an issue until a few months before the diagnosis, and before Google, people were not as clued up on medical stuff. So can't give an opinion as to whether the absence of diagnosis was neglectful.
It does sound as if she struggled with the responsibility of raising children by herself, depression sounds as if it may have been a factor.

Your mum is talking bollocks, unless she's in some kind of time warp and has lost 100 years somewhere. It absolutely was not like that then - My kids were born in the early '90s. I worked, had multiple choices of childcare, smoking round children was looked on as semi-abuse, seat belts front and back were compulsory and you couldn't take your baby home from hospital without an appropriate car seat. Of course kids went to doctors, had clean clothes and ate breakfast. She could have done a lot better in those areas.

I also sat in footwells and boots of cars till my teens, so up until 94 or 95. I still hate wearing a seat belt now as didn't wear one in my childhood.

Some of your experience, such as her not getting you up in the morning and leaving it till last minute to get out of bed herself, and then also having to wear dirty uniform to school are not what was normal and I'd even go as far as to say we're a bit lazy.
From what I know of my own DM's experience as a single parent in the 90's and my own now, I do think it could well have been difficult for her to work whilst you were young; my DM often says that because she worked she wasn't eligible to anything other than child benefit (which everyone got anyway), she said it wasn't until Blair/Labour were voted in that more support started being made available for working parents, specifically single ones. Also I know from personal experience that it can often be difficult finding a job that can actually work around childcare (but then again I don't drive and can't really rely on the public transport where I live so that's also a huge factor).
You do say however that she would have you wait in the garden until got home gone 5 each evening anyway, so if by that point she didn't think childcare was required for you both (though I don't understand why she couldn't at least have let you have a key to get in), then I don't see why she couldn't have worked, given that she would have found it relatively easier to find a job 9-5 rather than within school hours, and I think it was easier to get jobs back then anyway, they didn't all practically require a degree and around 3 years experience like they do now (even if it is just admin or retail for min wage).
The lack of child seats etc. I think was deffo more acceptable back then, I was only in the car when I saw my dad EOW but I don't ever recall a car or booster seat so I definitely didn't have one from the age of four.
The smoking aspect I think was a bit more socially acceptable back then too, yes some people were probably more aware of the harm caused by second hand smoke but I don't think that many people saw it as a big deal that kids were around smoke. Everyone I knew that smoked(so most family and family friends) didn't think twice about lighting up in the home or car when kids were about, and there's a fair few photos of myself and all my cousins sat on knees of adults who have fags in their hands.

Sorry I didn't mean to post so long, but I suppose I'm just trying to point out that perhaps your DM was a little lazy (maybe even slightly neglectful at times) but from most of what you posted, I think mainly it's just that it was a different time back then, and people did some things very differently. I wouldn't really look back on your childhood negatively if these are some of the worst examples you can think of, but I do also think your DM is extremely unfair to try and make you and sibling feel guilt for her lack of a pension now, that's not your issue, you didn't ask to be born.

None of that seems normal to me.

I was born in 1982 but my brother was born in 1990 and had a car seat. I did too, I’ve see pictures of it, but I’m sure I was probably out of it earlier than my brother.

My mum and dad were together until I was 18, dad worked mum didn’t, my mum slogged her guts out at home to make sure everything was amazing for us. I’m a little bit ashamed how little I appreciated it at the time!

My children were born 84, 85, 88. They all had car seats and boosters and I wouldn't have travelled with them unrestrained. Childcare was available, I used a nursery and a childminder. Maternity leave and employment protection around pregnancy has improved massively, I was sacked for being pregnant the first time and if you did take maternity leave you had to go back for a certain number of months or pay the money back. We knew smoking around children was not acceptable. Not feeding children breakfast or washing their clothes was neglect then as now. Any child turning blue would have been taken to the GP and a referral to a paediatrician insisted upon.

My DM was a single mum in the 90s (I was born in the late 80s). Agree on not working - my mum could not work due to cost of childcare. Where possible she temped during school hours and I went to school clubs to facilitate later pick ups but nothing permanent. I recognise nothing else in your OP - I had a booster seat, I remember my mum using a car seat when she looked after other babies (she did ad hoc childcare for neighbours and friends for extra cash) and also my brother born in the late 90s. We were always clean, always had breakfast and my mum has never smoked.

When I was little (early 80s) you weren’t legally required to wear seatbelts. Even in the early 90s people would happily squash half a dozen kids in the boot and footwell! It was 2000s before I ever heard of such a thing as a child seat.

EVERYONE smoked. In the early 90s shops would sell cigarettes to kids if your mum sent you for them. Everywhere reeked of smoke, especially pubs, if you’d been in one you had to wash your hair and clothes. Adults frequently smoked around kids without a second thought because everywhere stunk of smoke anyway.

Jobs were few and far between, especially in ex industrial areas that hadn’t yet regenerated. As others have said, childcare wasn’t subsidised and lack of min wage made it difficult to afford. It was easy to stay on benefits long term.

Healthy eating wasn’t widely discussed and we ate a lot of fried food and frozen convenience food. Chips for every meal and choccy biccies with a cuppa for breakfast on a school day! I remember seeing someone eating spaghetti on the telly (probably about 1990) and asking my mum what the white stuff was! The only spaghetti I’d ever seen came in a tin with tomato sauce. Soft drinks were unavailable unless they were delivered by the “pop man” who was like a milkman for soft drinks!

I think I had two school uniforms that were washed at weekends. Clothes were expensive and washing was hard because we had a twin tub and you had to stir the clothes round with a stick. I got bathed twice a week (no showers). Heating at home was downstairs only. It was late 90s before we had luxuries such as a shower, telephone and gas central heating in all rooms!

I was born 94, so Im a bit younger than you OP but this doesn't sound normal to me.

I had carseats until I was about 9 or 10, this was later than my friends because I was embarrassed about it, but it was definitely the recommended use! It wasn't like parents didn't know DC should use carseats. I would have said most people used them till about 7, my brother who was born 97 was just coming of it when the law came in and he had to have a carseat again! Lots of his friends had to buy carseats for their DC because they didn't have them, so most DC came out of carseats a lot earlier but definitely had them when they were young.

I would never have travelled without a seatbelt, my friends car had no back seat belts and I was very worried about it. I think all my friends were made to wear seatbelts but sometimes their parents wouldn't in the front. I was allowed once or twice to travel 4 abreast in the back of a car but this was without my parents knowledge as they would never have allowed it. It was well publisised that DC should have carseats, seatbelts and their own seats definitely by the late 90s!

I always had breakfast, but some of my friends didn't. It was often cereal but sometimes egg or yoghurt or toast.

I had clean uniform but I only had one pair or trousers and one skirt and maybe 2 jumpers, I had a new top every other day if it was clean but if it was dirty with food I had a new top.

There was definitely childcare and holiday clubs and things but I don't know how expensive or achievable it would have been for your mum to use these as a single mum.

When I was very young there was lots of smoking but it was still pretty frowned upon to smoke around DC, although I knew people who did it. My parents didn't smoke and wouldn't let relatives smoke around us, dps parents did and they would never have smoked around him. Although I did see and smell a lot more than I did as I got older.

I think though a lot of this was on the turn as I was getting older, smoking became a lot less, car safety increased. There was a lot on tv about smoking, car safety, breakfast for children, I remember these being issues on things like blue peter so it's possible that this was normal early 90s and as the 90s progressed it became a lot less normal. I still think it sounds a bit neglectful op though, sorry.

To give another view - DS was born mid-80s, we had a fairly new Astra at the time, it had seatbelts and he had a rigid baby seat that anchored onto fixing points I remember clearly because once when we were coming back from France (he was abt 18 months old) UK customs took us apart including feeling all around and underneath him in his car seat. Thoroughly. (they didn't find anything - expect it was just our turn to be picked that day!) Booster seat till he was about 11-12 and shot up in height.
DS was diagnosed with a heart murmur at about 15 months and monitored. No further action was needed, it closed up at about 2 years old.
Didn't smoke, but my DM did, although never around DS. She did give him dolly mixtures when he was a toddler, though. He went to playschool a couple of times a week from about 2-1/2 yrs old.
I Went back to work after mat leave (oh, the judgement) when DS was abt 7 months old, DM was very happy to look after him nearly every day.
And she refused point blank to take any money! I am lucky I know. I did pay for her cleaner and for his food. He had breakfast every day, usually something like weetabix and banana.

I'm 38 was never given breakfast, but the had a bulimic mother who didn't think it was essential!
Childcare was the lazy woman at the end of the street I detested being in her dirty house , so much so I organised my work to virtually be a sahm before my daughter was conceived.
Seatbelts no, again when I need to go to pick my car up my dad told me to just "make sure I keep a good hold" of my 4 month old while he drove!
Err no thanks I'll walk.
My dm never smoked but didn't object to everyone else smoking all over me, had asthma as a child, appears no one was sharp enough to make the link.

I always had beautiful clothes but never ironed, no clean socks that sort of thing?

I often wonder if she was depressed, dad wasn't helpful neither was her mother an absolute narcissistic bitch.

I've been really angry with my dm over the years but I'm letting it go, she just very weak.

Since I had my dd she seems a bit jealous, like she knows she made mistakes?

Families are so complicated, they're a nightmare!

Childcare was difficult in the ‘80s when I had mine. If I hadn’t been a SAHM my options would have been nanny, au pair, childminder. No nurseries other than those attached to schools which were for 3 to 5 year olds.

If she wasn’t earning a lot these wouldn’t have been affordable for her.

The other stuff sounds like she was struggling to cope on her own.