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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with SIL

132 replies

alwaysthesameold · 09/08/2018 07:17

So my LO and SIL LO both go to our mother in law every Thursday.
I’ve chosen to work on a Thursday but SIL doesn’t work.
SIL little one has been vomiting since Tuesday night at midnight so about 31 hours. Don’t think she’s thrown up for the past few hours though according to SIL (since 1am this morning)
I’m due in work at 9am and SIL just text me saying she’s still sending her LO to our mother in law today as she needs some free time after dealing with all the sick and she wants to go to the gym.
I’m refusing to send my LO today now as 48 hours haven’t passed, her LO will still be contagious and it’s my daughters birthday on Saturday so really don’t want her sick for it.
I’ve also got to phone in work and take a day off unpaid.
Mother in law refuses to get involved and if I’m honest her LO always seems to come first (not sure if it’s because she was the first grandchild)
Just having a rant really because I’m angry and SIL is selfish as always.

OP posts:

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 11:46

Pengggwn

The text was in response to SIL saying her DD will see DD later.

So OP's text was not passive aggressive.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 09/08/2018 11:53

Unfortunately, SIL is not responsible for your childcare so that you can work. I'd feel peeved about this too, but SIL probably has had a trying few days, dealing with the bug and doubtless sleepless nights too. If MIL is happy to take her LO to give her a bit of 'me' time, why should she not take it, just to enable you to go to work? Your work isn't her problem, to be fair. You could still send your LO - the option is there. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to (I wouldn't either) but you are no more entitled to the free childcare than your SIL, I'm afraid. In her shoes, if MIL had said no, I don't want to catch the bug, sorry, I would have totally understood. But if the MIL had been totally happy to have the poorly grandchild but refused on the basis that you were not happy about it, I would have been pee'd off. I agree with PPs that if you want a say, you have to pay.

To be fair, plenty of selfish parents send their children into nursery with bugs and you'd never be any the wiser - at least this way you're in the know and can say no, I guess.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 11:56

But if the MIL had been totally happy to have the poorly grandchild but refused on the basis that you were not happy about it, I would have been pee'd off.

To be fair, plenty of selfish parents send their children into nursery with bugs

Mots Why do you think you sending your sick DD to MIL's (potentially infecting another child) wouldn't be selfish but people sending sick kids to nursery is selfish?

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2018 11:58

It's not for her to regard one as more "deserving" than the other.

As a GM who looks after her DGC I would prioritise the 'work' one.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 12:00

Nanny0gg I think yours is the more rational and charitable approach.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2018 12:03

Pengggwn
You both sound like ten year olds. The MIL does not remotely owe anybody "fairness", but even if she did, how is she being unfair? She is saying sort it out between yourselves

I accept that you often take a contrary view but I don't see the need for rudeness.

As a MiL who does childcare I would not deal with it in the same way as the OP's MiL.
I do think it's for the MiL to sort out when one DiL is behaving selfishly. Food money is more important than a couple of hours down the gym.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/08/2018 12:06

I would grin and bear it for six months, still send if anything other than a sick bug, and treat mil like a queen. Then you will be the favourite dil.

ShesABelter · 09/08/2018 12:08

Penggwn you are very self righteous aren't you..is there anyone else you'd like to argue with on this thread?

EscapistTendencies · 09/08/2018 12:29

In your situation I'd be looking into evening or weekend work then you won't require any childcare. Doesn't sound like your MIL will ever stand up to SIL. I'm a LP and me being off work is a huge inconvenience for my employer , I still wouldn't ever send ds to his GP's with a vomiting bug. People like your SIL are the reason I needed time off twice last year for norovirus, unpaid.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 13:23

Nanny0gg

Well, I say what I think. Nothing to do with being contrary that I don't see it as the MIL's problem to make a decision about one DIL's childcare needs over the other.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 13:24

ShesABelter

Depends who presents themselves for an argument, I suppose. I was just stating my opinion.

Hissy · 09/08/2018 13:55

if you have to take a minimum of 2 days, why not increase your work to 2 days to make it worth it.

if your h works FT, half the cost of childcare is his too, he can look at getting child care vouchers or even tax credits to help?

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 09/08/2018 14:06

Shumpa because this isn't a childcare setting - it's family. I agree that it would have been nice for the MIL to prioritise the OP on this occasion but it doesn't make the SIL a selfish cheeky fucker to want a bit of time to relax after looking after her DD through a sickness bug, if MIL is willing to provide it. OP could have still chosen to send her LO to MIL. It's selfish to send your child to nursery with a bug because you are doing it without being upfront and potentially affecting lots of other children and families. SIL has made clear her LO has been unwell and MIL has agreed to have her regardless. It's then up to OP to decide to send her own child to MIL or not - but neither SIL or MIL are responsible for her work commitments. She needs to find reliable and paid for childcare if she wants to be in that position.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 14:47

Mots, I disagree that MIL's is not a childcare setting. She has agreed to provide childcare for Op's dc.

Whilst I agree that the SIL was just as entitled as OP to send her dc to MIL's, I do think SIL was selfish not to consider the impact on OP.

She has also annoyed OP and lost a potential source of support in OP as this type of behaviour creates resentment and enmity.

Plus she is a serial offender (sending dc with chicken pox and hand, foot and mouth). The least that MIL could do is not allow SIL's DD over on Thursdays when she has contagious illnesses.

Butterymuffin · 09/08/2018 15:17

It's not a childcare setting if you're not paying for it. This is always the rub with family providing free childcare.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 15:27

ShumpaLumpa

Yes, as a favour. It is incredibly entitled to accept a favour and then start trying to dictate terms. It isn't a "setting", and anyone who tried to use that language with me would be told to get lost pretty quickly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 15:31

She has also annoyed OP and lost a potential source of support in OP as this type of behaviour creates resentment and enmity.

She's doing both DILs a favour. She's under no obligation to have her GC every week. It's been stated that the other DIL has upset her MIL previously and made her cry so I'm guessing that's why she wants to stay out of it.

I feel a bit sorry for MIL.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 15:54

It's not a childcare setting if you're not paying for it. This is always the rub with family providing free childcare.

Informally it is. When you agree to take care of a child you have a moral duty to that child. MIL is perfectly entitled to say no to providing childcare.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 15:56

Pengggwn

It isn't a "setting", and anyone who tried to use that language with me would be told to get lost pretty quickly

Maybe if you RTFT you'll see it was a pp who referred to a 'childcare setting'. If you're upset with that language, take it up with the pp.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 15:58

GreatDuck

I said that SIL has lost a potential source of support, not MIL.

MIL is not at fault in this situation.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 16:00

Sorry got muddled up.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 16:00

ShumpaLumpa

Did you not just say that you also think it is a "setting"?

Original poster

alwaysthesameold · 09/08/2018 16:10

I’m over it anyway.
Nothing will change with SIL.
I’ve had a really lovely day with LO.
Have been to the park, a long walk in the woods and have chilled in the garden.
Just counting down the 6 months until this won’t happen anymore!

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2018 16:10

It's not for her to regard one as more "deserving" than the other.

If I were the mil I’d generally have a policy that children I thought were contagious don’t come as I look after multiple Gc. If it were always one gc sick I’d modify it to sometimes prioritise the sick one to be fair. Fair not unfair would be my key, not particularly prioritising either working or at home mums as they both have their challenges and are both mums to my gc.

If you are that concerned about the promotion for your dp op wait till he gets it, but then he absolutely must take the odd day off when this happens. There is a good chance this completely changes mils perspective unfortunately, and helps you position yourself at work to add a day.

allyouneedis · 09/08/2018 16:24

I think it’s time to find more reliable child care as you can’t keep taking days off work I shouldn’t think.

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