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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with SIL

132 replies

alwaysthesameold · 09/08/2018 07:17

So my LO and SIL LO both go to our mother in law every Thursday.
I’ve chosen to work on a Thursday but SIL doesn’t work.
SIL little one has been vomiting since Tuesday night at midnight so about 31 hours. Don’t think she’s thrown up for the past few hours though according to SIL (since 1am this morning)
I’m due in work at 9am and SIL just text me saying she’s still sending her LO to our mother in law today as she needs some free time after dealing with all the sick and she wants to go to the gym.
I’m refusing to send my LO today now as 48 hours haven’t passed, her LO will still be contagious and it’s my daughters birthday on Saturday so really don’t want her sick for it.
I’ve also got to phone in work and take a day off unpaid.
Mother in law refuses to get involved and if I’m honest her LO always seems to come first (not sure if it’s because she was the first grandchild)
Just having a rant really because I’m angry and SIL is selfish as always.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 09/08/2018 10:53

Will SIL be expecting to bring her ill child to your DD's party at the weekend too? If so you need to tell her that's not on.

While your husband may be the breadwinner, you've said yourself that your wage makes a crucial difference to your family finances, so he really needs to share some of the time off. Tell him he will need to take the next day off.

Lollypop701 · 09/08/2018 10:56

Sil is a CF. She isn’t going to change as she gets her own way. Mil won’t confront her .. too old and too scared as sil would probably stop contact with grandkids. I would text her or preferably get dh to talk to his Dow and say that kids can’t come to party, as if your kid gets ill you’d be off next week and you couldn’t do this after this week, and you NEED your income/job. Good luck op

Lollypop701 · 09/08/2018 10:56

Dh to talk to brother

PrimalLass · 09/08/2018 10:58

It is not down to MIL to state that the sick child can't go to her house! The other SIL needs it spelling out to her by her brother and SIL that her actions are selfish and unfair.

Of course it is because it is her house.

On other threads if the OP approached the SIL about this she would be told to back off and that it is for the MIL to deal with.

OP just make different arrangements as you can never win with this one.

It's a bit rubbish when you know your children get less time and attention.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 11:05

On other threads if the OP approached the SIL about this she would be told to back off and that it is for the MIL to deal with.

I disagree. The issue here is with the SILs poorly child. What has that got to do with the MIL? Why should she put herself in a situation that's likely to cause her DIL to upset her?

PrimalLass · 09/08/2018 11:07

Ok we disagree. If it was my MIL I would be annoyed with both her and SIL. But hopefully they would t do this.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 11:10

Well I think you'd be wrong to expect to put your MIL in such a situation. I take it you don't have an arse of a SIL then?

LucyFox · 09/08/2018 11:17

OP you need to find more reliable childcare but also, your DH needs to have a day off work next time and be the one to tell his mother why ...

KMoKMo · 09/08/2018 11:18

Your SIL is selfish and I’d be telling DH to sort it out.
I understand where previous posters are coming from in saying that MIL owes OP nothing but surely if SIL has no real commitments for that day it makes sense MIL helps out OP (and doesn’t expose herself to nasty bugs as a result). OP is actually doing something constructive with her day rather than just palming her kid off so she can have a free day!

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 11:23

PrimalLass

But as you say, it's her house! It isn't down to her to say no, it is down to her to say yes OR no, as she prefers.

NataliaOsipova · 09/08/2018 11:24

I agree SIL is being selfish, I have a similar one who doesn't understand the need to work being different to the need for a "day off".

She is being selfish because she's exposing people to illness - but from your MIL's perspective, she's providing the same favour to both her sons' wives. It's not for her to regard one as more "deserving" than the other.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 11:25

Pengggwn

The message to SIL was a bit PA, wasn't it?

Not sure you understand what passive aggressive means. OP's text to SIL was just passive.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 11:27

ShumpaLumpa

Not the case. What was she hoping to achieve? If it was an indirect attempt to get the SIL to say she would keep her own child at home, it was PA. If it wasn't, why did she mind the bland response?

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 11:28

OP can answer that, but I wouldn't call that text passive aggressive.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 11:31

ShumpaLumpa

Well, that's you.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 11:32

The text isn't passive aggressive. That's just your opinion.

PrimalLass · 09/08/2018 11:33

But as you say, it's her house! It isn't down to her to say no, it is down to her to say yes OR no, as she prefers

Exactly. And I think she should say no. We've come full circle and there's no point in arguing about it.

OP, it will take the worry away about this happening if you just sort out proper childcare and/or more hours - hope you get that preschool place. My MIL comes through 'one day a week'. Realistically that is 50% of the weeks as she is busy and gets ill in the winter. So I arranged my job in a way that I never had to rely on it.

Original poster
alwaysthesameold · 09/08/2018 11:33

Don’t think it was passive aggressive.
It was in response to a text at 6am from SIL saying that X finally stopped throwing up at 1am so hope that’s the end of it. And she will see Y later today at inlaws.
My response was just saying that I won’t be sending Y today and the reason why.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 11:35

ShumpaLumpa

Yes, I am saying it is. You are saying it isn't. You are saying it is just my opinion. I am saying it is just your opinion. Unless you are Pope Francis, your opinion holds exactly the same weight as my own.

Pengggwn · 09/08/2018 11:35

PrimalLass

You think she should say no, but she doesn't, Prima. When it is your house, you call the shots.

Original poster
alwaysthesameold · 09/08/2018 11:36

Exact words from SIL were...
“Y finally stopped throwing up at 1am, thank god. Hopefully that’s the end of it. Definitely need a day to recover myself after dealing with all of that sick and going to book onto a gym class this morning as I’ve missed a few. Y will see X later at MIL”
I replied saying I wasn’t going to send X today, as I’m worried Y is still contagious and it’s Y’s birthday coming up.
SIL replied saying “Ok hun”

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/08/2018 11:38

Wait till you're a MIL, PrimaLass with potentially two DILs, you might change your tune.

Original poster
alwaysthesameold · 09/08/2018 11:38

Worried that this is all very outing for me however.
99% sure that SIL isn’t on here, as she doesn’t “do” social media and parenting sites.
Just worried that some of her friends may recognise situation.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 09/08/2018 11:40

Oh FFS

You can call the shots in your own house (which was my original point), but other people can think you've called it wrong. In this case I do and you don't. Or you just like arguing.

SIL is totally justified to have free childcare that she doesn't need and OP is 'entitled' to rely on free childcare to go to work. (Mumsnet 2018)

Anyways ...

PrimalLass · 09/08/2018 11:42

Wait till you're a MIL, PrimaLass with potentially two DILs, you might change your tune.

Nope. I'll have to work until I drop so won't be doing childcare for anyone.

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