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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this period shaming?

142 replies

Liesdamnlies40 · 08/08/2018 10:04

I flushed a tampon down the loo but didn’t realise it hadn’t flushed away (I normally put them in the bin in little bags & get rid).
Partner came into room and told me that at the age of 44 I should know better and made me feel upset as he has seen it. I feel so embarrassed.
Aibu to feel upset? I don’t need to e bloody told off for my period.

OP posts:
ellybo · 08/08/2018 10:39

He is shaming you for blocking your pipes. Something that you should feel guilty about ;)

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 10:40

I bollock my kids for leaving poo or wee unflushed in the loo. I’d do the same if one of them was female and left a tampon in the loo. Actually I’d bollock them for even putting a tampon in the loo. I’m not poo/wee shaming my sons by doing it am I? I’m bad manners shaming them. They should have the courtesy to leave the toilet clean for the next person.

FlintyBadman · 08/08/2018 10:43

Did he flush it down the toilet @Liesdamnlies40 or did he have to get it out of the loo and dispose of it properly?

If it's the latter then that would probably explain why he wasn't too happy with you.

thedevilinablackdress · 08/08/2018 10:43

OP - was he annoyed about the horror (!) of seeing the tampon or the environmental/potential blocked drain side of it?

Kinda need to know that before we can really say...

riiiiight · 08/08/2018 10:44

She isn't a child notterf. she's an adult who presumably after years of not leaving tampons in the toilet had one incident and her husband was upset because he thought it was gross. Not because of the pipe issue. you clearly aren't a "terf" because that would mean a feminist who could consider the taboos around periods for five second before saying women should be bollocked like children by their husbands.

riiiiight · 08/08/2018 10:45

And is a tampon really is bad as shit people. Come on. It's a bit of blood, do you send your children away to hide their cut fingers?

riiiiight · 08/08/2018 10:45

I was in a hurry - it was a mistake. I just don’t need to be told off and made to feel like a twat. He made me feel like I was disgusting because there was blood in the loo.

OftenHangry · 08/08/2018 10:45

@PrtScn
I regularly have to tell my partner off for trying to flush ear buds down the toilet. He's nearly 50 and should know better!

Oh my god! Ear cleaning shaming!

Lethaldrizzle · 08/08/2018 10:46

I believe the dh was shaming the op about leaving signs of period in the loo, not the actual act of leaving a tampon which yes, should have been binned. It seems the Dh, like many men (and religions) finds periods disgusting and unclean - so yes it was period shaming and he's a twat.

StepBackNow · 08/08/2018 10:47

I can't believe how nasty people are being. The OP made a mistake and said so. Yet her are the vipers banging on and on and on. Just shut up, I think she's got the message. Several posts ago. If all you are going to do is tell her not to flush tampons - just fuck off, eh?

OP, he was a miserable prick who should have just flushed it away and kept his mouth shut.

I flushed pads and tampons for years in the 60s, 70s and 80s and never had a single blocked drain incident. In those days it's what was done - they were called disposable or flushable.

AnExcellentUsername · 08/08/2018 10:47

So it's unreasonable to expect someone to clean up their blood if they are able?

TatianaLarina · 08/08/2018 10:48

period shaming" is not a thing OP

Of course it is. One poor woman was fired from her job for leaking.

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 10:48

Maybe you should try reading riiight because nowhere did I say OP or any women should be bollocked by her/their husband. Hmm

I didn’t say OP was a child. She is an adult, which is why he expected her to know better.

Also might want to read up on the definition of a terf if you think it’s anything to do with the taboos around periods.

TatianaLarina · 08/08/2018 10:50

It really depends OP whether he was just pissed of about a tampon potentially blocking the loo or neurotic about evidence of periods.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/08/2018 10:50

So it's unreasonable to expect someone to clean up their blood if they are able?

Sometimes you flush and all.appears to have disappeared it's not til you go back and see a tinge to the water that you realise it might actually not have fully gone. You don't see what you have flushed you just see the water a different colour.

Different to deliberately not fkusjimg or cleaning up.

I'm.assumimg that's what happened here?

SisterNotCisTerf · 08/08/2018 10:50

And if my children have cut fingers I clean it up for them so it doesn’t drip all over the place. An adult should be able to clean their own blood, regardless of where it’s from. It’s really not a huge expectation.

Fresta · 08/08/2018 10:54

Loads of women flush tampons. It's only recently that Tampax have changed their instructions to bin- they used to say flush- it was the done thing for years and years. I never heard of anyone having had a blocked drain from them. Now wet wipes- they are a different story.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 08/08/2018 10:54

If your partner left an unflushed poo in the loo would you say anything? I would.... and it would not be excrement shaming, it would be just saying that he should check the loo when he is finished. Luckily I don't have to remind my partner but occasionally I do have to remind my children...

TatianaLarina · 08/08/2018 10:55

As a pp with heavy flow, sometimes there can be a tinge of red left in water after the flush. That’s not the same as not clearing up.

riiiiight · 08/08/2018 10:56

Also might want to read up on the definition of a terf if you think it’s anything to do with the taboos around periods.

Firstly, it means trans exclusive radical feminst. All the radical feminists I know have some pretty strong thoughts on the way women are meant to hide their periods.

Secondly, you are failing at your readings if you haven't noticed that women are being told that periods aren't a female issue anymore and we shouldn't discuss them, because it's triggering and not all women have periods. (in other words, as ever, 'people' don't want to hear about them because they're yucky and offensive. How times have changed).

riiiiight · 08/08/2018 10:59

If your partner left an unflushed poo in the loo would you say anything? I would.... and it would not be excrement shaming, it would be just saying that he should check the loo when he is finished. Luckily I don't have to remind my partner but occasionally I do have to remind my children...

I've been with dh for 15 years, he is an adult and flushes the toilet. If he had a random floater once no, I wouldn't chase him down and embarrass him no. I'm not a nob.

This however is discussing a very specific gendered situation where we act like a tiny bit of blood in a toilet is somehow so disgusting.

nd if my children have cut fingers I clean it up for them so it doesn’t drip all over the place. An adult should be able to clean their own blood, regardless of where it’s from. It’s really not a huge expectation.

She did, it didn't flush. Bug fucking deal, what's so gross about a tampon in a toilet? She didn't leave it in his tea.

PrtScn · 08/08/2018 10:59

@OftenHangry Oh my god! Ear cleaning shaming!
I know, right, I mean what's the world coming to?! There's a perfectly decent bin right next to the toilet as well. I'm thinking about putting that picture of a seahorse holding a used earbud as his mobile and iPad home screen just to further ear shame him.
www.straitstimes.com/world/photographer-who-took-viral-shot-of-sewage-surfer-seahorse-in-indonesias-waters-wishes-it

UpstartCrow · 08/08/2018 11:00

TL:DR Yes it is and he's a knob.

Long version;
It wasn't unflushed, it didn't make it round the U bend. It happens sometimes. It happens with shit as well, and shaming people for a one off isn't appropriate.
Most people dont wait for several minutes after the flush has finished for a safety check.

(OP doesn't make a habit of flushing tampons. Sometimes they fall out. There will be loads of people along in a minute to say that because it has never happened to them it never happens.
Or that if they fall out you are using the wrong size. Those people never explain how you are supposed to know you are using the wrong size, other than by this kind of mishap.)

pictish · 08/08/2018 11:04

What Lethaldrizzle said. Are people deliberately misunderstanding so they can keep on with their ‘never flush a tampon’ theme? I think so.

The OP means he was disgusted because he saw period blood in the loo, like she’d let a dirty, shameful secret out that his precious eyes are too delicate to see. The deep shame of the curse. So yes...absolute twat to make a fuss instead of just flushing it away.

I had something similar with my son recently who spotted a rolled up used pad in the bathroom bin and started going on about how revolting it was. Periods are not shameful, dirty or something anyone needs to be shielded from.
Fuck sake.

user1493413286 · 08/08/2018 11:04

It depends if he was saying “you shouldn’t flush them because it’ll cause blockage as etc” or “it’s disgusting to see a tampon”.
To be honest I’d not be too keen to see someone’s used tampon but I’d just mention that it shouldn’t be flushed and when you explained it was a mistake say fair enough