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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make DH breakfast in school holidays?

132 replies

theporridge · 07/08/2018 12:52

This is obviously not a world crisis, but I’m wondering what other people might think.

I’m an early riser, so I normally wake up at 5.30am with the cats. Then, in term time, I get DS up for 6am as he goes to school early for a sport he trains for. I give him porridge or eggs or something and then, because it’s cooked, I take the other 2 DDs and DH breakfast in bed Shock. I do this because it’s easier than doing it again once they come down and I find the whole morning and everyone getting out runs more smoothly like this.

The AIBU is, I’ve still been doing breakfast in bed for DH even though it’s summer holidays. It’s been fine because I’m up anyway. However, we’re currently on holiday where there is a buffet breakfast. This morning I wasn’t well, so he brought me some fruit back in bed. I said, I could get used to this and maybe he could carry on when we got home. He said, “Charming” and “nice to know where I stand in order of family priorities.” He was joking, but not joking, if that makes sense. AIBU to think he shouldn’t actually expect me to make his breakfast, regardless of whether I do or not? Hope this makes sense? Thanks.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 07/08/2018 15:39

The one time he brings you something to eat in bed (as you're ill) you get snidey remarks.

He needs kicking into touch just for that. He's taking you for granted and the kids will go the same way

BTW..OH frequently makes us all something cooked for breakfast but it's not expected, I dont winge if he doesn't

Bibesia · 07/08/2018 15:43

But it’s more that I would be somehow neglecting him if I just stayed in bed and let him go off without food

Why would you be letting him go off without food just because you don't bring it to him in bed? What stops him sorting it out for himself before he goes?

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 15:46

Aaah traders. Just because they seem to get away with thinking themselves better than everyone else in the office doesn’t mean you should allow that at home. The aporopriate response was ‘what- because i make the dc breakfast? I used to wipe their bottoms too, did thst have you feeling marginalised too? Anyway darling good point, they are definitely old enough to pull their weight a bit more.
Hot breakfast on the table at x o’clock, one or two shouts up the stairs, clear it away x minutes later and the latecomers make their own cereal.

To be honest if everyone liked cooked breakfast I’d have the dc and dp rostered on to cook breakfast on the weekends at least. But I sometimes put out milk in a little jug so my 3yo can pour his own so am obviously coming at it from a very different perspective. It does sound horrifically waited on. OTOH if they can cook the breakfast some young women/men will find that very attractive down the line....

Clutterbugsmum · 07/08/2018 15:48

I'm up early normally 6/6.30am I make myself a cup of tea and enjoy the silence, I get the dc (14,11,9) up at 7am and most morning they will make their own breakfast, and thing from cereal, toast or scrambled egg the only time I cook if they would like bacon or fried egg on toast. As for DH I shout at him that it's 7.45 and then leave him to it. He adult he can sort himself out.

Your family seem to think it's their right to have breakfast in bed. I would suggest when you get back from holiday a new regime and that breakfast will be served in the kitchen and only in the kitchen. And if yo cook something and they don't get then they get their own.

MiddlingMum · 07/08/2018 15:49

I don't even know what DH has for breakfast, he sorts himself out while I'm in the shower. I suspect toast and tea, but not really sure. Anyway, he's a grown up so doesn't need my input.

OP, you just need to announce a regime change.

LeeValley2 · 07/08/2018 16:11

You’re not a mug OP, you are a very kind and loving mother and your kids are lucky to have you. It’s lovely you make them breakfast every day. My dear Mother made me breakfast every day and I was difficult to wake up. But after calling my name, if I hadn’t come downstairs for my breakfast she would count to ten very slowly and loudly, and I knew if I wasn’t up by ten I would have a privilege withdrawn. She started doing this because she didn’t want to be taken for granted and it absolutely worked in my case. We have a fabulous loving relationship. Maybe something you can try to help your kids get up for you.

Original poster
theporridge · 07/08/2018 16:54

Thanks for all the feedback and I do take things on board. As I said I’m noticing things more due to therapy (and probably being away from home at the moment too and out of the usual routine), so I’m trying not to feed into DH’s “reality” and drama and separate myself out a bit if that makes sense. Like today, he “had” to take various conference calls if an unspecified length, so rather than hanging round, I just said, “see you at the beach then.” Later when he was about to kick off about, “the Chinese economy is taking too long to bounce back,” (or something like that), I just asked him, “Do you think anyone else round the pool is bothered about this in the least - even those Chinese people. No they are not, so why are you?”

OP posts:
53rdWay · 07/08/2018 16:57

He sounds pretty hard work. Glad you are managing to find some time to relax on your holiday.

Fang2468 · 07/08/2018 17:53

Look, you are most definitely not ‘letting him go off without any food’ - stop that way of thinking immediately. If he chooses to leave for work without making himself any breakfast that’s entirely his choice!
Never in 20 years have I made my husbands breakfast on a weekday and yes he still speaks to me, no one feels neglected and ‘woe is me’ etc. IF I’m feeling kind (and I remember) I will put extra water in the kettle and boil it for him before I leave the house, so he can get himself a drink quicker. His food is totally his responsibility though - don’t even give it a second thought.
For the kids - buy some cereal they like, or croissants if they are too idle to get to the table- please for your own sake stop being a martyr about this.
Next week try to work on your kids bringing you a brew in bed!

Fang2468 · 07/08/2018 17:58

Well done on stopping the kick off / rant about the Chinese economy and going about your own business - yes you are correct, no one wants to hear about that on their hols!!

StellaHeyStella · 07/08/2018 18:04

Came on to say DH is a manchild but I see someone has beaten me to it.
FWIW I only make breakfast for those who are physically incapable of making their own i.e. the dog

Original poster
theporridge · 07/08/2018 18:21

Yes thinking about it, probably some if the reason I give him breakfast in bed is just to keep him quiet and “contained” for 20 mins longer while I go about the rest of the morning rush because if he’s at large around the house, having a drama about stick prices or some work-related issue (which is pretty much every morning), I find I’m more stressed and so are the kids because it rubs off. So in other words, I try and keep a lid on him and I always tried to empathise and make sense of what he’s on about. But now, I’m not sure I buy it anymore. The therapist suggests he has put me in a role in his “show” but amazingly, I never saw it like that for years.

OP posts:
Whipsmart · 07/08/2018 18:28

if I call them they don’t come until the food has gone cold or something

Isn't that their problem? Smile

It sounds like the therapy you're going through is kicking in - look at how much has been unravelled just from a seemingly throwaway comment from your dh!

I think this holiday is just the break you all need in your routine. Children at secondary school don't need a parent "getting them up" or maing their breakfast, although it's (too) nice of you to do it. What woud they do if you were away / ill?

pollymere · 07/08/2018 19:05

My lovely dh promised to bring me a cup of tea in bed every day for the rest of my life when he proposed. He often does, but I certainly don't hold him to it. It sounds like you should be having some lieins rather than getting up to make him breakfast (unless he has a disability that means he needs support getting up). If you really can't face a lie in then do what you want to do. Maybe he could bring you breakfast in bed whilst you read a book?

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2018 19:27

Well it definitely sounds like therapy is throwing up some good questions for you, anyway.

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2018 07:50

theporridge glad you’re having therapy, it seems to be doing it’s job and you’re thinkimg of the reality of what your family life is.

It might be a good idea to tell him you aren’t pandering to his moods anymore. That you are a family and that is the priority, you don’t want to hear about his work 24/7, it isn’t appropriate. (If he gives you the “well if it wasn’t for my work we wouldn’t have the life we have” line, tell him that you don’t like the life you have now, as his moods are affecting you all, from the moment he wakes up).

It might be an idea for him to think if he’s happy in his work. He sounds very stressed and he might benefit from therapy too, inorder to get back some balance in his life.

Troels · 08/08/2018 08:24

It sounds to me like your Dh needs to learn to seperate work and home and not go on about work during down time.
I'd let the family know that after the holiday all breakfast is downstairs and they will be helping themselves.
You are a loving Mum but need to put a top to this, they will become very entitled thinking they get waited on.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 08/08/2018 08:31

It may have already been said but I'd definitely be putting a stop to the breakfast in bed . That's a rare treat not an everyday occurrence. What wrong with people getting up and coming downstairs to eat? If it goes cold then they'll get up earlier next time.

Ginseng1 · 08/08/2018 08:39

Urh eating in bed is minging anyway. My 9 n 11 yr old sort their own breakfasts. I'll help with anything cooked. But even 9yr old an stick her porridge in microwave. I do the most of the the cooking otherwise. So I don't do nothing! What are u teaching your children here?

TwoBlueShoes · 08/08/2018 08:40

It sounds like you are using the breakfasts in bed as a bandaid rather than dealing with the actual problem. I understand that and I understand that maybe its easier for you to do this than deal with conflict, but easier isn't always better.

Your therapist sounds good though.

sue51 · 08/08/2018 08:51

Breakfast in bed is for birthdays and when you are too ill to make it down stairs. It would never occur to me to make breakfast for DH. I'm a 50s child and can't recall my mum ever doing this for us or my dad.

BrutusMcDogface · 08/08/2018 08:59

I'm not sure I follow - is he suggesting that he will be bottom of the pile if he made you breakfast back home? And if so, does he consider you bottom of the pile because you do it already?

This!

BrutusMcDogface · 08/08/2018 09:00

Oops! There are 5 pages! Sorry I haven't rtft Blush

Original poster
theporridge · 08/08/2018 10:23

Thankyou so much for the very perceptive comments. I think DH would absolutely benefit from therapy, though I can’t get him to consider this. He does work very hard and much as I’m very grateful for this, our whole lives are built around pandering to his moods. He is very hard to challenge because he totally believes his own “myth” if that makes sense, and for all these years I have too. But then you realise that maybe your perspective is skewed. I had a word with him over breakfast and basically said to him what Lizzie suggested. He’s gone quiet so maybe he’s mulling it over - hopefully? Thanks so much again.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 08/08/2018 17:09

Breakfast in bed is for special occasions- mother and Father’s Day being the best. I hate to think what your bedding is like if your DH and DC’s are eating in bed every day. Why can’t everyone sort out their own breakfast - none of them are babies and should all be capable of making cereal, toast, porridge etc? Are any special needs? If so I probably would be giving more help there. My DH is a doctor - a more stressful job than you describe for your DH’s job. He doesn’t get breakfast in bed from me as I’m usually rushing to work. He is an adult so more than able to feed himself. You’re also not helping your DC’s learn some basic life skills - how do they cope when you’re ill or away?

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