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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not make DH breakfast in school holidays?

132 replies

theporridge · 07/08/2018 12:52

This is obviously not a world crisis, but I’m wondering what other people might think.

I’m an early riser, so I normally wake up at 5.30am with the cats. Then, in term time, I get DS up for 6am as he goes to school early for a sport he trains for. I give him porridge or eggs or something and then, because it’s cooked, I take the other 2 DDs and DH breakfast in bed . I do this because it’s easier than doing it again once they come down and I find the whole morning and everyone getting out runs more smoothly like this.

The AIBU is, I’ve still been doing breakfast in bed for DH even though it’s summer holidays. It’s been fine because I’m up anyway. However, we’re currently on holiday where there is a buffet breakfast. This morning I wasn’t well, so he brought me some fruit back in bed. I said, I could get used to this and maybe he could carry on when we got home. He said, “Charming” and “nice to know where I stand in order of family priorities.” He was joking, but not joking, if that makes sense. AIBU to think he shouldn’t actually expect me to make his breakfast, regardless of whether I do or not? Hope this makes sense? Thanks.

OP posts:

Titsywoo · 07/08/2018 13:53

Why are you making any of them breakfast? They are all old enough to do it themselves.

Lethaldrizzle · 07/08/2018 13:53

Your kids will grow up to expect breakfast in bed from their partners. Teaching kids to get their arses out of bed and to the breakfast table is doing them a favour for later in life.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/08/2018 13:55

If you're going to cook breakfast every day, surely it's more work if you've got to take it upstairs, and then presumably collect the plates to bring down?
I'd say , anyone who wants a cooked breakfast be at the table at x o'clock, otherwise sort yourself out.
But I learned that if you do something like that every day be it cooking, ironing, whatever) then people start taking it for granted. If you only do it as a special treat, they are much more appreciative.

Given DH's snidey comment, I would stop taking everyone breakfast in bed immediately. Carry on doing the cooked breakfast if you like, but anyone who wants it needs to be at the table. Tbh, can't see why a cooked breakfast is necessary every day anyway.
Also, tell DH that you feel belittled by his comment, that it sounds as if he expects you to do something that he is above doing himself.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 13:57

Sorry - the way he said it was in the sense that I must prioritise the kids over him because if I’m not doing it for them I wouldn’t bother. There is the hint of “woe is me”, “nobody cares”, in other words.

Um yes, you do. because they're children. We have to feed children. Grown ass men could get up and make their wives breakfast once in a while.

HingleMcCringleberry · 07/08/2018 13:59

Titsywoo, I feel I had to scroll through a lot of comments to get to yours, the obvious answer! I may have missed the bit where it says how old the DDs are, but if they're over 6 they can make themselves cereal to keep the hunger pangs at bay if they want some breakfast. All this 'make breakfast and call them down' is fair enough, but why not cut out the 'make breakfast' bit and get on with life?

adaline · 07/08/2018 14:00

It’s just been like this because if you make breakfast it’s easier to do it in one go,

But that has nothing to do with them eating breakfast in bed - I'm sure they're all capable of walking downstairs and sitting at a table, yes?

Original poster

theporridge · 07/08/2018 14:03

I find it hard to sleep in past 6 even if I’m on my own at home, but here in this holiday I feel totally switched off and it’s hard to get up because if the time difference, so that was what got me thinking. Maybe our routine is odd and ridiculous and I’m spoiling the kids as well. I will think about that. To be honest, I think a lot of families morning routines might seem strange to others if they were honest about it. Anyway, the kids are fine in general, but I do agree that DH’s “woe is me” act and associated behaviours need to be addressed. A lot if it is my fault no doubt. Thanks very much. Please don’t call me a mug anymore!

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 07/08/2018 14:03

he shouldn’t actually expect me to make his breakfast,

I'm finding myself repeating the same thing on so many of these threads.... the way forward is to have a conversation together, to decide how to divi up the chores, starting with what needs doing , then agreeing who does what (and possibly when). Once you have agreed, it still should not be an 'expectation' more an agreement that you will keep your word and do what you have agreed to do.

We start with things we each don't mind doing and things we hate doing, to each maximise our 'don't mind' list and minimise the 'hate' list. Might even offer to do more don't minds to get out of doing a hate.

If breakfast in bed is his absolute top priority, then you might agree to do it if he can offer a 'deal' that makes it seem worthwhile to you. As the DC get older and more responsible, they get more of a chance to negotiate their 'don't minds' and 'hates'.

Unilateral expectation of being waited on hand and foot... not so much.

Honeyroar · 07/08/2018 14:03

Stop training these children to take you for granted and do what their father does. In the school holidays they should be spooling you and bringing you breakfast in bed, all three of them.

53rdWay · 07/08/2018 14:04

It’s not your fault that he’s taking you for granted, it’s his. But you should stop bringing him cooked breakfast in bed now it’s clear to you that he’s doing it.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 07/08/2018 14:07

You are spoiling the kids, and you have spoiled your H!

Rod own back etc

RomanyRoots · 07/08/2018 14:13

who decided to have the cats and why do you have to be up so early, could one of them not get up with the cats or you get a cat flap or something. Then they could bring you breakfast in bed.

Original poster

theporridge · 07/08/2018 14:19

The pets are my responsibility because I got them and they hassle me basically. Without wanting to sound crazy, I think the cats have affected my sleep pattern. I keep them in at night because we’ve had 2 run over and also they are rare breeds and might get stolen. If I lock them downstairs they howl in unison from 4am and wake everyone up.

OP posts:

adaline · 07/08/2018 14:20

You definitely are spoiling your kids, there's no "maybe" about it. They're both old enough to get up and make their own breakfast. Even if you're up and want to make it for them, they should at least help with some of it. They can set the table, or get the milk, or make toast or tea or something. Please don't raise children who don't know how to fend for themselves. You only have to read all the threads on here about men who were raised in homes where they never had to lift a finger.

Please don't make the mistake of waiting on your kids/husband because you don't work outside the home. You might be a stay at home parent but you're under no obligation to cook all meals or anything like that. They're all capable of cooking for themselves and should do on a regular basis, even if it's just toast or cereal for the younger ones. Nobody needs a cooked breakfast in bed everyday!

adaline · 07/08/2018 14:22

I think the cats have affected my sleep pattern.

You've allowed them to do that. We have two cats who don't go out, neither of them wake me up yowling at 4am! If they're hungry, leave biscuits down for them overnight or get an automatic cat feeder that feeds them at a certain time.

Getting up at 4-5am for cats on a long-term basis is utterly ridiculous.

Original poster

theporridge · 07/08/2018 14:27

I do leave food out for them adaline but two are Ragdoll cats and they seem to get bored. I can’t tell the cats to be quiet. I’m the first to admit this is madness and I’ve never had cats like this before in my life, but I’m not sure what I can do apart from get rid of them and we can’t do that. The other cat is no trouble.

OP posts:

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 14:32

I don’t think you are a mug op I think you are extraordinarily kind and caring. I have a bully cat too but luckily my older ds lets him out/in.

What you do in your morning routine is completely up to you but my advice would be stop the breakfasts in bed for the kids. They don’t need this.

Tell your dh how upset you feel about his comments and see what he says.

PirateWeasel · 07/08/2018 14:33

To a lesser degree, my DH and I have the same routine. I'm an early riser, and have to eat as soon as I'm awake. He mumbles and flails about under the covers for aaaages after he wakes up, so at weekends I go down and get cereal and tea for us both and bring them up to bed so that I can eat. I can count on one hand the number of times he has got up first and brought me something. It can be annoying, but it's just a case of picking your battles. It's no trouble for me to bring up two bowls and mugs since I'm getting my own anyway, and I don't feel like a 1950s housewife for doing it. But the first, tiniest hint of ingratitude like your DH's comment about your 'priorities' and I'd be down on him like a ton of bricks...and he knows it. If I were you I'd call him up on that sharpish before he starts getting cocky!

Love51 · 07/08/2018 14:34

I don't think making your child's breakfast means you are spoiling them. But I'm biased, my dad always used to at least lay the table and pour orange juice and tea. I was cooking the evening meal independently a couple of times a week from 13 and alongside an adult before that, so I was perfectly capable. It was just nice to have someone prepare a meal for the family and see each other briefly in the mornings. But I come from a family that values eating together.
I don't understand food in bedrooms though. Especially greasy food.

onanothertrain · 07/08/2018 14:35

Did he actually say he expects it?

serbska · 07/08/2018 14:37

Getting up at 4-5am for cats on a long-term basis is utterly ridiculous.

Oh my goodness I missed that.

Cats shut downstairs at night.
Cat flap with a timer.
Food in a timed feeder.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2018 14:37

I don't think making your child's breakfast means you are spoiling them.

No, but the serving them in bed is a bit much considering the OP is only doing it to 'save her having to make individual breakfasts', when they all decide to grace her with the presence of their company...

TwoBlueShoes · 07/08/2018 14:37

But, Love51, I think there is a huge difference between making a meal for everyone at the table and making breakfast in bed for everyone every day.

I'm a cat slave too, so my cats also wake me up at 4am for breakfast.

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 14:41

Yes there’s something Downton Abbey about serving anyone breakfast in bed on a daily basis.

Cooking breakfast and putting it on the table for others to eat is far more normal.

Original poster

theporridge · 07/08/2018 14:45

To be absolutely honest, if I call them they don’t come until the food has gone cold or something, so this is why I take it up. Yes it probably is gross, but they bring the dishes down when they come. I actually do it because it makes things easier for me, to be honest, rather than having to nag them and shout up the stairs like a harridan. The cats are more trouble in the morning than the kids. I got the cats without telling DH so I feel like it’s not fair for him to get woken up by them.

OP posts:

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