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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make DH breakfast in school holidays?

132 replies

theporridge · 07/08/2018 12:52

This is obviously not a world crisis, but I’m wondering what other people might think.

I’m an early riser, so I normally wake up at 5.30am with the cats. Then, in term time, I get DS up for 6am as he goes to school early for a sport he trains for. I give him porridge or eggs or something and then, because it’s cooked, I take the other 2 DDs and DH breakfast in bed Shock. I do this because it’s easier than doing it again once they come down and I find the whole morning and everyone getting out runs more smoothly like this.

The AIBU is, I’ve still been doing breakfast in bed for DH even though it’s summer holidays. It’s been fine because I’m up anyway. However, we’re currently on holiday where there is a buffet breakfast. This morning I wasn’t well, so he brought me some fruit back in bed. I said, I could get used to this and maybe he could carry on when we got home. He said, “Charming” and “nice to know where I stand in order of family priorities.” He was joking, but not joking, if that makes sense. AIBU to think he shouldn’t actually expect me to make his breakfast, regardless of whether I do or not? Hope this makes sense? Thanks.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 07/08/2018 14:49

If it goes cold then tough. They'll learn to come down when it's ready won't they? Seriously OP, come on. How will they cope when they leave home? How will your DH cope when you leave him? Because I can see that coming in the next few years because I'd bet my bottom dollar this attitude of his involves other areas of your marriage too.

Plumsofwrath · 07/08/2018 14:49

I wouldn’t say you’re a mug as such, you know what your kids are like overall, and whether you’re spoiling them or whether they know they’ve got it good in you. But harsh to diagnose you in the back of just this!

What you don’t want is to raise them to be difficult partners to husbands/wives etc. My MIL has always, and continues to wait on all three of her children (all 30+). She says it’s because she wants to do it, it’s how she expresses her love, and it’s because she wants them to want to visit her (yes, she admits it). It’s also partly because she had a tough childhood herself and wants the opposite for her children (she’s short sighted in many ways). I have my own views about all this which aren’t really relevant, and each of her children has reacted to her MO differently. But she’s trying to do the same for my children now and the upshot is she doesn’t get to spend more than an overnight with them, with one of us there. This has caused some (not a huge amount of) tension with my DH.

Don’t make this an issue for your DC, it’s totally unnecessary on top of all the unavoidable stresses of life. Sure do nice and sensible things for them, but they need to know there being treated exceptionally well and can have no ongoing expectations of the same from anyone (including you as you age!). Seems like they may not be getting this life lesson from their dad, after all...

TwoBlueShoes · 07/08/2018 14:50

So, you want to continue making breakfast in bed for the kids, but your husband will make his own breakfast during the holidays? Is that right? No judgment, just trying to understand.

I do agree with shutting the cats in the kitchen at night and giving them breakfast when you are up. They won't starve in 2 hours.

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 14:50

Do they need a cooked breakfast every day? Get cereals. Or a toaster and they do it.

I see it’s essier for you now but it’s not modelling good habits. It’s fsr easier for me to tidy dds bedroom but it’s not doing her any favours so I hold back and she does it eventually.

Cats are a law unto themselves op I hear you there.

Did you talk to your dh?

Creatureofthenight · 07/08/2018 14:53

Hard cheese, they come down when called or they eat cold breakfast. If they don’t like it they can have a bowl of cereal.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 14:54

To be absolutely honest, if I call them they don’t come until the food has gone cold or something, so this is why I take it up.

And they know this. And are taking the piss out of you.

adaline · 07/08/2018 14:54

I’m the first to admit this is madness and I’ve never had cats like this before in my life, but I’m not sure what I can do apart from get rid of them and we can’t do that.

Wear earplugs? Let them have run of more than just one room overnight? Allow them up into bedrooms? Confine them to a smaller space where you can't hear them?

adaline · 07/08/2018 14:57

To be absolutely honest, if I call them they don’t come until the food has gone cold or something, so this is why I take it up

Oh come ON OP. They're playing you. They know they can stay all nice and toasty warm and comfortable and you'll shout for them, and they can ignore you because you'll take their food up anyway!

You've created this whole situation. Honestly, you sound lovely but a bit of a pushover. They're 10 and 12 years old. Tell them from September, there'll be no more breakfast in bed, and that you expect them to get up and make their own food. Same goes for your husband. They can have toast or cereal, or make their own. A 12 year old is more than capable of making porridge or a bacon sandwich if that's what they fancy.

Please stop being a mug.

delphguelph · 07/08/2018 14:57

You're not a mug.

But stop mollycoddling please.

Original poster
theporridge · 07/08/2018 15:01

I don’t know whether to bring this up again with DH as hell just laugh it off probably. To be honest, I’ve been having some psychotherapy over the last few months and I’m noticing lots of minor details about myself and / or DH and the kids and all sorts of things, so I’m in a process is what I’m saying. But I don’t want to become over-obsessive and make a fuss out of nothing either. I feel very calm somehow on this holiday (in a way I haven’t for years) and I’m more in the mindset to be making observations rather than arguing with DH, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/08/2018 15:03

" I do this because it’s easier than doing it again once they come down "

That's what I don't get-why would you be doing it again?

If you've cooked porridge for example, they come down on time, reheat some, eat it cold.

Do you really do porridge or eggs for everyone everyday?

53rdWay · 07/08/2018 15:05

What do you think would happen if you told DH that he’d need to come downstairs to eat his breakfast?

Original poster
theporridge · 07/08/2018 15:11

53rd - he wouldn’t mind coming down in principle - of course not. We eat together downstairs at weekends anyway. In reality, there is some crisis email first thing on most weekday mornings, or an overnight disaster on the stock market of unprecedented proportions or something unmissable on the Bloomberg news, so I just pick my battles, as a PP said.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 15:12

In reality, there is some crisis email first thing on most weekday mornings, or an overnight disaster on the stock market of unprecedented proportions or something unmissable on the Bloomberg news

I bet there is 😂

53rdWay · 07/08/2018 15:12

He can deal with work crisis emails downstairs as well as he can upstairs, though?

Syfychannel · 07/08/2018 15:15

You don't have to bring it up now on holidays. Wait till you get home then say you have decided to stop making everyone breakfast in bed from now on they can come down for a cooked breakfast that you will keep warm for them until X time (you could get one of those warming dishes) or they can help themselves to cereal or toast if they come later.
If anyone argues dont get drawn into a row. Just say you have decided to stop and that's that. They can't make you cook them breakfast. If they act up just ignore them and carry on.

adaline · 07/08/2018 15:17

In reality, there is some crisis email first thing on most weekday mornings, or an overnight disaster on the stock market of unprecedented proportions or something unmissable on the Bloomberg news, so I just pick my battles

So don't make his breakfast at all, and he can make it himself whenever he's dealt with whatever imaginary crisis he has to deal with.

53rdWay · 07/08/2018 15:17

I mean, I can’t think of any stock market crisis which requires cooked eggs and sausage being brought to one’s pillowside.

BuntyII · 07/08/2018 15:19

I don't think people should be berating you for doing something sweet for your children if you don't mind doing it. It's like putting their towel or pyjamas over the radiator before they get out of the bath - yes it's a bit of extra work and they could just grab their own cold towel but it's one of those things mums do sometimes.

Your DH is going to get a shock though when the kids move out and you start getting up a bit later.

BuntyII · 07/08/2018 15:21

Just pondering also - do many people eat cooked breakfasts in summer? Summer breakfasts in my house are cereal or fruit and yoghurt. Porridge during the colder months and bacon and eggs etc for weekends and holidays.

Topseyt · 07/08/2018 15:21

I am rather taken aback by your routine to be honest, and initially wondered if I have been some sort of a neglectful mother.

I don't think I have actually made breakfast for my children since they were in infant school and first began being reliable at pouring cereal from the box to a bowl. DH has always got his own breakfast, as have I. I've never taken any of them breakfast in bed and I don't expect them to do it for me either. In fact, beyond the odd occasion when I have been in hospital for some reason, I don't think I have ever had any meal in bed.

Stop doing this for them. They come down and get their own or they go hungry. It really is as simple as that.

You seem to be providing room service to them at the moment. Fuck that. I assume you aren't running a hotel!

I agree with the pp who said you sound lovely and caring, but are being a pushover.

In the long run you are doing none of them any favours.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/08/2018 15:27

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with breakfast in bed being one of the ways you feed your family if it works for you and you don’t have a problem doing it. It’s nice and it sounds like it’s generally appreciated. It’s when you are expected to do things you don’t really want to, that aren’t reciprocated in some other form or that are taken for granted that it all becomes problematic. If you are happy with the arrangement and get plenty of consideration in return, I think you should ignore all the shock about you making breakfast in bed. I don’t think it’s relevent to your actual issue.

But I’m not sure I understand exactly what you thought the undercurrent to your DH’s response was really saying. I read it as him indicating that you bringing him breakfast in bed was symbolic of him being a higher priority in the family than you (and I think that would be a serious concern), but you seem to think he meant it just showed you put him on an equal footing to the children and your quip about him bringing you breakfast in bed was you saying that the kids were top of the heap and I don’t think the second one is bad really. I know some people feel children should be first but I think in a family with plenty of resources to meet all needs it’s fine to think everyone is equal. I’d be a bit miffed if DH put the children over me, we work to make everyone equally important.

Cuppaorwine · 07/08/2018 15:35

If I took my teens breakfast in they would see me as being passive aggressive. Grin

You keep chilling on this holiday op and you do what you think is right for your family as we all do but just don’t become the family slave. You will regret it if you do come the teenage years. All meals will end up
Served in bed. Mine would love that Grin

mineisarossini · 07/08/2018 15:35

Your not his bloody mother Op!

Stop behaving like his mother. He has is an adult with two arms and two legs and an average sized brain, he can make his own breakfast! He could make you dinner, lunch. This is post is so bad, I am hoping it is not real.

You sound like a servant to all of them. They will all treat you like shit before too long if they are not already doing so. What are you doing??

EdisonLightBulb · 07/08/2018 15:35

I do a lot in our house as DH works very long hours and is often away. In fact I do one hell of a lot, as I work from home and standard 36 hours per week. Think cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, basic DIY etc

But... even I draw the line at breakfast and lunch (unless there are leftovers from the previous evening's dinner). What grown man can't put a slice of toast in the toaster as he's putting his shoes on or (in my DH's case) wrap two slices of bread in cling film to toast at work?