I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to fix it...

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

Today is my mums birthday. Nothing was planned so I text my stepdad and arranged for us all to meet in the garden of their local (including some friends and siblings.)

Shes a brilliant Mum, we always try to get something special for birthdays. I had messaged all my siblings previously asking if they wanted to go in on a day out. It was stupidly far in advance but we have to do it this way to make sure everyone is free etc. I did it on Facebook messenger... my younger brother and his girlfriend said yes so we arranged breakfast, escape room, golf lunch thing, bus tour and dinner.

Tonight we met and gave her the present.:. She loved it and we were really pleased.

My older brother said ‘thanks so much, you’re all going and you didn’t invite us.’

I said ‘I did... I always do’ (panto, booked in April to get front row, theatre tickets a year in advance for availability etc) ‘you always either don’t reply or say you don’t think that far ahead.’

He kept making comments, I should have risen above it. I didn’t I kept saying ‘I did invite you. I always invite you!’

I said to my husband ‘don’t we always?’ And he rolled his eyes, as he doesn’t like to get involved. I just wanted him to stick up for me and he was on the original message and knows I did.

My brother said ‘I’m going to arrange a big day out, and invite everyone but you.’

Not my husband, other brother or friend that were all there and coming... just me. He kept digging at me.

I went round the other side of the table to ask my husband for the keys to just go home. My brother said something like ‘youre A fucking liar’ and I threw my drink at him

There was an inch left and I missed but I’m a child and I should’ve just left it. I so wanted my mum to have a nice night. Obviously he retaliated by throwing an entire drink at me and I walked out.

I ruined my mums birthday and I feel the most terrible I’ve ever felt. I saw red... I’ve messaged her a grovelling apology, but (fair enough).. no reply.

Ugh... I hate myself.

I’ve text and text and my husband is so pissed at me. He pulled on our drive... I got out and shit the door and he drove off.

Why can’t I just be a bloody adult and say nothing.

SeaCabbage - it’s a day out. We’ve done this kind of thing before... my younger brother and I split the cost. And an Escape room is a place where you get locked in and have to solve puzzles to escape. They’re not uncommon...

I probably get on best with my mum than all my siblings, my family and I just got back from a week in Greece with them. I don’t doubt she totally loves me.

My brother came over with flowers and hugely apologised.

DH is still pissed at me. I’m not good at fighting with people. I’m waiting to go into an important meeting with potential client and I just feel really down and stressed.

That's good to hear about your brother op, am glad he apologised. He sounds nicer than your DH!

Good luck with your meeting, don't think about it for now.

Great news about your brother OP. Glad he’s seen sense

I don’t blame you for snapping and throwing your drink OP.

After being the one to organise your mums birthday and to have it thrown back in your face by your brother who couldn’t even be bothered to commit to your plans.

It sounds like it’s hardly the first time your efforts have gone unnoticed.

It’s hard being the one everyone blames and the one everyone puts their shit onto.

My parents held a big family BBQ on my sisters birthday a few years ago and I came over to celebrate with them and was treated as a waitress all evening, fetching drinks, clearing up after people and minding the children of the guests so everyone else could sit and enjoy a drink. After several hours of it I was asked to fetch something else from indoors, went to get it, threw it in my sisters lap and told her to fuck off then left. Not my proudest moment but i’d Put up with being the family skivvy for too long over the years and I was DONE.

So glad about your brother

Why is your DH upset - he seems to be your problem

Fantastic news about your brother
Still confused why your husband is angry??? With you for throwing drink causing scene? Do you have form for this??
What is his take on events because I just do t get why he's causing so much fuss?

And why aren't you furious with your husband for not having your back ? Why is he being so unsupportive especially with an important meeting ???

You do sound quite reactive, OP. It's not normal to throw drinks as an adult (that applies to both of you involved).

So those of you wondering why her DH is upset, if your DH threw a drink at someone in a pub you'd think that was hilarious? I'd be upset if my DH did that.

Oh you poor thing... At least your brother has seen sense.
You lost your temper after huge provocation.
Try to let it go now. Don't dwell on it.
Why your husband is angry I don't know... Bet he has done silly things in the past.

Has your mum said anything?
This happens to me often, I do all the family organising of stuff just like you and then my brother or mother conveniently forget what I do for them... Once my mother said I never bothered about her birthday.. That was after I had organised a surprise Caribbean cruise for her present!

Over the years I have learnt to either not do that stuff anymore. Or ignore any comments.

I'd hate my partner throwing drinks I'd be mortified, but the difference is I'd have stepped in and de-escalated the situation before it got to that point, and would have made sure the brother knew he was invited. And I would be loving and supportive of my o.h whilst pointing out that spoiling mums day was out if order

But has your brother acknowledged and told everyone else who was there that he was included in the messages????

Great news your brother apologised it takes a decent person to do that, hopefully your mum and husband will follow suit

I agree with everything fiesta and sandy said. FGS do not start sending screen shots of invites to your brother round the family. You both ruined your mum's birthday and you need to grow the fuck up

Accept the apology. Then in a few days ask your brother how he wants to go forward with future events so that it doesn't happen again.

At least he apologised. I'd step back from making all the arrangements now. Tell them it's someone else turn. They won't like it but why should you take that crap. Your DH is a dick for not supporting you. Even if he though you'd over reacted and didn't want to get involved at the time, he should be supportive at home.

Do they take advantage of your good nature in other ways? DH included? His reaction is rather worrying.

It's nice your brother apologised to you. I hope he did the same with your Mum.

My D.C. are all in their teens, and when they're a few years older I wouldn't like theatre tickets or dinners in pubs...I'd really, really like them to get in with each other, and be there for each other. That would be the best gift ever. I think you should let your Mum know you've made up with your brother, and double invite him to everything from now on. Not everyone is as organised as you.

Glad your brother apologised, your dh is being very dramatic about it. I’m sure he’s lost his shit before, don’t give yourself a hard time your only human.

Good brother has apologised now dh has to

I would have a think about your relationship with dh, he hasn't got your back.

As others have said you did let your temper get the better of you which isn't great. But you're human it was a slit second. Your brother actively chose to bully you all evening with talking about not being invited.

Your husband and other family who heard should have backed you up. Especially as you have made all of the effort to arrange the day and it sounds like you arrange lots for the family. Which I know is no easy job!

I think it's understandable your mum is a bit miffed but tbh I'd keep an eye on her reaction I think it would be unfair of her to make a big drama of it given your brother was being horrible and you made lots of effort to arrange something.

Ahh sorry didn't see 5 more pages of thread on my phone!! Glad he apologised.

Where did your husband go?

Have you a history of losing it and your dh has enough? My dhs family can be fiery.After a few incidents I have expressed to dh that l want him to totally stay out of it especially if l am there or our dc. In spite of their carry on l would be raging at him if he threw a drink. I expect him to take the high moral stand. It has kept him out of a lot of trouble. They recover quickly but l am traumatised as my family are the opposite. Someone could fire a shot at them and they would smile and continue eating.
Please stop organising stuff. Just buy your dm a present from you. There is too much to do getting everyone involved now ye are all grown up.
Let this be an opportunity for change.

I think it’s very odd that OP is ignoring questions about her husband’s reaction to all this...