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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to fix it...

149 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/08/2018 20:55

Today is my mums birthday. Nothing was planned so I text my stepdad and arranged for us all to meet in the garden of their local (including some friends and siblings.)

Shes a brilliant Mum, we always try to get something special for birthdays. I had messaged all my siblings previously asking if they wanted to go in on a day out. It was stupidly far in advance but we have to do it this way to make sure everyone is free etc. I did it on Facebook messenger... my younger brother and his girlfriend said yes so we arranged breakfast, escape room, golf lunch thing, bus tour and dinner.

Tonight we met and gave her the present.:. She loved it and we were really pleased.

My older brother said ‘thanks so much, you’re all going and you didn’t invite us.’

I said ‘I did... I always do’ (panto, booked in April to get front row, theatre tickets a year in advance for availability etc) ‘you always either don’t reply or say you don’t think that far ahead.’

He kept making comments, I should have risen above it. I didn’t Blush I kept saying ‘I did invite you. I always invite you!’

I said to my husband ‘don’t we always?’ And he rolled his eyes, as he doesn’t like to get involved. I just wanted him to stick up for me and he was on the original message and knows I did.

My brother said ‘I’m going to arrange a big day out, and invite everyone but you.’

Not my husband, other brother or friend that were all there and coming... just me. He kept digging at me.

I went round the other side of the table to ask my husband for the keys to just go home. My brother said something like ‘youre A fucking liar’ and I threw my drink at him Blush

There was an inch left and I missed but I’m a child and I should’ve just left it. I so wanted my mum to have a nice night. Obviously he retaliated by throwing an entire drink at me and I walked out.

I ruined my mums birthday and I feel the most terrible I’ve ever felt. I saw red... I’ve messaged her a grovelling apology, but (fair enough).. no reply.

Ugh... I hate myself.

I’ve text and text and my husband is so pissed at me. He pulled on our drive... I got out and shit the door and he drove off.

Why can’t I just be a bloody adult and say nothing. Blush

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 06/08/2018 21:18

you've done nothing wrong! you were pushed and pushed and snapped and now you're the one everyone is sulking with? wtf!

MadMags · 06/08/2018 21:20

Were you all drunk?

I'm confused. Did you give your mum the present already? And what happened when you both threw the drinks?

PerspicaciaTick · 06/08/2018 21:21

Your brother spoiled your mum's birthday. Who has he apologised to? He sounds absolutely insufferable and your DH sounds like an arse.

HellenaHandbasket · 06/08/2018 21:22

Tbh, they should now be apologising to you. I would send a text to your mum saying you have her present, and attach screenshot of the message to your brother.

Group msg the rest of attendees with nothing but screenshot.

Text dh and tell him that his unreasonable disloyalty has really hurt you and he needs to think long and hard about that.

Then put the dress in the wash, get in the bath/shower and chill out.

mummmy2017 · 06/08/2018 21:23

Please stop taking the blame.
Be angry at your brother, do not contact him.
As said just let your husband stew, go get a bath and stick some happy music on.
Let this be the day the worm turns.

neveradullmoment99 · 06/08/2018 21:23

Was your brother invited or not? If he was, I don't get his attitude?

BarbarianMum · 06/08/2018 21:23

So your brother's a total arse, what's the story with the rest of your family and your dh? Either you've misrepresented what went on (were you very drunk, throwing things is not cool?) or there's something very wrong with your relationship with your nearest and dearest.

I suggest you start doing far fewer lovelythings for your family. Kick back and let them sort it.

Rudgie47 · 06/08/2018 21:23

You need to really think about having nothing further to do with your brother ever. Also I'd be talking to your husband about expecting support from him. If hes not willing to do it I'd get rid of him as well.
You've not done anything that bad, I've known people who would have put him in hospital if they had been goaded like this.

beyondthesky · 06/08/2018 21:24

Sounds like you were provoked by your brother tbh. But I would be furious with DH for not taking my side publicly, even if he thought I was in the wrong.

May I suggest you stop being the one who makes all the arrangements as you clearly get no appreciation for it.

In your shoes I would just arrange to see your mum separately from rest of your family.

Stop texting your DH, he'll return when he's ready. Have a nice shower/bath and settle down with a nice book Thanks

peachgreen · 06/08/2018 21:24

Why is your DH not talking to you?

Quartz2208 · 06/08/2018 21:24

No you are not I think if you are the poster I think you are you have finally reached the end of your tether with the incompetent men in your life who never support or stand up for you

Both of them should be apologising to YOU

SofiaAmes · 06/08/2018 21:25

So sorry. I am very familiar with this family dynamic....the constant prodding until you lose it and then you get blamed even though you are the one doing everything. By the way, slightly off topic....Congratulations on the significant weight loss. Are you sure the hair loss is from the weight loss? Please go see your gp and double check. Not to be a scare mongerer, but my good friend had similar circumstances and it turned out the hair loss was from something far more serious.

user1488622199 · 06/08/2018 21:25

I have brothers. They organise nothing but are the first to complain about arrangements or put their hand out for help. It’s always the same entitled ones that create the most fuss too. I’m sorry that he’s such a dick and you’re embarrassed but fair play for standing your ground. I would send screenshots of the Facebook messages then tell them going forward you’ll be organising your own presents and everyone else can sort themselves out. Your husband sounds pathetic too. I’m massively cross on your behalf (projecting probably because we are mid organising an event type present for our mum!)

MadMags · 06/08/2018 21:26

Wait, why is DH not speaking to you?

Yumyumpigs · 06/08/2018 21:26

Your brother is an arse

Your DP should have backed you up.

Yes you lost your temper but who wouldn't.

I'm sure your mum will accept your apology and things will be fine soon.

YABU to shit the door though ...

Timeisslippingaway · 06/08/2018 21:27

I don't know why you're feeling so guilty I think you are the one that deserves the apology for No one stickingup for you. Your brother is a dick I understand that your dh doesn't want to get involved but he didn't need to run off and leave you yourself.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/08/2018 21:27

No, we weren’t drunk.. (that’s why I asked for the keys, I had an inch left in my glass because I’d had two thirds of 175ml of my first drink)

We’d not long arrived.

The responses are so kind... I can’t believe it actually as my DH is so angry I couldn’t let it go he’s driven off. I’m not sure on my next move... (except a shower!)

OP posts:
ferntwist · 06/08/2018 21:30

YANBU. Your brother is hugely out of order and so is your DH for not having your back. Do not apologise to anyone.

SassitudeandSparkle · 06/08/2018 21:31

Why did you keep responding to your brother though? You knew you'd invited him, you knew he was wrong. As I always say, you don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to. If your siblings were there they would have known that he was invited.

Don't start sending screenshots. You don't have anything to prove.

Starlighter · 06/08/2018 21:32

Team OP here too. Flowers

Your brother sounds awful and your DH is a spineless git for not having your back.

I’d screenshot the messages you sent to your brother to everyone. Then say you regret throwing your minimal dregs of a drink but you are saddened and disappointed that nobody stuck up for you.

Next time, ignore him. Don’t engage. He’s an arsehole. And don’t bother organising anything either. Time the others stepped up.

QueenOfIce · 06/08/2018 21:33

Your brother should have said nothing, he was there so who cares what happened. He's an arsehole he ruined your mums birthday by not keeping his mouth shut and putting his selfishness before your mums day.

As for your dh, it would have been nice if he'd have backed you and said you had invited them and to drop it.

You've apologised to your mum she'll come round and maybe you can do something nice together the 2 of you later on.

Do nothing now, have a shower a cuppa and let your dh drive himself in circles before he comes home. You said your sorry, no need to beg for forgiveness he needs to get over it.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/08/2018 21:33

I really dont get why your DH is so angry! Its your family nd you have argued with a brother who sounds lke he treats you like shit. My DH may not be impressed at me throwing a glass of wine but he would totally have left with me and listened while I ranted. Her would also have probably stood up for me at the table byt saying yes marypoppins did invite you, Ive seen the messages.

Cut cntact with your brother to as low as you can and rethink your relationship with DH, they both sound like bullies but while its easy to get away from brother not so with a husband.

You really do sound like the family scapegoat as pp said. Please make a decision to organise your own present for your mum from now on and let someone else be the scapegoat.

LotsToThinkOf · 06/08/2018 21:34

Your brother is an attention seeking dick head, he pushed and pushed until you snapped. Of course, some self control would have been better but sometimes that's overridden by being antagonised. It doesn't sound like the first time your brother has behaved like this. You didn't spoil anything, your mum should be able to see that.

What I don't understand is your DH's reaction. Why is he making this about him? He should be supporting you.

AnoukSpirit · 06/08/2018 21:34

The men in your life are shitbags op.

Hard to say it better than that.

There are two terrible people in the scenario you describe: your brother and your arsehole of a husband.

Why the fuck aren't you angry at your brother for ruining your mum's birthday after all your hard work trying to make it such a nice day for her, and at your bastard husband for not only failing to support you but punishing you for standing up for yourself?

Is your husband not used to you standing your ground by any chance? It reads horribly like he's trying to put you back in your place so you won't start standing up to him next. It's shitty, manipulative behaviour he's engaging in right now. Normal adults don't do what he's done tonight, driving off like that. It's fucked up.

I am angry at them on your behalf. You should be angry at them not yourself.

PerspicaciaTick · 06/08/2018 21:34

Have a lovely shower, find something fun you want to watch on TV. Leave your DH to finish his strop, he is (supposedly) a grown man and will come home when he is bored. There is no reason why you need to stress about his tantrum.

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