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Original poster

I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to fix it...

149 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/08/2018 20:55

Today is my mums birthday. Nothing was planned so I text my stepdad and arranged for us all to meet in the garden of their local (including some friends and siblings.)

Shes a brilliant Mum, we always try to get something special for birthdays. I had messaged all my siblings previously asking if they wanted to go in on a day out. It was stupidly far in advance but we have to do it this way to make sure everyone is free etc. I did it on Facebook messenger... my younger brother and his girlfriend said yes so we arranged breakfast, escape room, golf lunch thing, bus tour and dinner.

Tonight we met and gave her the present.:. She loved it and we were really pleased.

My older brother said ‘thanks so much, you’re all going and you didn’t invite us.’

I said ‘I did... I always do’ (panto, booked in April to get front row, theatre tickets a year in advance for availability etc) ‘you always either don’t reply or say you don’t think that far ahead.’

He kept making comments, I should have risen above it. I didn’t Blush I kept saying ‘I did invite you. I always invite you!’

I said to my husband ‘don’t we always?’ And he rolled his eyes, as he doesn’t like to get involved. I just wanted him to stick up for me and he was on the original message and knows I did.

My brother said ‘I’m going to arrange a big day out, and invite everyone but you.’

Not my husband, other brother or friend that were all there and coming... just me. He kept digging at me.

I went round the other side of the table to ask my husband for the keys to just go home. My brother said something like ‘youre A fucking liar’ and I threw my drink at him Blush

There was an inch left and I missed but I’m a child and I should’ve just left it. I so wanted my mum to have a nice night. Obviously he retaliated by throwing an entire drink at me and I walked out.

I ruined my mums birthday and I feel the most terrible I’ve ever felt. I saw red... I’ve messaged her a grovelling apology, but (fair enough).. no reply.

Ugh... I hate myself.

I’ve text and text and my husband is so pissed at me. He pulled on our drive... I got out and shit the door and he drove off.

Why can’t I just be a bloody adult and say nothing. Blush

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 06/08/2018 21:56

Team OP here. He's lucky dinner didn't up on him too.

WineAndTiramisu · 06/08/2018 21:57

Send the screenshots of the conversation to the whole family, then stop organising these presents, let someone else do it for a change.

And your DH should have your back, when this has all settled talk to him about why he didn't.

FiestaThenSiesta · 06/08/2018 21:58

I can’t believe how many are blaming your husband for
1/ trying to behave like an adult and not letting your brother bait him and responding in anger (like you did)

2/ trying to drop the situation because it’s your mother’s birthday and you can’t have an argument with one person.

3/ staying out of your immature family shite. This was between you and your brother and you had messages to back up your version. What are you 5, that you need to drag someone else to be on your side and gang up on your brother?

4/ your brother was making a stupid threat saying he’d not invite you because the rest of your family (who see his behaviour) would hopefully pull him up on this and not be willing participants.

So your brother was pushing your buttons. Your DH tried to stay out of it. You and your brother ruined your mum’s night and you’re deflecting blame to your husband for not “backing you up” when you acted horridly.

foldingtable · 06/08/2018 22:00

Does your brother maybe not like the fact that you’ve lost weight? This isn’t about an invite, this is about making you look or feel insecure.

Brew
Cheby · 06/08/2018 22:00

Team OP here too. Your brother deliberately goaded you into reacting. He’s a twat, and so is your DH for not defending you. Is your brother the golden child in your family by any chance?

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 22:01

Why do you need you DH to stand up for you when you had the evidence of messages sent?

I wouldn't have involved my DH at all.

I'm really suprised everyone here seems to think you behaved ok. If a colleague goaded you like this...would you throw a drink at them? Or only family.

I don't get it. Your whole family seem a bit odd ...in that none of the others said anything....either to say your brother was included in the message or to tell him to give it a rest .
That's what would happen in your normal average family.

Even you saying you were leaving was unnecessary and an overreaction.

You were letting your brother push you out. Couldn't say... let's just enjoy mum's birthday

There's more to your family dynamic than stated here...because it doesn't make sense otherwise.

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 22:01

I'm also team OP. Obviously ideally you wouldn't have risen to your DB's goody shit but you've admitted that and apologised. Your brother was actually the one who was deliberately acting like a total dick.

CandleWithHair · 06/08/2018 22:02

Oh dear, I don’t think anyone comes out of this looking particularly good, but you definitely did nothing to warrant a public showdown and humiliation.
Your DH in my eyes has the biggest case to answer here, you’re his wife fgs. When he deigns to come home I’d be having a calm but serious conversation with him about why he isn’t on your team.

Notevilstepmother · 06/08/2018 22:03

Your brother goaded you and your husband has no right to be angry with you. It’s not his birthday.

You can’t fix it because you are not a terrible person.

I’m quite concerned you think it’s ok for your husband to be angry with you for being upset and angry yourself.

EstuaryBird · 06/08/2018 22:04

100% with you on this one OP, but you have to stop thinking that you're a 'terrible person' who needs 'fixing'. I suspect that your brother made such a big fuss is so that your Mum will think that his non-involvement in Birthday outing is all your fault rather than that he's just not bothered.

Is it possible that DH has gone back to pub to sort things out?

Graphista · 06/08/2018 22:04

Screenshot the proof you DID ask him, post to all involved, titled "BUT I WON'T BE BOTHERING AT ALL IN FUTURE"

Stop beating yourself up and stop putting yourself out so much for people who don't give a shit about you - and that INCLUDES your mother and husband!

Tell your husband you expect him to have your back and if he can't he can sod off too!

Frankly if I were you I'd go Nc with this brother too - I'm Nc with my sister this is EXACTLY the kinda crap she'd pull usually to try and cover for doing sod all for the birthday person themselves.

You're owed an entire round of apologies.

Fuck the lot of em!

FlatPackFurnitureCompAnyone · 06/08/2018 22:05

Your brother is so full of shit saying he’s going to organise a day out and not invite you. Like hell he is! He didn’t organise anything for your mother’s birthday, did he? And he reckons he never heard about what YOU were organising so if that was actually true, he was just assuming nobody was going to give her a present and he was fine with that. Hmm

I can’t blame your DH for staying out of it but he could have been more supportive of you in private. My DH has never got involved in my issues with narc DM but he’s always extremely constructive and supportive when we’re alone together.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 22:06

@fiestathensiesta

So your brother was pushing your buttons. Your DH tried to stay out of it. You and your brother ruined your mum’s night and you’re deflecting blame to your husband for not “backing you up” when you acted horridly.

Absolutely.

The rest of your post is spot on too.

If my DH had caused that embarrassment I'd be pissed off and leave him to his family functions in the future if he didn't apologise.

I don't like to be any part of such behaviour in public. Totally embarrassing.

PyeWackets · 06/08/2018 22:08

You've been badly let down by the men in your life.

Relax, have a shower, it'll work itself out.

FlatPackFurnitureCompAnyone · 06/08/2018 22:09

Your whole family seem a bit odd ...in that none of the others said anything

sandy obviously I know nothing more about the OP’s family than what she’s said here but sadly there are many, many ‘a bit odd’ families with f-ed up dynamics.... it could easily happen, it does in mine!

haribosmarties · 06/08/2018 22:10

Your DH is massively overreacting! Yeah you shouldnt have thrown a drink but these things happen and actually you didnt even get anyone wet... he also stood by and let your brother be incredibly rude to you... why didnt he back you up? To be honest id be furious. Idve not thrown a drink but I would have told them both to fuck off.
I think YOU should be angry at your DH not the other way round. He should be apologising to you.
Flowers

Dermymc · 06/08/2018 22:11

Your brother is a twat. Be angry with him.

Apologise to your mum and husband.

DaisyDreaming · 06/08/2018 22:13

If throwing a drink is the worst thing you’ve don’t that doesn’t make you an awful person! I hope it all blows over tonighg

BadderWolf · 06/08/2018 22:13

Oh gosh OP not sure if you did good or bad tbh. Maybe both. Anyway I just threw another glass full over your shitty DB in my head and didn't miss this time Wink I hope you and your mum are ok and things great smoothed over at home soon.

Noqont · 06/08/2018 22:15

Oh bless you, not ideal to throw the drink, but your brother is a complete arse and your DH should have supported you.you don't deserve any of this. I bet your brother isn't beating himself up for throwing a whole drink over you. Really you don't need this, they're bringing you down when it's their behaviour that is very questionable. Not yours.

theveryhighlife · 06/08/2018 22:18

Honestly OP, don't feel bad. We all have our limits and make snap decisions sometimes.
You've tried to apologise.
Try not to worry too much. Everything will settle down

SleightOfMind · 06/08/2018 22:23

Your DB is horrible, but you know that anyway.

Your DH’s behaviour is unbelievable. You’ve had a really awful and upsetting evening and he’s fucked off in a strop.

Unless there’s more to this than you’ve told us, DH is behaving cruelly.

petrolpump28 · 06/08/2018 22:25

hilarious.

eddielizzard · 06/08/2018 22:27

Your brother is an absolute twerp. I wouldn't organise anything in future since he clearly has issues.

Be kind to yourself. You did the best you could in the circs, you made a huge effort for your mum and did a great job. Call your mum tomorrow and apologise.

As for your DH why isn't he sticking up for you? Why is HE in a huff? WTF has it got to do with him and why didn't he back you up when you said you had sent the msgs?

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 22:28

FlatPackFurnitureCompAnyone

there are many, many ‘a bit odd’ families with f-ed up dynamics

I think this is the crux if it...and no surprise her DH didn't want to get involved.