I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to fix it...

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

Today is my mums birthday. Nothing was planned so I text my stepdad and arranged for us all to meet in the garden of their local (including some friends and siblings.)

Shes a brilliant Mum, we always try to get something special for birthdays. I had messaged all my siblings previously asking if they wanted to go in on a day out. It was stupidly far in advance but we have to do it this way to make sure everyone is free etc. I did it on Facebook messenger... my younger brother and his girlfriend said yes so we arranged breakfast, escape room, golf lunch thing, bus tour and dinner.

Tonight we met and gave her the present.:. She loved it and we were really pleased.

My older brother said ‘thanks so much, you’re all going and you didn’t invite us.’

I said ‘I did... I always do’ (panto, booked in April to get front row, theatre tickets a year in advance for availability etc) ‘you always either don’t reply or say you don’t think that far ahead.’

He kept making comments, I should have risen above it. I didn’t I kept saying ‘I did invite you. I always invite you!’

I said to my husband ‘don’t we always?’ And he rolled his eyes, as he doesn’t like to get involved. I just wanted him to stick up for me and he was on the original message and knows I did.

My brother said ‘I’m going to arrange a big day out, and invite everyone but you.’

Not my husband, other brother or friend that were all there and coming... just me. He kept digging at me.

I went round the other side of the table to ask my husband for the keys to just go home. My brother said something like ‘youre A fucking liar’ and I threw my drink at him

There was an inch left and I missed but I’m a child and I should’ve just left it. I so wanted my mum to have a nice night. Obviously he retaliated by throwing an entire drink at me and I walked out.

I ruined my mums birthday and I feel the most terrible I’ve ever felt. I saw red... I’ve messaged her a grovelling apology, but (fair enough).. no reply.

Ugh... I hate myself.

I’ve text and text and my husband is so pissed at me. He pulled on our drive... I got out and shit the door and he drove off.

Why can’t I just be a bloody adult and say nothing.

Your Brother spoiled your mum’s Birtnday, but I understand it’s hard not to feel guilty and blame yourself. He was childish, you invited him as you always do. You’re not responsible for chasing it up if he decides it is too early to think about.

You’re not in the wrong to defend yourself and keep asserting that you did invite him. I’d be really annoyed at your Husband and anybody else there who was in on the original message who knew your Brother was included. Yes you lost your temper, but it’s not surprising really.

How was your brother there is he wasn't invited?

Seriously OP, this isn't you, it's them. Your brother was a fucking wanker and winding you up thinking he could get away with it. You H was a dickhead for not standing up for you and for being angry now. How dare he be angry with you, it should be the other way around!

Your brother is the one that ruined your mum's birthday, not you.

Team OP here too.

Your brother is a seriously nasty piece of work and your husband is a prick.

Read the replies OP - this many people can't all be wrong.

Your husband sounds completely feeble - why on earth didn;t he back you up when he knew you'd messaged everyone? If he'd done that it might have stopped the argument escalating.

Your older brother sounds like a totally wanker. I would send him screenshots of the message where he was invited and thereafter don;t bother to arrange anything else for any of them.

If you want to treat your Mum just take her and your stepdad out on her birthday. Then the others will have to make their own effort for once.

I'd have a nice bath and go to bed, your H can crawl back when he's ready and I'd expect an apology from him for being a dick, and letting you get attacked by your brother.

OP: you may not be perfect, but you are certainly more perfect than me! Had I been I in your shoes, there is no way I would have held my shit together for as long as you did, and I probably would have done worse than throwing a mostly empty drink and then missing.

I wonder how your DH would respond to something like "I felt let down because you didn't stand up for me when my brother lied about the invitation he'd receive." You know him better than anyone else here, and maybe that would just make him get defensive.

But regardless of what you do ... please stop beating yourself up. Losing your temper in the face of such provocation clearly does not bring you even close to being a terrible person.

Did your younger brother stand up for you, or your sisters-in-law? Your brother sounds like an ass, and I don't get your husband's response at all. Even if he was embarrassed because he thought you'd caused a scene, his reaction is way over the top.

I don't think you're the bad guy here, OP. Your brother and your DH are dicks.

Tbh I would have ignored your brother or produced the phone with the messages as evidence.

Throwing the drink at him was totally unnecessary...even if he did say to f... off.

I'd be annoyed if my DH behaved that way.

I think your next move should be that shower and perhaps a cup of hot tea and/or chocolate.

Listen, we ALL have our breaking point. Every single one of us. And the problem is that none of us know what that breaking point is until we've reached it! So give yourself a break. Throwing a drink was not OK, but I certainly understand why you did it!

You've apologized to your mum. There's nothing more you can do than that, other than maybe send some flowers. Your brother is just an ass. He basically doesn't want to be bothered with plans, so he just says he wasn't notified. Fuck that. I'd text him "When I notify you of plans in advance you don't reply, then say you weren't invited. So from now on I WON'T notify you, you can find out through Mum or one of our other siblings. I'm done taking the flak for your laziness and lack of planning".

As far as DH goes, he should have done something to defuse the situation, even if it was to say "Hey, this isn't the time. We'll settle this later" or something. And then come to your defense in a more private setting. As far as if you should apologize to him, IDK. I can see myself saying 'sorry' for throwing the drink but NOT for sticking up for myself when he refused to.

Your brother is a knob but TBH I don't get involved with my DH's family squabbles so I understand why your husband didn't, he shouldn't have driven off though.

Why us your husband angry???
Because your mums day was spoilt or....??

*and well done on the 6 stone weight loss - that's amazing! I'm sure your hair will recover

Agree I would print out the entire messages between you, brother and family about sorting out the gift. At the bottom I would write - now explain to me why he lied, goaded me and nobody there stood up for me or stopped him.

Then I would never again arrange a joint event out. Give a gift that can be bought in a shop and wrapped up. Have lunch out with DM on my own. Not involve Dh.

Jeez, someone has really done a number on you if you think you're the bad guy on this...

Do you always take all the blame for things that aren't wholly your fault?

Your brother sounds awful. You said you invite him places so he was lying saying that you don't. I presume your husband knows that you do invite him so he should have said you did. That's not getting involved, that's just stating facts to back up his wife when your brother is being horrible to you

Also, other people should have told your brother to just leave it. It could have been discussed at another time. Your brother caused the problem initially, not you. You know you shouldn't have thrown the drink at him but it's understandable that you got angry with his lies, nastiness and then no one backing you up or telling your brother to leave it until another day that wasn't your mums birthday.

I don't think you need to apologise to your mum. If she is being off with you and ignoring you then I hope she's giving the same treatment to your brother also. I don't understand your mum ignoring your text though.

As for your husband, who knows what his problem is. Would he rather you get treated like dirt and you just let your brother be nasty to you.

I think you are owed apologies by your brother and husband. I'd just be cool with them all until they start acting like grown ups.

I would stop making the effort to arrange everything for everyone, as no one could be bothered to back you up. Why should you bother ?

Have a shower and go to bed. It's up to your dh what he does - but I do think you should challenge him as to why he didn't support you.
And you're absolutely right for calling your brother out on his behaviour.

Sorry should have said I would give the print outs to your mother - no point with a birthed like that.

Nor would I lose my temper wth him if possible again as what he has shown is he will attack as a whole drink thrown and get away looking like a victim.

The fact that you threw a drink and you know are having a meltdown about it tells us this was an extreme reaction
You need to think hard about what your tipping point is. Do you want to be the person who throws a drink?

Your brother is a total idiot here, there was no need for him to act the way he did. Your husband was feeble too. You haven’t done anything terrible at all. I would’ve chucked my drink too. Your brother and husband have a lot to apologise for. You have always organised stuff for your mum, etc. At least you’ve apologised to your mum. 100% fault lies with dickhead brother.

I agree with the others, YOU are NOT in the wrong here.

Text your Mum again, say something like ‘Again, I’m sorry your day was spoilt, but I’m fed up of being ‘Freds’ scapegoat and when I was called a LIAR I snapped. As you can see, he WAS invited, as I said (attach screenshot of message message). HE needs to apologise and grow up until then I’m having nothing more to do with him’

Text your brother something like ‘You behaved like a complete arse today and spoilt it for Mum, and me. You KNOW you were invited, here’s the screen shot. I’ve had enough, do not EVER speak to me like that again’.

Text your H something like - I have NO idea what you’re problem is ?! YOU let ME down today, YOU KNOW I invited ‘Fred’ and you know he treats me like shit. I am YOUR WIFE, I deserve your support, not your sulking. Don’t bother coming back coming back until you're ready to apologise’

Then have a glass of wine and then go to bed. Turn your phone phone to silent & ignore the whole bloody lot of them.

🍷😴

There's more to this.

Totally agree with rhubarb fizz
Publically screen shot all invites and his negative replies and ask why no one had your back when they all knew you were right and that someone else will have to do the organising from now on

Yes weight loss is awesome ...just need to lose the lump of useless flabby skin( husband!)

When your Dh does speak to you - say to him "I can't believe you wouldn't back me up - you know I invited DBrother" and tell him how disloyal you consider his behaviour. Do not back down!

As for your DB - send him copies of the bloody messages, and copy your mum in, it really sounds like you do a lot of the organising, and then get treated like a scapegoat. It's not on.

You were a bit bad to throw your drink but its understandable. They were much worse.

You need to make
Your DH know he's in the wrong for not backing you. 🤬 angry for you