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Original poster

I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to fix it...

149 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/08/2018 20:55

Today is my mums birthday. Nothing was planned so I text my stepdad and arranged for us all to meet in the garden of their local (including some friends and siblings.)

Shes a brilliant Mum, we always try to get something special for birthdays. I had messaged all my siblings previously asking if they wanted to go in on a day out. It was stupidly far in advance but we have to do it this way to make sure everyone is free etc. I did it on Facebook messenger... my younger brother and his girlfriend said yes so we arranged breakfast, escape room, golf lunch thing, bus tour and dinner.

Tonight we met and gave her the present.:. She loved it and we were really pleased.

My older brother said ‘thanks so much, you’re all going and you didn’t invite us.’

I said ‘I did... I always do’ (panto, booked in April to get front row, theatre tickets a year in advance for availability etc) ‘you always either don’t reply or say you don’t think that far ahead.’

He kept making comments, I should have risen above it. I didn’t Blush I kept saying ‘I did invite you. I always invite you!’

I said to my husband ‘don’t we always?’ And he rolled his eyes, as he doesn’t like to get involved. I just wanted him to stick up for me and he was on the original message and knows I did.

My brother said ‘I’m going to arrange a big day out, and invite everyone but you.’

Not my husband, other brother or friend that were all there and coming... just me. He kept digging at me.

I went round the other side of the table to ask my husband for the keys to just go home. My brother said something like ‘youre A fucking liar’ and I threw my drink at him Blush

There was an inch left and I missed but I’m a child and I should’ve just left it. I so wanted my mum to have a nice night. Obviously he retaliated by throwing an entire drink at me and I walked out.

I ruined my mums birthday and I feel the most terrible I’ve ever felt. I saw red... I’ve messaged her a grovelling apology, but (fair enough).. no reply.

Ugh... I hate myself.

I’ve text and text and my husband is so pissed at me. He pulled on our drive... I got out and shit the door and he drove off.

Why can’t I just be a bloody adult and say nothing. Blush

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 06/08/2018 22:28

Your brother is a total prick!! Your DH isn't much better. I would not be speaking to your brother for a very long time.

BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 06/08/2018 22:28

I can kind of understand Dh not wanting to get involved in the actual argument, but wtf is he pissed off about, to the extend he has driven off into the night?! Baffling.

Tara336 · 06/08/2018 22:31

You shouldn’t have thrown the drink, but let’s not forget your brother goaded you and no one stepped in to tell him to stop, then he throws a drink at you so as an outsider I’d say he’s a massive twat and owes you and your mum an apology tbh

BewareOfDragons · 06/08/2018 22:32

I would print out the entire messages between you, brother and family about sorting out the gift. At the bottom I would write - now explain to me why he lied, goaded me and nobody there stood up for me or stopped him.

This.

Your brother is a dick. And your DH sounds like one too for failing to support you.

Has your family always ignored his dickishness and let him (and probably others) pick on you in this manner? Because it's shocking and wrong.

iheartjaffas · 06/08/2018 22:37

It says a lot about your brother when he makes the family occasion all about him, can't seem to help but stir the pot and then when you do snap he retaliates and throws a drink back at you! I know you threw yours first but you had kept quiet until that point and tried to not give him attention until then.

It does sound odd that absolutely nobody around that table said anything to try and calm the situation, not just DH but other siblings, in laws, mum herself etc??

CornforthWhite · 06/08/2018 22:37

Stop apologising now. This isn't your fault.
Print messages and mail them to everyone.

HelpmeobiMN · 06/08/2018 22:41

Your brother is a c*nt and your DH doesnt sound much better. I feel very sorry for you - you're clearly doing an enormous amount of emotional labour for two utterly unappreciative shit faces.

WatchingFromTheWings · 06/08/2018 22:42

Another one saying take screen shots and send them out to everyone!!

GlitteryFluff · 06/08/2018 22:51

Agree with others. You're not in the wrong (not the best behaviour mind you)..., but if you did invite him and he ignored the message then he's a complete dick.

CSIblonde · 06/08/2018 22:57

If his usual MO is to do this, print off your invite & once he kicks off, give it to him there, say "here's a copy of your invite" . (with witnesses so he can't claim you haven't). I'd also do a confirmation email to all a week before, listing whose replied/said yes. So ALL know in advance, he hasn't: & they'll wonder WTF he's kicking off about. His look everyone she left me out is then spiked/pointless.

Does he shit stir with all the family or are you his nominated handy scapegoat because he knows he'll get a reaction. Change your reaction you change the toxic dynamic of the relationship. He's sad: & toxic.

LaMainDeFatima · 06/08/2018 22:58

Next time get your mum a gift from you or an event for you and her . Let your brother et al sort themselves out

BedtimeTea · 06/08/2018 23:00

You apologised to your motuhr, but you threw your drink first and should apologise to your brother for loosing your temper and doing that
Even if he doesn't apologise to you for calling you a liar and throwing a drink back, you starting the drink throwing and if I were you, I would apologuise.

BedtimeTea · 06/08/2018 23:01

*mother

Squidgee · 06/08/2018 23:02

Even if you HADNT invited him, the party itself is NOT the place to pick a fight over it..

Ruining his mothers birthday to point score against his sister is such fucking bad manners. He 'lost' the moment he did that.

3girlmama · 06/08/2018 23:04

You're not terrible. Sounds like you're lovely for organising the day in the first place. Your DH is the terrible one for not sticking up for you and your brother was being a bully and therefore also the terrible one.
Maybe your mum hasn't replied because she's not seen the message or seen it and meant to reply but got distracted (My mum does that and it bleddy annoys me!) xx

bastardkitty · 06/08/2018 23:07

You must feel so lonely with your brother being a massive cunt and your husband being so disloyal and your mum ignoring your apology. I really hope you have some decent friends because your 'nearest and dearest' are a bit shit. If not, you have some now Smile

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 06/08/2018 23:17

Why didn't any others who were in the group chat say anything about the other brother knowing about the trip?

But anyway, stop apologising to everyone. And when your dh comes home ask him why exactly he buggered off and what he's angry with you for. Stick up for yourself and stop apologising.

Well done on your superb weight loss!

Jaxhog · 06/08/2018 23:27

Never assume someone has received a message on social media, or email. When he didn't reply, you should have checked he got the message, by (novel idea) 'phoning him. I'm afraid you've boobed with this one. Not everyone uses messenger.

bastardkitty · 06/08/2018 23:38

Not sure WTF this is about ^. He gets the messages. He replies saying he can't plan that far ahead. Then he spits his dummy when he hasn't responded and been included. He sounds like a ridiculous prick determined to cause a scene and make it all about him.

BedtimeTea · 07/08/2018 00:06

PS. Your brother was being very rude talking as he did, unjustly accusing you of leaving him out of the group gift of day out plans. Did he bring your mother a present since he claims he was not informed about the day out?

tildaMa · 07/08/2018 01:48

@FiestaThenSiesta
I can’t believe how many are blaming your husband for
1/ trying to behave like an adult and not letting your brother bait him and responding in anger (like you did)

Yes, because rolling your eyes at someone asking for a bit of support is such a good example of behaving like an adult.

embod · 07/08/2018 07:40

OP I hope you’re okay today and DH saw sense, came home and apologised. You didn’t behave well but your brother sounds foul and was clearly pushing your buttons. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have our limits. Flowers

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/08/2018 07:59

I think if I were you I'd message everyone with an apology for letting yourself be provoked into throwing your drink (because that was bad, as you've noted), then say 'Just to confirm, here are the messages regarding the outing invitation - as you see, no response was received from X'.

Then leave it there.

SeaCabbage · 07/08/2018 08:51

The bit that confuses me is that although you say she is a brilliant mum, why on earth would you have to get for her birthday:

a breakfast
an escape room (whatever that is)
golf lunch
bus tour
dinner.

So, three meals and three activities. It just seems so extraordinarily excessive.

Do you get on with your mum? Do you feel as loved as her other children? Because from the outside it looks like you are the one who organises all these things to make her love you?? Maybe.

And why didn't she tell your brother to be quiet?

WowLookAtYou · 07/08/2018 08:58

You and your brother sound like Smithy and Rudi.