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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
serbska · 06/08/2018 15:35

It's a bit shitty of his family not to invite you and DD too

No it isn't!

A weekend away with your adult siblings is NOT that same as a weekend away with your adult siblings and one wife and one child...

unadventuretime · 06/08/2018 15:37

I don't think you are BU. Assuming he's away most weekdays you're looking at doing a 12 day stretch of childcare with no break. I know I would find that really stressful and bad for my MH. If it was my DH I'd suggest he go on the weekend but also take a few days off work before or after it to spend with you and/or the DC so you get a break too.

worridmum · 06/08/2018 15:37

How about you stop being a SAHM and get yourself a job so he can take a step back from this high demand job.

Go out too toddler groups make your own friends do something with yourself rather then saying to your partner he is not allowed to unwind or spend any time with his family because you are lonely.

If you got a job yourself you could spend tiem with adults too but you choose to be a SAHM unless he forced you to do that.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 15:38

You're bored shitless at home.Your husband is away interacting with adults all week and now wants to do it at weekends too.Your kid misses your husband - but that you are overstating it to avoid sounding unreasonable.So - you actually can't stop another adult doing what they want. You can only change your bit - if you're not happy at home, if the balance isn't right for your family: have that conversation

This. I'm sorry op, but that's exactly what it reads like. And the poster is right, have the conversation if it's not working for you. Go back to work if you're lonely, find childcare, but tell your husband it doesn't work for you and you're not coping emotionally.

Oblomov18 · 06/08/2018 15:41

Is he in Saudi Arabia? Earning £250k- 500k++, but only coming home once every 6 months? Wink
Why aren't you and DD visiting HIM more often? She's only 2.

SeaToSki · 06/08/2018 15:51

Regarding helping DD, I used to get my dc to draw a picture for Daddy and we would then pin it on a notice board. When he got home, they would show daddy all the pictures. It works nicely through the day for a cut finger, a fun activity, what they had for breakfast. And if DD is struggling when Daddy leaves the house, he can ask her to go and draw him a picture of a "purple elephant" or whatever to put on his notice board to look at together later. It's a nice distraction technique and bonding activity.

SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 16:14

A 2 year old who cries 3 times a day is "abnormal" or has "separation anxiety"?? Hmm

Seems like pps on this thread had a VERY different experience of the terrible twos than I did! Grin

(For the record, my dd used to cry a lot when she was two and is now perfectly secure, attached and normal developmentally.)

SilverySurfer · 06/08/2018 16:35

I think YABU and should not veto your DH going. I can also understand why the childfree siblings haven't invited you and your DD which would presumably completely change the dynamics of the trip.

It's one weekend out of 52 - perhaps you could arrange your own weekend away or a break for all three of you?

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 17:11

A 2 year old who cries 3 times a day is "abnormal" or has "separation anxiety

Are you on a different thread to the rest of us? Where did the three come from and who said that a kid simply crying three times a day made her abnormal or have separation anxiety?

The discussion was about her asking for him several times a day, crying for him in all imstances like hurting her finger, being inconsolable if he left the house or if they skyped and they had to say goodbye and it takes then op 30 mins to calm her down.

So either you couldn't be arsed reading the thread, or just thought you'd make some random shit up and post it. Which was it....?

FuckPants · 06/08/2018 17:12

*I'm a grown adult...I work and earn money...there's no where my DH could stop me from going. I let him know I'm going..
I'm not seeking permission from him. He's not my dad. Once I left home nobody could dictate what I did.

The day he tries to stop me...is the day our marriage would be over. *

This is me too.

I also am concerned by your DD's behaviour.

Purpleartichoke · 06/08/2018 17:25

I know its not a popular opinion, but I don’t think any parent of a child still in diapers should be traveling solo. Every outing means the burden falls to the other parent. You can wait until the kids are older and easier to manage.

Bluelady · 06/08/2018 17:26

No, it isn't a popular opinion nor is it a realistic one.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 17:27

I don’t think being out of nappy’s makes it necessarily easier at all.

CountFosco · 06/08/2018 17:35

A weekend away with your adult siblings is NOT that same as a weekend away with your adult siblings and one wife and one child...

It wouldn't be one wife, it would siblings, spouses and one child. Stay in self catering, child goes to bed early, everyone else stays up late drinking and talking. Great fun. Personally I've never found the spouses change the dynamic when I get together with my siblings. What do you all talk about to your brothers that your DH or their DW can't join in with?

What's the betting that in a few years the siblings will be all about the extended family get together when they grow up a bit and realise it's selfish to expect your OH to do 12 days of childcare alone without a break. They can't dictate what the OPs DH does, (to use a MN phrase 'it's an invitation not a summons') the OP can because she's the one who has to pick up the shit (another one 'that doesn't work for me'). I think the OP shouldn't be using the DD as the reason for DH not going, she should say 'it's very selfish to expect me to facilitate this, either you don't go or you return the favour in spades'. Otherwise this one off will become a regular thing.

And of course she's lonely, she's living in a foreign country and doesn't work, she is dependent on her DH. I'd be going batshit crazy in that situation. He needs to acknowledge that.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 17:47

They can't dictate what the OPs DH does, (to use a MN phrase 'it's an invitation not a summons') the OP can because she's the one who has to pick up the shit

Don't be ludicrous. No she can't dictate to him. Not if she wants her marriage to survive. And he can't dictate to her Either. That's controlling and never acceptable. No one should be dictating to their spouse.

pallisers · 06/08/2018 17:50

so all you people who don't "seek permission" etc you just waltz in and TELL your husband he is minding the children for a full weekend or week or whatever and if he tries to stop you you'll divorce him. That must be interesting. If dh treated me like the live-in nanny at his beck and call, I'd certainly be thinking long and hard about my marriage.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 17:51

H and I tell each other that we are going away and check with each other that the date isn’t an issue. We certainly don’t ask each other if we can go.

Bluelady · 06/08/2018 17:57

We don't ask either, we check there are no diary clashes and inform.

pallisers · 06/08/2018 18:08

So you are working weekends for 2 out of the last 3 weeks and tell your dh that you are off with your friends on the 4th weekend so he will have another weekend on his own with the 2 year old.

He says "oh I was hoping we could spend some time with you that weekend - any chance you could go for just a night" or

"god, I'm sick of being on my own with the baby, do you really have to go?"

Do you then say "how dare you, you are not my father".

Before children, you can do what you want within reason. After children, every time you head off, you are dictating how the other person will spend their time. I simply can't imagine a relationship where this was done on a "I'm going, check your diary" basis rather than "how would it be if...." Am damn glad that dh has never done that.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 18:13

I work weekends, get two off in 6. H works monday to Friday.

I was in Poland a couple of weeks ago with my dad and eldest, I don’t think it would have been reasonabke for h to ask me to only have went for one night. And h came back from Spain yesterday after 4 days with his pals.

We have seperate interests and have no with the other going away. We share our lives together, a couple of weekends away isn’t much in the scheme of things.

I don’t need to ask his permission, he’s happy for me to do my own thing. I’m the same with him.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 18:26

so all you people who don't "seek permission" etc you just waltz in and TELL your husband he is minding the children for a full weekend or week or whatever and if he tries to stop you you'll divorce him

Don't be daft. It works like this

"Have you got anything planned on x weekend, I want to go away with my friends",

"No nothing in the diary. Where you off to?"

"Cool, I go on the Friday night, back Monday. Going to Iceland with rhe girls/boys".

There is no need for

Please can I go?
If you don't let me I shall divorce you.
I'm not the live in nanny
I'm not at your beck and call

I mean seriously. Who the fuck lives like that. And if you do, then you need to get out fast.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 18:28

blunteness Completely agree with your post. That's pretty much hoe our conversation goes.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 18:34

He says "oh I was hoping we could spend some time with you that weekend - any chance you could go for just a night" or"god, I'm sick of being on my own with the baby, do you really have to go?" Do you then say "how dare you, you are not my father"

The difference is I would never say this to my husband and nor him me. Go for a night or not go? Nope.

As long as it's occasional weekends it's no biggie. No one works weekends through choice and both of us were always more than happy to look after our daughter, both of us were allowed a social life on our own. Neither of us were "sick of" looking after our daughter". Simply we never took the piss and went away with our mates every weekend. Occasionally was more than fine.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 18:51

Sandy - What a great solution, I’ll just tell DH I’m away that weekend, and if he protests I’ll divorce him!

I give sufficient notice if I'm going away with friends or siblings. My DH wouldn't 'veto' it because he's not my boss...he's not controling and he's reasonable.

If he tried to veto it on such grounds as yours ...it's not a marriage I'd be happy to remain in. The only grounds he could come up with that I'd find acceptable are him not being available to look after the DC that weekend...in which case I'd arrange another weekend...but there's no way he could or would try to say I can't go at all. Then try and suggest what my siblings and I should do...I think that's a cheek tbh.

If my SIL tried to suggest an outing when the other siblings had decided or proposed a weekend away because she had put a 'veto' on my brother attending she wouldn't be doing herself any favours. I'd be far from impressed with her and question what business it is of hers where we go.

I'd never tell my DH his siblings should do something different than they'd planned....even if it was an inconvenience for me.

@Oblomov18

YABU. Majorly. And to "veto" anything sibling wise, occasional event is controlling.

100% I agree with you.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 19:22

How about you stop being a SAHM and get yourself a job so he can take a step back from this high demand job

Exactly. Get your DD in nursery do she can get used to other adults and stop crying for her dad several times a day.

so all you people who don't "seek permission" etc you just waltz in and TELL your husband he is minding the children for a full weekend or week or whatever and if he tries to stop you you'll divorce him

Be sensible FGS.
I tell DH we're [siblings/friends] planning to go to XX place for a weekend or X number of days.

DH checks his calendar...says ok. If he had a potential engagement that I don't know about.. I say can you confirm it by xx date because we need to book ours and that date is suitable for everyone else.

If that date isn't possible...we sort out another one.

If my time away falls into a weekday when DH is working (as was the case when the DC were younger) I tell him the daily childcare/beforeschool/afterschool arrangements for each child...so he knows where to drop and pick them from.... because that's something I was responsible for.

I dare say in spite of my written info on where to take the kids...he managed to drop one at the childminder one day...but went to pick her up from nursery in the evening... Only to be told he never brought her in that morning...but hey...they survived...I enjoyed my holiday.

My DC were 2 and 4 yo at the time.

What I would never tolerate from him is no you can't go.

It's enough that I was the one who generally had to check the date with him first...because childcare arrangements were always down to me to arrange.