Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
araiwa · 06/08/2018 14:16

So is he ever allowed a weekend to himself?

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 14:19

@Desperate ....yes I think given the circumstances the DD's toddler behaviour is probably quite normal. You're her lovely mummy but also the chorer, the drone that does, the provider and probably the bad cop! Of course he's like Father Christmas right now. Have no fear, as the years progress that will change and she won't be psychologically damaged.
Strikes me you're probably irked about the weekend away because the IL's don't have kids and aren't that interested in little kids. I think do get over that. Their his family, people he wants to spend a weekend with. You need to get out more and build your own SAHM life if that's what you've chosen as a couple. Presumably you both enjoy the earnings and have traded that off against other stuff. That's fair enough IMO.

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 14:24

How busy are you really? I realise everybody's life is different but when I had toddlers we were at jumping jacks, then a mates house, bit of nursery, lunch, park etc etc ......if she's really crying several times a day for DD that says there's a lot of stuck in the house navel gazing maybe???

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 14:30

Tinkobell, normally we are out and about quite a bit but have been more housebound recently with the heatwave, friends on holiday and the classes don’t run outside of term time.

Araiwa No, neither of us get weekends away but we cover each other for shorter times and that is roughly equal, just infrequent due to lack of childcare and his work commitments.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 14:34

YABU and controlling. The man works hard and deserves a break. Life doesn't stop because you become a parent you know.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2018 14:36

I wonder if putting your dd in nursery say one morning a week, would help both with her separation anxiety and giving you a break?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 14:42

Arethere - yes agree, she is starting a couple of sessions at a nursery in September.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 06/08/2018 14:44

Have only read the first page but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

If he had a normal job and you saw him all the time then it would be unreasonable to object to a weekend away. But if you hardly see him due to his work, I can understand why you're upset about him choosing to go away without you when he doesn't have to.

I'm not sure what the solution is if his siblings don't want to go away with their children and partners.

Will your husband's work schedule always be like this, or is it just a temporary thing?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/08/2018 14:46

I think it depends on how he is when he is at home. It sounds like he works hard at his job. Does he do his fair share of childcare and chores when he's at home? Does he usually want to spend annual leave as a family? Would he be OK with giving you the cash to go for your own weekend away and look after your child himself? If all of this is the case then I don't think it's unreasonable to spend the weekend away if it 's a one off. It will be boring for you, I think weekends in this situation are hard as there are no groups etc on but for one weekend I would suck it up and do something nice for me when he was back

mowglik · 06/08/2018 14:46

OP I’m with you, I can’t believe some posters are being so obtuse. Your DHs time with his family is precious, and his schedule means his dd misses out on seeing him. Why does it have to be a weekend away? Why can’t he have a night out with his siblings? Why doesn’t he plan a weekend away with his dd, surely she has more rights to his time than his siblings.

I’m very close to my siblings but at this stage in my life when my kids are small and my DH also works long hours we both prioritise family time, esp when it’s in such short supply. Doesn’t mean it’s always going to be like this.

And posters saying he doesn’t have to check with her whether to go or not - what kind of family lives do you lead?!

Re your 2 year old it sounds like she may be having attachment issues or going through a phase of wanting her dad all the time. It’s not abnormal. It might be more unusual if she saw her dad regularly and frequently but she plainly doesn’t. Surely at a time like this a weekend away with siblings is low priority.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 14:49

Did you miss the bit where she suggested coming along too, but the siblings didn't want that.

If I wanted a weekend with my siblings and one spouse suggested coming I wouldn't want it either.

It's siblings...not siblings and spouses. Why would you expect to be invited to a siblings weekend away.

There's no way I would veto this ...neither would DH if the tables were turned.

I don't understand this level of control the.

I'm a grown adult...I work and earn money...there's no where my DH could stop me from going. I let him know I'm going..
I'm not seeking permission from him. He's not my dad. Once I left home nobody could dictate what I did.

The day he tries to stop me...is the day our marriage would be over.

No wonder so many men don't want to get married.

Your DD won't die because he's away for the weekend with his siblings FGS.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 14:49

I have to be honest,I also find your daughters reactions deeply concerning, and I say that as someone whose husband was in the forces when our daughter was that age and he was away three months at a time. Crying several times a day for him isn't healthy for her, particularly when it's always been like this for her and she knows no different.

I think I'd make sure you're not inadvertently and subconsciously using your child as a way to make him stay, or your feelings aren't rubbing off on her making her behave like this.

Yes, he should be able to go, you shouldn't be the decider there, it's one weekend, and you should work to try to make your daughter understand that although dad is away he is always coming back and try to occupy her in other ways. Kids are normally very resilient at that age, hence why the behaviour is concerning.

Timeisslippingaway · 06/08/2018 14:50

Your dd doesntvhave separation anxiety because she asks for her dad who she rarely sees, she just missed her dad! Putting her into a nursery probably won't make a difference. My son's ask for their dad a lot whole he is away working but they get on with the rest of their days as normal as I'm sure your DD does.

rainbowstardrops · 06/08/2018 14:59

It sounds as if your DH has a very intense job OP and whilst it's admirable that he is working so hard to provide a decent standard of living for you all, he is missing out - and will miss out on so much of your DD's childhood. That's really sad.
Oh and I don't think yabu because I wouldn't be happy either. It's a bit shitty of his family not to invite you and DD too.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 15:11

Sandy - What a great solution, I’ll just tell DH I’m away that weekend, and if he protests I’ll divorce him! Compromise and consideration are totally overrated.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 15:16

It's a bit shitty of his family not to invite you and DD too

To a one off sibling weekend away? You can't be serious, you know that would change the dynamic totally with a wife and toddler there.

As adults we are all entitled to a bit of down time, it shouldn't be all work or parent/family. As long as the op can also go away with her family if she wanted then there should be no issue here, no one should be penalised because their job takes them away.

I'm sorry but I suspect the root cause here is the op is lonely and would prefer his support as she spends a lot of time home alone with her child. That's understandable but she needs to be honest about it and then ask if it's reasonable for her to ensure he can't go away with his siblings because of it and she needs to ensure she's not using her daughter as a way to guilt trip him.

As said, I've been there, it's easy to play the wide eyed innocent saying "it's not me, it's our child, I'm just worried for her" when the reality is you're just a bit lonely and don't relish the idea of the extended time alone.

nokidshere · 06/08/2018 15:22

nothing is wrong with it, it just shows why you cant comprehend why someones wife would actually want to spend time with them

I didn't say I couldn't comprehend that? Of course I can. I just don't think it means that either half of a couple shouldn't be able to have weekends away with other people if they want to. The other half would miss them obviously.

No one is saying that he shouldn't have weekends away with other people. But those weekends should not be at the expense of his family.

In 30 yrs me and dh have spent many weekends, sometimes weeks, apart doing enjoyable things with other people. But if he worked every hour he could, said that he couldn't spare the time to take a weekend off to spend as a family or couple, and then booked a trip away with friends/siblings he would be showing where his priorities lay and I would certainly not be happy.

Oblomov18 · 06/08/2018 15:27

YABU. Majorly. And to "veto" anything sibling wise, occasional event is controlling.

Why is the dc crying multiple times per day. Seriously odd. Many fathers work away. I wouldn't like it. But it's not that unusual.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 15:27

Bluntness I have been upfront about finding it lonely. Of course from a purely selfish perspective I’d rather he stay home with us because I miss him but to be honest I spend at least half if not more of every weekend without him anyway due to his work. I’m a grown up, I can handle a weekend away from him and would never have said no to the weekend before DD, or before he started doing such long hours. It is now purely an issue of taking time away to be with DD.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 06/08/2018 15:28

How old is DD?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 15:28

Sorry I mean taking time away from being with DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 15:28

She’s just 2.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 06/08/2018 15:31

Sorry. Just seen that she's 2. It still doesn't change my original post. Working away fathers is hard, we appreciate that.

But. It occurs a lot. Or it does if you Choose to make those life choices.

But what OP is discussing here is a bit different I think.

Oblomov18 · 06/08/2018 15:33

Could you give more details? What is this job. Where? How often does he come back. How often is he physically seeing DD?
And is there no room for movement/negotiations in any of this?

SossidgeRoll · 06/08/2018 15:34

But you're not compromising - that's really what the posters are telling you (I get you were being sarcastic) but in all honesty it reads as though:

You're bored shitless at home.
Your husband is away interacting with adults all week and now wants to do it at weekends too.
Your kid misses your husband - but that you are overstating it to avoid sounding unreasonable.

So - you actually can't stop another adult doing what they want. You can only change your bit - if you're not happy at home, if the balance isn't right for your family: have that conversation.