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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in tears after this telephone conversation?

30 replies

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 15:46

My dp just called me on the phone.

My birthday was 2 days ago (pre pay day). He said he would treat me once he'd been paid but managed to scrape some dosh together so that the DC could give me a little something.

He has finished work early

Him - I'm leaving work to go and get some presents for a certain someone

Me - Oh, really, who?

Him - Actually I'm not sure whether or not you deserve a present after all the meals I've treated you to. (

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 01/06/2007 15:48

I really don't understand your post....he is now refusing to buy you a pressie and nor will he refund you paying for your birthdsy meal???

Who was he referring to when he said he was going to get presents?

sunflowervalley · 01/06/2007 15:56

Is it possible he is arranging something as a surprise and wants you to be thrown of the scent?

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:00

I don't understand him.

Yes, he suggested he would buy me a belated birthday present and then he immediately took it back

Then he said that he'd treated me to lots of meals by reimbursing my birthday meal.

Why bother phoning me at all?

OP posts:

Rubyslippers · 01/06/2007 16:03

is this the first time he has done something like this?

Is this his attempt at a "joke" to make you think he hasn't got you anything or is he serious?

I am not trying to excuse him if he has upset you to the point of tears but if this is out of the blue mean behaviour then i would imagine it is a "joke" albeit one you don;t find funny

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:07

I don't think it is a joke. His voice was deadly serious and I actually said "are you joking?"

I couldn't give a flying whatsaname what a birthday costs but it would be nice to celebrate it with my DP without him adding up the £s and telling me if I don't deserve something.

I felt like saying "ok, Dad"

OP posts:

Rubyslippers · 01/06/2007 16:08

it is crap - i am sorry
is he usually mean with money or making comments like this?

bookwormmum · 01/06/2007 16:15

It's little consolation to you now but I'd suggest letting his birthday go by without a 'hullaboo' next time.

My DP doesn't "do" surprises as he prefers to give me money to treat myself or buy my own gifts but he's starting to realise that's not the way I like things done (I like having things to unwrap that someone else has taken the time to choose) - maybe you need to talk to him to let him know that you feel undervalued/unloved by this?

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:17

Well, I would call him tight. We have different incomes and I am happy to take him for lunch/dinner if I can afford it and we have a night out.

Quite often he will make a cutting remark but later will tell me that it is 'the way I take it' not the way it is delivered that is the problem.

I normally end up agreeing, for the sake of peace

OP posts:

Rubyslippers · 01/06/2007 16:19

bookwormmum is right - stop treating him all the time. I bet he will soon comment

i think letting comments pass off is ok short term but stuff he is doing is upsetting you ... perhaps he feels less "manly" as you earn more and he feels a need to make these remarks - i don't approve or agree with that but many men define themselves by their income/status

bookwormmum · 01/06/2007 16:20

Mmm, sounds like a cop-out that argument.

If you're upset, you're upset - it's what he said, not how he said it.

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:20

Absolutely Bookwormmum. I go overboard picking things for him and others for their birthdays, even second hand things, its not the money, its the surprise, the thought, the personal touch.

Had he not expressed the same sentiment on his birthday, I would have just put it down to another man trait iykwim.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 01/06/2007 16:26

Not wishing to be voice of doom but this sounds like really bad news for your relationship mcs... I think most couples have money wrangles but this smacks of a general tightfistedness and lack of consideration for you. I hope to goodness he is playing a crap joke and comes round with lovely pressies etc but if not it might be time for a serious talk. You are not over-reacting so don't be fobbed off with that old chesnut.

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:36

Well, I am going to treat him less, see what he thinks of that, enough to comment?

God knows what tonight will bring but I can't be arsed with any arguing and penny pinching just isn't my thing.

I certainly don't want to go for another meal which he is reluctant to pay for, why go at all. Unless I suggest he doesn't eat to save on the cost? joke Actually, I feel like saying that to him!

OP posts:

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:37

Sorry to keep wittering on.

The whole point is don't offer something and take it away. Why offer at all? Do you think that sums it up?

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bookwormmum · 01/06/2007 16:39

It's power. I'm guessing he knows the reaction you'll give when he says stuff like that and that's why he does it.

If you can, go out with a friend tonight - let him babsit your LO and enjoy an adult meal even if you have to pay for it yourself. Youj'll probably have more fun.

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:45

Thanks for all the advice, that's a good one bookwormmum, I may just do that!

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harpsichordcarrier · 01/06/2007 16:46

he sounds like he;s being a total arse tbh.
do you share a house? it sounds like he has real issues with money and yes it would upset me. I would expect the person with whom I share my life wouldn't get into MY money, YOUR money

Original poster

maycontainstress · 01/06/2007 16:48

No, we don't live together yet, God only knows what will happen re money then. I see everything is 'ours'. I thought that was how it worked in a couple, no?

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 01/06/2007 16:50

mcs, if you want my advice (and even if you don't ) I would think really really carefully before moving in with him, unless you have sorted out these money issues.

doggiesayswoof · 01/06/2007 16:56

This would set alarm bells ringing for me. Apart from the lack of consideration he's showing, you obv have quite different views on money, and it's such a common thing to have ishoos about in a relationship, even if you are starting on the same page.

I used to assume that all money was shared between couples b/c that's always what I've done, but have gradually realised that not everyone thinks this way. I'd be wary of moving in with him too; you may find yourself in a 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine too' situation - he already seems more than happy to take from you.

doggiesayswoof · 01/06/2007 16:58

I mean it's your birthday we're talking about here fgs! Who's counting? I would actually be infuriated about this.

AnneJones · 01/06/2007 16:58

No helpful comments, just sympathy with your sit. The "deserve" comment would elicit a kick in the goolies from me, frankly.

He doesn't "deserve" you right now.

CrispyNoodles · 01/06/2007 17:01

If you move in with him just be prepared for more comments re what he thinks you do and don't deserve.

lulumama · 01/06/2007 17:05

i would have reservations about moving in with a man who felt it appropriate to calibrate to the last pound, to the last meal and to the last gift, what he believed i deserved

it is an issue that can only get worse, especially if you are much more generous

AnneJones is right..he does not deserve you

nightowl · 01/06/2007 17:36

you dont "deserve" presents because of all the meals he's treated you to? he cant be serious surely?

are gifts not given out of love? what, does a person have to earn points all year for their "reward"?

that's like something people would say to a child "you dont deserve a present because..."

tell him to shove it and go out with your friends.

are you sure he hasnt arranged some sort of surprise? i just cant imagine anyone being so mean.

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