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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Blues

130 replies

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 12:52

So your sister-in-law of 11 years ( never a cross word)is getting married and your husband is a usher and your daughter asked to be a flower girl so do you choose to come to your family’s important day or go to a friend’s wedding instead and stop your daughter being a bridesmaid?

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 04/08/2018 16:46

"It never occurred to me to clear the date with family... and it never occurred to me that my SiL would put a friend no matter how close before me."

If there are key people whose absence would upset your plans, it makes sense to check that those people are free before setting your plans in stone.
For those not in that category, perhaps those whose absence might be disappointing but wouldn't actually upset your plans, of course there would be no need to check they were free before committing to your chosen date.

This is not your Sil or DB's fault and clearly the friend, whose wedding they had already committed to attend, is very close indeed. She is the god-mother to their children.

This one is down to you, OP. Fair enough that you want your parents with you on the morning of your wedding, but I think you will have to leave it to your Sil and DB to decide whether their children can attend and, if so, who will be responsible for them.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/08/2018 16:47

If this is such an issue can you change your date? Did you not talk to them about dates before formal invites?
It sounds very much like you are worried you won't have quite as much attention, more than actually wanting her there.

peachgreen · 04/08/2018 16:49

Perfectly reasonable for your SIL to prioritise the wedding of her children's godmother, especially when she RSVPed to her first. YABVU.

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 16:52

OP hasn't sent out formal invites yet. Her mum has told a few people about the date I think.

Have you paid deposits etc OP?

SilverHairedCat · 04/08/2018 16:54

So wait, you haven't even sent out the bloody invites yet?

Fuck me.

Beeziekn33ze · 04/08/2018 16:55

So where will the niece be when her mother (SiL) is at her friend's childfree wedding? With a baby sitter? 5 is plenty old enough to realise you're missing out on a party!

N2986 · 04/08/2018 16:56

I'm confused. If DN can't be a flower girl at your wedding and can't go to the other, where is she going to be?

I'd pick my best friend's wedding over my sil in a heartbeat, and I'm confident that my DH wouldn't want to take DD by himself (she's a mummy's girl and would want to come with me)

pictish · 04/08/2018 16:59

Look...the other wedding is a close friend of your sil’s and came first. Your sil will be closer to her friend than she is to you so it makes sense she would stick with that wedding. Your brother has done the honourable thing of pulling out the original wedding to attend yours instead. He is trying to keep everyone happy by going to the first wedding at night. I genuinely think he has done the best he could, given the circumstances.
Unfortunately your wedding invite came second. It’s a shame but just one of those things.

Awrite · 04/08/2018 17:05

Yes, you are definitely coming across as unreasonable and Bridezilla. Is this a double reverse? Do you not realise how you are coming across.

Sounds like you merely want sil there to free up the important people.

Your brother doesn't need to be an usher. He can then look after your niece.

It's only right for sil to attend her friend's wedding if she has already confirmed that she would.

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 17:05

OP at 15:18

We didn’t have a big announcement about the date but my mother told my brother and this was followed shortly after by a text from him about the clash. I doubt niece even knows I want her as a flower girl.

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 17:08

Are you getting married at different times? Is there no way that SIL could attend both ceremonies but split the receptions?

Difficult position - I would chose family as a priority but try to do my best to attend at least part of both, it does sound like it's a very close friend.

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 17:09

SIL could attend wedding and meal of friend and then go to your reception?

Your brother could look after the kids and be at yours all day.

Popc0rn · 04/08/2018 17:12

Only a few of my close friends have got married so far, but they've all text me informing of the date pretty much as soon as they booked the venue. Seems odd to me that your brother and sister in law found out through your parents tbh.

EWAB · 04/08/2018 17:14

Well my partner’s brother invited us to a party but I was going on holiday so BiLkept asking partner if he was definitely coming to party. Partner went to party . Turned out it was his brother’s wedding. I was absolutely gutted and wouldn’t have gone on holiday if I had known. A family wedding is a landmark in a family that resonates beyond the couple and is a reference point for years. My brother didn’t even invite siblings’ spouses. I would be gutted OP about their decisions. It wasn’t as if you did this deliberately.

Weepingangels · 04/08/2018 17:15

So your niece will be where? Not allowed without her mum at your wedding but not allowed at the other wedding either? Thats ridiculous.

I think you need to let your brother just be A guest so he is without other responsibility and can see to his kids instead.

Did she say yes to your wedding first?

DaphneCrane · 04/08/2018 17:25

Your sibling’s wedding is beyond important and you should respect your partner and children being involved at that wedding. My brother got married recently ( I posted about the trauma) and four friends in the last couple of years. At every one the in-law took a back seat and made sure their children could take part and their spouse could enjoy their sibling’s wedding. The idea of my brother missing my first dance and my niece ( imaginary in my case) not dancing with her daddy so he could fuck off to a friend’s evening do would break my heart.

daisypond · 04/08/2018 17:31

I don't see why a sibling's wedding is beyond important. I don't see why it matters really who can and cannot attend a wedding, as long as the bride and groom are there. That's all that matters really. Everything else is just a "nice to have".

AveABanana · 04/08/2018 17:36

So you've had a cry and your mum's had a rant - now chin up and see what you can salvage.

Can you move your wedding? Probably not
So you need to sit down face to face with your brother and SIL. Apologise for putting them in an awkward position and ask them to have a think about what you can do to make the day work. So could your Dbro not be an usher, which frees him up to look after both his DC? Is your mother/whoever ok with taking over so that he can show his face at the godmother's wedding? Would he come back with SIL so she can show her face at the end of your evening do - or at least be there for breakfast the next day to see Aunt Betty etc. Don't do it via your mother and be as open to change as you can. This friend asked them first and is the GM to their children - it's not automatic you get first dibs because you are fammerlee.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/08/2018 17:37

I agree with daisypond, on the day you won’t care who is there except your husband to be. If your SIL was coerced into coming she would be resentful which would make for an unpleasant atmosphere.

Could you have your brother do a reading instead so he is still part of the wedding?

FinallyHere · 04/08/2018 17:41

I am upset that my sister-in-law not coming to my wedding.

with the emphasis on the 'my' i shouldn't wonder

"It never occurred to me to clear the date with family... and it never occurred to me that my SiL would put a friend no matter how close before me."

One good thing that could come from this mess, would be to spot the connection between those two statements.

@EWAB I would be gutted OP about their decisions. It wasn’t as if you did this deliberately.

Wait, the bride sort of did do this deliberately, by announcing the date of her wedding with out checking out whether everyone key to the day was free to attend.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/08/2018 17:46

Did you really not chat to family about the date? If you are so close to your brother did it never even come up in conversation?

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/08/2018 17:50

Let me get this straight OP. Your SIL and DB had already been invited to the wedding of not just the best friend but actual godparent to their DC. You, on the other hand had not bothered to even ask if they could make your wedding date and completely arrogantly, expect those that you deem close family to be there no matter what, without ever considering their prior commitments. And yet, you haven’t even been bothered to properly invite them yourself, nor really made firm plans for your DN to be a flower girl. To top it all, you post a misleading and totally emotionally manipulative OP, attempting to skewer the sympathy and omitted to give the full facts. Wow, you are self-centred and lack basic awareness for others. Either graciously accept your brother and his DS coming, despite splitting up their family day, or iin fact, if you really want them all to come, change it to another date.

MissContrary · 04/08/2018 17:57

So will your bother be at yours or the hotel? You've said both. I would assume he will stick with the groom at the hotel? Why can't niece just stay with him? Your mum can give you all the attention you need Confused

KittyHawke80 · 04/08/2018 17:57

The invitation received first, prevails: all this ‘family first’ bollocks, like something out of ‘Fast & Furious’. She told you immediately that she has accepted an invitation elsewhere, and it would be bad form to turn it down (although the other bride also sounds faintly ridiculous for not wanting ‘staggered arrivals’ so maybe there’s something in the water). She is absolutely not being U for declining. I can’t follow the whole bit about who is or isn’t making themselves available to you/the child at what point, but I think your brother should probably come to yours.

OlennasWimple · 04/08/2018 18:09

I have been in a similar position and chose to go to my best friend's wedding but DH and the DC chose the family wedding.

Why does SIL not being there mean you can't do the whole getting ready at home and going downstairs to your dad thing? Confused

And why can't your brother look after his own daughter?