Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Blues

130 replies

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 12:52

So your sister-in-law of 11 years ( never a cross word)is getting married and your husband is a usher and your daughter asked to be a flower girl so do you choose to come to your family’s important day or go to a friend’s wedding instead and stop your daughter being a bridesmaid?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 13:34

OP, I'd be upset if I were you as well. Your brother should be able to cope perfectly well with both children, though I really think she ought to come to your wedding as well. She is being pretty selfish.

MikeUniformMike · 04/08/2018 13:34

This is my take on it:
You are marrying my brother and want my daughter as a bridesmaid.
Unfortunately, my best friend is getting married the same day as you, and needs me to be at her wedding. I can't cope with getting my daughter ready and doing friend's wedding stuff the same day.

Right. Could your soon to be MIL look after her flower girl grandchild?
I think that 'I/SIL' am BU here.
SIL won't be in any photos.

I think you should just suck it up but your soon-to-be niece should be your flower girl.

bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 13:36

I think your SIL is doing the right thing and is clearly trying to keep everyone happy

How is she trying to keep everyone happy? She's clearly not trying to keep OP happy! Not only by choosing to go to the friend's wedding herself, but also by making the decision that her daughter can't possibly go to a wedding without her there. That's ridiculous.

Smellbellina · 04/08/2018 13:38

I wouldn’t be bothered about the SIL but I do think it’s a bit off to prevent your niece from attending, she’s 5 so presumably manages to be apart from her mum at school etc?

Original poster
LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 13:39

I am the bride. Sorry I genuinely didn’t want to confuse anyone. I am so upset and not thinking straight. I am getting married. My brother’s wife is choosing to go to her friend’s wedding.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 04/08/2018 13:42

I think your SIL is unreasonable here. I’d want to see my daughter as a bridesmaid...

onanothertrain · 04/08/2018 13:42

I would not miss my best friends wedding for my SILs wedding. She is not stopping her husband from going, nor her son but she feels that her daughter might not settle without her and will be a strain for others to look after especially as husband does ushering duties.
I'm pretty sure that if the SIL was posting the answers would be about how unreasonable the bride was being.

MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2018 13:44

It’s a shame for sure. Is there anyone willing to take care of your niece for the day? Is the friend her oldest and closest? Tricky but I guess you will have to accept and move on. I promise you won’t really notice on the day unless you choose to.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 04/08/2018 13:46

Unless the 5 year old has very high additional needs I don’t understand why her dad would be incapable of looking after her.

If my middle dd knew they were going to be a bridesmaid they would be absolutely gutted if I turned round and said I had changed my mind so I could go to something else.

stillamum22 · 04/08/2018 13:47

Sorry - I feel your SIL is being very unfair and manipulative.
Try and have a direct calm conversation with her. If possible invite brother and SIL to a brunch or informal meal. Explain how much it means to have her and niece at wedding. This will force her to explain herself. Be nice be pleasant. Don't give her permission to go to the other wedding but make it clear it's her choice. Then never, never allow her to put you in this position again. Just look after your brother, he may never go against his wife but sounds like he needs your support.

Rebecca36 · 04/08/2018 13:48

Go to your sister in law

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/08/2018 13:48

If it’s her best friend YABU but I think your niece should be allowed to be a flower girl.

stillamum22 · 04/08/2018 13:51

Oh and at the brunch (whatever) perhaps you can suggest that MIL family can look after your niece? Sounds like a close family given your poor MIL is forced to be go between. She must be right hacked off with all of this!

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2018 13:55

Is it her 'best' friend?

SilverHairedCat · 04/08/2018 13:56

Is the friend a close friend? Is it her best friend? When did she get invited to this other wedding?

It's very poor show to pull out from yours, particularly to pull a bridesmaid out with her, when already committed to coming.

sprinklesandsauce · 04/08/2018 13:58

She should let DD be bridesmaid, she has plenty of time to prepare her and if her father will be there, she should be fine. I presume that SIL just doesn't want to miss out on seeing DD perform the role, but that is her choice isn't it, go to yours and watch DD, or go to the other wedding and don't.

I think SIL is BU . She can choose to go to the other wedding, but she should not stop DD from attending yours.

Original poster
LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 13:58

I don’t want to be bridezilla but I want my mum with me on The morning of my wedding. Giving me attention. I was looking forward to going back home the night before, and doing the thing of walking down stairs to my dad. I am angry and upset. If you are in a department store in the north west of England I am the blubbery mess drinking tea in the corner.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 04/08/2018 13:59

I think she is being VU. Sounds like she committed to you first, OP. Then friend came up with her date. If it's her very best friend of 25 years, ok fine, but the fact she is so easily pulling her daughter out of things just smacks of a lack of respect for the specialness of your day too.

I also think it's quite selfish that she doesn't want her dd to be a flower girl. These opportunities come along once in a blue moon and are amazing memories for kids with all the accompanying pics/ fuss. My dd did it when she was 4 and she is nearly 10 now, no weddings for her since.

SheSellSeaShells · 04/08/2018 14:02

I don't think its unreasonable for her to go to her friends wedding if they are very close friends. Sorry but I would pick my close friend over my sil, but not a friend I rarely see / acquaintance or work colleague. Has her daughter been asked to be bridesmaid at the friends wedding as well do you think?

summertimehere · 04/08/2018 14:03

Let her do as she pleases.She has shown her true colours, I wouldn’t give her the drama she wants... & I wouldn’t forget 😀

ZoeWashburne · 04/08/2018 14:04

Well, this is your brother making this decision too- you need to stop villifying your SIL. Why can your brother not dress his daughter and mind her throughout the day? Make him a bridesman instead of an Usher. He can hang around with you whilst you get ready with his daughter, walk her down the aisle and sit with her.

Before I saw this was a reverse (eyeroll to your ridulous and immature behaviour there), I was going to suggest splitting up where H goes to SIL wedding and poster goes to BFF's wedding.

Weddings really have a way to make you lose perspective. I think you are being a little ridiculous to worry this much about a flower girl. Your brother will be there. You will still be just as married. And I doubt you will even notice her absence.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/08/2018 14:07

Why won't your mum be with you? I'm a bit bewildered as to why you SiL is 'manipulative' or your brother might 'need support' as well.

NerrSnerr · 04/08/2018 14:08

Why can't your brother look after his daughter? It surely won't be the end of the world if she's with the ushers before the ceremony will it?

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/08/2018 14:08

Did she RSVP to the friend first ? And is she a guest at that wedding or one of the bridal party ?

MrsGB2225 · 04/08/2018 14:09

How close is she to the friend? Did the friend announce the date first?
It really wouldn’t bother me if my SIL didn’t attend my wedding (and we get on really well/known each other for over 10 years).
As long as my husband and immediate family were there. Surely that’s the main thing?!

Swipe left for the next trending thread