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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Blues

130 replies

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 12:52

So your sister-in-law of 11 years ( never a cross word)is getting married and your husband is a usher and your daughter asked to be a flower girl so do you choose to come to your family’s important day or go to a friend’s wedding instead and stop your daughter being a bridesmaid?

OP posts:

SilverHairedCat · 04/08/2018 14:09

Yep, your brother can surely look after his own children? Why on earth should your mother have to do that for him? He is a parent.

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/08/2018 14:09

If it is your SIL's best friend then I totally understand her wanting to go to her wedding. It might be your big day but there is another bride who feels the same. Best friend trumps SIL.

As an aside, really loathe reverse posts.

daisypond · 04/08/2018 14:10

Has she accepted either invitation, or is she just deciding which one to accept? I don't think it's unreasonable for her to attend her friend's wedding, tbh. It doesn't sound like it's meant as a slight to you, and I don't think you should see it like that. She has to make a choice and no doubt it would be upsetting to the friend if she didn't go to her wedding either. Your brother should be able to look after your niece and she can still be a flower girl at your wedding.

TatianaLarina · 04/08/2018 14:10

I don’t see what your mother and father have to do with your SIL? You can still do that no?

I think SIL has had to make a difficult choice, it might not be the choice that I would make, but it would be much less stressful to accept her choice than get worked up about it.

TatianaLarina · 04/08/2018 14:11

Yes I don’t see why your brother isn’t looking after his kids.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/08/2018 14:11

I don't get why she doesn't go to her friends wedding and the flower girl go with her dad to the family wedding. She is 5, not a baby and will have other family members to help do her hair and get into her dress if needed.

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 14:11

I’m sorry you are so upset, but didn’t you check the date with your brother and other close relatives before you booked the wedding?

Frankly I’d be asking your brother why he can’t manage to dress his own daughter and look after her but that’s a feminist perspective perhaps?

If it’s SIL very close friend is also a bride then maybe she is close to your niece too?

I really think it’s probably your brother you need to be cross with for not telling you SIL was already busy that day.

The gracious thing to do would be to enjoy your day and your time with your mum and have a grown up bridesmaid instead if it’s too late to change the date.

Maybe you could take your niece for a special afternoon tea after your honeymoon and show her the pictures and spend some special time with her?

To be honest, much as I love my nieces and I see why you are upset, 5 year old bridesmaids are difficult.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 04/08/2018 14:12

I think wedding should take priority - unless it's a v close friend and she already accepted their invitation before yours

DD should be your bridesmaid. If she really needs one to one attention all day (which I doubt) then your brother could come as a guest instead of being an usher

MerryMarigold · 04/08/2018 14:16

I think wedding should take priority - unless it's a v close friend and she already accepted their invitation before yours

How could she have accepted friend's invitation first? In that case, there would never have been a debate over her dropping out, and taking her dd as bridesmaid out as well. It would have been a straightforward clash from the start.

Fatted · 04/08/2018 14:17

Having been through the wedding circus, as long as DB was there frankly I wouldn't give a shit about the rest of the family.

It all depends on a lot of things. How long is it until both weddings? Has the dress been bought for your niece yet or not? How close is the friend to SIL? How close are you really with SIL?

I'm guessing DN has been asked to be flower girl/bridesmaid at the friend's wedding as well. Have you asked this?!

BrokenWing · 04/08/2018 14:17

How long does it take to get a 5 year old ready for a wedding. Quick bath, bung the dress on, stick hair in pony tail/plait or whatever (or worst scenario book an early appointment at a hairdressers and dad can take her). Her dad should be able to do that. They are naturally beautiful and cute at that age and don't need ages to get ready!

Her dad and extended family can take turns watching her at the wedding.

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 14:19

I find it astonishing that so many people think dad needs help to look after his own child for 1 day

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2018 14:24

I’m struggling a bit here...

I can understand being disappointed but why are you a crying mess? Your BROTHER is going which should surely be the key thing here? Are you and she especially close?

I honestly think you’re over reacting in the absence of more information.

The thing that can be hard to accept is that your wedding is not as important to anyone else as it is to you and your partner. It just isn’t. Frankly weddings can be hassle and stress for guests with not much reward. That’s just the truth. I have to confess that if someone asked my son (5) to be an attendant at a wedding I’d be really worried and would’ve be able to relax until the ceremony was over.

Popc0rn · 04/08/2018 14:24

"I don’t want to be bridezilla but I want my mum with me on The morning of my wedding. Giving me attention. I was looking forward to going back home the night before, and doing the thing of walking down stairs to my dad."

Please could you explain why this won't be possible if your sister in law chooses to go to a different wedding?

Is it because your brother is not capable of looking after his daughter for one morning, and needs help from your mum?

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2018 14:24

A) did sil get her friends wedding invite first, op? If so YABU
B) is sil friend her best friend?
C) why cant the flowergirl be with you in the morning and travel with you to the venue?

AtreidesFreeWoman · 04/08/2018 14:26

I'm not convinced it's U for your SIL not to attend (assuming it's a very close friends wedding - it's another matter if it's just an acquaintance).

I do however think it's selfish not allowing her DD to be a bridesmaid when her father will be at the wedding.

If she's uncomfortable spending the day without her daughter then I'd suggest it's the OP's wedding she should attend.

What to do? Well OP I'm not sure there is much you can do other than speak to your brother and express your sadness that his DD won't be there. Then tbh I think you just have to park the issue, dwelling further on it isn't going to help.

I understand you're upset but it's not the end of the world - it's really not. You'll still have a lovely day.

tamsinconditions · 04/08/2018 14:37

It's your own marriage - why does the presence or not of your SIL make any difference? Have you made this into a drama because of your overall anxiety about the wedding?

If you had wanted SIL to be there you should have asked her availability before you settled on a date, and then as a rational person accepted her decision and not hinged the success of your day by her decision.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/08/2018 14:58

What does the daughter think? It may be that she wants to be with her mother.

SevernWye · 04/08/2018 15:06

If your brother and sister in law accepted your wedding invitation and agreed for your niece to be a bridesmaid and then she pulled out when she had the other invitation I think she is being unreasonable.

You’d just say, I can’t make that date my partner’s sister is getting married.

You haven’t said if this is a really close friend of hers. If she feels she has to go then I cant see why your nice can’t still be a bridesmaid for you.

Original poster

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 15:18

Thank you. Again I am sorry for the ‘reverse’ I didn’t do it deliberately.
My brother is a GP and more than capable of looking after his own children and is a very ‘hands on’ father but the plan was for the ushers to be at the hotel the night before. If this is still the case and my niece was flower girl my mother would have to look after her on the morning of my wedding.
It never occurred to me to clear the date with family... and it never occurred to me that my SiL would put a friend no matter how close before me.
I had no idea this friend was even engaged. The friend is the Godmother of both my nephew and niece but neither of them are invited to the wedding.
We didn’t have a big announcement about the date but my mother told my brother and this was followed shortly after by a text from him about the clash. I doubt niece even knows I want her as a flower girl.
Brother has admitted that he is upset but understands his wife’s decision.
My mother is upset and my dad is a bit outraged. Something I wished I didn’t know about was brother is leaving my wedding after the meal and is joining his wife. This caused a spat between my SiL and her friend as she wanted a seamless day and didn’t want different tiers of guests or people coming and going and disturbing anyone . She will not allow her in-law’s in-law stand outside with her own nieces so they can be in photos. My SiL has persuaded her friend to allow my brother to come later in the circumstances but friend thinks evening guests are classless. I am having evening guests and wished my mother hadn’t repeated this to me.
My partner is at a stag weekend and when he returns I will explore idea of brother being just a guest and looking after niece and not drinking.
Again sorry for reverse.

OP posts:

CrockedPot · 04/08/2018 15:23

Oh..so you want SIL to be there so she can look after her daughter, freeing your mum up to look after you?

Original poster

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 15:24

Yes it’s my bloody wedding.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 04/08/2018 15:29

So your brother, SIL and mother are all kicking off? Pack them all off to the other wedding and enjoy a stress free day.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/08/2018 15:33

I agree that your brother should look after his dd and enable her to be a bridesmaid - that's more important than him being an usher. I don't understand why a grown arse man is deemed incapable of looking after his own children without help.
I also think that unless sil is going to a very close friend's wedding, it should be family first.
But in the end, it's their child and their choice. If sil wants her dd to be with her, that's her prerogative. You will still enjoy your day.

WhereIsThisGoing · 04/08/2018 15:33

I'm sorry, but I can understand your SIL is going to the wedding she agreed to attend before you anounced your day, especially ad it is also one of her very close friends. That is not unreasonable.

Obviously too late now, but I thought it was pretty standard to check a wedding date with close family to make sure everyone can make it (if we hadn't, my own sister would for a very good reason not have been able to come, so we chose a different date).

The matter of your niece is more complicated I agree.

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