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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Blues

130 replies

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 12:52

So your sister-in-law of 11 years ( never a cross word)is getting married and your husband is a usher and your daughter asked to be a flower girl so do you choose to come to your family’s important day or go to a friend’s wedding instead and stop your daughter being a bridesmaid?

OP posts:

SevernWye · 04/08/2018 15:35

So is your sister in law planning to take her daughter to the friend’s wedding when she hasn’t been invited.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/08/2018 15:37

Cross posted with you. Sounds like other bride is a bit of a handful and your sil has been caught up in trying to please everyone and consequently just pissing everyone off!
Yes, def get your brother to just he a guest, then he can have the kids, you will hsve neice present and sil can go to her bridezilla friend's wedding.

beyondthesky · 04/08/2018 15:40

Never mind the DSIL I'm not sure I'd forgive my DB for bailing out on my wedding halfway through either. Think I'd be saying not to bother at all.

Seems selfish to deprive niece of opportunity to be bridesmaid.

You mentioned that Niece and nephew are not invited to other wedding so in that case how can niece go with SIL anyway

cadburyegg · 04/08/2018 15:41

So your SIL accepted the wedding invite from her good friend before you announced the date? Then she is not being unreasonable. Your brother then advised of the clash straight away. I don’t see how SIL’s friend is being a bridezilla.

If you are insistent on everyone attending your wedding you should have cleared the date with them first.

Your brother should take care of his daughter and get her ready to be a bridesmaid instead of being an usher. He should not join his wife at the other wedding though.

Sorry OP wedding planning is stressful but yours is not the only big day that day.

Original poster

LoretoGirl · 04/08/2018 15:44

No niece is not invited to other wedding and if SiL has her way won’t come to mine as it will be too much hassle for her. No objection to nephew though. As I have said brother totally capable of looking after his children. No one kicking off as such but parents very annoyed and I am upset that my sister-in-law not coming to my wedding.

OP posts:

sola82 · 04/08/2018 15:50

YABU. SIL had already accepted an invitation to her friends wedding. Presumably so had your brother who is now not able to attend friends wedding.
You sobbing about this is a huge over reaction, you don't seem particularly close to your SIL. Like PPs have said, you should have checked for clashes before booking a date. I would choose my best friends wedding over my SILs.

cadburyegg · 04/08/2018 15:51

I feel a bit sorry for this woman tbh. She has accepted a wedding invite from a good friend as she had no other commitments. Now she has been told she should attend her SIL’s wedding, not because she has a special part in it but so she can facilitate her daughter being a bridesmaid and husband being an usher. If her/their presence was so important you should have cleared the date with them before booking it.

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 15:52

I am upset that my sister-in-law not coming to my wedding.

But she had already accepted an invitation to another wedding

Why are you so upset about this? Bridezilla

beepbeeprichie · 04/08/2018 15:54

How sad. Your DB’s behaviour is shocking. Planning on getting the free feed at yours and then buggering off to the other one for the party? I do think the ceremony is the most important thing but I would be hurt and furious OP. Tell your SIL to take both children. She can choose not to be at your day but she doesn’t get to dictate who looks after her children. Tell your DM that she can’t look after her grandchildren on the morning of your wedding as you need her. And btw I had something similar happen at our wedding and the thoughtless and unkind behaviour was hard to forgive and hasn’t been forgotten. If this is how your DB and SIL want to behave then that’s fine, but remember what your DB’s preference was when he’s looking for a favour/ babysitting etc.

TidyDancer · 04/08/2018 15:56

Having read the whole thread I do think YABU. Your SIL wants to go to her close friends wedding, and not only that but she accepted the invitation before yours even went out so job done there.

Presuming she has no objection to either your DM or DB caring for the child on your wedding day, I don't see what your SIL has done wrong.

You are veering perilously close to bridezilla territory.

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 15:57

Hold on - you haven't even sent out the invitations yet have you?

And you don't understand why SIL would attend a wedding she has already been invited to, when that bride is someone close enough that she is Godmother to SILS DC.......?

You need to get over yourself.

Frogscotch7 · 04/08/2018 16:05

Both brides sound really controlling. Unclench a bit and try to enjoy your day.

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2018 16:05

YABU

Popc0rn · 04/08/2018 16:10

"It never occurred to me to clear the date with family... and it never occurred to me that my SiL would put a friend no matter how close before me."

Really? Sorry but I think YABU. She's obviously already RVSP'd to her friend (who I'm guessing she's very close to if she's Godmother to her kids). You're coming across a bit bridezilla tbh, I think the fact you've referred to it as "my wedding" instead of "our wedding" is very telling.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/08/2018 16:10

Nothing wrong with SIL going to the wedding she committed to first but surely a sensible compromise could be found for her daughter as presumably she will need a babysitter anyway.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/08/2018 16:22

So, your future SIL accepted a wedding invite to a friend so close that she is the godmother to her children. Some time after this, without having discussed dates with family, you announced the date of your wedding. They immediately informed you of the clash. They raised no objection to their DH going to your wedding instead. They do want someone to be available to look after their young DD, if said DD goes to yours as a flowergirl.

It really sounds like the SIL is trying very hard to be reasonable.

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 16:25

Well if the ushers are at the hotel the night before your brother can get a family room and look after his children at the hotel. Hopefully this won’t be too inconvenient because you don’t want hungover ushers anyway.

Really I think you are making a bit of a drama out of this. As for not checking the date, that was a bit self-centred to assume everyone would be free when you wanted them. But if you are worried about your 5 year old niece getting more attention than you on the morning of your wedding perhaps that’s normal.

Have you actually booked the date yet, if you only just found out about this? If you want your sister in law there (for herself and not just to facilitate your bridesmaid) then maybe you should look at changing the date.

sprinklesandsauce · 04/08/2018 16:29

Your DB is in a no win situation. He either upsets his DS or he upsets his DW. I feel sorry for him.

It is a shame that the dates clash, but everyone will have to make the best of it. You can either let this cast a shadow over the whole day, or you can move on and forget about it.

Is there any chance that you can change the date if you want them to be there? I know somebody who changed the date because their best man was usher at a family wedding on the same day originally.

ADishBestEatenCold · 04/08/2018 16:30

"Your DB’s behaviour is shocking. Planning on getting the free feed at yours and then buggering off to the other one for the party?"

I don't think that is what OP's brother is doing at all, @beepbeeprichie.

I think he is desperately trying to keep everyone happy. He too, along with his wife (OP's Sister in Law), had a previous commitment to attend the wedding of someone important to his family (the god-parent of his children) ... however his sister has now chosen the same date, meaning he has actually had to dump his previous commitment!

Having bowed-out of his original commitment in favour of his sister (who didn't bother to check that any of her key people were free), I would imagine that he is hoping to make some small amends to the god-mother of his children, by going to her wedding for a few hours in the evening.

SilverHairedCat · 04/08/2018 16:37

Right, massive drip feed, changes everything. FFS.

If I've now understood it correctly:
Your invites have only just gone out.
Brother and SIL already invited to, and have committed to, another, child free, wedding on same date.
They are torn between the two and are trying to please everyone.
In the process they are pissing off everyone.
Poor bastards. No idea what to advise them to do, they're fucked however they play this.
You are understandably upset.
This is not for you to fix.
Stop trying to fix it.
Let them decide what to do.
Don't add to their stress.
Accept you can't have all 4 people at your wedding. Chill out a bit, don't be a bridezilla - I'm sure you don't want to be one - and ask your brother how he and SIL are and explain you understand how stressed they are and ask what would make their lives easier at this point such as not being in the bridal party. Then plan accordingly.

MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2018 16:38

So if your niece isn’t going to attend your wedding and she’s not invited to the other wedding, where is she going? That bit simply doesn’t make sense.

Discuss calmly with your brother and suggest that he looks after her at your wedding. Then be graceful about them needing to leave early.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 04/08/2018 16:40

It’s hard because presumably SIL has known this friend far longer than she’s known you? It must be tricky from all sides and I’d try and assume that no-one is being malicious here.

kenandbarbie · 04/08/2018 16:41

Yeah sil, she shouldn't stop dn being a flower girl, that's a lovely memory to have. She should just go to evening if fruend wedding.

LookAtIt · 04/08/2018 16:43

Sorry but it’s another YABU from me. Your brother and his wife presumably BOTH accepted the invite to the other wedding first. The other couple are presumably very close to them as they are their children’s godparents. When they found out about the clash they let you know ASAP and your brother had to back out of attending the other wedding. As a compromise he is going their in the evening.

Honestly, that all sounds very reasonable to me. I get on with my SILS (most of them 😉) but I’m definitely closer to some of my friends.

Are you genuinely sad your SIL won’t be there or is it more the principle of it. I think it’s obnoxios that your Father is getting angry about it. If I were your SIL and I knew that I’d be fuming.

I also think you are being silly and unreasonable about your niece. You SIL already has her plans.

Imagine if you suddenly realised that none of this actually matters. You could forget all this ridiculous drama and upset in a moment and you could concerntrate on enjoying everything else. I get that it’s dissapointing that not all the family will be there but it doesnt actually matter. You are sounding OTT and bridezilla’ish and your parents are being ridiculous too.

I can also see why your SIL doesn’t want to deal with getting her daughter ready for your wedding. I imagine it might be tricky timing wise and if I were her I would not want to do it. If I were her I would not be wanting to get involved and would leave it to your brother.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/08/2018 16:44

You sound even more unreasonable now. Her friend, close enough to be godparent to her children is getting married (and invited her first) and you're pissed off she is saying yes? Either her father looks after neice or she comes with your mother to where you get ready. Really not unreasonable.

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