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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this punishment too much?

106 replies

LongHotSummer24715 · 02/08/2018 16:38

We are just back from a week long family holiday which was a bit tainted by my sulky 13 year old DSS. He's at a difficult age & refuses to do anything that he's asked without an argument - and then doesn't do it anyway! On the way home my DH realised that his DS had carved a design into our car door he's a bit old for that kind of behaviour. It's a brand new car & is going to cost a lot to repair. He has no explanation when confronted but did eventually apologise. When he was told he would have to pay for repairs himself (probably not true but he loves money so my DH felt this would hit home) he sulked, shouted & stormed off & now refuses to speak to us.
That's the back story - we have booked a 5 star hotel as an end of summer break before our new baby arrives in Sept. It's my favourite place and stupid money but it is worth it imo. I've told DH that I don't think DSS should be invited anymore as punishment for his shitty holiday behaviour and for damaging the car.
I'm tired, hormonal, disappointed at how ungrateful he is so I definitely could be U. If he was my child I would feel more comfortable deciding the punishment but as he's a step child I'm always worried that I'm over stepping the line.
Would it be awful to bring the other DC and not him? Should I cancel the trip completely as I feel he will ruin it with his attitude if he does come and it costs over 400 a night?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 16:41

Cancel it. He has to learn that choices have consequences. Once when my DS was OTT in his behaviour at school, they cancelled his place on the school trip abroad. Fair enough.

Knittedfairies · 02/08/2018 16:42

He carved a design into the door of a brand new car?! That seems an odd thing for a 13 year old to do... Does he know about the hotel break in September?

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 16:42

Don't cancel the trip. Just don't take him

LockedOutOfMN · 02/08/2018 16:43

I think it's an unreasonable punishment. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have him pay for the car repairs from pocket money (or withholding pocket money in future) and to give him another punishment such as grounding for a week or two.

SavvySaver24 · 02/08/2018 16:44

What on earth!? Erm every single punishment under the sun should be coming his way. No phone, no laptop, no seeing friends and certainly NO holiday!! Make sure you thoroughly enjoy it though :-)

Byebyebye · 02/08/2018 16:47

I’m not sure what the punishment should be but whatever it is you should actually stick to it instead of threatening things for a reaction. Follow through.

Lynne1Cat · 02/08/2018 16:48

The kid was very wrong to have done that damage to the car, and he should be punished, by either having his money stopped/his computer games taken away/tv taken away.

I don't think it would be fair to not take him on holiday. Have you thought that he's probably annoyed/embarrassed/ about you and his dad having a baby?

Is his behaviour bad at home/with his mum?

BlackeyedSusan · 02/08/2018 16:48

well obviously you can not afford to take him away what with having to repair the car.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/08/2018 16:48

I I think he might take not being allowed to come as a massive rejection, esp with a new baby just round the corner. Sorry,but I think it's an overly harsh punishment.

How's he feeling about the new baby/his dad/you?

Is there some insecurity there? Does he live with you?

ManyCrisps · 02/08/2018 16:48

You should sell his xbox to help pay for repairs and don’t take him on the trip.

speakout · 02/08/2018 16:49

He sounds a sad boy.

Pickleypickles · 02/08/2018 16:49

Seems unfair to me to punish him weeks after the event, does he get pocket money? You could withhold that for a few weeks and tell him it will be until the repair is paid for, even if it's just till you feel he's learnt?

On a side note what do you mean by carved? Do you mean made a denty pattern with his nail or actually took chunks out? If the first then I think YABU and something like no Xbox till the weekend would be fairer because some people have fiddly hands and he might not of realised it would permantly mark. If the second then no pocket money or something sounds fairer.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/08/2018 16:50

Pp.s. But I agreewith contributing to cost of repair

HellenaHandbasket · 02/08/2018 16:51

Of course he should go on the trip. What kind of message would it give to cancel him coming on the last trip you take before his new sibling arrives?

He should help pay for repairs, be grounded etc but this is unrelated and too far away to be a sensible consequence.

I would treat the next few months sensitively, he has a lot of changes ahead.

coco2891 · 02/08/2018 16:51

Regardless of what he's done to the car do you actually want him on the holiday? If he's been a pain in the ass on the last one I wouldn't want to take him -what's your husband said ? And how old is the child you have together?

IamaBluebird · 02/08/2018 16:54

I'd certainly make him pay especially as he's been told he will be doing so.
Not sure about the holiday it's not for awhile so he has time to show you he's sorry and improve his behaviour and attitude.
Also you mention other dc, and a new baby on the way, so there's lots going on in yours and his life. Hope you get it sorted and have a lovely holiday.

ExFury · 02/08/2018 16:54

He sounds like a kids frightened he’s about to be replaced in his father’s life. So punish him certainly, and hard, but I really wouldn’t do it in a way that says the pair of you don’t want him around.

Smellbellina · 02/08/2018 16:54

No I don’t think it would be a fair punishment as it is difficult to relate it to what he had actually done. Unless you use the cost of his ‘share’ of the holiday to cover the cost of the car. I don’t know if that actually works though, presumably you’ve already paid and would him not coming actually save you that much?
Personally it isn’t the punishment i’d choose if one of my DC did that.

twoshedsjackson · 02/08/2018 16:55

If he loves money, paying for the repair will hit the spot, and there is a logical connection between bad behaviour and the consequences.
Did he know about the upcoming hotel stay? If he didn't, and it's now dangled before his eyes before being taken away, he might well feel "what the hell, I've nothing to lose". Perhaps you could make being included in the trip conditional on improvement in behaviour, giving him clear examples and targets; four weeks to a new improved teenager.
If you follow through with paying for the repairs, he will know you mean business.
I'm not being bleeding-heart liberal here, but does he feel excluded a little bit from the shiny new family his father is building? His behaviour is still inexcusable, but it might help to get to the bottom of this. He has to learn to handle strong emotions in a more acceptable way.

squiglet111 · 02/08/2018 16:57

Nope don't take him. He needs consequences. Letting him go still would be sending the wrong message that he can do bad things and still get rewarded. Make him pay and don't take him.( Cost of taking him towards the car repair) also show him how much it's going to cost to repair. He needs to know what his messing around costs in money to repair.

Original poster

LongHotSummer24715 · 02/08/2018 16:57

I honestly don't think that the baby is bothering him, we already have a DS that he adores. He does know about the hotel break as it was a really big deal for us to book it as it's so expensive. I'd prefer not to go at all than to bring him & have it be stressful.
His mother is very strict and he mostly behaves when he is there - we have joint custody. I'm sure it's due to his age as it's only since Christmas that he has been so argumentative and purposely destructive. I too find it 'odd' for a 13 year old to carve into the door - it would have taken some time & effort and there is no way it would go unnoticed.

OP posts:

SillySallySingsSongs · 02/08/2018 16:59

break before our new baby arrives in Sep

^ this could well be the cause.

coco2891 · 02/08/2018 17:00

Do you want him on this holiday or not if you're honest?

coco2891 · 02/08/2018 17:01

If you don't then you need to tell your husband as you'll only up resenting him and not really enjoying yourself 😕

HellenaHandbasket · 02/08/2018 17:02

He's part of the family. You don't get to pick and choose.

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