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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this punishment too much?

106 replies

LongHotSummer24715 · 02/08/2018 16:38

We are just back from a week long family holiday which was a bit tainted by my sulky 13 year old DSS. He's at a difficult age & refuses to do anything that he's asked without an argument - and then doesn't do it anyway! On the way home my DH realised that his DS had carved a design into our car door Confused he's a bit old for that kind of behaviour. It's a brand new car & is going to cost a lot to repair. He has no explanation when confronted but did eventually apologise. When he was told he would have to pay for repairs himself (probably not true but he loves money so my DH felt this would hit home) he sulked, shouted & stormed off & now refuses to speak to us.
That's the back story - we have booked a 5 star hotel as an end of summer break before our new baby arrives in Sept. It's my favourite place and stupid money but it is worth it imo. I've told DH that I don't think DSS should be invited anymore as punishment for his shitty holiday behaviour and for damaging the car.
I'm tired, hormonal, disappointed at how ungrateful he is so I definitely could be U. If he was my child I would feel more comfortable deciding the punishment but as he's a step child I'm always worried that I'm over stepping the line.
Would it be awful to bring the other DC and not him? Should I cancel the trip completely as I feel he will ruin it with his attitude if he does come and it costs over 400 a night?

OP posts:
MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 17:31

It's not good but I'm not someone who freaks out over car scratches.

It would not be good to stop him going on holiday with you at all.

Tell him off, withhold picket money..

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2018 17:31

I’d say natural consequences. He pays for the repair. Or near as damn. Does he have any savings? The alternative is to confiscate his gadgets at your house and he can earn things back. I’m not sure about cancelling the trip. He’s already feeling pretty alienated. I’d give him a chance to behave and redeem himself before the trip.

pictish · 02/08/2018 17:32

“I would 100% not bring my own DC on another trip so soon if she had behaved so badly on the last holiday or damaged the car for no reason.”

Like fuck would you exclude your daughter from a family holiday for this. Don’t lie to yourself. Just wait till your dd is that age and come back to this. Would you fuck.

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 17:33

I also agree it screams of unhappiness.

How is his mum, does she have same level of income etc. Interesting thread over weekend about massive income disparity.

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 17:35

I'd rather spend the time trying to get to the bottom of why he did it.

missyB1 · 02/08/2018 17:35

Something is going on with this boy and I suggest you and your dh need to find out what it is.

HeckyPeck · 02/08/2018 17:36

I'd definitely make him repay the costs - sounds like it's likely to be £100s so may take a while depending on pocket money amount (would his Mum agree to stop pocket money too so you think to confirm both on same page and it hits home?). The punishment fits the crime plus it's been given now so your DH can't back out.

I probably wouldn't cancel holiday as it doesn't really connect to the crime.

Lovemusic33 · 02/08/2018 17:36

I think you need to talk to his mother. Is there a chance she has said something about the new car? Maybe she can’t afford a nice car and has said something?

CammieKennaway · 02/08/2018 17:37

This boy needs help and perhaps counselling - there's something deeply upsetting this poor kid and he's acting out for a reaction - you say he carved a face in the car door - sounds daft to ask, but what was the facial expression? Happy? Sad? Angry? Confused? It may be an indication of how he's feeling deep down - he won't have done it thinking he can get away with it. He knew he'd get into a load of trouble but was probably being hoping he'd be asked why he did it and was hoping he'd be able to open up and talk but bottled out.
Maybe he's insecure about you having another baby and thinks there'll be no room left for him, maybe he's being bullied? Maybe he's under pressure for other reasons - not excusing his behaviour at all and I'd be beyond livid if it was mine or my husband's car, but it may be a reason.

Banning him from the holiday seems very unfair if he's already being punished by making him pay towards repairs (which will be expensive)

Di11y · 02/08/2018 17:37

I think that's an ott punishment, taking the cost from pocket money and extra chores is a reasonable consequence, cancelling or excluding from holiday doesn't seem logically connected.

How long do you have to decide? Draw up a list of jobs (proper ones) and value of possessions and see how he responds.

pictish · 02/08/2018 17:37

Btw - your dd most likely WILL behave like an ungracious, argumentative, unhelpful and ungrateful horror on holiday when she’s the same age as your stepson. It’ll piss you off but you won’t banish her from the next family holiday because of it. I promise you.

WilburIsSomePig · 02/08/2018 17:38

It's not good but I'm not someone who freaks out over car scratches.

I think it would be odd for someone not to freak out by a child deliberately damaging a car. It will be a very expensive repair.

jelliebelly · 02/08/2018 17:38

Poor boy is crying out for attention - what else is going on in his life? That is a really odd thing to do...,

Why on earth would you take kids to a £400 per night hotel? Does he even want to go??

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 17:38

Just out of interest is it lease car or one you want to sell on.
Dh car and mine both have scratches... There is no way we could waste money on repairing a scratch... We don't care about them. I do have friends who freak out at the spidery est thinnest mark...

RJnomore1 · 02/08/2018 17:39

If one of my dds did that - and I have a 13yo! - no bloody way would they be going on holiday with us. They'd be at a grandparents with no internet while we and their sibling went.

The horrible attitude on its own you just unfortunately have to ignore/gently poke fun at/whatever is appropriate for his personality but deliberate destruction of new car? Mine would be told the reduction in costs from not taking them would go towards the repair.

runningscare · 02/08/2018 17:40

This is your last holiday before your own DC arrives ... Whilst some golden uterus may feel it's unfair ... try being on the receiving end of the shixxy behaviour.

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 17:41

X post Wilbur..

If my dc did that my first instinct would be to worry about the human, the child not a shitty piece of metal.

Firstly I would be pouring over everything that's gone on, speaking to dh.. What have we done.. Is it us... Of course 13 year old hormones are mixed in but to be Frank.. A child with that much anger in the them would be my first concern and what to do about it.

It's a bit like the fat kid getting taunted at school, no one helps them then one-day they turn around and punch one of thier abusers and it's fat kid who gets punished...

ExFury · 02/08/2018 17:41

. I'm sure it's due to his age as it's only since Christmas that he has been so argumentative and purposely destructive.

That’s not age related stroppiness imo.

Ignoring instructions, huffing, being a pain in the arse is teenage huffiness. A child suddenly turning angry, argumentative and destructive screams sadness and something going on.

Wilberforce2 · 02/08/2018 17:44

Op the second you said this was about your stepson was the second that all punishments were going to be too much, step parents must never ever mention not being impressed with a step child's behaviour on MN! Oh and he will be damaged/sad/feeling left out/angry and jealous of the new baby. If you were posting about your own child all punishments would be acceptable!

How long ago did this happen? Will exclusion from the holiday be relevant? I definitely think grounding and paying a great deal towards the repair is the way to go.

Good luck with your decision.

QuickWash · 02/08/2018 17:45

I mean this kindly, but I think you need to bear in mind that 13 is very very young still. I remember being 13 and how confusing and bewildering both the world and my own feelings were.

It's easy to hypothesise how you would treat your own children when theyre older but it's so different when they get to that age and you realise they are still so young in themselves. I honestly don't think a 'non steo' family would be considering excluding one child on the basis of some teenage surliness or even vandalism, you'd either all go or not. And if his behaviour was consistently so poor you'd have not booked it in the frst place. So it's coming across as not that bad, but bad enough for you to want to just not deal with him. And that will have emotional consequences I think.

ravenmum · 02/08/2018 17:45

Does he actually want to go on holiday with you? It's to your favourite place, not his, right? And it sounds like he wasn't that keen on the last one. He might be absolutely delighted that he's found a good way to get out of doing stuff.

pigsDOfly · 02/08/2018 17:47

I'm really puzzled as to how a 13 year old boy had access to a screwdriver on the drive back from a holiday and how, during the journey home, neither you nor his father noticed that he was creating art work in the door of your very expensive new car? Does he normally carry a screwdriver everywhere?

You've booked the second holiday and he has been told about it. If he was your child and didn't have his mother to stay with where would you be leaving him if you didn't take him with you? And would you feel it appropriate to unload your unhappy 13 year old child onto someone else to deal with while the rest of the family go off on a lovely expensive jolly?

He's not your child so it's not your place to make the decision. The punishment is inappropriate imo. Does his father think this is a reasonable punishment to hand out to his son?

Paying for the repair, removing his x-box etc, all fine. Dumping him on his mother while you go on holiday is nasty.

BunsOfAnarchy · 02/08/2018 17:49

'We have to pay for the damage you caused. Therefore you can't come with us on holiday as we have to now spend that on the car'.

Job done. Easist way for him to learn never to damage something again. Imagine if it was someone else's car. You wanna nip this in the bud now.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/08/2018 17:49

Stop his pocket money and sell his X Box to pay for the repairs. Issue the punishment then draw a line under it.

I think it is too risky to stop him coming on a family holiday, especially with a new baby. I think the negative impact of him feeling excluded and unimportant could be very great. Also, do you really want this dragging on until the end of summer and when the baby arrives in September?

LittleMissMarker · 02/08/2018 17:56

He should contribute to the cost of repairing the damage, and also do something useful to make up for it - how about washing the car every week for a few months? But it's not relevant to whether you take him on holiday or not. it's a family holiday and if he wants to come and sulk then he comes.

The picture could be an expression of resentment especially with the new baby on the way... or it could just be sheer stupid thoughtless teenagerness. His father needs to talk to him. And maybe spend more time with him one on one because if it was a message then the message is probably that he needs his father.