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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this punishment too much?

106 replies

LongHotSummer24715 · 02/08/2018 16:38

We are just back from a week long family holiday which was a bit tainted by my sulky 13 year old DSS. He's at a difficult age & refuses to do anything that he's asked without an argument - and then doesn't do it anyway! On the way home my DH realised that his DS had carved a design into our car door he's a bit old for that kind of behaviour. It's a brand new car & is going to cost a lot to repair. He has no explanation when confronted but did eventually apologise. When he was told he would have to pay for repairs himself (probably not true but he loves money so my DH felt this would hit home) he sulked, shouted & stormed off & now refuses to speak to us.
That's the back story - we have booked a 5 star hotel as an end of summer break before our new baby arrives in Sept. It's my favourite place and stupid money but it is worth it imo. I've told DH that I don't think DSS should be invited anymore as punishment for his shitty holiday behaviour and for damaging the car.
I'm tired, hormonal, disappointed at how ungrateful he is so I definitely could be U. If he was my child I would feel more comfortable deciding the punishment but as he's a step child I'm always worried that I'm over stepping the line.
Would it be awful to bring the other DC and not him? Should I cancel the trip completely as I feel he will ruin it with his attitude if he does come and it costs over 400 a night?

OP posts:

HellenaHandbasket · 02/08/2018 17:03

If he were your child, would you leave him behind?

Original poster

LongHotSummer24715 · 02/08/2018 17:04

He used a screwdriver to carve a face into the door, took time & force.

OP posts:

coco2891 · 02/08/2018 17:04

My SS wouldn't be coming on any expensive holidays with us if he behaved like that

shumway · 02/08/2018 17:04

It sounds like you've been looking for excuses not to take him with you. Not nice.

BarbarianMum · 02/08/2018 17:05

^^This. Would you leave him home if he was your ds? Esp as he's showing signs of being unhappy and insecure?

emeraldsapphireruby · 02/08/2018 17:05

Seriously?

Would you refuse to take one of your own kids?

Happygoldfinch · 02/08/2018 17:06

@manycrisps - that sounds like such a good solution. My DS is the same age, and if he'd done that to my car I'd be emptying his bedroom the second we got home. He could sulk to the moon and back, but I'd know I'd done the right thing according to my beliefs - boundaries at 13 are as important as boundaries for a toddler.

Bluelady · 02/08/2018 17:07

If it was me I'd cancel as the chances are his behaviour will be equally awful and ruin your very expensive break. I'd also show him the bill for the car repair, it'll probably take him years to pay for it.

Xocaraic · 02/08/2018 17:08

Gosh, that action (damaging the car) screams sadness to me. He also seems damaged in some way and made a very poor choice in damaging the car. He needs to talk this out.
Don't get me wrong, I would be very cross about having to fix the car but I would try to get to the bottom of why he chose to do such a rotten thing. It does not spell happy child, there is more to this.
But to exclude him from a holiday everyone else (all other dc) will be on but not him, that is beyond cruel.

QuickWash · 02/08/2018 17:12

I really wouldn't go for exclusion from family events at a time of transition such as this. Its not a natural consequence of this behaviour either. Having to help pay for the damage, or having to forgo lifts in that car while it's repaired, yes, but exclusion from a family binding trip, no. You may reap much more difficult behaviour as a result of excluding him even more too.

I would suggest that he sounds very unhappy though, and that maybe his dad should find some time for the 2 of them to improve comms before the baby arrives.

CitySnicker · 02/08/2018 17:16

Sounds like some pretty extreme attention seeking. But why though? There must be something pretty significant going on with him to do something so severe. He’s crying out for attention. Good or bad.

BackforGood · 02/08/2018 17:18

This ^ is normal.
It is a pain, and can feel upsetting and annoying when you've arranged a treat and paid out a lot of that treat. However, lets be honest, it isn't confined to combined families, it really is about hormones and testing boundaries. I suspect, as you have just got back from a break that you feel he spoiled, that is prompting you to suggest going without him. I don't think you can do that though.

Carving a picture into the door of a car, however, is not 'normal' or 'usual' behaviour. Your dh is right to say he can pay for the repairs (though that does depend on where he gets his money from, and if he has stuff he can sell) I do think that is an appropriate punishment, as it sort of 'fits the crime'. It has also been issued. I don't think you can then add other things on though.
I would also want to try to get someone he isn't angry with (his Mum? a Grandparent ?) to try to find out why he thought it would be a good idea.

Lovemusic33 · 02/08/2018 17:19

if he were your child would you leave him behind

I probably would if my dd did this, actually she has ruined several holidays and I’m tempted to leave her behind this year (she’s 14).

I do think there maybe a reason for his behaviour though that you need to look for, talk to him but also tell him how uneceptable it is to damage a car. He maybe feeing insecure about the new baby (my dss had huge issues when I was pregnant but was fine once she was here), he might just need reassurance that things won’t be much different then it is now and not much will change?

As for his punishment I think that’s up to you and dh.

Andro · 02/08/2018 17:19

He used a screwdriver to carve a face into the door, took time & force.

That is going to be a very, very costly repair...especially if he's damaged the underlying metal!

If one of my dc did this I'd probably tell them that I'm not taking them to the expensive hotel, but then they'd probably get the chance to earn it back if I thought they were genuinely sorry.

Yes to him paying for a large chunck of the repair costs.

ravenmum · 02/08/2018 17:19

disappointed at how ungrateful he is
What do you think he should be grateful for? The holiday? I'm not sure any child should actually be grateful for being taken on the family holiday; isn't that just normal?

I'm with HellenaHandbasket on this.

Specky12 · 02/08/2018 17:20

Interesting you say his behaviour issues started after Christmas... So around the time you got pregnant?
I would make him pay for the damage by selling a console or something he loves that is expensive.
Then I would sit him down, reassure him despite his behaviour he is loved and ask him if there is anything wrong. Could he be being bullied? You say his mum is strict - are they having problems?
Yes punish, but talk and reassure after.

Loonoon · 02/08/2018 17:21

I think that excluding him from a ‘family’ trip would be unkind. He’s part of your family, to exclude him would be very hurtful and unlikely to improve his behaviour or his relationship with his sibling/s.

That being said it was a terrible thing to do and needs consequences but I wouldn’t take the Xbox away as that will make him so grumpy and under your feet that it will punish you as much as him and it will continue indefinitely.

You say money means a lot to him so I think the way forward is to stop his pocket money for the summer holidays as a contribution to the cost of repairs and also to cancel the trip and let him know that it is because you are using that money to fix the car.

Jaxhog · 02/08/2018 17:21

I was going to suggest not taking him on hols, but if he's jealous of a new baby this could make things worse. Why not go with no pocket money until car dent repair taken care of, and he only goes on holiday if her behaves between now and then.

I suspect he also needs a bit of extra love and attention, plus some reassurance that he'll still be just as loved after the new baby arrives.

pictish · 02/08/2018 17:21

Well I certainly couyldn’t Leave one of my children out of a family holiday, particularly not one that is such a treat. I’m going to say that if he was your own son you wouldn’t dream of doing that either.

I agree his behaviour was dreadful, the damage to the car so senseless and disrespectful...but being the parent of a teen who has done some stupid fucking things that seem inexplicable and out of character too, I know I’d still never leave him out of a holiday.

DayKay · 02/08/2018 17:22

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday. He’s already had a telling off, he’s apologised and he’ll have to pay for the repair.
You said it’s odd behaviour so it sounds like it’s not something he’d normally do.
I don’t think he needs more punishments and conflicts.
He sounds like he needs help to deal with his emotions.

ravenmum · 02/08/2018 17:23

So he spent quite some time sitting by the parked car, on his own, without anyone noticing what he was up to? Do you think he was making some sort of a point about people not paying attention to him or something? (Though I did all sorts of stupid things at that age with no particular reason at all!)

Original poster

LongHotSummer24715 · 02/08/2018 17:24

The trip is in 3 weeks & I could cancel/postpone without losing the cost. I'm undecided because I don't think it's fair on the other DC to lose out because of his behaviour.
I would 100% not bring my own DC on another trip so soon if she had behaved so badly on the last holiday or damaged the car for no reason. BUT he is not my DC and I'm afraid to confuse punishment with being excluded. DH agreed when we discussed but he is very lenient with his DC and I know will forget about the car when DSS speaks to us again!
DH, DSS and DS have a great relationship - lots of 'boys time' and attention when he is here. I have stayed in this hotel with only DH for anniversaries etc, we both decided to bring DC so it's not that I don't want him with us - I just don't want a repeat of our last trip.

OP posts:

FannyCornforth · 02/08/2018 17:27

Blimey. That boy is screaming out for attention. 'All behaviour is communication'. You say that he is interested in money, well that is how he has chosen to communicate. He knows that it will cost a lot of money to repair the car. He's trying to kick his father where it hurts. You need to try to find out what's going on here. There's a lot more at stake than your holiday (which means a lot to you because it cost so much, 400 quid a night etc, see the pattern OP?)

avocadoincident · 02/08/2018 17:29

I think punishments should relate to the crime. I find these more successful and they make sense to everyone. He's damaged the car so the punishment should be he pays for the car or works off the debt.

Not taking him on holiday is not related at all.

However, continued poor behaviour, disrespectfulness, and not listening could result in you not taking him. But I would save this for after you and his dad having a open conversation with him about his behaviour. He sounds like he's trying to get attention to me.

Bluelady · 02/08/2018 17:30

I really wouldn't go if I were you. A £400 a night hotel is wasted on kids anyway. Save the money for the car repair.

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