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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Quizzed by DH about how I got somewhere

117 replies

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:32

Just had a row with DH over this and I'm not sure if I'm BU, we moved to the US about 2 months ago, I am currently unable to drive so have to find places I can walk to easily. I regularly walk to the supermarket with the pushchair which is about 5 minutes away. We are in a very affluent area so really not dangerous or anything.

He is working away all week so often video calls me. Every time I'm out he will ask me about how I got there which I find really weird. If I say I've walked he acts like I must be crazy and say's "I don't like you walking places" as if he's concerned for mine and DC's safety. There are pavements and I don't cross any big, dangerous roads on the way.

Today I'd had enough so I just said "what the hell is the problem"? tell me what the issue is here with how I get to places. He say's there's no issue and its a normal question to ask but in my "fucked up head" I think it's sinister, like he doesn't want me to go out. Ok fine but when he asked me today the phone was acting up and he asked me 3 times and then texted it to me. If it's not a big deal why so desperate to know?

Eventually he said "I will always ask you because you're my wife and you're with my child" I interpret that as he doesn't trust me to adequately care for our child while we're out.

I know it seems like a silly argument but it feels so controlling to me that he does this and I start to feel very anxious (shaky and tearful). I nearly cried in the shop just now because it makes me feel like I'm in trouble which is pathetic.

Am I being OTT or is he U?

OP posts:

TroubledLichen · 02/08/2018 16:37

I recently moved to the US with a child of the same age. We have a car and I drive, it does make life easier, is there a specific reason why you can’t? That said, in the first few weeks before we got organised enough to buy a car I walked everywhere. And DH occasionally asked questions like how did you find the walk to X, is it far to Y as it was a new area to us both and he wasn’t exploring it as much as he was at work. But it was about our new neighbourhood and not about my ability to cross the road. What you’re describing is, sorry to say, really weird and very controlling.

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2018 16:39

Is he concerned about gun crime?

We expect men to just be able to leave their children, with no issue. It isn't about not trusting you.

However, you know him best and if he is feeling insecure, or being controlling.

I think you need a proper conversation about this, when you are both together, again.

scottishdiem · 02/08/2018 16:41

When DP and I moved to Dublin we talked a lot about routes, transport and safety before and after trips etc. Seems normal to me. He seems a bit put out that you don't want to answer and getting to agressive with it but I am not sure why it's a problem telling him.

SlothSlothSloth · 02/08/2018 16:44

If he really said “my child” about your mutual child that is quite bad. I’ve only ever heard this in such a context from controlling men.

Why does he have to ask you? If you don’t drive he already knows you must get everywhere by walking.

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:51

Troubled I can't because I don't have a license, complicated story but that's the reason and I can't do anything for a couple of months. The questioning isn't a casual "oh, how did you get there" "how did you find it" and when I say I've walked there he gives me a disapproving look. You can literally see the shop from our place it's so close so I find it very odd

OP posts:

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:54

Scottishdiem I do answer him, always and it's always the same answer because there's no other way I'm getting about apart from once a week when someone from a group picks us up. He always gives me a look like I'm doing something wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:56

He hung up saying "I'm done with this conversation" and then text me saying "you've obviously changed"

Isn't that just so wrong?

OP posts:

delphguelph · 02/08/2018 16:57

Americans are weird about walking tho. They drive everywhere.

He sounds controlling tho

Littlebluebird123 · 02/08/2018 16:59

Is he American?
I only ask because when I've been in America with Americans they really rarely walked anywhere. (Except in a city like New York.)
If we walked it made us stand out a bit so in that sense we were more vulnerable as we were obviously not from the area.

TroubledLichen · 02/08/2018 17:02

Are you also waiting for your EAD and social security number?! I’m a bit stuck in limbo too and if it doesn’t come through I’m going to have to stop driving on my UK license and get an international driving permit, also known as our state’s attempt to make a list of undocumented immigrants addresses... but I digress... What you’re describing sounds really, really weird. Was the move his idea? Is he concerned about crime? Hope you’re ok, and don’t stop going out!

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:05

Lottlebluebird yes he is and there is an element of that but the shop is literally across the street. I come out of our neighborhood, cross the road and I'm in the car park. I wouldn't even drive there if I had a car.

OP posts:

5foot5 · 02/08/2018 17:07

Is your DH American? I only ask because I have heard that in the US it is much less common to walk places and people take the car for even short journeys.

Given that he knows you can't drive I think he is being a bit daft by asking this question all the time. How does he think you are going to get places?

It won't help any but I think in your shoes I would be tempted to give really sarcastic or ludicrous answers such as "Oh I bought a flying carpet and flew there" or "I flagged down a passing stranger and asked for a lift". When he objects point out the actual answer is obvious and the same as always so why does he keep asking?

If he still looks disapproving at you walking places ask him what he would suggest instead? See if he can't come up with a sensible answer. Bad news if the only answer he can come up with is for you not to go anywhere unless he is there to take you!

5foot5 · 02/08/2018 17:08

x-post a bit with Littlebluebird!

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:09

Yes paperwork is a problem and I never had a Uk license.

I'm fully ok with answering him by the way if he said it casually but it's always met with a comment or look.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 02/08/2018 17:10

Hate to generalise but (some) Americans are really odd about walking to the shops - I lived in America several years ago and it was about a 20 minute stroll to the nearest supermarket - I frequently walked it, had the time and quite liked the exercise (although I did have a car) - people looked at me as if I was MAD to walk to a store.

Not sure what the answer is, stop answering your phone all the time?

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:12

I see quite a few older people walking for exercise around here.

OP posts:

sar302 · 02/08/2018 17:13

I lived in the US briefly and every time I left the house on foot people would pull over, assuming my car had broken down and I was walking for help. Outside of a major city like NYC walking is see as weird. If your husband is American he may have slipped back into that way of thinking. Doesn't stop it being a bloody irritating repetitive question though 🙄 I'd start coming up with nonsense forms of transport.... by carrier pigeon... on my willingly saddled lizard...

Original poster

greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:14

5foot5 very good! I like that idea

OP posts:

Fattymcfaterson · 02/08/2018 17:17

Tell him you've learnt how to teleport

BeBesideTheSea · 02/08/2018 17:20

I would be answering with things like “I hired a horse and trap” “scooter” “flying carpet”

Or, maybe (if Uber is in your area) just say you took an Uber every time. If he objects to that, then you know it is not the walking but that you are going out at all. Which is a much bigger issue

FrayedHem · 02/08/2018 17:21

I don't think it is a an American thing in this case as the OP's husband knows she can't drive.

Did he express any disapproval about you not being a driver before you moved?

Snomade · 02/08/2018 17:22

It sounds like he isn't really asking you a genuine question of how you got to the supermarket. He knows you have no transport and that your habit is to walk there. So he's asking you to make a passive aggressive point. What that is, I couldn't guess! But he does sound very critical of you. I would feel really sad if my husband talked to me like that.

sussexman · 02/08/2018 17:24

Is your DH American? From that background you are behaving really strangely by not driving/getting a cab. From a UK background he is being an arse!

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 02/08/2018 17:24

Yep, describing my first year here perfectly. Couldn't drive, DH at work, I was bored witless until I got my driver's license and therefore was able to look for a job I wouldn't have to spend two hours on an infrequent and unreliable bus to get to. I walked everywhere and I got the strangest looks from people. DH often did ask how I got somewhere or rather "you didnt walk there did you?" not because he was controlling but because he was amazed by just how far I could and was prepared to walk and he couldn't get his head around it.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2018 17:27

Is he controlling about anything else? You're an adult. He sounds ridiculous

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