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AIBU?

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Original poster

Quizzed by DH about how I got somewhere

117 replies

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:32

Just had a row with DH over this and I'm not sure if I'm BU, we moved to the US about 2 months ago, I am currently unable to drive so have to find places I can walk to easily. I regularly walk to the supermarket with the pushchair which is about 5 minutes away. We are in a very affluent area so really not dangerous or anything.

He is working away all week so often video calls me. Every time I'm out he will ask me about how I got there which I find really weird. If I say I've walked he acts like I must be crazy and say's "I don't like you walking places" as if he's concerned for mine and DC's safety. There are pavements and I don't cross any big, dangerous roads on the way.

Today I'd had enough so I just said "what the hell is the problem"? tell me what the issue is here with how I get to places. He say's there's no issue and its a normal question to ask but in my "fucked up head" I think it's sinister, like he doesn't want me to go out. Ok fine but when he asked me today the phone was acting up and he asked me 3 times and then texted it to me. If it's not a big deal why so desperate to know?

Eventually he said "I will always ask you because you're my wife and you're with my child" I interpret that as he doesn't trust me to adequately care for our child while we're out.

I know it seems like a silly argument but it feels so controlling to me that he does this and I start to feel very anxious (shaky and tearful). I nearly cried in the shop just now because it makes me feel like I'm in trouble which is pathetic.

Am I being OTT or is he U?

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 02/08/2018 18:02

It does seem a little strange if I'm honest.
But I do think the American walking thing is making him act a bit differently. I personally wouldnt be too concerned about the my wife, my child as to me it sounds more like he's anxious than controlling.
Maybe he's very conscious of the fact he's away and left you without transport. It leaves you having to rely on others to do more than just visit the supermarket over the road.
I think I'd ask him about it in person if possible and see where it stems from.
If he wasn't like this before then the big move, leaving you alone and in unfamiliar territory and the relatively new role of dad (ie having dependants) could make him anxious.
I don't know if he was away a lot before but I know that early in our relationship when my husband was away the only communication was phone and it was really hard. Sometimes we ended up arguing but it was a case of an inconvenient time or other stresses which don't translate well on the phone.

NerdyBird · 02/08/2018 18:03

the fact that he's become more like this since you had a baby is concerning. I believe pregnancy/arrival of child is a common 'triggerpoint' where controlling men begin to reveal their true nature. So I would be wary OP, and make sure you're able to maintain a level of independence, especially if he's going to be away a lot.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2018 18:06

Wow, he sounds infuriating. Was he living there and you moved out to join him? Surely if he was living with you in the UK he was used to you walking?

Is your child his, too?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 02/08/2018 18:06

Maybe re-word te "wat

Bibesia · 02/08/2018 18:07

I think you need to have a conversation with him about what he expects: are you supposed to stay at home all day, if not how are you supposed to go anywhere without walking given the problem with the baby seat, and why does he get so sniffy about you walking anyway. If he says he doesn't have a problem with it, tell him he needs to lose the disapproving looks immediately.

hammeringinmyhead · 02/08/2018 18:07

Agree on the not-walking Americans thing. I stayed with a friend near Chicago and asked if there was a shop to walk to while she was at work. She looked at me like I had two heads (the answer was no - it was about 6 miles to anything that wasn't a house).

But I don't understand the repeated asking. Can you not just say "Please assume we walked unless I tell you otherwise?"

Bibesia · 02/08/2018 18:11

Sloth, I second the recommendation of Notes from a Big Country for an eye-opener about the American attitude to walking. I remember Bryson saying how it's the norm to drive to one shop, park, do your shopping there, then drive to the next shop and park, and repeat till everything's done - even if the various shops are all in one medium-sized shopping street. And there was the time when someone looked at him as if he was insane for suggesting that, instead of driving to the gym, getting on a running machine, and driving home, they could save a fortune just by running or walking around the local neighbourhood.

Snomade · 02/08/2018 18:12

That could be it then, OP. It would explain him needing to have to you in a place he thinks of as safe. Also I find when my friend has a flare up of her anxiety, it's like she can't control how she comes across to us. Every emotion shows on her face and quite often the anxiety can appear as annoyance. Because she has been presented with something she can't control or hasn't accounted for in our answers to her questions.
Do you think he would agree to couples counselling?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 02/08/2018 18:12

Maybe re-word the question "what the hell is the problem?" to a softer, "what are your worries?" If he is feeling anxious about leaving you alone all day in a strange place with no car and no culture of walking, he might be forgiven for being a little over protective! It would open the door to a calmer conversation, anyway!
Sorry for the above - my keyboard had a bit of a moment! (splashed water on it!)

choli · 02/08/2018 18:18

I've been living in the US for 25 years. In my experience the not walking is a thing of the past. At one time my husband and I would be the only ones walking, now i see many walkers. Might be an East Coast thing though.

SenecaFalls · 02/08/2018 18:23

I've been living in the US for 25 years. In my experience the not walking is a thing of the past.

I agree. We live very close to a shopping center. Quite a few people in our neighborhood walk there, although not right now because it's too hot.

UpstartCrow · 02/08/2018 18:25

Please make sure you have an exit strategy. His behaviour is weird and controlling, and he's blaming you.

Racecardriver · 02/08/2018 18:26

He is probably genuinely worried but nkt expressing it well. I grew up in suburban Australia in a nice working class/retired/lots of families area. Not somewhere you could call a dangerous place. But because the population density was quite low and most people drove if they were going any distance (which you had to if you were going to the super market/dictirs/school/anywhere that wasn't a park basically) the streets were pretty much empty all the time. My parents wouldn't let me out in my suburubaline until I was 16 (compared to 14 around town). The reality is that if you screamed it was unlikely that anyone would hear you and actually do something about it (particularly during working hours). If you live in a similar area and are forgein alone with a baby isn't not that unreasonable to be a bit worried about it. You have to understand that life in the UK is life in the UK. Not everywhere is like here. If you are struggling to adjust you may want to consider moving back.

happypoobum · 02/08/2018 18:29

I don't understand. Why is he asking you this question repeatedly when he knows you cannot drive? Confused

Have you asked him this? What did he say?

I think you need to make it clear that even if you could drive you wouldn't be driving across the bloody road to a shop you can see from your house.

He does sound really controlling though from your subsequent posts.

Maybe you can clear the air with him and tell him how you are feeling when you are next together?

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2018 18:30

Isn't separation anxiety an issue for babies not grown men? Definitely get your drivers license. Do you want to be micromanaged like this?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/08/2018 18:31

He either needs to get some serious help for his anxiety levels or you need to start considering your options to ensure your physical and financial independence in the future. Sorry but it all sounds a bit handmaiden to me.

It's perfectly possible to get a driving lesson with a child in the back in a car seat. Don't let that stop you - perfect time for a nap [for the child obviously].

category12 · 02/08/2018 18:31

Are you able to work legally in the US?

I'd be concerned that this is a slippery slope, if he's talking about "putting" you places like you've no mind of your own and questioning & making you feel uncomfortable about what little independence you do have.

Don't fold, OP, maintain your independence. What's your route out, if things don't work out for you in the US?

Racecardriver · 02/08/2018 18:31

I just remembered an incident that occurred along those lines when I was in my early teens. An old man was bludgeoned to death in his front garden by a lunatic. His wife screamed. When the police went around asking for witnesses not one person had seen this. Only two people heard the scream. They hadn't thought anything of it because it was a one off and not very loud and didn't call the police. It was a freak occurance (the mam was a escapee from a secured mental health facility) but wgeb you have a wife and child that is something you would reasonably be worried about.

FrayedHem · 02/08/2018 18:32

It does sound he has become very fixated on you walking. Was it his idea to move? It's hard to tell whether he has become overly anxious and is manifesting itself in the walking alone thing, or whether it is a controlling personality that isn't dealing well with working away and not knowing what you are doing/who you are with etc. If it's the former than something like CBT may be helpful for him. The latter would be more worrying, given that you've moved.

User12879923378 · 02/08/2018 18:32

This is very American, I think. I remember trying to walk into Albany from my hotel and it was literally impossible. I ended up walking on the verge next to a six lane highway and people were pulling over to ask if I was OK or had broken down. Even in New York I remember the door man on my building being horrified that I was going to walk 12 blocks and begging me to take a cab. I think some Americans just do not see walking as very safe.

OctaviaOctober · 02/08/2018 18:32

We expect men to just be able to leave their children, with no issue. It isn't about not trusting you.

When the child is with their other parent?! Surely we expect women to be able to leave their children with their other parent with no issue too?

User12879923378 · 02/08/2018 18:34

It was the same in Canada actually. If people drive or cab everywhere they really don't understand why you would walk. I can see that this would be annoying but I genuinely think it is cultural rather than controlling

Dixiechickonhols · 02/08/2018 18:35

Are there proper sidewalks and pedestrian walking entrances to the supermarket. In my experience of almost 30 trips to usa, America isn't set up for pedestrians so he may be concerned from a safety point of view if you are walking in the road or where car drivers wouldn't expect a pedestrian.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/08/2018 18:37

When DP and I moved to Dublin we talked a lot about routes, transport and safety before and after trips etc. Seems normal to me.

It doesn't seem remotely normal to me! I'm fascinated to know what he thought could happen to you on the streets of Dublin?

pallisers · 02/08/2018 18:40

I'm in the US and walk everywhere as do my kids. We sometimes ride our bikes too. Totally normal here.

Me too. Don't recognise the non-walking america describe on here. Maybe rural places with no footpaths?

OP, it sounds like your dh is letting his anxiety focus on you/the baby/walking. That is his issue to sort. i would have a frank conversation with him saying you appreciate it is hard for him being away but you are a grown adult who is perfectly competent and he needs to back off.

Are you walking distance to a local library? The children's departments usually run toddler events or mother/baby groups etc. or would have notices up too about local community things. Is the public transportation really that unsafe? I used buses/trains/subway all the time with babies.

The US driving test is generally easy enough to pass. You should prioritise a few lessons with a driving school - see if they will let you bring the baby. even if they won't, you could do a lesson every saturday morning and be ready for the test in no time.