Quizzed by DH about how I got somewhere

[greyallover]

Just had a row with DH over this and I'm not sure if I'm BU, we moved to the US about 2 months ago, I am currently unable to drive so have to find places I can walk to easily. I regularly walk to the supermarket with the pushchair which is about 5 minutes away. We are in a very affluent area so really not dangerous or anything.

He is working away all week so often video calls me. Every time I'm out he will ask me about how I got there which I find really weird. If I say I've walked he acts like I must be crazy and say's "I don't like you walking places" as if he's concerned for mine and DC's safety. There are pavements and I don't cross any big, dangerous roads on the way.

Today I'd had enough so I just said "what the hell is the problem"? tell me what the issue is here with how I get to places. He say's there's no issue and its a normal question to ask but in my "fucked up head" I think it's sinister, like he doesn't want me to go out. Ok fine but when he asked me today the phone was acting up and he asked me 3 times and then texted it to me. If it's not a big deal why so desperate to know?

Eventually he said "I will always ask you because you're my wife and you're with my child" I interpret that as he doesn't trust me to adequately care for our child while we're out.

I know it seems like a silly argument but it feels so controlling to me that he does this and I start to feel very anxious (shaky and tearful). I nearly cried in the shop just now because it makes me feel like I'm in trouble which is pathetic.

Am I being OTT or is he U?

Anoukspirit you've articulated the situation very well, it makes me uneasy to read as I know I e been trying to pretend it's all ok but something is telling me it's not right. Gaslighting in particular, that makes me sick to my stomach. An example is things like saying I'm not allowed to let dc on the balcony, it's not safe. Yet the bars are very close together and additionally I put up fencing over that so there are no gaps. It's completely safe unless the building collapses. However when we go in the car and he can't work the car seat he's happy to suggest we don't strap it in properly which of course is highly unsafe and I would not let happen. But it's about his anxiety for a situation he can't be there to oversee, so he then controls me by saying I can't do it and I get nervous about what I'm 'allowed' to do.

It doesn't matter whether it's "can't" or "won't", windswept. I like to walk all walkable distances, therefore the US and I are not compatible. I have actually lived there in the past as well and have other reasons for not going back, but I hate driving everywhere and that's definitely a big one. And it is partly a culture thing, as people's posted experiences in this thread have reflected.

We're not in a rural area by the way, there are lots of neighborhoods next to us with very rich folk living in them.

I'm curious as to how the move came about. Was it something you'd always planned to do (e.g. move to DH's home country when you had a child together) or did DH one of you start pushing for it during pregnancy/shortly after your baby was born? I also wonder how much you saw of your friends and family, if you had a job you planned to return to after maternity leave - basically how much have you sacrificed for this...

You sound very isolated and he sounds really miserable in his job. Is moving back an option?

Whether walking is normal or not depends totally on where the OP lives. The US is very very large and the geography and culture vary hugely, ie the deep South, the Mid West, East and West Coast are all very different. As the OP has a supermarket very close I assume she lives in a town but it could be a small and spread out place designed for cars or a densely built walking friendly place.

We moved to NYC a few years back and I found it very challenging, you lose at one stroke your family, friends and all your local and cultural connections. The OP's dh should be doing everything he can to support her, not undermine her attempts to settle.

We were in the Middle East before and neither of us had lived in our home countries for a while. I wanted to move here because I didn't like the idea of dc growing up there and It became very depressing there for both of us. Being here is so much better but I'm still experiencing the isolation as I'm fairly limited right now. I do think things will get better for me once I can get a job and car.

What access to family money do you have OP? Not being able to work or drive is going to make you miserable, and so you need a plan to make connections. Is there a neighbourhood facebook site, any local churches or other meeting places? What support has your dh given you in settling? Sounds as if he has brought you over to the US, stuck you in an apartment and pretty much buggered off. If he is worried about you being on your own (I really don't think separation anxiety applies well to this situation) then he should be working hard to make things easier for you. You really need the opportunity to make friends, or I agree with others you need to start considering going back to the UK.

I got a lift with this bloke I've been shagging while you're at work. Not to worry, I didn't walk.

If he's going to be arsey, might as well give him something real to be arsey about.

If my DH acted like that about walking I would lose it. I don't drive because I don't want to so I walk, DH has never once questioned why. He sounds controlling and suffocating. If he is so concerned he would look after his child and drive her everywhere. He is treating you like a child and you need to put your foot down.

OP -do you have access to money?

Don't let him play the anxiety card- you can be sympathetic but don't allow it to change your behaviour.

I’d look into relocating again close to your family OP.

If you divorce in the US you will have to stay in the US with your kid until he is 18. That’s a long sentence.

Is there any way you can relocate to your own country?

My alarm bells are ringing loudly that you are being controlled and treated very badly indeed.

You are a strong competent woman who’s gut instincts are bang on.
You are being gaslighted and undermined... the tell tale “my child” has red flags ALL over it.

I’d suggest relocating.... ASAP. You need to get the hell out of the US.

Thanks for answering. His "do as I say not as I do" attitude must be very wearing. All that fuss about it being dangerous for you to walk but he's happy to have your baby inadequately restrained in the car would make me lose it.
I hope you don't have a long wait for the paperwork to get sorted.

I like to walk all walkable distances, therefore the US and I are not compatible.

So do I and I have lived here happily for 25 years.

OP, apart from the issue with your husband - who is bang out of order - it might be helpful for you to post on the overseas/expat forum. Moving country is very hard and it is particularly hard when you don't have a job immediately (I did it and it was very isolating at the beginning). American communities are generally very welcoming and it is easy to join groups etc if you have a baby. You may have some decisions to make about where and how you live but in the meantime it would help you to meet people apart from your dh and get some info on baby groups/free town events/kid-friendly stuff.

Do you think you will enjoy living in the U.S OP?
Remember you have his child now so even if you wanted to move back to your home country with your child you won't be able to if he doesn't give permission...

Thanks that's constructive.

Yes I want to live here. I don't want to live in the Uk.

Oh I am so glad what I said wasn’t just completely useless self indulgent waffle. I just really want to write again because what you said about the balcony/car seat double standard sounds so familiar to me. I remember also that I felt so disapproved of all the time. I recognise that my husbands motivation is/was his own anxiety (ie HIS issue assessing risk) but the narrative of our relationship that I completely believed was that I was the ‘fucked up’ one. The gaslighting is a really, really dangerous thing to live with. I wish I hadn’t put myself through it and I am only here because he is working so hard on it. He didn’t start until we agreed to divorce though. And that only happened after I realised the effect the gaslighting was having on me, explained that to him and then watched him do it again the very next day. I think because it’s motivated by fear there has to be something they fear more than doing it. If you can’t do anything else try to hold on to the fact that he does gaslight you and that his perception is flawed. You sound like your instincts are spot on. And by the way you sound amazing. I so admire you getting out and going to parks and the group you mentioned. I felt my world shrinking and it doesn’t sound like you are going to let that happen to you. As you can’t work just keep doing that. You will make friends who can help stay balanced. And you don’t need his permission or agreement for things, you can ask and demand for things to change to suit you too.

Thank you Hauskat you've given me a really balanced perspective and I so needed that today. In these situations you wonder how you'd been so stupid to get into it in the first place and speaking to someone else makes me realize we are all just human. I still feel confused, I sent him a message saying how I was struggling and his disapproval made me anxious etc. he didn't even reply to the message and just now (hours later) I find he's driven home and brought me food. We'll see what he has to say but my main focus is him owning up to his behavior and not telling me it's all in my head. I hope things can get better for you and I really admire you for tackling it with him.