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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quizzed by DH about how I got somewhere

117 replies

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:32

Just had a row with DH over this and I'm not sure if I'm BU, we moved to the US about 2 months ago, I am currently unable to drive so have to find places I can walk to easily. I regularly walk to the supermarket with the pushchair which is about 5 minutes away. We are in a very affluent area so really not dangerous or anything.

He is working away all week so often video calls me. Every time I'm out he will ask me about how I got there which I find really weird. If I say I've walked he acts like I must be crazy and say's "I don't like you walking places" as if he's concerned for mine and DC's safety. There are pavements and I don't cross any big, dangerous roads on the way.

Today I'd had enough so I just said "what the hell is the problem"? tell me what the issue is here with how I get to places. He say's there's no issue and its a normal question to ask but in my "fucked up head" I think it's sinister, like he doesn't want me to go out. Ok fine but when he asked me today the phone was acting up and he asked me 3 times and then texted it to me. If it's not a big deal why so desperate to know?

Eventually he said "I will always ask you because you're my wife and you're with my child" I interpret that as he doesn't trust me to adequately care for our child while we're out.

I know it seems like a silly argument but it feels so controlling to me that he does this and I start to feel very anxious (shaky and tearful). I nearly cried in the shop just now because it makes me feel like I'm in trouble which is pathetic.

Am I being OTT or is he U?

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 02/08/2018 17:30

Did he ask all this crap when you lived in the UK? If not, can you ask him what's changed?

DoulaDaisy · 02/08/2018 17:30

Try BeBesideTheSeas suggestion. Find out whether he has a problem with you walking or with you actually leaving the house. Start ubering for a while if you can afford it and tell him that.

Original poster
greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:32

FrayedHem No never. To be honest I didn't know what to expect when we came here and I thought it would be easier to get public transport but I realise here thats not very safe. Now I just have to deal with the frustration of being trapped in one place for most of the week which is shit enough without being disapproved of for walking across the street.

BeBesideTheSea I wanted to get ubers but I have a problem with carting the car seat around once I get out. He's too big for our travel system now. Bloody annoying!

Come to think of it a mum I met here drove us to a park last week and he'd called me there and said "but how did you get there!?" in a really shocked and agitated way. When I said she drove us he relaxed.

I wish he would just tell me what the concern is instead of pretending he doesn't care and then acting weird.

OP posts:
EggysMom · 02/08/2018 17:33

I think I'd start being sarcastic in return - "No, I didn't walk, a flock of tiny blue-birds picked me up and flew me here / possie of goblins made a carriage and pulled me here / ...."

Original poster
greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:33

shoxfordian exactly! I'm an adult and this makes me feel like a child which makes me rage!

OP posts:
Kezza8 · 02/08/2018 17:34

I was in the US years ago and I walked to the shops with my daughter in a buggy. A police car stopped to ask if I was OK!! It just isn't the done thing in the US. I was so shocked. But, I do think your husband is being a bit controlling. If you can't drive at the moment then you have to walk

vandrew4 · 02/08/2018 17:37

I recently moved to the US with a child of the same age. We have a car and I drive, it does make life easier, is there a specific reason why you can’t?

what an odd attitude. maybe she prefers walking. You know, getting a bit of exercise and all that

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/08/2018 17:37

So would not like this at all. I see where you are coming from OP. You have to balance this with the fact there is no culture for walking in the US.

How does he expect you to get around?

I would tell him to mind his own business, or step up with helping you get your licence and a car.

Stupomax · 02/08/2018 17:37

I'm in the US and walk everywhere as do my kids. We sometimes ride our bikes too. Totally normal here.

I don't know what I'd do in your situation OP other than just say "I walked, what else do you think I should have done?"

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2018 17:38

Yes treating you like a child and an incompetent one at that. Can I suggest not answering calls and texts like this so often? Is he controlling in other ways?

Stupomax · 02/08/2018 17:38

Or could you look into getting a bike with a trailer?

Original poster
greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:44

shoxfordian the other day he was talking about where we might settle. His job means he moves a lot so he was suggesting to get a stable home for us in one location near his family. Ok, good idea but the way he worded it was, well I was thinking I'll just 'put' you there and then you can just live there while I travel with work.

It got my back up straight away, talking about me like I'm a pawn he can just 'put' wherever suits him.

He has become more like this since I had a baby and have not been working.

OP posts:
Snomade · 02/08/2018 17:46

Just had a thought. If he asks you something like, "what did you do today?", you could say "I walked to the park". He may still pull a face or be critical but at least that blocks him from asking how did you get there in a critical tone because you've already told him you walked.

LittleMissMarker · 02/08/2018 17:47

Old folks may walk for exercise but in a lot of the US walking to get somewhere is really "not done". If he's not controlling in any other way then I would not try to rationalise it just put it down to a cultural difference. Tell him it's a weird British custom that he'll have to accommodate.

montenuit · 02/08/2018 17:47

sounds like he's just trapped in the American "can't walk / don't walk / roads are for vehicles only" mindset.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 02/08/2018 17:48

If you don’t have a license, how does he expect you to get to the shop unless you walk? Sounds really odd to me.

Travelledtheworld · 02/08/2018 17:48

Hi OP I also lived in the US with very small children and remember the feeling of despair when my husband went off to work leaving me with two kids under five in a remote location, only fields within walking distance.
I could drive, on the UK licence until I took driving test for State licence ( lol, it was pathetic). But I use daily to spend lot of time in the local playground and found everyone friendly and as we were a bit of a novelty they were happy to make friends and give us lifts to places.

I suggest you find a playgroup or Mums coffee group and get to know people. The local churches will have such groups and you don't have to be a church goer.

Can't comment on your husbands behaviour but suggest you do talk to him about his concerns and reassure him that everything is fine. Hope you get the licence sorted out soon.

LittleMissMarker · 02/08/2018 17:50

He has become more like this since I had a baby and have not been working.

Then get your driving licence and a job as soon as you can, sounds like you're going to need them.

Snomade · 02/08/2018 17:50

Hmm, your last post doesn't reflect all that well on him. He could be controlling, or could he be very anxious? That could maybe explain the need to plan where you will live and where you are all the time.

WillowRose79 · 02/08/2018 17:56

Because you're in an affluent area you're more likely to be targeted so he's prob just worried

Butterymuffin · 02/08/2018 17:57

Bill Bryson writes about this in his books. Basically after he took up walking he realised that many Americans regard it as really weird to walk anywhere when you could drive. Think Notes from a Big Country is where he recounts people reacting bizarrely to him walking to the supermarket. Get your DH to read it!

Original poster
greyallover · 02/08/2018 17:58

snomade you may have a point. He had just had a stressful meeting and was calling me after that. I personally think he gets separation anxiety when he's away from us and we have been apart a lot this year. He said he doesn't sleep well when he's away. Maybe anxiety is getting the better of him but he doesn't want to admit it.

OP posts:
SlothSlothSloth · 02/08/2018 18:01

Sorry for this slight derail, but this post has really opened my eyes to the weirdness of US. Culture. Walking is weird?! WTF. I knew people drove a lot but I thought that was because there’s no good public transport, not because there’s some mass cultural aversion to walking. Utterly bizarre.

OP id be trying to find ways to eventually go back to work if I were you, just based on your last update. I don’t know if that’s already your plan.

SlothSlothSloth · 02/08/2018 18:02

X-post!

Holidayshopping · 02/08/2018 18:02

If he knows you can’t drive, how does he think that you are getting to places? He sounds like he has a massive issue about this but is making it out to be you that has the problem!

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