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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Quizzed by DH about how I got somewhere

117 replies

greyallover · 02/08/2018 16:32

Just had a row with DH over this and I'm not sure if I'm BU, we moved to the US about 2 months ago, I am currently unable to drive so have to find places I can walk to easily. I regularly walk to the supermarket with the pushchair which is about 5 minutes away. We are in a very affluent area so really not dangerous or anything.

He is working away all week so often video calls me. Every time I'm out he will ask me about how I got there which I find really weird. If I say I've walked he acts like I must be crazy and say's "I don't like you walking places" as if he's concerned for mine and DC's safety. There are pavements and I don't cross any big, dangerous roads on the way.

Today I'd had enough so I just said "what the hell is the problem"? tell me what the issue is here with how I get to places. He say's there's no issue and its a normal question to ask but in my "fucked up head" I think it's sinister, like he doesn't want me to go out. Ok fine but when he asked me today the phone was acting up and he asked me 3 times and then texted it to me. If it's not a big deal why so desperate to know?

Eventually he said "I will always ask you because you're my wife and you're with my child" I interpret that as he doesn't trust me to adequately care for our child while we're out.

I know it seems like a silly argument but it feels so controlling to me that he does this and I start to feel very anxious (shaky and tearful). I nearly cried in the shop just now because it makes me feel like I'm in trouble which is pathetic.

Am I being OTT or is he U?

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 02/08/2018 18:40

So OP, do you think it could be explained by him thinking you are needlessly putting yourself at risk and is fully expecting you will stop it soon?

ie is he asking you "did you walk again" in a way like "did you get a job yet", "did you get your boiler checked yet" or similar?

I love the sarcastic answer suggestion by the way. I mean if nobody walked anywhere you'd end up with fat people all over the place wouldn't you? Can't be having that. (Possibly don't say that one)

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 02/08/2018 18:50

This is high on the list of reasons why I could never live in the US. I haaaaaate the car culture and the unwillingness to walk.

It sounds to me like this is 50% cultural difference and 50% paternalistic bullshit - I'd feel just the same as you about the idea that you "stay where you're put". I'd strongly consider a) going back to work b) making it clear you won't tolerate this line of questioning.

PuppyMonkey · 02/08/2018 18:50

So, given that he knows you can’t drive, every time he questions you about how you got somewhere he’s basically saying: “OMG you went OUT!!”Hmm

toxic44 · 02/08/2018 18:51

I wouldn't be happy to be quizzed and criticised like that, repeatedly. It sounds a control issue, especially the 'my wife and my child' bit. It's nice to be cherished but possessiveness can get out of hand.

choli · 02/08/2018 18:54

It doesn't seem remotely normal to me! I'm fascinated to know what he thought could happen to you on the streets of Dublin?
As someone who has lived in Dublin, London, and several cities in the US i can assure you that I found Dublin the worst. I've only had my flat burgled and been mugged in Dublin. That's back in the 80s. I've heard it is much worse now.

DrCoconut · 02/08/2018 18:56

We noticed that people just don't walk in the US. It draws lots of attention and I guess may make you vulnerable. My US relatives said its not safe to walk next to the road (no path) between their neighbourhood and the next as people come speeding down just not expecting pedestrians and you could be run over. The thing that got us was the visitor attractions that have land trains or mini buses to take people from the car park to the entrance. Think of somewhere like a uk stately home for an idea of the distance involved. It's a great idea for people with mobility problems by this is for able bodied people. They thought we were utterly mad and eccentric to want to walk the 200m or so and look at the place a bit. There may well be an element of cultural readjustment taking place, but this should be discussed rather than just thrown at you.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 18:57

Massive red flag, OP. Be careful.

Steelediver · 02/08/2018 19:01

I’m surprised that some of the answers here think his behaviour’s okay.

YADNBU OP, it’s verging on controlling. It’s making you feel anxious about leaving the house in case he disapproves, like you’re a child. That’s not okay, whatever his nationality. It is, IMO, a red flag, especially coupled with his comments about you having changed. Changed because you won’t toe the line, does he mean? Be careful it doesn’t get worse bit by bit.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 02/08/2018 19:02

Stop making excuses for him.

He’s being a controlling wanker.

He’s treating you like crap.

Both those things are not uncommon when a woman has a baby and Is a SAHM, but they need sorting out and fast. As do any money issues, such as not having a joint account you can use freely.

In your position I’d move home and tell him he could join us there IF he could act like a decent human being and not treat me like crap. There’s no way I’d way I’d be living somewhere where I had no independence, no friends and family, for a man who works away a lot of the time and treats me a child/employee/idiot. NO fucking way.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 19:05

People often see controlling men as being caring, and thoughtful and keeping women safe and being concerned for their children. Until too late.

“When DP and I moved to Dublin we talked a lot about routes, transport and safety before and after trips etc. Seems normal to me.”

No, that’s not normal.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/08/2018 19:08

As someone who has lived in Dublin, London, and several cities in the US i can assure you that I found Dublin the worst. I've only had my flat burgled and been mugged in Dublin. That's back in the 80s. I've heard it is much worse now.

Well I guess bad experiences can put you off a place, to be fair. But I don't recognise the city you describe as my hometown! I've been mugged and had property taken in London (not Dublin) and I don't fret about walking around. Also I don't think Dublin is worse now at all - less gritty if anything.

PolkaHots · 02/08/2018 19:21

every time he questions you about how you got somewhere he’s basically saying: “OMG you went OUT!!

Yep.

My ex husband was a teeny bit like this. Also started when I became a SAHM. I think that was because they know it would be harder for you to leave now, so they can get away with more. Eventually he pushed it just a little too far and I left.

KlutzyDraconequus · 02/08/2018 19:32

Tell him Andy, your golf coach, gave you a ride..

Seriously sounds weird to me and I'd tell hi to keep his nose out and stop being a dick head.

Stupomax · 02/08/2018 19:33

I've been living in the US for 25 years. In my experience the not walking is a thing of the past.

Yes I first lived here about 28 years ago and it's definitely changed. Back then downtowns were dying and malls were all the rage. Now downtowns are being rejuvenated, town planning is all about complete streets and walkability, and malls are going bankrupt.

Not that this helps the OP at all I suppose, other than to reassure her that it is actually totally normal and acceptable to walk everywhere, and that many people do it out of choice as well as necessity.

AnoukSpirit · 02/08/2018 19:45

the fact that he's become more like this since you had a baby is concerning. I believe pregnancy/arrival of child is a common 'triggerpoint' where controlling men begin to reveal their true nature.

It’s making you feel anxious about leaving the house in case he disapproves, like you’re a child. That’s not okay, whatever his nationality.

People often see controlling men as being caring, and thoughtful and keeping women safe and being concerned for their children. Until too late.

Having read through all your posts here this is the view I'm left with too.

If he was anxious for your safety, he wouldn't be giving you disapproving/angry looks he would be looking worried.

If he was anxious for your safety he would be making suggestions to enable you to get about and to empower you instead of leaving you anxious whenever you go out because you're worried about his reaction.

If this came from a place of caring he wouldn't talk about you like you're an object he owns and can just put somewhere convenient.

The fact that this is so seemingly trivial yet repetitive and is having a restrictive impact on you (and you reaching a point where you become upset and afraid when you go out is restricting you) is concerning, and it is neither normal or acceptable. The other factors it combines with (the fact it's become worse gradually since your pregnancy, the way he treats you and refers to you in other contexts, the badgering...) concern me.

It might be hard to really know what to think after the conflicted responses you've had here. Although I too am amazed there are people who could possibly read all you've posted and excuse it.

It sounds like your instincts are telling you this is wrong, but you're finding it hard to trust them or know what to do about it.

You don't have to label what he's doing anything if you don't want, although I do think your assessment of it as controlling is accurate. You can do the Freedom Programme online (www.freedomprogramme.co.uk). Might be worth doing so you have some impartial information for you to make your own decision about what's going on and what you want to do about it?

You're not labelling him a "monster" or anything else by gathering helpful information; people who engage in abuse (and controlling people to the extent it causes them distress is abuse) aren't monsters, they're regular people with a mixture of positive and negative traits. Any abuse is a choice they make separately to that.

As a final observation, I found this really quite disturbing:

He say's there's no issue and its a normal question to ask but in my "fucked up head" I think it's sinister, like he doesn't want me to go out.

This is the kind of response you would expect from somebody who was being controlling and abusive, trying to make out you're crazy and undermine your own judgement. Gaslighting is not a normal response to being challenged about behaviour.

For what it's worth I see nothing wrong or "fucked up" about any of the decision making or actions you've shared on this thread, nor in your desire to be able to leave the house without being harassed afterwards for having done so. I don't think how you're feeling about his behaviour is the result of having a "fucked up head", I think it's because you have good instincts and know you don't deserve to be treated like this.

WindsweptNotInteresting · 02/08/2018 19:53

This is high on the list of reasons why I could never live in the US. I haaaaaate the car culture and the unwillingness to walk

Before I moved to the US, I had heard about the not walking thing and thought it was a bit odd and that 'oh, if course I'll walk'

Turns out I realised why people don't walk that much - everything is so far away from each other in some areas, you literally have to drive to go for a walk somewhere. Also, the weather - the winter is very very cold (-15 ish) and the summer very hot 40+). Where we lived, our nearest shops were about 1-1.5 miles away. Apart from the 100m on our street, all the other roads had no pavements so you'd literally be walking along the road with cars whizzing along (clearly not expecting pedestrians!).

So it's a bit unfair to 'ooh, i hate the car culture', assuming it's laziness. The country is huge, and in a lot of areas, it's just not feasible to walk. Many parts of the UK are just so different in comparison.

Of course, there are areas that are more urban and you do see people walking.

Hauskat · 02/08/2018 19:58

Op I really really feel for you. I moved to Suburbian Australia to be with my fiancé and I couldn’t drive. I also couldn’t work. I think the fact I was so dependant on him (or was about to be) changed his attitude towards me somehow. Things like him saying he was going to ‘put’ you somewhere sounds like such a small thing but it does tell you how he is thinking about you. I’ve started to think that maybe you have to have a really exceptionally healthy relationship to survive a power imbalance. For us it really changed things - I had been exceptionally independent before. Anyway I was very miserable and if I could talk to myself back then I would have made myself more friends of my own who could help me put his attitude in perspective. We are married now and back in the uk, it’s 15 years later and I thought it was sort of an anomaly in our relationship but since I had a baby the non compromising attitude sort of returned and now we are in couples therapy and undoing lots of damage which was set all that time ago. I’m not entirely sure I am safe and I won’t feel safe until I can provide for myself. But we do live in my country now and I am talking to my friends about it and he is receptive to the idea that his attitude has been very fucked up and is in therapy and on medication for anxiety. The anxiety prompts the need to control but also just this idea I am a sort of doll he needs to manage and it would be so much easier if I didn’t make that harder for him by being unpredictable. I have real sympathy with his anxiety but should have been more aware about how it was effecting me. Sorry to write all about me but I honestly don’t know if your husband is being weird about walking but there are several red flags you have mentioned. You aren’t working, have a small child and have moved to another place. You are more vulnerable. I think you need to discuss this really openly with your husband and see if he is capable of seeing the situation you are in sympathetically. And if he can be really reflective about how his attitude towards you might have changed. Or I am just projecting a bunch.

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 19:59

I don't think we have enough info to label him controlling, especially as op thinks he has separation anxiety.

OP, do you ever ask him how he expects you to get to the supermarket? Does he want you to get a cab to get across the street?

Are there any other examples of this kind of behaviour, like the 'i'll put you near my family' comment?

pallisers · 02/08/2018 20:03

The walking thing really depends on where you live. We didn't buy a car until 2 years after we arrived and even then, only used it at weekends. I see streams of people walking past my house every day, walking the 20 mins or so to the train into the city. There are generations of people in NYC who never learn to drive because they will never bother owning a car.

If you are in the mid west, you may well live 30 miles or more from a town accessible only by highway or roads with no footpaths. I had a friend in Ireland comment about this urban/rural divide too - his parents had moved back to the country where they had grown up after years of living in suburban dublin. They found going for a walk difficult - small country roads, no footpaths, lots of cars.

Like Windswept says, the weather is another factor. I walk to shops etc in all weathers but I only go for a proper walk as my daily exercise if the weather permits. It is 90 degrees and humid today so I will go to the gym and walk there for an hour.

Anyway, whether people walk or not, the OP's husband is way out of line and needs to get a grip.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 20:18

"I don't think we have enough info to label him controlling"

Oh. I think we do...

SenecaFalls · 02/08/2018 20:23

I remember Bryson saying how it's the norm to drive to one shop, park, do your shopping there, then drive to the next shop and park, and repeat till everything's done - even if the various shops are all in one medium-sized shopping street.

I think Bryson was exaggerating for comic effect here. This is certainly not the norm. In the city I live in, there are several small neighborhoods with streets of shopping, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. The norm is to park wherever you can find it, and then walk, stroll even, to various shops and restaurants.

One important factor, though, regarding walking in the US is whether there are sidewalks. If there are no sidewalks, and you have to walk across busy streets to get places, then walking can be dangerous. The presence of sidewalks indicates a walking-friendly neighborhood.

greyallover · 02/08/2018 20:30

Thank you for your post Hauskat it was very comforting to read that. I know I need to get back to work and make friends and I think it would improve things a lot. I'm desperate to get back to work but without paperwork I just can't legally and it's killing me waiting. I looked into volunteering but then I have nowhere for dc to go and waiting lists for nursery are until sept. I definitely think the anxiety fuels the controlling behavior with him. I can't get him to see it if he doesn't even admit to doing it.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2018 20:36

Bill Bryson on Americans not walking.

I know he is prone to exaggerate but it was so similar to the OP that I have to wonder.

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/brysons-america-why-would-you-walk-1079183.html

5foot5 · 02/08/2018 20:36

I think it is a bit concerning that he wants to "put" you near his family. Does that mean he wants them to be able to keep an eye on you when he is away?

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2018 20:39

However, it would annoy me beyond belief to be harassed about where I am and how I got there. I wouldn’t put up with it.