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Original poster

To have left them alone

119 replies

Karmin · 02/08/2018 09:50

Hi

I really want Mumsnet advice, I don't know if I was wrong and I am fully prepared for flaming.

I am signed off sick at the moment, due to a mental health episode. I work as an admin for children's social care.

Yesterday I was called into an absence meeting, I took my partner in as due to the medication I am on I wanted to make sure that anything important would be remembered. I left the car at 13:58 and we returned at 14:12.

The car was parked in the building carpark outside under the tree, windows left open, they were close to the building where my old team members were. DS2 and 3 were in the car and the dog. The Dog was secured behind a dog guard. DS2 is 10 years old, DS3 is 2. DS2 adores DS3 and I was happy that should DS3 become upset DS2 would have immediately brought him in and come to us as he has been into my work before.

A social worker came to the window during the 10ish minute period and asked him who he was, a social care referral has now been made, my partner was called by my manager this morning to let him know in advance.

I am swinging between tears and anger. I know there is no legal limit to leave a child alone, I thought I had left them in a safe manner, I knew it was going to be a short how are you doing meeting. They were in a car park off the road next to a safe building, where all adults are checked and safe. I thought I had taken every precaution, the dog was secured away from them, so even if he had a random never before seen aggression he couldn't get to them. (He is a puggle)

Was I wrong?

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 02/08/2018 10:00

I wouldn’t have done this, no.

What would happen if the toddler became distressed?
You would be relying on a 10 year old to get him out of the car (possibly kicking and screaming) get him safely across a car park, take him into a building, which might be familiar but where he then has to get someone’s attention to go and find you, and wait while they find you. All the time trying to look after the toddler?
You were only gone for a short time, but you couldn’t have known that you wouldn’t have to wait some time before going in.
Was it hot yesterday where you are? Leaving a child in a car for even a short time is a bad idea when it’s so hot.

Merryoldgoat · 02/08/2018 10:03

Sorry, this really wasn’t acceptable. Your partner should’ve stayed and a colleague accompanied you.

Hidillyho · 02/08/2018 10:04

I wouldn’t have done it personally.
A lot of MN users don’t leave children in cars to pay for petrol (although I do) so I suspect many people will tell you they wouldn’t have done it.

As safe as you thought the car park was it would only take a moment for something to happen. Obviously nothing happened to the children but it was enough time for someone to see what was going on and report to social services

Confusedbeetle · 02/08/2018 10:05

No, sorry to tell you this was not safe for several reasons. Don't stress about it, but listen to the advice you will be given and learn a lesson. This could have ended in tragedy. The fact that you still think it was ok means you need to be made a bit more aware of what could have gone horribly wrong. The children and the dog should have been left at home with a babysitter. No one was safe

StepBackNow · 02/08/2018 10:06

Sorry but this shouldn't have happened.

RestingBitchFaced · 02/08/2018 10:09

A 10 year old should never be left responsible for a toddler, wrong

Popc0rn · 02/08/2018 10:09

Yes you were wrong to leave them in there, could you not have left the dog at home (dogs die in hot cars Hmm), and left your sons somewhere safe in the office, like reception etc? Your partner is half to blame too though.

Original poster
Karmin · 02/08/2018 10:12

Ok thank you, I was wrong I hadn't seen it from that angle

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/08/2018 10:13

I think you were wrong- a toddler a 10year old and a dog in a hot car sounds like a recipe for disaster. I don’t see why you couldn’t have brought them in with you (maybe not the dog) and had them wait in a reception area or something. You knew the meeting, however brief would be more than 5mins.

IdontunderstandPicasso · 02/08/2018 10:16

I’m pretty laid back and will leave my 3 yr old strapped in to pay for petrol etc. I don’t think I would have done this though. I would have felt too mentally removed from them. Popping in to pay for milk or buy petrol is different to completely leaving a situation and having a meeting. You could have been held up or it taken longer than expected. Whether surroundings were safe it still feels like you put total responsibility onto your 10yr old and that isn’t fair.

MsJaneAusten · 02/08/2018 10:20

Okay, you’ve accepted that you made an error in judgement here, but I suspect that doesn’t make you feel much better and that you’re worrying about the referral. So, some things to bear in mind:

  • your dh made that decision with you; it’s not just your error
  • you made the decision knowing your children, their temperaments etc, and can explain why you made the choice you did
  • you’ve asked more people, realised it was probably the wrong decision and won’t do it again

If you’re visited by a social worker, you can explain all of that, discuss any support you may or may not need, and move forward. Until you get that contact, there’s not much you can do, so focus on your own recovery rather than this one instance Flowers

ReginaPhalange89 · 02/08/2018 10:21

I personally wouldn't have even knowing it'd be such a short time. I do leave the kids in the car when I pay for petrol and even that stresses me out when I can see the car from the window.
I'm surprised your husband went along with it as well tbh. If you couldn't get childcare I'd have taken them both in with me, or when asked a colleague to keep an eye on them for 10 mins .

Whereisthecoffee · 02/08/2018 10:21

You were wrong. Especially in front of an office full of social workers.

Aprilsinparis · 02/08/2018 10:22

I understand your feelings, but I wouldn't have left them in the car. I would have taken them inside for meeting, you obviously weren't expecting to be long, your partner was with you, it's not like you would be watching the children, and taking in what was said. Sorry, I know this isn't going to make you feel better, but in my opinion you were wrong.

Jakethekid · 02/08/2018 10:22

You work in children's social care and you thought this would be acceptable? You didn't know how long the meeting would be, sometimes they can go on longer than expected. I wouldn't have thought I would be only 15 mins between stepping out my car and getting back in again.

I'd have thought that working where you work that you would know better and I think your lucky that this hadn't happened elsewhere.

Also I don't understand people's need to take their dog out with them everywhere in a car.

MyBloodyMaltesersAreMelting · 02/08/2018 10:25

Agree with Jakethekid

NWQM · 02/08/2018 10:29

I'm not sure I understand why you say you are angry?

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 02/08/2018 10:30

I think the issue here is that you prioritised your need for your partner to be there with you rather than the more important need for him to be with the children

It's not a hangable offence , I would agree that extreme danger was not on the cards...but for me I feel it's a justified referral based in your judgement and prioritising

You may have wanted your partner with you but he was needed with the children , you could have asked to record the meeting so you didn't miss anything , or write it down . Effectively you put your needs first

Perhaps it's a question of some work with ss around parenting decisions and priorities which could be useful?

DidimusStench · 02/08/2018 10:33

If you work in children’s services, you know this was a wrong move. However, I understand that a poor MH episode can affect your judgement. This was very poor judgement and your partner is as much to blame whichcbis really worrying. You’re going to need to show SS that it was bad judgement and that nothing like that will ever happen again.

You need to find someone to watch your kids and if there isn’t anyone, you need to find someone to support you in meetings at work.

musketeersmama · 02/08/2018 10:34

Sorry but I also would've left the children for 15 mins under these circumstances, knowing how capable my 10yr old is plus the dog was adequately restrained in the boot. I would have sent my partner back out to the children after 15 mins if I was delayed in any way. Good luck.

Nothisispatrick · 02/08/2018 10:35

I can't believe you're asking! In front of an office of social workers too!

Couldn't you have asked for a colleague to sit in and make notes to make sure you got all the info?

TotHappy · 02/08/2018 10:38

I would probably have done that too op. You're not alone.

Myotherusernameisbest · 02/08/2018 10:39

I must be in the minority as I would have left my 10 and 3 year old for 10 minutes in those circumstances.

My 10 year old is very responsible and 3 year old would not have created an issue anyway as generally well behaved. Any issues I know the 10 year old would have brought 3 year old in, same as you mention.

I would not have seen a problem with it. It was 10 minutes and they were in a safe location. Its not like you left them sitting on a bench in the middle of the high street.

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2018 10:39

I’m going to go against the rest here and say that it’s not the crime of the century.

Assuming your 10 year old doesn’t have special needs and given that there were vast numbers of police checked adults around and you were nearby along with other adults your child knew I think people are being over dramatic.

Presumably you didn’t leave the keys in the car. Did you leave the 10 year old with a phone? Then they could call for help without leaving or dragging the little one.

Jakethekid · 02/08/2018 10:39

You said that your 10 year old would brig your younger child in if there was any problem. Does this mean the car was unlocked? My car automatically locks if you walk a distance away and then the alarm goes off.

Obviously you wouldn't do it again but from meeting I have held previously I know that they can go on longer if you are needing to go through sick notes, discussing when you may return or how the company can do anything to help. You could also probably ask for a written copy of what's discussed in the meeting incase you worry that you will have forgotten anything.

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