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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have left them alone

119 replies

Karmin · 02/08/2018 09:50

I really want Mumsnet advice, I don't know if I was wrong and I am fully prepared for flaming.

I am signed off sick at the moment, due to a mental health episode. I work as an admin for children's social care.

Yesterday I was called into an absence meeting, I took my partner in as due to the medication I am on I wanted to make sure that anything important would be remembered. I left the car at 13:58 and we returned at 14:12.

The car was parked in the building carpark outside under the tree, windows left open, they were close to the building where my old team members were. DS2 and 3 were in the car and the dog. The Dog was secured behind a dog guard. DS2 is 10 years old, DS3 is 2. DS2 adores DS3 and I was happy that should DS3 become upset DS2 would have immediately brought him in and come to us as he has been into my work before.

A social worker came to the window during the 10ish minute period and asked him who he was, a social care referral has now been made, my partner was called by my manager this morning to let him know in advance.

I am swinging between tears and anger. I know there is no legal limit to leave a child alone, I thought I had left them in a safe manner, I knew it was going to be a short how are you doing meeting. They were in a car park off the road next to a safe building, where all adults are checked and safe. I thought I had taken every precaution, the dog was secured away from them, so even if he had a random never before seen aggression he couldn't get to them. (He is a puggle)

Was I wrong?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2018 10:43

You shouldn't have done it.

It will be worrying to SS that your Partner is prioritising your wants against the needs of the children. You aren't yourself, but your DP should have made sure the children were looked after. I would wonder (as an ex SW) if there were other incidences were the children's needs were put second, or if there is a recognition that a Mother with MH issues effects the children.

Just take on board what is advised, both of you, that is. It will only be advisory and supportive, for you as a Family.

The SW was duty bound to report what she had seen.

beachysandy81 · 02/08/2018 10:44

I would've probably left the 10 year old and the dog as it was shady with the windows open but I wouldn't have left the 2 year old. 10 year old is probably responsible enough but it is not fair to leave him/her with that responsibility.

FiestaThenSiesta · 02/08/2018 10:46

If I were part of that meeting, I would seriously wonder if it was planned to demonstrate you’re not ready to return to work.

But hadn’t considered the implications this would have on your husband.

EuphoricNight · 02/08/2018 10:47

Why didn't you leave the dog at home?

Glad to see you've realised you've made a mistake. As others have said you'd no idea how long you'd be. You don't leave young DC and a dog in a car in summer for an unknown length of time.

Maybe the sw will just offer advice and check you wouldn't do it again.

Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2018 10:48

Myotherusernameisbest , would you have left your two year old, when your partner was available?

The question generally asked (in the SS 'mind') is, was the reason they had to be left more important than the safety of your primary school age and toddler.

What does the Parent deem more important than the safety of their very young children.

Adults can't make phone calls and think rationally during a crisis with their children etc, how do you expect a ten year old to do the same.

In the case of Parental illness is too much responsibility being put onto a primary school aged child? We encounter primary age school children who are Carers and that shouldn't be happening.

smudgedlipstick · 02/08/2018 10:49

Absolutely not, I don't understand the need people have to take their dogs everywhere with them in the car, why not take the dog home before your planned meeting and take the kids in? I would be very worried if I saw this, and I'm amazed you thought it acceptable in your area of work!

namechangedagainII · 02/08/2018 10:50

Going against the grain. I would have done this too given the circumstances you explained. My 10yo DD is VERY mature and capable of caring for her DB in my absence for short periods. I'd have no concerns.

juneau · 02/08/2018 10:50

You shouldn't have left a 2-year-old in the care of a 10-year-old. I would be seriously questioning your judgement, if I was a social worker. The windows were open. What if someone had grabbed your two-year-old through the window? What if your two-year-old had climbed out or just opened the door and run off? Two-year-olds are not reasonable or sensible and have no sense of the dangers out there. I have a 10-year-old who is very sensible, but no way would I leave a two-year-old in his care. All of you who would leave toddlers in a care with no adult present are utterly irresponsible.

juneau · 02/08/2018 10:51

*car, not care

PuntCuffin · 02/08/2018 10:53

OP has accepted she was wrong. Time to stop putting the boot into someone who has already said she has just experienced a mental health episode. Plenty of us make less than ideal decisions on occasion. I know I do.

Karmin hope you are recovering.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 02/08/2018 10:54

Agree with Notevil , would I have left a three year old in the car, even with a ten year old? No. But does it require a Social Care Referral? No.

spidey66 · 02/08/2018 10:56

Maybe you could have taken the 3 year old in with you, and left the 10 year old with the dog?

Disclaimer: Not a parent.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2018 10:56

It is not solely your fault. Your DH was there, he was presumably aware? He also agreed to do this. He is jointly responsible.

So yes, you were BOTH in the wrong imo.
Your 10 yo might be the most mature child ever but they're still a child, potentially dealing with a meltdown toddler who they have to get out of a car safely, keep hold of, lock car, get across car park, into building etc whilst said toddler tries to escape. It could have had huge repercussions but thankfully didn't.

You AND DH need to take responsibility and move work through this

spidey66 · 02/08/2018 10:58

Sorry, I meant the 2 year old. I misread DS3 as dear son age 3.

FiestaThenSiesta · 02/08/2018 10:59

“But does it require a Social Care Referral? No.”

Why not? OP is signed off with mental health and her husband appears to be prioritising her mental health over providing care for a 2 year old. If a social worker ignored this and didn't make a referral when witnessing this from a desk in his/her working premises, that would be ok? No, it wouldn’t.

EuphoricNight · 02/08/2018 11:00

'Time to stop putting the boot into someone who has already said she has just experienced a mental health episode. Plenty of us make less than ideal decisions on occasion. I know I do. '

As pp said her dp should have prioritised the safety of the DC.

It isn't just about leaving a 10yr old with a toddler. it's the fact it was in a car, in summer, for an indeterminate length of time. But yes, she's realised it was a mistake so presumably isn't angry about the referral anymore.

Haberpop · 02/08/2018 11:02

..."where all adults are checked and safe."

A 'checked' adult is not necessarily a safe adult. It worries me that so many people think that a DBS means someone is "safe" it doesn't, it just means they have offended they have never been caught.

Trinity66 · 02/08/2018 11:03

yeah I'm sorry but have to agree with the others that wasn't the right thing to do

QueenAnchoret · 02/08/2018 11:03

I think the 10 year old was too young to have been left in charge, and I wouldn't, but deserving of a social care referral...probably not. Outside a supermarket for the same amount of time possibly wouldn't have had the same outcome.

PinkHeart5914 · 02/08/2018 11:04

Well I wouldn’t of done it.

Why did you even take the dog? Surely the dog would be cooler and happier at home than stuck in a car?

I wouldn’t of left a child of 2 years in the car either, Yes the 10 year old was there but still a child themselves so should something happen they might not know how to react.

Provided your a good parent and this was a one off, I doubt anything will come from this care referral as they will see you do generally take good care of the dc.

WeirdCatLady · 02/08/2018 11:06

Why on earth are you angry about this? Unless you are angry with yourself and your partner I can see no reason for you to be angry with anyone else.

You left a dog, a toddler and a child alone in a car??? What on Earth were you thinking???

purplelila2 · 02/08/2018 11:06

Tbh you should have known better you work with social services , your partner should have known better .

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/08/2018 11:07

A ten year old should never be left responsible for a toddler, it's completely unfair. Leaving two children and a dog in the car was a huge mistake and thankfully social services stepped in.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 02/08/2018 11:07

I would never leave my daughter alone in the car ever not even to pay for petrol. We had a case locally where some stole a car with a child still sat in the back as the parents had left them there to "pop in" to a shop.

purplelila2 · 02/08/2018 11:10

I don't know if this should be worthy of a referral tbh just sounds like a poor decision which was learnt from. Social services have a reputation for being jobsworths.

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