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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have left them alone

119 replies

Karmin · 02/08/2018 09:50

Hi

I really want Mumsnet advice, I don't know if I was wrong and I am fully prepared for flaming.

I am signed off sick at the moment, due to a mental health episode. I work as an admin for children's social care.

Yesterday I was called into an absence meeting, I took my partner in as due to the medication I am on I wanted to make sure that anything important would be remembered. I left the car at 13:58 and we returned at 14:12.

The car was parked in the building carpark outside under the tree, windows left open, they were close to the building where my old team members were. DS2 and 3 were in the car and the dog. The Dog was secured behind a dog guard. DS2 is 10 years old, DS3 is 2. DS2 adores DS3 and I was happy that should DS3 become upset DS2 would have immediately brought him in and come to us as he has been into my work before.

A social worker came to the window during the 10ish minute period and asked him who he was, a social care referral has now been made, my partner was called by my manager this morning to let him know in advance.

I am swinging between tears and anger. I know there is no legal limit to leave a child alone, I thought I had left them in a safe manner, I knew it was going to be a short how are you doing meeting. They were in a car park off the road next to a safe building, where all adults are checked and safe. I thought I had taken every precaution, the dog was secured away from them, so even if he had a random never before seen aggression he couldn't get to them. (He is a puggle)

Was I wrong?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 02/08/2018 11:57

I wouldnt have done it, not because of any fear of child abduction which is very rare but in case something else happened.

OctaviaOctober · 02/08/2018 11:57

OK sorry, missed the "social care" line.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2018 11:58

Thing is there will be times when it's necessary to cross a road, there was no reason to leave the kids in the car so the balance of risk is different

CherieBabySpliffUp · 02/08/2018 12:08

Where was DS1 in all this?
Could you not have left the other 3 (including the dog) in his charge?
I would have left the dog at home at the very least

EuphoricNight · 02/08/2018 12:15

'agree it wasn’t the best idea. I don’t agree it meets referral criteria.'

Actually maybe you're right. The sw shouldve given them a bollocking and reminded them about DC and pets overheating left in cars.

Maybe the op and dp have been observed doing equally clueless things in the past though, who knows.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2018 12:17

If the OP's timing is exact then it probably doesn't meet referral criteria.

But if her timing is out (which I suspect it is), then perhaps it does.

Only the OP and the Social Worker know that really.

mikado1 · 02/08/2018 12:18

It totally depends on the children and dog imo and the person who knows them best is you so it night have been a reasonable decision. Shady and airy so no worries on that score. My 2yo would have very happily sat with an older sibling in that circumstance, maybe with a book to read and the 10yo knew where to go for help of needed. What are people's fears here? Obviously the social worker who saw them didn't know how long they were/would be there so that's different. I think it sounds like you weighed it up and in fact, they were fine. Read a good article edits recently on modern parents' fears about this sort of thing. Will link.

dingledangledongle · 02/08/2018 12:22

If I was going to do it it wouldn’t be outside a social services office!

Sorry that’s not helpful - I have a 10yo who is very trustworthy and I have left her in the car with younger siblings eg when popping into a shop and when I’ve given them the choice of coming or not so I don’t think YWBU but as I said, I wouldn’t do it outside social services.

mikado1 · 02/08/2018 12:23

Pp's posts about roads remind me of a young boy I've seen 3 times recently walking on path by a very busy road, with his toddler sister. He looks 7/8 but I suppose could be a small 9/10. I thought of her having a hissy fit or running off but he's obviously let/asked to walk her to shop. That is much worse than OP's situation imo.

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2018 12:30

Exactly @mikado1

Perception vs reality, with a big dose of mum shaming.

It’s scaremongering and it isn’t helpful.

Petalflowers · 02/08/2018 12:32

I wouldn’t have left them. Although the meeting was only 15 minutes, you weren’t to know whether it would be late starting, half an hour long etc.

I’m not sure if a social care order was necessary though.

Couldn’t you leave them with a neighnpbour, or in the reception of the offices, or even in another meeting room (and the dog at home).

Hope,you are okay, though.

londonrach · 02/08/2018 12:33

I cant image any mum who do that. So much could have happened. You left a 10 year old in charge. Hope you better op but next time leave your partner with dc.

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2018 12:39

I presume you are all fine with being told what to put or not put in children’s lunchboxes too.

I don’t know how any of my generation are still alive with our parents making their own decisions about our care without all this interference.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2018 12:49

It depends on how you look at that really, Notevilstepmother.

I'm 49yrs old and I can think of tons of parental decisions about care of kids in general, that could have done with 'all this interference' during the 70s.

BlueberryPud · 02/08/2018 12:49

Please tell what crisis you thought would ensue in the space of 10 minutes with 2 well behaved children in a secure car park surrounded by full DBS checked adults

I stepped out of my car once to post a letter. It was summer and the windows were open. My then 8 and 6 year old were in the car, when a freak swarm of ladybirds flew in the window, landing on every surface, including the kids. They both went totally ballistic. I was a few footsteps away and watched it happening. I was on the spot to calmly get them out, reassure them, brush them down and calm them down.
I know that this turn of events is unusual and unlikely, but it happened. If I'd been in a 15 minute meeting inside a building, those two children would have been jumping out of the car, running around and panicking, and most definitely been drawing huge amounts of attention to themselves. Maybe that's not a crisis, but it's something that needs to be dealt with immediately by an adult.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2018 12:51

Then Not surely the same applies to parents who hit their kids, or who withhold food for days as punishment. We should be able to do anything we want to them because they're our property

CardinalCat · 02/08/2018 13:11

Notevilstepmother

It's really hard- there's no doubt that we now raise our children in a culture of fear that didn't exist to the same extent for our own parents/ gps. I mean- I never wore a bike helmet, my dad smoked in the family home, we never wore seatbelts in the back unless on long journeys (where we had a 'booster seat' which would now be entirely illegal/ potential deathtrap) and we often crammed four of five of us into the backseat, we climbed trees with gay abandon etc etc (starting to sound like one of those facebook memes now... Grin)

However, it's just down to absolute luck that I didn't like cycling and my bike gathered dust throughout my childhood, that my family weren't in a serious RTA, and that actually, my two or three tree climbing trips were sufficiently vertiginous to put me off for life. I do have awful asthma that I am sure wasn't helped by my dad's smoking, but they didn't know the dangers in the same way in the 70s.
You have to work with the information that you have NOW. While the OP and her DP's actions don't amount to gross neglect, they were careless on a number of counts- it's bene all over the press given the recent weather that you don't leave kids and/ or pets in a car in this weather, and for that reason alone it is completely shocking that they did (not to mention the other risks- carjacking/ accidents).

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 02/08/2018 13:13

My mum frequently left me age ten with my 2 year old brother when she went to the supermarket - often a full hour I'm sure as it wasn't that close. This in the 80s. My initial reaction to your post was that I wouldn't have done what you did, but then on reflection like I say, my own mother did far more and it was absolutely not an issue - again, I was very sensible and had been a little mother to my brother since he was born (god that sounds Victorian, but I was used to playing with him and looking after him because I wanted to).

So I don't think you're a bad person - you know your children better than they do, but... it was the wrong decision under the circumstances. It's great that you're prepared to reflect on it - shows you're a decent person - hope it blows over and you're better soon.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2018 13:20

Why do people keep saying it was 10 minutes when even the 14 that the OP says, is difficult enough to believe? Confused

Also, were these 'DBS checked adults' asked to keep an eye on the kids while they were working?

If so, you can add another couple of minutes on for that conversation.

cutitout · 02/08/2018 13:23

When I was 10 years old my parents used to leave my younger siblings in my charge for an hour and go do shopping. Youngest was 3. So same as you and I had two more siblings in the middle. I was a very responsible 10 year old and loved my siblings. Plus it was easy to entertain them with tv and popcorn (yes we used to make that ourselves as well) So I think all of the depends on your son's maturity level. I would go against the grain here and say that I would have even left them at home in a safe environment instead of the car which has a high risk of being nicked with the kids in it considering you left the windows open.

Cardiganandcuppa · 02/08/2018 13:27

Both your judgement is really off here. You left a child, a toddler and a dog unsupervised in a hot car.

The referral was warranted. You and your partner need to listen to what they say.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time though.

cutitout · 02/08/2018 13:28

Just remembered that we did have good neighbours who our parents would tell before leaving and would check on us. So may be my parent's didn't trust me that much after all Hmm

Original poster
Karmin · 02/08/2018 13:35

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, it has given me an awful lot to think about, and I agree in hindsight it was the wrong decision.

I can't change that it happened, but I know never to leave them again.

Regarding temperature, it wasn't hot here yesterday.

Regarding distance, it was 12 steps from the car to the door.

None of this excuses what I did, and to the question about angry - I am angry at myself that I was so stupid, that I didn't realise or think there was a risk.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 02/08/2018 13:42

Even parked in the shade with the windows down, it still could have been very hot in the car and you wouldn't have known how long the meeting would have taken. I've spent a lot of time in the car the last few weeks and it really does get very hot very quickly if your not moving. I assume your 2 year old was in a car seat, and depending on the design that could make it even warmer for the child too.

I don't think you or your husband made the right choice, it's not all down to you. I think perhaps your judgement was a little clouded, but now you just need to work with them