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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious or am I overreacting? TW

153 replies

Yetanotherusername1 · 01/08/2018 20:13

I posted this in Chat but got no traffic. Hope it's ok to put here.

Potential trigger warning re: abuse

Hope I have covered bases by posting the TW. I wouldn't want to cause anyone any distress.

Ok, so I have posted about having issues with my dd's friend before and have had lots of really useful advice and I thought I was managing their interactions. I have name-changed because I am a bit paranoid about being outed so please can no-one link to the previous thread. Girl has potential ASD issues and can be a bit controlling but dds and son like playing with her. Child is 8. She has tickled my dd between her legs before whilst playing before and I have had to ask her to not touch my dd down there. Yesterday she did it again. DD ran in and told me immediately as I have taught her to do. The friend ran off and slammed her door which she does whenever she has done something wrong.

I had to talk to her mum which I found EXCRUCIATING and uncomfortable, mainly because I have some trauma in this area. I summoned up the courage and went round and asked for a quiet word. Her mum apologised but didn't seem overly concerned. I asked her to please reinforce with her dd about bodies and where it is ok to touch other children. Mum assures me that she does tell her this regularly and it was probably just her being silly.

I feel quite squicked out about it for a number of reasons. DH said I did the right thing and the kid probably just needs boundaries enforced. I thought I handled it well. Today my dd came in and said the girl, along with another girl, was trying to pull down my younger son's pants. I went out, they were all playing on the grass in front of my house, and talked to one of the girls, who assured me it was just a joke and it was largely because my boy fell over and grazed his thigh which he had. I looked around for my son and realised he had gone down the side of my house, when I walked round he was being manhandled by dd's friend trying to pull his pants down. I shouted at him to come to me. I took him in and chatted to him about what was happening. He burst into tears and said she was trying to see his privates. She specifically asked for him to show it to her. He said stop. I heard him saying stop as I walked around.

I went out and raised my voice. Not insanely, but I did make it clear I was angry and I told both of the girls off. I've kept him inside, but now he wants to go back out and play.

What do I do? Do I put it down to children mucking around or do I have to have yet another conversation with her mum? It seems her mum hasn't reinforced boundaries like I asked at all. Or is this just a child with possible ASD not understanding boundaries?

I feel really angry and tearful. I don't know if I am overreacting because I have some abuse in my past. I'm on my own with both of the kids at the moment and don't have anyone to run this past except here! Any advice greatly appreciated?

OP posts:
SpecialBond · 01/08/2018 20:18

I wouldn't post on an internet forum. Call the NSPCC or social services for advice.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 01/08/2018 20:22

Imo you need to end the friendship. The dm is not managing her dd's behaviour. You need to take control.
Keep you dc away from her.
And I would ring Ss.

It's not normal behaviour, more learned behaviour imo.

soapboxqueen · 01/08/2018 20:22

No. You aren't over reacting. Some children are just curious and see it as a big joke but it doesn't mean it isn't a serious thing.

Reinforce with your children the underpants rule as you have been. Say they were right to say no and that these other children should have listened.

If you feel up to it have another word with this girl's mum. If not ask your dh to. Eitherway I would be stopping them playing together until the mother has suitably addressed the issue.

My ds has asd and doesn't really get boundaries but I've made it very clear what is and isn't acceptable depending on if he is inside or outside the house. I would be actively enforcing that. If you came to me about this my child would either be constantly observed while playing out or he wouldn't be playing with others. This would be for his safety as well at others.

MarcieBluebell · 01/08/2018 20:33

Stop having them over. They seem like bullies and bullies can be your 'friend' too. Kids don't understand the nice to you one minute then trying to humilate you the next. It seems a really horrible dynamic. I'd put a stop to it and invite other children around.

I have no real advice re the sexual behaviour but it's not normal.

greathat · 01/08/2018 20:36

I would keep them away from your children. Are they at the same school? I would mention it there too.

Original poster
Yetanotherusername1 · 01/08/2018 20:47

NSPCC? Really? I have already spoken to the Mum about this and she said she had no concerns, more that she was being silly.

This girl constantly has issues with impulse control and boundaries, particularly physical. She is currently being assessed for ASD, and related sensory issues. With this in mind, should I contact SS?

I know exactly what the Mum will say to me. She will repeat this and tell me she has boundary issues, and that she will talk to her about it. The girl will just tell her that it is not true.

Feeling pretty horrible about it all and entirely uncertain what to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2018 20:51

Regardless of what issues this girl might have, keep her away from your children. Permanently. Her behaviour is very alarming and your children are being abused by her.

soapboxqueen · 01/08/2018 20:51

The NSPCC can give you advice as to what to do.

The mum may shrugging her shoulders as saying 'boundary issues' isn't going to cut it because in a few years 'boundary issues' won't wash with a judge. She's setting her child up to fail.

Just FYI, though all children with ASD are different, my ds wouldn't think to lie about boundaries he's transgressed. He wouldn't think it was a problem.

YouTheCat · 01/08/2018 20:54

Yes, the child has boundary issues and for that reason the mum needs to be keeping a closer eye on her dd. What if an older boy/man sees how she is behaving and takes advantage?

I'd not let your kids play with her unless they are supervised.

Allthatsnot · 01/08/2018 20:59

She may well just have boundary issues however she is effectively abusing your children by continuing when they have clearly said no. From a safeguarding perspective her behaviour rings alarm bells, even with ASD where is this behaviour coming from, it is usual for children who have been abused to behave in an over-sexualised way however some children are just curious and its a play thing whilst they learn. I think ringing the NSPCC is a good idea and maybe have a chat with your local SS hub. I would also stop them playing together, difficult if they are friends but it only takes a second for it to go a step further.

Bobbiepin · 01/08/2018 21:01

Actions like that are indicators of sexual abuse and is something we are told to be aware of in our students. Please call NSPCC for advice. If this is the case, mum is either oblivious or covering. Either way she is not enforcing boundaries with her dc and you must protect yours. End the friendship permanently.

PositivelyPERF · 01/08/2018 21:07

I would be concerned that the child is being abused and her behaviour is being dismissed as being due to possible ASD. Contact the NSPCC for advice and then decide what you should do. In the meantime keep your children away from her. You don’t want her issues to end up damaging your children.

troodiedoo · 01/08/2018 21:11

Protect your children, keep them away from this other child.

Nothisispatrick · 01/08/2018 21:14

Is there a reason she needs to be at your house so often? Stop having her over.

Mehaveit · 01/08/2018 21:17

Don't have her over! If her mum asks why relay this incident and say it had to stop so I put a stop to it.

LyndorCake · 01/08/2018 21:19

I would go speak to the mum and tell her that her daughter is not permitted to play with your children any more and tell her why. If her daughter has boundary issues then that is something the mum needs to address rather than expecting everyone else to accept it.
Protect your children

Ihuntmonsters · 01/08/2018 21:20

Agree with pp, ring the NSPCC and talk it through with them. It doesn't necessarily need reporting to social services but I do think you need more specialist advice on how to handle the situation and also that it would probably help you to process it given your background.

Putting the sexual aspect to one side it sounds as if your son has been bullied by this girl and her friend and I'd want to make it clear to him that you have his back. I'm assuming that the girl is a neighbour and they are playing out which makes it more difficult to manage but it sounds like supervision is required.

EdgeOf17 · 01/08/2018 21:22

I think I remember your last thread, I won't link at your request but I recall you saying that the mum brushes off random 'accidents' etc. She really is minimising every negative trait in her DD. If this is the same OP then you were previously reluctant to stop the children playing. Well now is the time to put a stop to it.

And yes, call NSPCC. She is minimising inappropriate play, this would really distress my 2 DS' (8 and 4) and I would be reinforcing the message that they didn't he right thing and nobody has any right to do this.

Your poor DC Sad

ASD or not, this girl needs to be taught boundaries, and nobody should be making excuses for her

Good luck

ItsNachoCheese · 01/08/2018 21:23

Dont have her over to play with your dc again and id tell the mum that despite you voicing your concerns the incidents have carried on so you will be putting an end to them being around her to keep your dc safe

Allfednonedead · 01/08/2018 21:23

Another parent of ASD DC here, chiming in to say it’s not an excuse. It doesn’t matter why they’re doing it, your DC don’t have to put up with it.
I’m concerned for the little girl, but your priority has to be to protect your own DC from her.
Until either she or her mother makes it clear this won’t happen again, no more play dates.

EdgeOf17 · 01/08/2018 21:24

'they did the right thing'

mustbemad17 · 01/08/2018 21:25

Mum not being overly concerned means jack squat. For all you know she could be abusing her daughter & covering it! ASD is not a reason to allow overstepping of boundaries & neither is the quip 'she thinks its a joke'
Can i ask, if this friend was male & was trying to get your DD to show her privates would you react differently? You seem a little bit aloof about the whole thing imo. The NSPCC will be able to give you some sound advice & will also help you assess if you need to actually report things - for the friend's sake more than anything. But if it were me she wouldn't be around my kids

Larrythecat · 01/08/2018 21:33

You need to stop this. Otherwise you are giving the message to your DS that people can touch him without permission and that's ok. If you brush this off and next year another child/adult in school does this to him, would you expect him to report back or potentially to assume "it's not that bad", because it happened before (several times) and no one reacted that much? He needs to know it's not ok and that people should respect his body.

Topseyt · 01/08/2018 21:33

Put a stop to this yourself and do not allow this child to come round to play with your children.

If she comes the door then tell her your children will not be playing for the foreseeable future because of her poor behaviour the last few times, which you did speak to her and her mother about at the time. Say that you are not prepared to tolerate her bullying of your own children in your own home any longer.

I once had to do this to a particularly troublesome child visitor. An acquaintance of my DD2. This child also had no boundaries.

magoria · 01/08/2018 21:34

This child is starting to abuse your children.This is not a boundary issue.

She has been told not to do it.

She has now at least twice that you know of touched your daughter's privates.

Your son said no. She followed him to an out of sight area and tried to remove his clothing to see his privates despite his protests.

If you do not intervene she will not stop. She will be touching your daughter and son.

No matter what you think of this girl protect your children. Put them first

NSPCC is not an over reaction nor would be contacting SS.