... to ask which childcare option you would choose?

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I have a 3 year old ds and dd is 6 months old. I am a solicitor and work just over an hour's commute from home. We've had a fantastic nanny since I went back to work after ds but she is on maternity leave until next April. I had planned to go back to work in September but I'm now not sure what to do...

Option 1: I take a full 12 months' maternity leave, tack on two months' holiday and go back to work when our usual nanny comes back next April. This is just about doable but would decimate all our savings.

Option 2: We employ a 4 day per week fixed term nanny until April and I go back to work. A new nanny would have ds 1 day per week as he'll be in nursery 3 days per week, and dd 4 days per week. I'm worried about this option as I work 11 hour days and dd is still so small. Also ds is very attached to our usual nanny and will find the transition hard.

Option 3: I use holiday (1 day per week) to work three days per week until next April. Ds does 3 days nursery per week and I'd use two of those days to cover my working days. I'd put dd in nursery 2 days per week as well and my mother would cover my third working day. I think this option might be best as my children are very close to my mum and she visits us every other week anyway. But I'm worried about putting dd in nursery so much. I'm worried about asking so much from my mum as she's 68 (although fit, well and active) and lives 3 hours away. I'm also concerned because my mum would have to stay 2 nights per week for 6 months which might drive dh crazy.

Option 4: we get a two day per week nanny until April. I work three days per week as in option 3 but ds is in nursery 2 days while I'm at work and with the nanny 1 day and dd is in nursery 1 day and with the nanny the other 2 days. I'm not sure how much this option solves as it would still mean a difficult transition for ds. But it might be better for dd than option 3.

What would you do? Are there any options that I'm missing?

@Noopey

That's amazing - thanks so much for your post. So, so helpful and encouraging!!

Maybe your firm is a supportive and progressive firm. Maybe you’ll be able to pick up your career more fully when the kids are bigger. But I’ve rarely seen that happen, particularly in law firms - generally if you re mummy track that’s it, you’re now mummy track. Even if it does you’ll still be churning away generally doing less interesting work (hard to get fast paced work in high end city jobs on less than full time and certainly on 3 days a week) and whilst you tread water for several years you’ll see less talented younger men zoom past you on the premium clients and deals. Who can put in the hours working and marketing that you can’t because you’ve given all the cards to yiur Husband. Maybe this won’t haopen but It is such a familiar tale given thatbprime promotion time collided with later fertile time. Structurally it is crap for women.

I would also carefully review your financial planning. An extra 20k pre tax is likely to give you about an extra 11 post tax/NI/pension etc. But your costs will rise by school fees plus a 5th day childcare for your younger and pre/post school care on the 5th day for eldest and also need for extra 5th day holiday care. That certainly won’t all won’t be covered by your increase unless you have found some extremely cheap school. And I can’t tell you how many people I know in the city who have confessed to me they are stuck in jobs they no longer enjoy because of the heavy weight of school fees and mortgage. They can’t switch to lower paid roles because they can’t afford it and the risk of being let go and the family consequences permanently looms over them

I sound really negative, I know. I have seen post mat leave careers go well for women and also badly. And when it goes badly it is often after the second child. I don’t want that to happen for you and I worry that it will. Make the decisions that are right not just for your family but also for you. Don’t let yourself sleepwalk into just playing second fiddle to your DH.

Over and out.

Gah. Just reread my message. Oh the typos. Think it’s a sign I should go to sleep. I hope it was all understandable. Main mistakes were “worth millions”, not worry millions and “bumpy start back” not whatever I put.

I’m really not saying it’s going to be easy. But it’s 6 months tops of not being an ideal situation. And I guess once you have kids you realise things aren’t always ideal, but some situations are more liveable in then others!

I think I’d be stearing away from heavy use of your parents. It one thing to have them every now and again do a full days cover, another thing entirely to rely on them covering Monday pm to Wednesday am for 6 months.

@EmeraldVillage

Thanks for your posts too! They've been really thoughtful.

Maybe I'm just an optimist. My firm is known for being very good at nurturing and promoting women. Between maternity leaves on a four day week, I did the most unbelievably exciting transactions in an incredible sector for a partner who is an absolute leader in the field. He wants me back ASAP even if it is temporarily on reduced hours. I love my job and I am really quite good at it! I got promoted last time when I'd only been back from maternity leave 5 months because I demanded it! I hope that I won't get sidelined. But if I do I've got awesome skills and great contacts and I'll pick up and start over some where else!

Hmm. That may be the case, and obviously hope it is! But I'm rather alarmed that despite the questions and mentions, you haven't said anything about your DH in all of this. You are the one in this scenario making the compromises, who will be dealing with all the issues that come with raising a family.

You're risking putting yourself under intolerable pressure unless you have him involved properly in this whole process. At the moment, it's you and your DM/DF (and nanny) but no mention about how he's going to get involved to take some of the burden.

And you really have to be prepared for your second child to be different from your first! (Very) hopefully they won't be ill any more often than your first, but you simply can't know this in advance.

So I'll ask you again: have you talked things through with your DH? Or is he just blithely expecting that you're standing to one side, making it all easy for him to the partnership while you're trying to deal with your own return to work as well as all the 'wifework' that comes with raising a young family?

Various things came up? £40k worth of things?!

“I don't really feel like our situation is that bad for two parents in their very early 30s.”

No but most parents in their early 30s don’t plan to send their children to private school from age 4.

DH and I are parents in our early 30s, we have managed maternity leave (on Maternity Allowance only) and part-time work (DH 4 days and me 3 days) without burning through £40k savings.

@namechange30 arent you just amazing! Did i miss the part where the OP asked who has better financial planning than she does or who has managed better on mat leave?

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore i understand totally you want her back and i know the value of an amazing nanny I am currently at home because our amazing Nanny left in march and the replacement didnt work out (kids said she shouted and got upset when we left) despite full qualifications and 15 years experience.

I meant your Nanny is lucky to have you and Whilst I appreciate you are lucky to have your Nanny i dont think her coming back on the same terms is fair. She is no longer offering you the same package as she will have her dc. But you have adjusted her wage accordingly!

@NameChange30

I didn't burn through £40k on maternity leave!! I spent about £10k on 13 months maternity leave and that was covering bills and stuff. We had to buy out my dh's ex's interest in a property... that's what killed our savings.

And as for your concern about putting our children through private education from 4 years old, that's a huge part of the reason that I went back to work. Once I'm back on a five day week, we'll have two six figure incomes. And we don't have a new car or foreign holidays so we should be able to pay two sets of school fees, I think.

@BIWI

Basically, yes. At the moment I am looking after the children and sorting my return to work. But dh does do a lot domestically and is almost never home before 10ish during the week. The split works for us at the moment especially as I want to be around as much as possible for the children.

L'Oréal, your patience with some of these rude and intrusive posts is amazing. Are you any closer to deciding what to do yet? (I'm still not so secretly rooting for your mum!).

I was totally going to say have your mum do one day until I saw she lives 3hrs away- that’s way too much to expect of her & way too much risk for something to go wrong
I would go for option 4 - the 2 day nanny as that seems to be a better option for you ...

Thanks @Bluelady! I'm not known for my patience!

I spoke to my mum last night and expressed the concerns raised by this thread... we're both thinking about it! I would still love my mum to help look after the kids and she would too. Im wondering about taking the kids to her every third week and spending two nights there as I can commute to London from her house and then having dh do the childcare every fourth week... so mum would only be coming to my house 2 out of 4 weeks...

Your mum may be amazing - some are. Mine, however, said she would do a day a week caring for my first child, distance of 1.5 hours. That lasted about 6 weeks before she said it was too much for her. Then she moved a lot closer (10 min drive) and did some Mondays for us for child 2 after DD started school. Again, after a couple of months she said it was too much. Bear in mind, she was 51 at the time and not working. Your mum is a lot older and may be underestimating the drive - 3 hours each way is a LOT!

How is that things are so precarious financially given you are both high earners? And childcare should be a shared expense, not just coming from your salary.

Can you ask your nanny if she's willing to consider coming back sooner - only 1 day a week? Then you could take a longer ML and then go back to work 3 days plus use nanny & nursery for few months. Worth checking.

Personally I would use the savings. Isn't that why people have savings for things like this? Yes you would need to cut back, but only for a short while. You also get the benefit of spending the additional time with the kids.

You can always resave after your back in work.

Asking you Mum to travel 3 hours each week is a massive ask. It would also involve a big cost for her; fuel, wear and tear on the car etc. Also your buggered if she ends up ill and can't travel for a few weeks.

Alternatively what about other nursery's? And move both children to the new place?

Option 2

A temp nanny will be fine. I’ve done roles like this - before my dd. Now I only work nights as a maternity nanny

Seems like your nanny will come back - if brought new car etc but how long is she having off and what age will her baby be alongside yours