... to ask which childcare option you would choose?

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I have a 3 year old ds and dd is 6 months old. I am a solicitor and work just over an hour's commute from home. We've had a fantastic nanny since I went back to work after ds but she is on maternity leave until next April. I had planned to go back to work in September but I'm now not sure what to do...

Option 1: I take a full 12 months' maternity leave, tack on two months' holiday and go back to work when our usual nanny comes back next April. This is just about doable but would decimate all our savings.

Option 2: We employ a 4 day per week fixed term nanny until April and I go back to work. A new nanny would have ds 1 day per week as he'll be in nursery 3 days per week, and dd 4 days per week. I'm worried about this option as I work 11 hour days and dd is still so small. Also ds is very attached to our usual nanny and will find the transition hard.

Option 3: I use holiday (1 day per week) to work three days per week until next April. Ds does 3 days nursery per week and I'd use two of those days to cover my working days. I'd put dd in nursery 2 days per week as well and my mother would cover my third working day. I think this option might be best as my children are very close to my mum and she visits us every other week anyway. But I'm worried about putting dd in nursery so much. I'm worried about asking so much from my mum as she's 68 (although fit, well and active) and lives 3 hours away. I'm also concerned because my mum would have to stay 2 nights per week for 6 months which might drive dh crazy.

Option 4: we get a two day per week nanny until April. I work three days per week as in option 3 but ds is in nursery 2 days while I'm at work and with the nanny 1 day and dd is in nursery 1 day and with the nanny the other 2 days. I'm not sure how much this option solves as it would still mean a difficult transition for ds. But it might be better for dd than option 3.

What would you do? Are there any options that I'm missing?

@Bluelady

Well..: maybe a bit!

Mum lived with us for 6 weeks earlier this year due to complications around dd's birth and by the end, my sanity was fragile! But that was 6 solid weeks and, as you say, they would only actually be in the same house for a few hours two evenings a week. And as dh isn't helping with childcare, he only gets a limited day.

*say.

Looking at it from the children’s perspective, I would go with option 3. They will be together at nursery (I know they’re only little but still), and your mum is family. It would also pave the way for your nanny not coming back, although it sounds like she will. That said, if Dd settles well, you may choose to keep her in nursery and cut nanny’s hours, if it works for you and she wants more time with her baby. You’ll also not deplete your reserves.

Option 2. Your ds will be fine.

You don’t want to be in option 1. I guarantee I’m that situation something will happen (the car, boiler etc) and you’ll be back to work ASAP.

All the other options sound complex. If you use up holiday you also won’t be able to take a week or 2 off.

Your ds will be fine. Easier for them to adjust when they are little.

My thoughts entirely, Lorela. He's putting the responsibility for finding a solution on you, so what you say goes.

Option 1 does make me very nervous. Dh wants to make it more feasible by cutting other expenses but I can guarantee that I'll be the person cutting things that make my life easier as HD's expenses are pretty fixed (season ticket etc.)

I'm leaning towards option 3... but I'm also worried about how much I'd be asking if my mum.

Option 1 for me.

I did exactly this and was surprised how much i have loved it.

You are in a good profession I imagine a Hugh earner and a full time nanny doesn’t come cheap!

I am sure you have done the maths a full time nanny for me
Meant I had to earn 500 a week to pay the nanny before I started. Add a cleaner onto that and then I paid someone to look after my horse too I hardly notice the lack of income as doing all the jobs myself!

I make £2k per month after I've paid the nanny. I could cut a lot of stuff... cleaners, gardener, kid's swimming lessons, ballet lessons, sky tv, phones, cheaper clothes, shop around for better insurance etc.) But even then I think I'd still be eating into £10k savings... which incidentally were £20k before they were used for my first unpaid maternity leave. 😬

How far off do you think your husband is from making partner? Maybe he fouled move to a smaller firm as a partner-how would this affect his salary? How committed are you to your career? You may want to consider moving to a regional fi to avoid commuting for example. Re the £10k savings I wouldn't worry about it too much. Its not that much money to spend and can easily be borrowed if you need to fix your boiler or something.

Option 1 every time. You are both in highly paid professions. Cut back a bit and build up your savings again when you go back to work. Short term childcare options will be confusing for the kids.

6 weeks solid is very different to 2 evenings a week!

@Racecardriver He's aiming for partnership next April but with Brexit and whatnot, I'm not that hopeful. I do understand he has to try though. He's already made the move to a smaller London firm for partnership. One or both of us may redirect to a regional firm or in house jobs in the future but planning that will take time.

@happinessiseggshaped

In theory we could build up savings again but by next September I'll be trying to pay for a nanny and private school fees. 😬

Why are you paying the nanny and not your DH? Why do you see ballet lessons, cleaner, gardener etc as your expenses?

What kind of work does he do? By and large lawyers do better during periods of economic stagnation/recession. If he is in insolvency for example you can expect to do really well. My iwm husband has been increasing the number of insolvency cases he does ever since the referendum. It may be worth having a sit diem discussion about the direction you see your careers taking and then go from there. Your planing seems to have an element of panic and short sightedness. It would be wisest to choose a childcare option that best suits your future career plans.

Wait: you’ve got a gardener, sky tv, don’t shop around for insurance etc? These things are more important than the best childcare you can afford?! When you said you’d be depleting your reserves, I thought they were hard won and you were financially living to the bone.

I change my mind in that case. Option 1 and reign in your expenses so as not to deplete your savings. You’ll build that reserve back up again once you start working, and unless they’re going to private school, once the youngest is at school full time.

I would do the first option as long as I was sure I was reasonably sure your original nanny was returning. The stability will be great and your daughter will benefit from additional bonding time.

“There's nothing wrong with nurseries for tiny babies”

No, but a 7-8 month old is not a “tiny baby”!

Oh they are going to private school. Well, you’ve got years ahead of learning to cut your cloth. You’d ask your 68yo Mum who lives 3 hours away to stay at yours two nights a week to cut childcare costs, but haven’t thought to reign in your luxuries, or are considering putting a 6mo baby into nursery instead of staying at home with 1-2-1 care.

There are posters on here who really, really struggle. Two lawyers, one on the cusp of partnership and probably earning a decent whack if he’s only just left a larger London firm for a smaller one, and you’re choosing between gardener/sky tv/being lazy with your finances versus the best childcare for your child.

Smh.

@Racecardriver

Unfortunately dh's sector is a bit niche and it's hard to tell what will happen post Brexit.

I would absolutely go for option 1. Continuity is so important when they are little. Chop and change arrangements can be very damaging and stressful, to both children and parents. (I have personal experience of this)

If you decide to go for nursery, then I would make the nanny redundant, as constant change would not be helpful. If you have a good nanny then you would be mad to lose them though.

If you want to send them to private school then surely option 1 isn’t even an option.

I do think you should be more sensible with finances anyway, and cut back on the non essential things, shop around etc.

@Plumsofwrath

We could cut luxuries but would still end up eating into savings. Ds wasn't planned and we'd just taken on a whacking great mortgage amongst other things so we are over extended. Paying a nanny £36k a year has also been tricky for two years. My salary has only just gone up to what it is now as I only just made senior associate and when ds arrived, dh took a huge pay cut to move to a smaller firm so he could have more time at home.

Option 4. I would say option 3 but your mum lives 3 hours away and could be unreliable. I don't think having your mum stay over 2 nights a week is fair on her or your marriage.
The kids will adjust to the new routine. I think staying in work (even part time) will be better for your career long term.

Personally I would do option 1 if you actually want to be off (and be prepared to use the credit cards if the boiler breaks down or whatever) or option 2 if you actually want to go back to work. Anything else will be messy and high stress. And I bet you’ll bear the brunt of it if your mum gets ill or when the kids can’t go to nursery because if a cold etc.

But can I also echo previous comments around sharing between yourself and DH? Just because he is trying to make partner doesn’t give him a complete get out of jail free card In terms of responsibility for your kids. Believe me when I tell you that working dads in jobs like this practically get a round of fucking applause when they say they have to leave for childcare once or twice a week. Do not allow your career to get completely sidelined because of his - once you are it will be very difficult to get back. And also don’t believe that once he has met partner you cAn all breathe - it doesn’t work like that as the pressure just ramps to bring in work, deliver more etc.

Sorry if that sounds rather blunt but I have seen too many good female lawyers make accommodations for their spouse who is a bit ahead of them profession wise and then find out too late the cost to their careers.