To ask why younger women flirt with married men

[paraglidingidiot]

Seen a lot on here lately about younger women flirting with older married men (often work colleagues).

This is also the case in my work, there is a woman in her twenties who is all over the 30/40 y/o married men. What's the deal with this? Why do they do it? I can never understand why they wouldn't want to flirt with men their own age who are single if they want to find a man. Can anyone explain it to me!

Also this particular woman does not just flirt with one married man at work, but several!

I stand by my comments. Seen it too many times

IME a lot of women that age that I've worked with flirt with everyone. But.... When you are in your 20's, men the same age have absolutely no conversation. Also, if you are a bit green or rather vulnerable older men seem urbane & worldly wise which appeals. Add in Daddy issues and older men who take general flirting as a green light for something more & need the ego boost of a younger woman, well there you go.

chaoscategorised

I've name changed for this because I'm not proud of it - but I did this a lot when I was younger, especially at work. I felt powerful and I liked the reaction I got. I never intended it to go anywhere, nor did it. And I should clarify, I have no idea if these men were married as such, just that they were older and I liked the attention of being able to 'control them'. I would never deliberately choose to flirt with a man because he was married, that's weird. But people flirt to get their own way all the time - I was just doing it to keep myself amused more than anything. I think there's a difference between flirting and hitting on someone and if I'd felt that a man was interpreting it as an actual come on, I'd have stopped - that would have made it boring

And that is my point about some people making it a game.

The problem is when the other party fall for the games and start thinking it's more than a game and in turn ruin their own lives/family for someone who was all along playing a game regardless of gender/sex it's a just game to them.

Not all the time sometimes it is because the other party have money, power, nice cars.

But the reality is never as good as the game itself.

I forgot to say in pp, a lot of the married men I worked when I was younger were predatory to say the least. I was incredibly naieve,very inexperienced with men & grieving for my Dad. The married guy I worked with totally exploited that & he did the flirting. I was at rock bortom:and he made it worse.

Also agree with pp who said being told you are 'every man's fantasy' when you are riddled with insecurities is intoxicating, heady stuff. Men your own age don't view you like that/say stuff like that. Men my age just made snide comments about my height. Serial cheats often have an OU degree in what makes women tick. He'd never been faithful, it was "everyone does it & what she doesn't know etc".

I have seen recently the 'internalised misogyny' line trotted out several times on mumsnet to rather patronisingly explain to other women why their views on certain topics were 'wrong'

I don't think it's patronising to point out when someone is being misogynistic.

When someone types this: They're disrespectful, selfish, gold-digging, slags, who probably don't have great self-confidence either and possibly "Daddy" issues, they're both misogynistic and wrong.

I have no experience of seeing younger women flirting with older men as some kind of 'demographic given' as the OP suggests. I do however know of many young women being propositioned by older men, made to feel uncomfortable if they do not act in ways that such men find appropriate and of predatory married men actively pursuing younger women in the workplace. It seems in their mock outrage, the OP has forgotten that relations between younger women and older men can be as much about issues of power and oppression as they are about willing participants.

And ShesgotBette totally agree with your comments.

I work in a team with older male barristers and solicitors. I have seen some pretty cringeworthy attempts at flirting by the young females on work experience or in junior roles.

Whereas here, right now, we have the exact opposite going on.

Law firms being brought to task because of a pervasive culture of partners sexually harassing young (female) clerks. Young women's careers ended, due to the behaviour of partners and those in senior roles.

https://www.russellmcveagh.com/insights/july-2018/dame-margaret-bazley-s-review

That’s really interesting, Cuntess. The findings section of Bazley’s report is applicable to the majority of firms I’ve worked in.

They're disrespectful, selfish, gold-digging, slags, who probably don't have great self-confidence either and possibly "Daddy" issues

Wow. It must be a tough old life for these vulnerable 40 year old men, being unwillingly seduced by manipulative young slags with Daddy Issues.

I'm certain they do Scrumpy - this particular forms seems to be unfairly singled out, when I suspect it applies not only to law firms, but similar employer structures across the board.

*firm

Can't the two different theories expressed in this thread co-exist?

There are some young women that actively target older, married men in the workplace

AND

There are some older men that abuse their position of power in the workplace to harass young women.

I don't know why the existence of one precludes the existence of the other or quite frankly why a discussion about one aspect has to be hijacked completely by the other.

Totally agree with you @Bumpitybumper.

People seem to have hijacked the thread to be talking about something totally different to what I was talking about: I have never said the phenomena of older men targeting younger women wasn’t a thing also.

I'm not young but I'm decades younger than the retired partners who chase me, Benny Hill style, round the tables at the Christmas party trying to put an avuncular hand on my arse.

I like my job too much to tell them to fuck off. So I move out of the way, and turn to talk to others.

But I'm genuinely worried about actual young women, full of free booze, being targeted by these ageing pervs. They may be too drunk or lacking in confidence and end up being abused.

That's the dynamic I see. No doubt if one of them caved in to the advances of one of the old gits, the guillotine knitters on here would tut about what a little homewrecker she was.

Because the question in your OP is a silly one.

You've obviously got a bee in your bonnet about a couple of women at your workplace.

The men in your scenario are perfectly able to cut this behaviour down - IF they wish to do so. Assuming they're not bumbling fools, which given their seniority, can't possibly be the case.

The issue is much more widespread the other way around - and those on the receiving end are more vulnerable, and certainly less-securely placed to shut it down.

The thread has run the way it has, because people have inevitably picked up on that.

I think some people on this thread are confusing flirting with being charming. Flirting has sexual undertones. If you're flirting with babies you should probably be in prison.

I said it earlier and I'll say it again -
1 in 5 women are sexually harassed in this country
85,000 women raped a year

These are facts, and the perpetrators are almost exclusively men. Men are the problem when it comes to harassment. Not women.

It never ceases to amaze me that people get angrier at the thought of a woman 'grabbing' a man's money, but they don't give a shit when men grab women's bodies. It seems some people think the bank accounts of men are of more importance than the bodies of women. I just never thought I'd see it on MN.

I don't know why the existence of one precludes the existence of the other or quite frankly why a discussion about one aspect has to be hijacked completely by the other

Well. Because of this: 1 in 5 women are sexually harassed in this country. 85,000 women raped a year. These are facts, and the perpetrators are almost exclusively men. Men are the problem when it comes to harassment. Not women

You cannot discuss one without acknowledging and discussing the looming, sinister, dark shadow of the other.

Me in my 20s: I like to chat with men as well as women. I like a bit of banter. Married men feel 'safe' because they won't get the right idea and think I fancy them/am flirting/etc. They also are generally a bit more mature and on my level.

I haven't read all the thread (too long!). I'm sure there is all the stuff I've written above and more.

One thing I would say is there is a slightly disturbing dialogue in popular fiction around the more powerful/rich/older men. In fiction they are single. In reality they are usually married. But that dialogue is nothing new - the gentry were banging their maids before execs were banging their secretaries etc etc. The worrying implication in the OPs thread is the implication is the fault of the usually naive/younger/less empowered women above the poor victim of her charms.

Lol 'right idea' - not a fraudian slip I promise

I really don’t think it’s that common for young women to be terribly excited by older married men. Some women go for men with money and power. They tend to be older and married. How many women in a senior position at work are keen on these “older married” men? How many women are keen on older married men with entry level jobs?

The idea that young women are routinely throwing themselves at older married men cos they are just so exciting is baws.

I (as a person in my late 40s now) see an amount of this in software/technology sector over many years. There are relatively few women (but that is changing a little in recent years) and lots of men.

These women have super interesting (but challenging) jobs, they are well paid, many opportunities to learn and grow, and are well paid. And, in theory a large pool of potentially suitable similar age partners.

So why? One possible reason I see is that sometimes the older men as admired in some way. For example, they might be very knowledgeable, know how to handle work/life pressures better, have a more mature outlook and perspective...and just be better more interesting people to spend time with. And some of this affection/attraction is expressed as flirting? There is really a huge overlap between work and out-of-work, blurring of boundaries in successful tech companies. It's a work-life hybrid. You don't switch off at home, always contactable, etc.

I've seen this first hand many times (a "classic" case evolving in our project team right now!), and it is so obvious. Mostly it stays as flirting, sometimes it becomes a work wife/husband thing, sometimes an EA, and sometimes more than that.

@SheGotBetteDavisEyes
There are numerous threads already on this forum about harassment and rape so it's not like they've never been discussed before. Acknowledgement of these issues on this thread is one thing and justified, but I think some posters have tried to hijack the OP's thread and make it completely about these things. OP's thread may well be about a less important topic and it may be that she is talking about something that is less widespread but it doesn't mean that posters therefore should do all they can to divert conversation onto something they would rather talk about or deem more worthy. If you want to talk about rape/harassment then start your own thread.

I'm 27 and I've never flirted with an older married man. Too dull for me. But then I'm not into money/security, I usually go for broke free spirited guys with ishoos.

Attention, desperation, self confidence issues, jelousy, ego.

Also works both ways. Plenty of sleazy old men dressed up in suits.