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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why younger women flirt with married men

163 replies

paraglidingidiot · 31/07/2018 22:24

Seen a lot on here lately about younger women flirting with older married men (often work colleagues).

This is also the case in my work, there is a woman in her twenties who is all over the 30/40 y/o married men. What's the deal with this? Why do they do it? I can never understand why they wouldn't want to flirt with men their own age who are single if they want to find a man. Can anyone explain it to me! Confused

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 01/08/2018 11:25

Lots of internalised misogyny on this thread

Or maybe, just maybe, other peoples lived experiences and observations differ from your own?

PaintedHorizons · 01/08/2018 11:26

Ah - I see that I may have unwittingly made the "jealous older woman" stereotypical assumption. Didn't mean to - I don't feel that way and nor do the women I know - but I can see that I gave that impression.

(And my own experience was exactly that!!! )

Also I think that if your husband and house etc is so much of who you are then you are vulnerable. It is far more about women being socially and financially dependent on men than anything else.

Original poster
paraglidingidiot · 01/08/2018 11:33

Woah. Thanks for all these replies - enlightening how these threads sometimes turn out!

I am not suggesting in any way that all young women flirt with married men, and know that this is in the minority. The thread was simply questioning why some women do.

Also, people who say this doesn't happen, I have first hand evidence it does from my workplace. And I am not trying to villainise these women. One of the young women who I work with is a very nice, competent, hard working and friendly colleague, but she seems to enjoy running around after married men and it has caused questions from their wives (who also work with us)... and it just made me wonder... why is she doing it, I am sure she could easily find a man her own age... why make things difficult for herself.

I am sorry if the thread has caused sexism/misogyny! This was not my intention at all. Simply just after another perspective.

And those who talk of age are correct, it is not to do with age (of the man), I am talking about women flirting with married men, predominantly.

Thanks again for your interesting insights.

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 01/08/2018 11:36

Personally I think it makes you feel wanted, to a fellow 25 year old you're 'average' but to a 40 year old you're his dream and amazing etc !
I also think that young people, who have never been married or had kids, don't really know the impact they're having on these families - I think there is less guilt

kaytee87 · 01/08/2018 11:42

Honestly? I've noticed far more older married men flirt with younger women than I've noticed the other way around.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 01/08/2018 11:45

I think the question should be why do unavailable people flirt with single people.

ScrumpyCrack · 01/08/2018 11:45

I work in a team with older male barristers and solicitors. I have seen some pretty cringeworthy attempts at flirting by the young females on work experience or in junior roles.

Some of the men bite and it’ll pass around the office that the female is getting special treatment, so being taken on posh working lunches, leaving early, assisting on the larger cases etc.

It works the same way for the more experienced female members when a new male junior comes in too. Except it usually involves less obvious flirting and more brown nosing.

People think flattery gets them places, and in some cases it does.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/08/2018 11:46

Lots of internalised misogyny on this thread

Or maybe, just maybe, other peoples lived experiences and observations differ from your own?

It's no excuse for misogyny though, is it?

MaisyPops · 01/08/2018 11:48

One of the young women who I work with is a very nice, competent, hard working and friendly colleague, but she seems to enjoy running around after married men and it has caused questions from their wives (who also work with us)
My first thoughts on this would be is she actually 'running around' after married men, or is she a polite and friendly person who is good at their job, good at getting on with everyone and some nasty women have decided to start spreading gossip about her or planting seeds because it makes them feel better about themselves and their marriages? After all, it's very easy to blame a friendly young colleague and stir about her than it is to address whatever issues exist within their marriage (probably also the type who's forgive infidelity because their poor DH was hounded by these young temptresses and he couldn't resit, he was too nice, too trusting and got sucked in etc).

NothingOnTellyAgain · 01/08/2018 11:51

OP

What specifically does she do that is "running around after married men"?

Not being funny I've genuinely not seen this type of behaviour in any of my jobs so I'm not sure what sort of behaviours it is.

FWIW I am smiley and jokey and have always had a lot of male friends, as well as female friends, of all ages. Maybe when I was younger people looked at me like this, which might be why I've never seen it in others (what I see as friendly, others interpret as flirting?). Don't know. I do know that loads of men think you fancy them when you don't (ego) and this is a real problem.

LeighaJ · 01/08/2018 11:54

I'm a misanthrope, not a misogynist. You'll find my opinion of men equally low.

I probably should have added that I don't care what age the women who do this are, I've seen just as many older women do it as younger ones and ones who were also married themselves. My opinion of men (married or single of any age) who do this with married women of any age is the same as well.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 01/08/2018 11:58

And yet you've still only aimed at women.

"Oh no I don't like men either but let me tell you more about how young women are selfish gold digging slags etc etc"

NothingOnTellyAgain · 01/08/2018 12:01

After that post, to claim that actually it applies to everyone is a feeble cop out.

You call middle aged men "gold digging slags" on the regular do you? Pull the other one.

LeighaJ · 01/08/2018 12:01

Because I was responding to the thread title and OP. Hmm

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 01/08/2018 12:02

It's no excuse for misogyny though, is it?

Nope

I have seen recently the 'internalised misogyny' line trotted out several times on mumsnet to rather patronisingly explain to other women why their views on certain topics were 'wrong'.

LeighaJ · 01/08/2018 12:03

I know 2 men who are gold diggers, only one is a slag, word has it the other one has ED. They are leeched on to my family members.

chaoscategorised · 01/08/2018 12:04

I've name changed for this because I'm not proud of it - but I did this a lot when I was younger, especially at work. I felt powerful and I liked the reaction I got. I never intended it to go anywhere, nor did it. And I should clarify, I have no idea if these men were married as such, just that they were older and I liked the attention of being able to 'control them'. I would never deliberately choose to flirt with a man because he was married, that's weird. But people flirt to get their own way all the time - I was just doing it to keep myself amused more than anything. I think there's a difference between flirting and hitting on someone and if I'd felt that a man was interpreting it as an actual come on, I'd have stopped - that would have made it boring, iyswim?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 01/08/2018 12:13

Isn’t just part of human interaction

I think far often playful banter or someone is being charming but both these can be flirting if there is some attraction between them but even if there is it doesn’t mean anything

lapenguin · 01/08/2018 12:36

A bit of harmless banter makes a boring day a little more fun
As long as there is no intent on either side

starcrossedseahorse · 01/08/2018 12:39

They're disrespectful, selfish, gold-digging, slags, who probably don't have great self-confidence either and possibly "Daddy" issues

Fucking hell what a disgusting comment.

Bizzylizzyloo · 01/08/2018 12:57

It's a safety thing isn't it? Be a bit too charming and chatty to a man your own she and you could well end up having to dodge unwelcome advances. But with an older man you feel like it's so clear nothing is going to happen, you can be a bit more relaxed (which is often seen as flirtation).

Obviously there are some younger women who are specifically attracted to older men but I think they are more rare.

Safeandwarm · 01/08/2018 13:11

I’ve seen 2/3 women in their 20s humouring an older creepy man, who wasn’t married, and thought he could somehow ‘get’ the young pretty girls at work (who were all in relationships iirc).

I have also seen a married man flirt relentlessly with a younger colleague who had a crush on him. I wondered if it had gone further, but the power was all his, he seemed to really enjoy stringing her along.

I have also seen young women flirt with older men in the office in order to advance their careers. I doubt anything actually happened- though who knows. It works anyway.

I used to think this was disgraceful, but now I see I’m just too idealistic and not very clever. I spent my young gorgeous days not even humouring the creepers of the world, now I’ve gotten nowhere in my career. It’s good to be idealistic, but it doesn’t put food on the table.

Original poster
paraglidingidiot · 01/08/2018 14:36

To clarify the ‘running around after married men”

I mean spending lots of time with them at work, doing lots of jobs for them (when there are other colleagues which could do them!), little things like winding them up, bantering, going on their work computers and editing things (to annoy/flirt), visiting them at lunch times, touchy feely stuff like putting arms round them, rubbing their shoulders, generally always seem around them,

Also texting in the evenings (one of my friends is the wife of one of the men I am talking about) about banal stuff including vaguely flirtatious messages

Also admitting to a couple of people she has a bit of a “crush” or that she is flirting

So not hitting on, I don’t think she has any intention of stealing them off their wives, but I just wonder why she does it as people talk about her and it creates animosity with their wives!

Please tell me if you don’t thInk the above is flirting? But that’s the way I see it!

OP posts:
PaintedHorizons · 01/08/2018 15:11

So that's one woman who fancies one man who happens to be the husband of a friend of yours.

People enter and leave relationships all the time for a myriad of reasons - yet you want to blame a young woman - demonise her.

I think no-one owns or can "steal" anyone else. Every relationship is a mutual agreement between two people. If one person chooses to leave or stray or whatever , it really is only up to the people involved.

Original poster
paraglidingidiot · 01/08/2018 15:20

That is a specific example, yes, because posters asked; but there is more of this at my work and more widely I have seen it happening... so yes that's one example but not what I am basing this all on!

OP posts: