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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want new partner to get their own place

105 replies

needmyspce · 29/07/2018 23:36

Have name changed for this as it could be a bit outing in combination with my other posts.

Met new partner (well I’ve known them on/off for decades but we reconnected) last year. Everything was lovely, lots of nice dates on nights when DD was at her dads. He is very kind and treats me very well. Bit of a whirlwind romance. He met DD after about 6 months.

However, before we got together he was about to leave the country for work (self employed so not necessary but I think he had become bored of our town). After we met, he made the decision to stay. He had given up his rented flat and was staying with friends short term until he left. Obviously he didn’t leave so couldn’t stay with friends indefinitely and began spending more and more time at mine.

Then he started bringing some of his stuff out of storage and bringing it to mine. Before I knew it he was in my house all the time and more and more stuff kept appearing. I must say before anyone pulls the cocklodger card that he contributes by buying most of the food for the house and paying for us to go on quite an expensive holiday that I would never have been going on otherwise as I just don’t have that sort of money. He has also offered money to help with bills but despite struggling I don’t want to take it (for reasons given below).

I’m finding this really hard. I was single for 2 years before this and really enjoyed my own space and I am finding it really suffocating. Not helped by the fact that he works from ‘home’ and is always in my house!

He hasn’t really done anything wrong and is a very kind and gentle man and I do care about him a great deal. However I really didn’t sign up to live with anyone and I want my own space back. How do I tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live without hurting his feelings and making him think I want to end the relationship? Holiday is next week but I really can’t keep this in anymore as my sanity is suffering! He is going through a bit of a dry patch with work as well at the mo so he’s a bit down about that and also doesn’t really have the cash to find another flat... which makes me feel even more guilty.

Please be gentle with me as I already feel like I’m being a heartless bitch!

OP posts:
Original poster
needmyspce · 30/07/2018 00:03

Any advice anyone?!

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 30/07/2018 00:09

I would tell him now that I don’t want to live together.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 00:13

Try and use DD as an excuse...you aren't ready to have a man living with you just yet because of DD.

Ask if he can look into getting his own place asap.

GruciusMalfoy · 30/07/2018 00:14

You're not being heartless. I'd find it pretty fucking cheeky of someone to move themselves into my home without it being discussed. All you have to do is tell him it's too soon to make this a permanent arrangement, and he needs to get his own place ASAP. His reaction to that should tell you where things are headed.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2018 00:15

Ha, there’s no magic formula to this. He’s going to be miffed, and probably hurt. You’ll just have to bite the bullet and do it as gently as you can, and hope he gets over it.

Him not having any money is a bit of a problem.

hmmwhatatodo · 30/07/2018 00:19

I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Seniorschoolmum · 30/07/2018 00:19

I think you need to say just that, you aren’t ready to share a home yet. That it would be a pity to jeopardise what could be a really good relationship by putting it under too much strain too soon.
I suspect you don’t share an approach to money for a start. Who pays for a very expensive holiday when they haven’t got any work coming in or a home to live in?

Returnofthesmileybar · 30/07/2018 00:24

Wait, go on holidays, when you are there say "This has been great, it's been lovely to get away from it all, it's funny how being so out of routine had made me realise how much I miss my routine. We need to sort out your living arrangements when we get back so I can have my time back" or similar to that is how I would play it

Whackytaco · 30/07/2018 00:26

As hmmm says, I think he knows exactly what he's doing too.

Tell him sooner rather than later that you want yours and your daughter's space back or he'll get his feet further under the table making it harder to shift him.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2018 00:40

However I really didn’t sign up to live with anyone and I want my own space back. How do I tell him that?

He moved in by stealth and despite all the evidence you haven’t pushed back and he thinks it’s ok because you’ve never uttered the magic word, no. He’s a chancer and your boundaries are weak. He knows you well enough to know that his ‘generosity’ was his in and it has contributed to your difficulty in saying no.

Knowing him for decades hasn’t offered you special protection and relying on him to prioritise your wants is a weakness, which he clearly intends to take full advantage of. No one can be a better advocate for you than you but you do have to speak up.

Rebecca36 · 30/07/2018 04:26

Please do tell him you don't want to live with anyone at the moment and encourage him to find a flat to rent.

Shortstuff08 · 30/07/2018 04:35

Be honest.

I was buying a house when me and dp had been together for 10 months. He happened to need to move. His landlord was selling the house he was in. Dp literally moved in 10 days before my house purchase went through.

Money wise, it would have made sense to wait and move in with me. I wasn't ready.

When he brought it up I was honest. Told him I thought I needed to live alone (I had been living with my parents since I left my husband) and wanted some space of my own, as I had never lived alone. I felt it was something I needed to do.

He totally got it, as a decent partner should.

thebewilderness · 30/07/2018 05:09

Without so much as a by your leave?
Criminy!
Just tell him you didn't mind carrying him for a while but he really needs to get a room of his own so you can have your own room back.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 30/07/2018 05:27

An ex of mine gave notice of his house share the week before I moved into my own place after I'd been renting for 3 years. CF moved in bit by bit over a few months - was mortally offended when I told him i wanted to spend Christmas eve alone with the kids! And he never contributed a penny. Resentmment developped fairly quickly and it fell apart within a few months. Occasionally i think of him as the one that got away but then i remember what a cocklodger he was.

Enjoy your holiday op but you really do need your private space back. His reaction to this conversation will tell you so much about how he sees your relationship going forward.

Sisgal · 30/07/2018 05:40

Just tell him what you told us, that you are happy in the relationship but you miss having your own space etc. Do not feel bad or guilty about this, it's your and your daughters home and you are perfectly entitled to want your own space. I hope he understands and I respects your wishes...although I would be prepared for him not taking it well (he may feel rejected/like you are using excuses or trying to actually end the relationship etc) so be prepared for a fall out (hopefully not) Good luck

MissusGeneHunt · 30/07/2018 06:15

OP I feel for you; I could have written your post myself. I have no new advice as the above pp's have given good words. It's just acting on the advice that's hard.
Thinking of you, and following the thread in the hope I can have the balls to do what I need to do, and you.
Let us know the outcome... WineFlowers

MamaOotie · 30/07/2018 06:28

If he is strapped for cash how is he paying for expensive holidays?

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 30/07/2018 06:29

How long has he been at yours for?
Does he have post delivered to your home?
I think you need to be honest to him.

charlestonchaplin · 30/07/2018 06:35

Why would you accept an expensive holiday from him when you know you don't want him to live with you in the short to medium term and you know money is a problem for him? You should have said something much earlier.

Shortstuff08 · 30/07/2018 06:46

I wonder if it's less, he has moved in by stealth and more he stayed there and the OP seemed happy with it.

He is managing to afford holidays because she won't accept money for bills. He may see the holiday as a substitute for the bills. He is paying for food so contributing to the house. He probably thinks she is happy with this set up.

I do think telling him around the time ofvthe holiday will appear 'now you have provided me with a holiday, pls can you now fuck off'

usernameismyusername · 30/07/2018 06:56

He can afford a holiday because he doesn't pay for accommodation op. He's moved in by stealth. I'd sit him down ASAP and tell him he has X time to find a place and move out.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/07/2018 06:58

Just be straight with him! Fucking hell, if you can't have that conversation then you have no right to be in a relationship.

No excuses, no mind trickery. Just straight out "I'm enjoying being in a relationship with you but I don't want us to live together yet. Do you want help to find a new place?"

Role model some bloody boundaries to your kid for fuck's sake.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/07/2018 07:01

Sorry, you asked us to be gentle, I was the opposite. I am really sorry about that. I hope you pluck up the courage to speak to him. If he's as nice as you say what have you got to be afraid of?

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 07:01

I would tell him before the holiday. His attitude on holiday will tell you whether he is entitled or sulky.

I think it's too soon to have him move in, especially with a DC in his house.

Ellie56 · 30/07/2018 07:08

How old is DD? Could you say she is feeling a bit unsettled and explain you have to put her needs first, and that the arrangement was only ever meant to be temporary until he sorted himself out?

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