To want new partner to get their own place

[needmyspce]

Have name changed for this as it could be a bit outing in combination with my other posts.

Met new partner (well I’ve known them on/off for decades but we reconnected) last year. Everything was lovely, lots of nice dates on nights when DD was at her dads. He is very kind and treats me very well. Bit of a whirlwind romance. He met DD after about 6 months.

However, before we got together he was about to leave the country for work (self employed so not necessary but I think he had become bored of our town). After we met, he made the decision to stay. He had given up his rented flat and was staying with friends short term until he left. Obviously he didn’t leave so couldn’t stay with friends indefinitely and began spending more and more time at mine.

Then he started bringing some of his stuff out of storage and bringing it to mine. Before I knew it he was in my house all the time and more and more stuff kept appearing. I must say before anyone pulls the cocklodger card that he contributes by buying most of the food for the house and paying for us to go on quite an expensive holiday that I would never have been going on otherwise as I just don’t have that sort of money. He has also offered money to help with bills but despite struggling I don’t want to take it (for reasons given below).

I’m finding this really hard. I was single for 2 years before this and really enjoyed my own space and I am finding it really suffocating. Not helped by the fact that he works from ‘home’ and is always in my house!

He hasn’t really done anything wrong and is a very kind and gentle man and I do care about him a great deal. However I really didn’t sign up to live with anyone and I want my own space back. How do I tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live without hurting his feelings and making him think I want to end the relationship? Holiday is next week but I really can’t keep this in anymore as my sanity is suffering! He is going through a bit of a dry patch with work as well at the mo so he’s a bit down about that and also doesn’t really have the cash to find another flat... which makes me feel even more guilty.

Please be gentle with me as I already feel like I’m being a heartless bitch!

I'm another one who thinks his response to you saying you don't yet want to live together will be a good indication of whether he's a keeper or not.

Use your DD as an excuse if you need to. But really, anyone in a half-decent adult relationshio should be able to have this kind of conversation with their partner unfiltered, without their partner kicking off.

And please do give him a deadline for getting his stuff out of your house, otherwise he will never do it.

I presume he has a key?

I really didn’t sign up to live with anyone and I want my own space back. How do I tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live without hurting his feelings and making him think I want to end the relationship?

Hold on, he hasn't shown he's been especially bothered about hurting your feelings by moving in without even asking you or discussing it!! It's not your problem. He has to sort his life himself. You're not responsible for him.

Just say you need your own space, or it's too soon for your daughter.

Where do you see the relationship going? Sounds like you need to have a talk to him.

Moving in is always a massive decission. O tbink I would begin feel resentful under those circumstances.

How would you feel if he got a workplace? Him being there all day ever day would do my head in. Could that be compromise? So at least he would be out of the house?

ould still have a grown up chat financial obligations. If he's moved in he should be liable for his share of the bills etc.

I had exactly this with my now DH.

As he is a lovely DH it worked out OK in the end.

Scarily similar to your situation. 2 yr old dd, knew him from years back, whirlwind romance (mainly on his part,I initially wanted a FWB type thing), lovely holiday etc, worked away from home a lot (he had moved in with his parents again), nearly moved abroad for work etc.

It came to a head one teatime as I was in my way home from work. He phoned to see where I was as he couldn't get in as he didn't have a key. I wasn't expecting him that night, was planning on picking dd up, doing her bed and bath then having a lovely bath and an early night.

I replied 'that's because you don't live there'. He went a bit quiet then said he would call me later.

We had a good chat. I told him he was moving in bit by bit, that I didn't have the wardrobe space for all his stuff, that I was worried about my tax credits claim, that dd was still getting used to him and that her dad was taking me to court for contact and it was messy enough already, that I wanted to live on my own after a shitty 2 year relationship then staying at my mums for 2 years. And that even if all that hadn't been going on as much as I loved him I didn't want to live together because I had my own home and he didnt. I wanted to live together because that's what we both wanted.

He did understand but was a bit hurt and I thought for a while I had messed up because he went a bit quiet for a few weeks.

For Christmas that year he bought me new bedroom furniture including a double wardrobe. Which was very much appreciated. I did feel a bit pressured again. Until he told me some of the lads had booked 10 days in Mexico over Christmas and he fancied going. I then realised that I had in my mind a lovely, cosy Christmas with him and dd but that I also actually did want to live with him.

I told him to go on the holiday which he did. Me and dd spent a lovely Christmas together and when he came straight to mine from the airport on 29th December his Christmas present from me was a housekey.

Been together 12 years now. Married for 3 months and have a 4 year old ds.

We still see time apart differently. I love my own space and love it when he works away. He likes nothing better than being with me, hates being alone mostly and still takes over the wardrobe space. But we work.

So speak to him honestly and tell him how you feel. If you claim any benefits that is ideal as an excuse even if it.is just single person discount.

And I definetly couldn't do with him working from home especially if you don't have a spare room so discuss renting an office/desk somewhere.

He works from home in your home but you haven’t you haven’t actually said he can live there?! You really need to say something now.

He may be lovely, but currently his work has dried up and he has no where to live and he contributes by buying food and a holiday. Tell him your main priority must be yourself and your child. It has been too soon for him to have moved in and it's costing you more (single council tax, tax credits, general living). If he is an understanding partner he will move out and remain friends. You need your own space. Surely, he can work from anywhere with an internet connection, so cafe, office, library

He is a cocklodger though, OP. Even though you ‘won’t accept’ money towards bills, he should still make sure you get some even if it’s forcing money into your account each week/month. Buying food and paying for a holiday (he could probably only afford because he has no bills) isn’t enough. Don’t feel guilty because of the holiday. He stealthily moved in without discussion, he is in the wrong and you need to have firm words.

Agree with @mousefunky that right now he is a cocklodger (even if he may not be eventually). It's easy to be generous with holidays when you don't have to pay accommodation or bills.

It's also a massive flashing warning that he is happy to pay for a holiday when he can't afford to move out to his own place - either he is really bad with money or he is completely complacent about being able to maintain his affordable status quo.

Don't blame it on DD, if you think you have a future it will only drive a wedge between them. Instead you can have a good holiday, and tell him just what you've told us - you want to stay together and would love him to be close by, but really value your own space and weren't ready to be living together, especially with working from home / so much time at home, and want to live separately, to reassess in 6 months / 12 months. If he's a.dick about this, then it's a shame but you already have your answer about the future.

He is an adult who can’t afford his own place. This is not a very attractive trait.

Spending money on an expensive holiday instead of bill? Not very attractive either.

There are implications for your house insurance If hes running a business from your home.

The holiday was booked months ago, before any of this occurred. It’s just me and him going on holiday whilst DD is on holiday with her dad (I took her on holiday last week). It was meant to be a special treat for me since I haven’t been abroad for over 10 years and also it’s somewhere he has wanted to go for ages but didn’t have anyone to go with.

It’s hard to explain the work situation without it becoming rather outing. But it’s not a conventional job, involves a lot of working from home and occasional working away (but not very often). It’s not a job he could go and do in a regular workplace. It has times where he has lots of money coming in and then periods of not much at all but he probably earns about the same as my salary when you average it all out. Even if he got a regular job and was out of the house it really wouldn’t make that much difference as I’m out working all day anyway. I really do just want him to move out, I need my space and independence.

I know I have to speak to him and intend to do it today- it’s just how to word it to save hurting his feelings. I did see this relationship as serious and with a future. However the lack of space and the stress this has caused me is making me second guess that- not sure how I will feel until I get some space. If he wanted to break up over it then I would accept that, I’m really just worried about his feelings for his sake as he has had a bit of a shit deal with relationships in the past and I don’t want to make him feel any worse.

I was the one that contacted him so I know he didn’t use me. I was looking for something more casual though and certainly don’t feel like I need a man or will settle for anything less than I feel I deserve. My feelings are genuine but it was a bit of a surprise to feel like this about someone. TBH at the moment I don’t think I’d ever want to live with someone again but that doesn’t mean no future in my mind it just means I like my own space and I have no intention of having any more kids or marrying again (he knows I don’t want either and that is fine). My ex used money as a weapon and I want to feel like no one can ever whip the carpet out from underneath me like that again. I want my house, my money, my responsibility and any relationship I have shouldn’t affect that.

Oh and no mail comes to my house- he had his official address changed to his mums when he was getting ready to go abroad.

I can see how awkward this is. You do need to talk to him though, several good points have been raised -
Benefits / single person discount
Place to work from
Your DD
Lack of discussion

Make it clear that it's the speed / not talking and that you are looking longer term (if you are) maybe express concern that rushing things now could have an impact on the future of the relationship
Good luck op

@usernameismyusername I know. I am feeling particularly murderous today and realised as soon as I hit post that I was not being sensitive. Glad I raised a smile and hope I didn't offend OP

Just after reading your update at 10:06 OP and some things jumped out at me.
I know I have to speak to him and intend to do it today- it’s just how to word it to save hurting his feelings. On that point, he clearly didn't think of your feelings when he started taking his belongings out of storage and into your house. He just did it (based on what you've posted so far anyway).
I’m really just worried about his feelings for his sake as he has had a bit of a shit deal with relationships in the past and I don’t want to make him feel any worse. His relationships in the past (unless there is other baggage involved) really shouldn't cloud your decision about this one, the one you're in with him.
I was the one that contacted him so I know he didn’t use me but he is using you, or at least your home, as his new storage facility. This is not on. As he is doing this, he is putting your relationship under unnecessary strain that if he had taken things slower, and not moved himself in by stealth, this wouldn't be happening.

Best of luck to you today when you have your conversation. I'd recommend structuring the conversation like a sandwich - things that are positive, the nitty-gritty of the conversation (i.e. getting him to move out), and something positive about that.

You wanted a casual slow relationship and not a serious one, this is what you were looking for.

What you actually have is a relationship that has become very serious indeed. Moving someone in is a big commitment that you have had no say over whatsoever. I hope you are using your own contraception, as that will be the next thing.

Be careful op

To be honest, it’s unlikely to end well.
Could you say, look, there is so much of your stuff here but we haven’t had a conversation about living together. When you have a child, things can’t be so fluid, it’s really not fair on a man moving in by stealth.
Does it not affect your benefits having him there? I absolutely don’t know about benefits and that isn’t meant to be goady.
Is your dd going on the holiday? Are you just keeping quiet until after it? They doesn’t seem fair tbh.
When I met dh I told him it was too much too soon. He was over all the time. He had an enormous strop...years later I wish I’d put my foot down more.

icelolly OP has already said her DD is not going on the holiday and also that she intends to speak to him today.

OP, I think I would tell him what you've said here - that after your experience with your ex, who was abusive with money and you felt like he pulled out the rug from under you, you want to take some time to enjoy your home and your space. You still want to be with him but you may never feel in a position to be live with him or marry him.

What you've got here is a GGG. Grand Gesture Guy. Pays for an expensive holiday without leaving his savings in place, so that he can fund a place of his own. Sounds like he is subtly enforcing the no coming in thing, so that combined with your holiday, you feel too guilty to get him to ship out. I suspect he has felt your resentment at encroaching on your space...but he cares more about his own needs to live with you, and just pay for food, rather than all the other bills that go with being a proper grown-up. Finances aside, even if he was contributing half to all the bills, you still want your space back, right?

Emphasising/enforcing the no money coming in thing, should have read...

How has it never come up in conversation?

It would be normal to discuss what he was going to do about permanent accommodation after he decided not to move abroad?

You can tell him how you feel without being unkind OP. You haven't talked about him 'moving in', yet he has done so and it doesn't suit you, so you need to sit him and say 'Listen DP, we need to have a chat about our living situation, because much though like like/love you, I'm not ready to live with you and I'm finding having you here 24/7 absolutely suffocating and I'm worried that things aren't going to work out for us in the longer term if I can't have some space.

If he doesn't understand what you're saying or argues with you or storms off in a huff or takes it really badly then I would suggest that this relationship is perhaps not what you're looking for. I know you've known him for ages and he's kind and good, but you really don't know someone until you've lived with them and if his idea of contributing to your household is buying food and not paying for anything else, while being at home all the time and laying his work misery on you I think you need to take a long, hard look at this relationship and see if he is the man for you, because someone who just stealthily moves his stuff in without even asking is a CF IMO!

"I already feel like I’m being a heartless bitch!"

Not at all. It seems that just though timing and circumstance the relationship (him living in your place) has moved faster than it otherwise would have.

Ignore the stupid comments about him chancing etc. That's expected here but most simply over-extend their experiences.

His offer to contribute more was turned down. He does contribute already. I suspect that he sees paying for the holiday as some kind of payment and I think that's admirable. It was also probably cheaper than finding 3 months rent plus associated costs of finding somewhere new to live.

Tell him exactly what you've said here. He sounds like a nice guy and you haven't done anything wrong either.

Kicking him out asap is unfair but expecting him to find somewhere in a reasonably short space of time isn't.

Good luck OP. Although he probably knows the conversation is coming at some point, as its seems there was never a conversation about it being a permanent thing, he is pushing his luck just a little here.

Also wondering how the conversation flowed about his changing his mind about going abroad, somewhere there must have been some conversation about when he would end up living.

You are just going to have to be honest about it. I wouldnt soley use your dd as the reason, although I well imagine this is a big factor here.

Also - who the fuck pays for a big, fancy holiday when they don't have sufficient savings to pay their bills for at least six months if work dries up???? This, to me, would be a huge great red flag. OP you've had problems with a DP in the past who was financially abusive. Did you ever have any therapy to help you unpick how you got into that situation, so you could recognise the warning signs in future?

I would think a lot more about YOUR feelings than his when you have your discussion, because all he is thinking about is him. It suits him very nicely atm to be living with you and having no bills to pay. You have to protect yourself and your DD - don't let feelings of guilt over his situations (which are not of your making), cloud your judgement about what is best for you and your DD (which is him moving out asap).

If you really want to take it gently, you could say something like "it suddenly occurred to me last night that we have more or less moved in together without even discussing it! We need to work through what we're doing"..and then talk about you needing more time with DD after your/ her last experience... or whatever.

That way it is including him in your thought process rather than presenting him with a fait accompli.

Having said that, there must've been a fraction of a moment where he left his friend's/ first brought stuff out of storage, where he was only too aware what he was doing.

That consent by stealth thing is very suss.