To want new partner to get their own place

[needmyspce]

Have name changed for this as it could be a bit outing in combination with my other posts.

Met new partner (well I’ve known them on/off for decades but we reconnected) last year. Everything was lovely, lots of nice dates on nights when DD was at her dads. He is very kind and treats me very well. Bit of a whirlwind romance. He met DD after about 6 months.

However, before we got together he was about to leave the country for work (self employed so not necessary but I think he had become bored of our town). After we met, he made the decision to stay. He had given up his rented flat and was staying with friends short term until he left. Obviously he didn’t leave so couldn’t stay with friends indefinitely and began spending more and more time at mine.

Then he started bringing some of his stuff out of storage and bringing it to mine. Before I knew it he was in my house all the time and more and more stuff kept appearing. I must say before anyone pulls the cocklodger card that he contributes by buying most of the food for the house and paying for us to go on quite an expensive holiday that I would never have been going on otherwise as I just don’t have that sort of money. He has also offered money to help with bills but despite struggling I don’t want to take it (for reasons given below).

I’m finding this really hard. I was single for 2 years before this and really enjoyed my own space and I am finding it really suffocating. Not helped by the fact that he works from ‘home’ and is always in my house!

He hasn’t really done anything wrong and is a very kind and gentle man and I do care about him a great deal. However I really didn’t sign up to live with anyone and I want my own space back. How do I tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live without hurting his feelings and making him think I want to end the relationship? Holiday is next week but I really can’t keep this in anymore as my sanity is suffering! He is going through a bit of a dry patch with work as well at the mo so he’s a bit down about that and also doesn’t really have the cash to find another flat... which makes me feel even more guilty.

Please be gentle with me as I already feel like I’m being a heartless bitch!

Can you pay part of your holiday to help him with the money he'd need to move out?

Sandy I don't think you need to use DD as an excuse or any other kind of excuse. He may not be a cocklodger but he's being pretty cheeky doing this by stealth and assuming you'll just go along with it.

You need to lay down a clear boundary now before he gets more entrenched. Just say you need to sort living arrangements out and you're not ready to live with him/anyone yet.

As someone else pointed out above, his reaction to this will tell you a great deal about his attitude and intentions generally.

could you use your dd.just tell him its a huge thing for her.that you need to take it much slower.this isn't anything to do with how much you like him or where you see this going but you just need to be really sensitive at this point and realised you thought him staying would be until he found his own place.
what he does next I think actually will be really helpul.becasue if hes a sulky mean dick about it then enough said he clearly wasn't worth it and him moving in quite cheekily was simply a red flag.
he might be a bit "oh" at firs so expect that.but that like with anyone they might be a bit embaressed and this usually comes out with antsy to cover that but after its settled you will soon see what this means for you both.

If he is kind and gentle, he'll take it well and start to look for somewhere. Tell him kindly and gently and it should be fine.

I don't agree with using your dd as an excuse. Just be honest!

Is your Dd going with you on the holiday?

I think many women would be sulky if they had paid for an expensive holiday, thinking they were paying their way, and then after the holiday had been enjoyed by all they were told to get packing. Especially if they don't have the money for a new place because they've spent a lot of theirs on an expensive holiday! Have a heart and give him notice so he can build up savings for a deposit/rent, unless he has someone else he can stay with.

Get him out. Tell him you are not ready to make that kind of commitment.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Sorry I properly laughed when I saw your second message to the op. The way you let her have it and then the follow up 😂🤣😂

Do not blame your DD, that’s dreadful advice.

Some people on MN are far too quick to shout cocklodger or ‘he knows what he’s doing’ etc.

It could easily just be a case of loving being with you, you seeming to love him being there and thus not even thinking about getting another place when this appears to be working well for all of you.

I think it’s inevitable that he’s going to be hurt by you wanting to take a step backwards in your relationship, when he’s had no clue you’re not happy with how things have developed. I think you need to think very carefully before saying anything. Somethings can’t be unsaid and telling him you want him to move out is a clear message you don’t feel as deeply about him as he does about you - which is fine, if that’s what you really want him to hear. Do you think that him working out of the house might would give you the space you need?

You HAVE to put your own needs/wants first, just have a really good think about what it is you really want because in telling him he needs to move out, you might damage some of the feelings between you and that would be a shame if you see a future with him.

Can you pay part of your holiday to help him with the money he'd need to move out?

This is the only way that it's going to work really. He can use your half to fund his move.

The reason he has the money for the expensive holiday is that he is not paying a mortgage or rent OP. You are ensuring that he doesn't need to. I agree with PPs, this guy knows exactly what he's doing and, unless you tell him, he will continue to do it- he's getting a bloody good deal isn't he (home and office space free of charge).

@charlestonchaplin

I think many women would be sulky if they had paid for an expensive holiday, thinking they were paying their way, and then after the holiday had been enjoyed by all they were told to get packing. Especially if they don't have the money for a new place because they've spent a lot of theirs on an expensive holiday! Have a heart and give him notice so he can build up savings for a deposit/rent, unless he has someone else he can stay with.

He is saving a lot of money by no longr paying rent, council tax, gas, electricity, water, etc. The only thing he is paying for is food.

I would be interested to know how much his outgoings were when he rented a flat and how much the holiday costs.

It doesn't bode well that he has accepted it when OP refused his offer to contribute to bills. He may be planning to start contributing after the holiday, or, as often seen as MN, he may think OP is paying those bills anyway so he'll just continue to contribute to food cost.

And no one is sating he should leave immediately. But I would expect him to leave in a month.

You have to be honest. Is this even something you would want for your dd. He may well be upset as he was going to start a new life abroad. He chose to stay to be with you, don’t forget that.

Oops my last point was ambiguous. What I meant was you didn’t make him stay so he doesn’t get to blame you.

I agree with other posters that you just have to bite the bullet and say. If it were me, I’d put it in terms of really valuing the relationship and hoping that it’s going to develop. But saying I am the sort of person who values their own space, and this is now moving too fast. Not wanting to jeopardise the relationship etc by mov8ng things too quickly. That you also have DD to consider.

No one would stay in my house more than a month without paying rent. He is a non paying lodger. Are you renting or buying? Will affect you getting benefit or tax credits if you needed them later. Has your daughter any thoughts or feelings?
Just talk about it, how you see things going forward, no big deal, just be honest.
Annie anonymous, why would you not speak your mind, it will be a resentment and they split up over that. Honesty best policy

You’re both being irresponsible going on an expensive holiday when neither of you can afford it. I get the amount of work he has on, has dwindled, but to not have enough money behind him tomrent a flat, when he’s self employed, but to book an expensive holiday shows a lack of responsibility and immaturity I would find hard to get past and I would not have accepted it had I known his financial situation (I get you might not have done either).

Would it be a possibility for him to go and do some work overseas (as he had planned) for a few months to earn some money and give you some space?

Have you ever actually had a conversation about living together?

He had given up his rented flat and was staying with friends short term until he left.

OP do you think there may be a bit of a trend here? I mean why didn't he just go straight from his rented flat to abroad - if that was his original plan? Do you how short the 'short term' at his friends actually was? Maybe the friends had given him his marching orders - and then you luckily came along? (I'm wondering if he was going thru his black book looking for possible move-on options... came across your name, and miraculously 'reconnected' with you - but I'm a cynic )

I don't think it's a case of two potentially true polarised cases:

1 - he knows what he's doing, using OP and her place
2 - he doesn't mean to use OP and is just a nice guy who wants to take the relationship further and closer and she hasn't said no

Let's deconstruct that false dichotomy and posit

3 - patriarchal society encourages men to believe that the resources of the woman they are close to are always available to them without asking or reciprocating. Men are unaware of the toll this places on the women but it still isn't fair and the man is still taking advantage of a nasty set of underlying conditions, no matter how "nice" he is and no matter how accustomed we all are to the conditions and the nastiness of them. Sadly OP has no one to look to to enforce fairness and consent to the use of her resources, but herself. Although it goes against the grain for her as she is a nice person who wants to love and be loved, in order for her to protect herself she is going to have to oppose the desires and assumptions of this man and it will, probably, have a knock on effect on their relationship, unfortunately. (If he is just a normal guy - he probably is - just speaking statistically)

However it is incredibly difficult for men to behave well to women under patriarchy; it won't happen unless women insist upon it; and the true decency of your man (or otherwise) is exposed when you do.

Annie anonymous, why would you not speak your mind, it will be a resentment and they split up over that. Honesty best policy

Me, not speak my mind? That’s hilarious.

I didn’t say she shouldn’t speak her mind, quite the opposite. What I said was that she needs to have a very good think about it all before talking to him because if she sees this having a future she needs to consider how hurting him at this stage will impact on the trust in the relationship later on. She’s been acting like this is all good and fine with her, it’ll make it harder for him to trust her feelings later on if she now says she isn’t fine with it. It’s FINE for her to ask him to move out if that’s what she wants, but she has to accept that it may damage the relationship and there might be a better way to get the space she wants. Thinking first never hurt anyone.

I would tell him it is too soon. Give him a time frame for finding his own place, and then stick to it.

I would also take the opportunity to outline how you do see your future panning out. If you expect to be married before buying a place together, or whether you are happy to carry on living separate lives for the time being.

I would reinforce the love you have for him, but the moving in thing is happening too soon (and without a decent conversation!) I do also think he has done this knowingly, and it makes him seem quite sly if I am honest.

Will his work pick up again?

I think it’s fine o tell him you’re finding it alll a bit full on, with him relocating his business to your house and everything.

How serious are you about the relationship? Is he a ‘for now’ partner? In which case you do owe it to him to say, because he changed his plans to stay and be in a relationship with you.

That alone would make me feel pressured unless I was head over heels, I think.

In the same way he has just assumed he can move his stuff out, you can just assume that once work picks up he will be able to look for a place of his own as his work from home space.. drop it into the conversation.

^TwinkulTwinkle* has said what I was thinking about there being a bit of a trend. If he was about to leave the country, surely he had money put by to set himself up? What happened to that?

Don't feel guilty about asking him to leave. You never discussed him moving in permanently and so he shouldn't be making assumptions.