To want new partner to get their own place

[needmyspce]

Have name changed for this as it could be a bit outing in combination with my other posts.

Met new partner (well I’ve known them on/off for decades but we reconnected) last year. Everything was lovely, lots of nice dates on nights when DD was at her dads. He is very kind and treats me very well. Bit of a whirlwind romance. He met DD after about 6 months.

However, before we got together he was about to leave the country for work (self employed so not necessary but I think he had become bored of our town). After we met, he made the decision to stay. He had given up his rented flat and was staying with friends short term until he left. Obviously he didn’t leave so couldn’t stay with friends indefinitely and began spending more and more time at mine.

Then he started bringing some of his stuff out of storage and bringing it to mine. Before I knew it he was in my house all the time and more and more stuff kept appearing. I must say before anyone pulls the cocklodger card that he contributes by buying most of the food for the house and paying for us to go on quite an expensive holiday that I would never have been going on otherwise as I just don’t have that sort of money. He has also offered money to help with bills but despite struggling I don’t want to take it (for reasons given below).

I’m finding this really hard. I was single for 2 years before this and really enjoyed my own space and I am finding it really suffocating. Not helped by the fact that he works from ‘home’ and is always in my house!

He hasn’t really done anything wrong and is a very kind and gentle man and I do care about him a great deal. However I really didn’t sign up to live with anyone and I want my own space back. How do I tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live without hurting his feelings and making him think I want to end the relationship? Holiday is next week but I really can’t keep this in anymore as my sanity is suffering! He is going through a bit of a dry patch with work as well at the mo so he’s a bit down about that and also doesn’t really have the cash to find another flat... which makes me feel even more guilty.

Please be gentle with me as I already feel like I’m being a heartless bitch!

Why has he reached this stage of life with so little to show for it? You definitely need to have the conversation and be pretty to the point. You have found yourself living together in your property without it ever having even been discussed, never mind agreed.

Ask him to make other arrangements. His response will actually show you whether he’s a keeper or not.

Good luck.

bit of a whirlwind romance.... gave up his rented flat.... sofa surfed at friends' houses..... decided to stay rather than work abroad...... moves stuff in gradually .......now works from (your) home.......

You see what he did there? Yes, you do. Doesn't it make you wonder whether he had a job abroad to go to, before his dream woman walked into his life with a ready made home, storage facilities and office space?

By the way, does your home now count as "business premises" if he's working from home - and how does this affect your insurance, council tax etc?

You've never had the conversation about moving in together, so it's reasonable that you should bring it up now. Admit that you were wrong to give him the impression that you were happy to let him move in. But now you feel foolish and resentful and the relationship is in danger. You are guilty of being kind and of not wishing to hurt his feelings, but that's all.

Admit that his working from your home is not working for you at all. You need him to find a workplace and soon.

Say that moving in together is a joint decision and it is one that you will consider sometime in the future but not now.

He may be taken aback but on the other hand he may think: "Dammit. Caught bang to rights."

Get your home back and breathe!

OP your boundaries are not existent. He moved in by stealth because he knew you well enough to know that this would be the most successful approach. As long as you keep prioritising ‘his feelimgs’ at your expense, you really are buying into a relationship dynamic where he is the MVP (Most Valued Person). Trust me that approach will continually bite you in the arse.

I am in no way prioritising his feelings over mine.... in fact I am just so frustrated with it now that I fear I will be overly harsh as the very sight of his stuff in my house feels me with rage! Therefore I needed some advice on how to break it gently but still get my point across!

Thanks to the many posters who have offered useful advice on how to put it across to him without crushing his heart

No DD tonight so I am going to talk to him later. Wish me luck and I will report back!

Oooh good luck! Hope you have some booze in!

Good luck. Hope he understands and you get to keep your relationship with him...in your own homeS!

Good luck OP!

Do claim any sort of benefits as a single person? Be very careful... you know what people are like and you don’t want to get into trouble.

No benefits claimed so no need to worry about that - I work full time in a respected career to support myself and my daughter (not that you’d know it by the time I’ve paid my bills every month!) I own my own home as well so this doesn’t affect any of those sorts of things, it’s just my own sanity that’s being affected! Haha

What happened, OP?

That’s good. What about single person discount on council tax?

I really hope you can get it sorted and it all works out.

What would he have done if he hadn't re-connected with you and come back to the town from his job abroad? What used to happen when he's been working abroad before? Would he have gone to his parents' house? (I think you mentioned his parents in one of your updates?)

Where would he have left his "stuff" if he had gone abroad? Would he have left them at his mum's? Is mum already storing most of his stuff?

Whatever the answer, he's got some options to stay elsewhere while he sorts his life out. Going home to mum may not be the coolest thing he's done, but at least he won't be 'waiting until he saved up' or 'until the right flat comes along'. And from your point of view, you could have your home back by the weekend at the latest. Sorted!

Yay! It’s done and everything is fine! Even if it took me forever to pluck up the (Dutch) courage

Well done! And thank you for posting an update?

When is he shifting his stuff?

Great news! What did you say, how did he respond, what was agreed?

What happened? What is agreed?

Spam reported.

@YeahCorvid explained it beautifully I think

"patriarchal society encourages men to believe that the resources of the woman they are close to are always available to them without asking or reciprocating. Men are unaware of the toll this places on the women but it still isn't fair and the man is still taking advantage of a nasty set of underlying conditions, no matter how "nice" he is and no matter how accustomed we all are to the conditions and the nastiness of them. Sadly OP has no one to look to to enforce fairness and consent to the use of her resources, but herself. Although it goes against the grain for her as she is a nice person who wants to love and be loved, in order for her to protect herself she is going to have to oppose the desires and assumptions of this man and it will, probably, have a knock on effect on their relationship, unfortunately. (If he is just a normal guy - he probably is - just speaking statistically)

However it is incredibly difficult for men to behave well to women under patriarchy; it won't happen unless women insist upon it; and the true decency of your man (or otherwise) is exposed when you do."

Ooh I enjoyed that. My X relationship in a nutshell and why I will probably never live with a man again!

What did you say to him OP and how did he take it?

I just said that we really needed to talk. Then explained that whilst I loved him I just wasn’t ready to live with someone, that it had been stressing me out as I realised that it had just kind of happened and I didn’t want to upset him and I really should have said something sooner.

He said that he thought It was what I wanted and that now that he knew he would sort something out once we returned from holiday and he was sorry it had caused me so much stress.

Great you've had the talk op, do you have an idea when he will actually move out?

Why would you accept an expensive holiday from him when you know you don't want him to live with you in the short to medium term and you know money is a problem for him? You should have said something much earlier.

Could this be what you’re worried his reaction will be?
Did he ever make out that the holiday was some sort of payback for letting him stay?

Even if he does say similar to that then, as long as you’re absolutely sure there has been no agreement for him to actually move in then you owe him nothing.

Sorry, didn’t see your update.
So glad the talk went well. Have a wonderful holiday.

@needmyspace - couldn't he start moving things out before your holiday or are you leaving in the next couple of days? It would make for a better atmosphere on holiday if you could see that he was taking you seriously before you left. He may be hoping that by the time you get back, you will have changed your mind and he can stay...just a thought.