DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Op I know you are really angry but he is sobbing. Why did he take the money if he earns so much more than you. I think there maybe something major going on such as financial problems. Ask him. If this is the case he needs your support.

I hate all the gaslighting comments. It is a term linked with abuse. Based on op and his response this seems more like a husband in trouble. People often lie to get out of situation where they feeel desperate. Not excusing the behaviour but an abuse man and a husband in trouble are two different things. One needs support the other needs his knob cut off.

Thatssome making a person feel like they're crazy IS gaslighting and IS abusive.

Oh and sobbing is also an abuse tactic. Makes you think they're sorry. Makes it all about them. Turns the focus off what they've done to feeling sorry for them.

He’s sobbing because he got caught

And there’s absolutely no excuse for stealing, lying and making her think she’s going bad.

OP is the one who’s been betrayed and gaslighted - yes that’s exactly what it is - and she’s the victim.

I’d put my money on gambling as well. If he genuinely believed that he had asked you for the money/told you about it, he wouldn’t be crying.... has to be something he doesn’t want you to know about.

For all those saying he puts in more etc etc, what matters is how OP and her husband choose to split their finances, of how you. Presumably there’s enough money to go round and this is a breach of trust as the money in OPs account is understood to be hers.

Personally I would go back and see how much he has taken and when it started As you were left with insufficient funds to do a shop you expected to be able to, it sounds like he has increased the amount he is taking, especially as you’ve only just noticed. If he’s stealing from you it implies a big problem somewhere, that compels him to take your money.

Omg

Can you ask him "Ok so which is it? Lost your job, having an affair or gambling?"

"If you don't tell me now, that's it. You are moving out today "

All the sobbing suggests he knows he is in the wrong and is covering something up. You really need to get to the bottom of this. I am guessing gambling.

@FuckingDH

WOW. I could not live in a marriage like this.

Spouses stealing from each other? Calling your husband a 'fucker' for taking YOUR money? WTAF?

Why are you not sharing everything?

Sounds like you have a lot more to worry about than the odd twenty quid going missing. The whole relationship sounds toxic.

*Coke
Gambling
Prostitutes.

One of those, usually.*

Or a combination. Unless he is self employed and the business is going down the pan?

Either way he is in desperate straights / been caught / rabbit in headlights unlikely to cooperate and tell the truth.

You might need professional help to untangle any financial mess. Take charge ASAP my friend with 3 kids under 8 has just lost her because her DH ran up a load of debt.

But why did he do it? If he has greater income and technically more money then why does he need to steal from his wife?

Something is going on and you need to know what the root problem is. I would suspect gambling addiction.

Lindalee, we manage to have separate finances without our marriage being toxic. He stole her money, pure and simple.

Crying is a very clever tactic to aid lying. I always used to say to my DCs when they were small "Crying is lying" when I was questioning them about a misdemeanour. If they hadn't done it they should be able to look me in the eye and tell me straight. Crying allows one to close eyes and avoid eye contact, disarm the questioner and gaslight. Ignore him. Do not be moved by this tactic. He sounds highly manipulative and I would be very cautious about what follows - he will be coming up with a 'plan'. Foodylicious is absolutely right - ask him "Ok so which is it? Lost your job, having an affair or gambling? If you don't tell me now, that's it. You are moving out today" . Remain icy cool and in control, if you can. Do not be moved by whatever tactic he next tries on you.

For all you know his work is in trouble. He could have spent the late nights desperately trying to sort it. He could be mentally exhausted. He could have taken money because he wanted to protect you. Yes trust is gone but if this was my husband the thought of him scared and desperate makes me sick. All lying is essentially gaslighting. So is all lying a form of abuse. Bloody hell the amount of times people white lie to their spouses about who had the last chocolate etc, is this abuse. Gaslighting is everyone’s new favourite term and it’s thrown around in here in so many posts. It’s diminishing the term for actual abuse victims.

Yes he could be a gambling addict or cheating or snorting coke of prostitues tits, but as a wife surely there is a duty of care. Or what is the point of marriage vows!

Be firm show him you are in charge. He has one chance etc and if you are in trouble we can get through this together.....

I share my cash with my DH but amounts are organised and I know exactly what’s going where and what the cash is being used for. I would be alarmed if DH was lying to hide stolen cash.

Awful situation for you op, make sure you get right to the bottom of it 💐

When you are married, there should be no 'your money, my money.' You are meant to be a partnership, a union, a married couple. Keeping your money to yourself is not a good sign.

No good comes of it. Ever.

All lying isn't gaslighting? Lying is "I found your card on the floor in the house.". Gaslighting is "You told me I could take the money, remember? You've forgotten because you're so disorganised/you don't listen to me/etc".

lindalee there are no strict guidelines for finances once your married. You don't have to do anything! DH and I have had separate finances since we met many, many years ago. Never once had an issue with it!

He's trying to distract you from what's actually going on. Sobbing. Yeah, right. HE felt ENTITLED to take your money, and lie about it, and then try to act like you told him he could ... and now he's distracting you by crying.

Drugs, prostitutes, gambling, lost job, pay day loans, overspending ... something is up. You need to tell him to spill or go immediately. And yes, change your accounts and your children's accounts so he can't touch them.

Upstairs sobbing
Yeah - prepare yourself for The Script...

I would demand immediate repayment to you of all the money he has stolen. Then tell him to fuck off.

You can never ever trust him again can you? Without trust you have nothing. You sound intelligent and determined. Really you don't need this shit.

As a wife there is a duty of care Ok. But husbands can steal, lie, manipulate and he little wifey has to tolerate it because of her vows eh?

Can you ask him "Ok so which is it? Lost your job, having an affair or gambling

Pretty much is what I would ask.

When you are married, there should be no 'your money, my money.' You are meant to be a partnership, a union, a married couple. Keeping your money to yourself is not a good sign.

COMMUNICATION costs nothing. There's nothing wrong with seperate finances. If my husband needs money he just tells me and visa versa and it gets sorted. You don't help yourself without saying something. It's hard to track finances that way.

Just like you don't make large purchases out of a joint account without communication first.

Would I fuck join finances after reading some of the crap on here. No good comes of it

I cannot believe the advice is that OP should have joint finances when there clearly would have been nothing left in a joint account to pay for groceries unless she spent her earnings pretty bloody sharpish.

Put it this way - he hasn't been sobbing the rest of the time when he was takino the money, has he? Only now he's been caught.
And who earns or puts in more really, really is irrelevant. If he was struggling financially the first port of call would have been to speak to OP and work out their finances together, not take her money behind her back and make her think it was her.

OP, I really hope your DH comes clean, and that it turns out to be something you can work with. (Eg financial struggles rather than cheating).

I hope I'm way off base, but I really think you should make it a priority to check:

• the current balance and history on any savings accounts for the kids
• the balance and history of joint credit cards
• a credit check on yourself, to make sure no loans, credit cards etc have been taken out jointly or in your name

Hopefully all three will come up clean/normal.

@Thatssomebadhatharry obviously you've never experienced abuse and gas lighting. And I'm glad you haven't. As someone who has and knows how it starts, with little things, until it builds up to the point where you're memory is so hopeless you just don't trust it because you've been convinced it's faulty, I can say this is gaslighting. Lying is not telling the truth. Gaslighting is trying to convince someone their memory is faulty. That they're going crazy. Big difference. Neither is right but one is a huge warning bell.

The sobbing is a diversionary tactic.

He tried to gaslight you, tried to convince you of conversations that never happened and of things he told you that you’d forgotten. If he’d confessed and given plausible reasons then the situation might be salvageable- the fact that he hiding away means that he’s buying time to concoct another lie, and you’d be a fool to trust him.