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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withdrawing cash behind my back

627 replies

FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:28

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

  1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
  2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money
WWYD
OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 29/07/2018 09:51

Did he say what he used the money for?

And gaslighting you about it all is despicable

Sorry you're going through this. I'd demand to see all his bank statements to ascertain the true financial position. And ask for all your money back that he has taken without your knowledge.

LEMtheoriginal · 29/07/2018 09:52

I thonk you need to ask him if hes in trouble.

FASH84 · 29/07/2018 09:52

OPN this is awful, do he didn't even give you a reason? If he'd said actually I feel a bit resentful that you earn more now but still contribute the same as you did before, that wouldn't make the lying and stealing ok (and it is stealing) but you could maybe get past it, more lies about fake agreements or it not being him and sobbing makes me think there's more to this. Is he gambling? Drug debts? Loans? You need to know what motivated this or you'll never trust him again. If he has an addiction you make the choice to support or leave, but you're still in the dark at the moment. Like you I'd be absolutely livid.

purplemunkey · 29/07/2018 09:53

Sorry OP. I'm glad you confronted but unfortunately it looks like he's going to tell more lies.

Trust is definitely gone. Good idea to start getting accounts and access in line so he can't get money that's yours or the children's. I'm sorry this is happening OP.

BestestBrownies · 29/07/2018 09:54

Oh dear OP. His reaction indicates to me that this is only the tip of the iceberg.

In your shoes I would be insisting on access to ALL his accounts and consent to a full credit report. I think you should prepare yourself for an even bigger shock.

My money's on gambling habit too. Sad

hammeringinmyhead · 29/07/2018 09:55

If it was about not being able to cover the bills it wouldn't have just started happening. It's not just about where your money went - what's he done with his own money that he had to risk this?!

CocoaGin70 · 29/07/2018 09:55

I did my credit score online through Clear Score and set one up for DH too, it was very easy. I'd do that at the very least. Experian didn't work no matter how many times I tried!

It's not the money, it's the trust. That would really hurt me.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/07/2018 09:55

If an old agreement existed the FIRST time you asked for your missing card or the first time he borrowed it he would have said ‘oh I’ve got it,remember our agreement’. But he chose to manipulate you instead and lie. This is a very weird thing to do and may also reflect his behaviour in other parts of your lives. Does he lie generally? Does he manipulate you often?

NEFink · 29/07/2018 09:55

Coke
Gambling
Prostitutes.

One of those, usually.

Alwayscommuting · 29/07/2018 09:56

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. That's a really crappy thing to do. My DH has used my card to take money from an ATM for me if I'm running late and need cash but I would never expect him to go and take money without me knowing. It's not on at all!! Hope this all gets sorted

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 29/07/2018 09:56

Positive no, it's what people like this do when caught. My stepdad cried when DM confronted him about abusing me. The fucker then did it to DD.

Fang2468 · 29/07/2018 10:00

This is a weird reaction- do you know WHY he took the money? I think there’s going to be more to this story.
I agree you should also change the kids accounts (different bank) and all your PINS and all your online banking details.

toolonglurking · 29/07/2018 10:04

Once he's stopped crying about getting caught I think you need to sit him down she tell him that you deserve an explanation. Give him a chance, and then if he lies you know what to do - kick him the fuck out

pontiouspilates · 29/07/2018 10:04

What a terrible way to destroy your trust OP. The sobbing upstairs indicates that there is much more going on here. I strongly suspect a gambling issue. New PIN/bank account, check kids savings and demand an explanation. So, so sorry you are going through this Thanks

DoinItForTheKids · 29/07/2018 10:04

It's not weird, he's been caught out and knows it!

Maelstrop · 29/07/2018 10:04

The lying, telling you you asked him to get money out is very worrying. Trying to make you think this=gaslighting, pure and simple. For me, the trust would be gone, especially when he’s blatantly lying to you.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 29/07/2018 10:06

Hello OP, it does sound as if this is just the tip of the iceberg and that he is only admitting to what he knows you knows...

I would be tempted to sit down with him and say "I'm giving you ONE chance to come clean. If you don't tell me NOW, exactly what's going on, then I am going to start looking for a divorce lawyer tomorrow".

He mustn't be allowed to carry on with these lies. If he is in some kind of trouble, he has to talk to you about it. If he is just using the money for some nefarious purpose and lying to you about it, perhaps you would be better off without him.

Good luck with it all and don't let him hoodwink you!

parteeesss · 29/07/2018 10:07

So can he prove those work evenings? What did he say about them?

abilockhart · 29/07/2018 10:07

The £200 taken from your account is the least of your worries. This could well be just the tip of the ice berg.

longwayoff · 29/07/2018 10:09

Who knows? He may have lost his job. Try to get to the bottom of it O P for your own peace of mind but be prepared to be more shocked and upset than you are just now.

imnotreally · 29/07/2018 10:11

He's gaslighting by trying to change your memories of what happened. And he's sobbing to make it all about him and make you feel sorry for him. I'd ask him what he wanted the money for and you want to see his bank statements.

Juells · 29/07/2018 10:12

My BiL was rolling over credit cards, constantly paying off the minimum until it all caught up with him and he had to confess to my DS. That was in the US, don't know if it could be done in the UK. When the shit finally hit the fan he was $65,000 in debt, their son's college fund had to be used to clear it. With him it was gambling.

Shortstuff08 · 29/07/2018 10:13

The further lying is even worse. Making you think you asked him to get the money out.

You need to know why he needs or wants the money.

I get that he earns more and therefore pays more. That's fine and makes sense. But I was wondering if he feels that the situation is unfair (rightly or wrongly) and felt a sense of entitlement to your money.

That's doesn't make it ok. It's still a shitty thing to do and means he has a bad attitude. But it's that or he is in massive debt or has some sort of gambling/prostitute problem.

wheezing · 29/07/2018 10:13

Yes I’d be going to him now and saying calmly that you need him to log on now to his internet banking and to the kids accounts and showing you what’s in them.

PerfectlyImperfectx · 29/07/2018 10:13

Op, you can’t change the PIN but you can withdraw some cash to keep you going then call Barclays and report your card as lost. They’ll order a new card and pin for you. Sometimes they can order it to the branch so you can collect it to save it from coming through the post.

Just seen your post about DH crying upstairs. You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I would be fuming too but I do think there may be more to this... I would have a chat when you’ve calmed down.