DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

So you still don't know why he took the money, crying upstairs is clear way of stopping that conversation wasn't it.

I'd go upstairs and tell him to stop the bullshit and tears and come downstairs and have an honest grown up conversation. Because A) if you asked him to get you money out of YOUR account why didn't he give it to you and B) if he had given you YOUR money you wouldn't be paying on the card that he had hidden from you, yo would have used the cash he supposedly gave you.

And that you are now going to go through you account to see how much he has taken from your account without your permission.

Firstly change the pin pronto.

Wow.

He's gaslighting, manipulating, lying and now SOBBING?

Wtaf?

An alternative to sobbing is getting-angry-at-such-ridiculous-accusations if any questions are asked. Like sobbing, it allows someone to leave the room without answering any questions.

If he'd have said, "oh I'm a bit short, can l get some cash on your card", it would be OK. But to take the card without permission is deceitful, and if it's cash, my first thought is coke.
If he was having problems with work ( i.e. self employed so threat of business going under) would be tell you? Chances are you would know about that.
Unless he's a total bastard, he probably wouldn't use your money to find an affair, so probably drugs or gambling.
Search his pockets and likely stash places while he's busy upstairs sobbing.
Make sure you check the car, too.
Sorry, this is really awful for you.

Tell him about suspicious transactions and that you are contacting the bank . If it's a genuine explanation that's when he'll tell you, then go from there

Tell him you want immediate access to all accounts - his as well as yours. He's given you no explanation for where this money has gone and you need to find out now. You can do experian reports online. Get them done for both of you today. Check for secret additional borrowing, credit cards or loans you don't know about. Hopefully your mortgage is joint and he cannot borrow against the house.

Personally, I couldn't live with a man who I couldn't trust with mine and my children's bank accounts. This is ltb territory - he has already tried to gaslight you.

This all points to something being wrong with him IMO. Stealing money, lying, crying about it? Might he have a gambling or alcohol problem?

Wow loads of deceit. Sorry to hear this op. Massively fucks up your trust and respect for him. Wish I had advice other than prepar yourself. Ask him to tell you, now is the time to come clean about everything.

Keep copies of any bank statements and highlight the suspicious cash withdrawals, this will help if you need to take it further

imnotreally. Wow. Yes I have!!! Not from my dh. However as I child I was mentally and physically abused by my father and saw him put my mother in hospital on a number of occasions. How dare you make assumptions on my life because I disagree with you. Which is essentially a form of bullying is it not?

There are fine lines at play here and the most loving of dogs can bite when backed in a corner. Situations can be more complicated than ticking behaviours off a list and screaming abuse. Yes things can start small and this could be the start of abuse. However I think it’s worth seeing if the person you said you would support through better or worse needs your help rather than kick him out label him as an abuser.

Hes now giving me the silent treatment!
As if the world didn't have enough dickheads, now we're +1!

Spouses stealing from each other?
I didn't steal from him, so the comment is odd
Calling your husband a 'fucker' for taking YOUR money?
Yes it's MY money! Yes he's centairly st minimum a big shitty fucker for withdrawing money pretty much every day this week, and when confronted making my think I asked him to! He's also a manipulative dick for telling me he found my card on the floor on two separate occasions when clearly he took it
It's not a money issue, it's a trust issue after 17 years together I started suddenly because of this, doubting other situations. Call me a shitty wife but I don't trust him now

To answer some posts, he doesn't have his own business. He's in a permanent very senior position. I suspect he overextended himself, and kind of lost it and made the wrong choices

Change the pin
Change your passwords
Check through your bank statements and find out how long this has been going on and how much has been taken
Check your kids accounts
Check your credit rating
Check credit cards, joint bank accounts
Sit him down and ask what's going on - but double check everything and don't expect him to tell the truth - he's likely to only admit what you already know
He's lying - he didn't find your card on the floor, you didn't ask him to take money out. They are lies which he knows aren't convincing. He was with you in the shop when your card was declined because he had taken the money out of it. He must know that he was going to get caught out - so either he'd very confident he can gaslight you, very dim, or very desperate.

Secure originals/copies of as many things as you can find. Bank statements, mortgage statements, wage slips, savings, insurance - anything and everything financial.

I’d be concerned about what he’s doing with the money.

Cover yourself for absolutely all possibilities

Have you asked him why he took it and what for?

You need to figure out the extent of any financial problems as quickly as possible.

You say he earning a lot more than you and is paying for most of your outgoings. Do you have you access to bank accounts? Has the mortgage been paid? Have utilities been paid? Have credit cards been paid? Can you run a credit score online through Clear Score or Experian.

Actually, I just saw MotherofTerriers outlined what I wanted to say perfectly.

This is fairly bad, so i suspect you're going to find out more. As to why he was stealing from you. He may also have taken from the other accounts.

And yes, I get you, my husband and I have our own accounts and a joint account and as much as we perceive everything as basically joint anyway, neither of us would take the others card without their knowledge and take money without knowledge.

I took a tenner out my husband's wallet on Thursday as I was short on cash, but I said to him "I've taken a tenner out your wallet" he shrugged. End of conversation. I wouldn't repeatedly secretly take money, then lie about it, then cry. It's odd. So something is wrong.

Priority is to find out why he’s taken the money, not throw labels at him.

When you find out, then you can put a name to it - I.e. cheat, gambler, profligate spender etc..

Also, just putting it out there - if op is now earning more money and DH has always shouldered the larger expenses due to his larger income, maybe he feels he’s ‘owed’ the money on some level. Not saying he’s right to take it, or to go about it in the way he did, but would hope it was something stupid like that, than any of the above.

Could he have lost his job and not told you? I do think his behaviour is really odd. You need to find out why he has done this.

A withdrawal every day this week? There's something badly wrong here. He must tell you what's happened, no matter how ashamed of it he is - and it sounds as if he is. The fact that he's basically cleaned your account out makes me wonder if he wanted - consciously or subconsciously - to be found out.

I hate to say this but if you have valuables jewellery etc I would check it is still there and consider hiding it elsewhere. If it is gambling etc he might get desperate and take it.

Sorry this is happening to you.

YOU'RE getting the silent treatment? After HE'S been caught stealing from you?

I'm very sorry this is happening to you

I agree change the pin and tell him you are going to ask the bank about transactions you don't recognise
.
Though I am afraid you are liable if you have told him the PIN, but that doesn't mean it won't scare him. Why does he know your PIN?

The more I think about this the more mad I get. Yes, of course he might have serious financial problems but the way to deal with it isn't to steal from your own wife and then gaslight her into thinking she gave permission.

OP, I reckon if you spent a couple of hours today (while he's ignoring you, maybe?) on your online statements you'd be able to uncover the extent of it and, importantly, when it started. And yes, check your children's accounts and jewellery etc.