DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

As my mum said when an ex did something similar

If they can lie about something little they are a liar full stop and can lie about anything

Doesn't matter how long you've been together it's a trust issue

I'd be dumping him!

He has money, we have lots of expenses but he makes good money and he s paying for most of our outgoing . Yes separate account so yes seems like stealing

Why is he paying for most of your outgoings and then stealing from your personal account?
He could have just asked for you to pay an extra £200 towards your family outgoings.

Very strange behaviour on his part.

'Projecting'? What exactly do you mean by this @footballmum in terms of the comments I and others have made - why is it projecting?!?

Just to clarify he makes much much much more than me a year , so yes he puts in the household much more than me

Him having a free pass on my card especially since I started earning more is stealing and fucks up the trust. It's absolutely fucking irrelevant who makes more, I would never ever ever ever take his card without asking first

I confronted him. Initially asked if he knows anything about these transactions as worries and calling my bank to go through cameras etc. Then he started : "oh wait that's me, because you asked me to take money " and all this shit trying to prove I'm crazy I don't remember
I specifically mentioned the incident yesterday at the supermarket where he suddenly came up with my card. Initially he denied taking money out yesterday morning which cause my card being declined then he admitted but said he told me he would do it. All this crap out of nowhere. Some of the crap around me having this odd agreement that he can help himself to my card here and there
We had a massive argument, I brought in him working late on two separate occasions which normally I wouldn't have an issue with but now I have a massive trust issue

He's upstairs sobbing

Lesson to myself : never trust anyone!

Bellabutterfly2016 I agree

You need to get the bottom of why he's taking the money, but firstly
protect yourself by changing your pin
Ask him about the transactions, if he denies then explain you will need to report fraudulent activity to bank.
Get a copy of your credit report, if his account is for main household outgoings I would be wanting to check he is actually paying them.

footballmum this freaked me out. He has access to kiddies account I ve asked him if he took any money out and he said no
I ll go tomorrow and start a new account I think, totally separate one to start saving for kids. I never ever thought I'd have to resort to stuff like this but there you go

Sobbing eh? Self pity cos he's been caught out. I expect you've changed your PIN now? First things first.....

So he’s paying for all expenses but sometimes withdraws money from your account. Why don’t you share bills etc because it seems you have spare cash but he doesn’t

"He did have a couple of late working nights, for which for the first time in so many years I got suspicious but then I brushed off"

Is he stupid generally (genuine question)? Because if he were doing something that he doesn't want you to know and pretends to be working late, why on earth would he then take money from you rather than himself. Unless he was broke, surely he must see that using your account is much more likely to lead you discovering what's going on.

Sorry to hear that OP. Has he actually given you an explanation for why he wanted or needed the money? Seems odd that if he earns way more than you he needs to help himself to your money too! Or is that he just thinks he’s somehow entitled to it?

No haven't changed the PIN yet as I need to go to a BARCLAYS machine to do it can't do online
I've hid the card though

I'd have to run an Experian report I think. Very odd behaviour from him.

You need to ask him to share everything about his banking and bill paying, and get the credit report as yours will be linked through any joint stuff like mortgage, I suspect the sobbing is because he knows it is all going to come out now, Sorry OP this has happened to you, hopefully everything else will be in order.

Is he stupid generally
Well he's caught so he's not Einstein is he?

I believe confronting him was the best choice to make and well done. now if you are happy with him and there are no other problems get to the bottom of the why he did it.
you say he doesn't need your money so why would he take this risk?
communication is the way forward
good luck and hugs

For me the lying and secrecy would be worrying. There could be many reasons for his behaviour but I’d want to know the truth to decide the next step.

fuzzyfozzy you mean to get his credit score? Can I do this for someone else? Would they know ?

Sobbing? That's fucking weird.

purplemunkey because he's already lied!

But what's he said he spent it on?

I agree that this could be the top of the iceberg and he's upset because problems with debt are about to be uncovered.

If this is the case OP please make sure he/you get some proper advice from CAB or similar. I would also be checking my credit report right now - and trying to get him to do his too. You can get them free online through Noddle.

I'm thinking gambling, too. It's something about the apparently random nature of the withdrawals: I can just imagine someone losing a fair bit of money, and being desperate to win some back, going through that "If I only had another £100/£200, I could win it all back". And if the withdrawals happened on "working late" nights, that fits too: in a casino or a bookies gambling.

People with addictions don't behave rationally, and they will tell all sorts of lies to cover their tracks.

Once he's over the shock and embarrassment of being found out, you may be able to have an open and frank discussion about it OP, and decide where you go from there. There's a fair amount of help out there for people with this sort of problem.

As you are tied to him financially, I'm not sure if it will show on yours, you can get free Experian reports for yourself though through the Martin Lewis website moneysaving expert. I use that as it is free. Get him to get one also, if he says no, then you will know something is amiss