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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withdrawing cash behind my back

627 replies

FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:28

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

  1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
  2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money
WWYD
OP posts:
niketrainersarecomfy · 29/07/2018 17:18

Gambling

Tentomidnight · 29/07/2018 17:22

Have you worked out the total amount he’s taken? (not just the £380 in July)

MuttsNutts · 29/07/2018 17:23

Why did he take such a risk?

If he is having some kind of midlife crisis the risk would just add to the excitement.

If he has no history of gambling or drugs, my money is on prostitutes.

The stealing is one thing. The lying and gaslighting is another. I wouldn’t need a prostitute/drug/gambling addiction to make my mind up for me.

If all this sobbing is completely out of character it could be depression as well (or simply a manchild caught in his lies) but that wouldn’t excuse the way he has behaved towards you.

I hope you find out what the hell he has been up to but I think you’ll have to be the one to get to the bottom of it - he doesn’t sound like the kind of man who would come clean judging by his behaviour up to now.

Greatorb · 29/07/2018 17:25

Going from previous experience, could it be a gambling problem, and using your account so that you notice as a cry for help?

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2018 17:30

Op is there something else in your marriage going on? For you to feel it was spite or another woman says something.

I've been with my husband longer, 29 years, since I was 20 and if he did this and was sobbing my immediate reaction would be there was a financial problem he hadn't told me about, that something must be very, very wrong.

But you went in a very different direction, your assumption is spite or another women, which could be telling about something else going on in your marriage for you to go there?

RebelRogue · 29/07/2018 17:31

He needs to come clean. Then you can make up your mind. This doesn't mean that certain reasons (depression,debts etc) would justify or excuse in any way the lying and gaslighting.

And if he's not willing to come clean? It's all lost anyways.

mummmy2017 · 29/07/2018 17:33

Drink, is my bet,

He has spent all his. So using your cash to take out money to buy it in the shop.
If it is your local shop he is using each day, take a photo and go ask them...

mysticpizza · 29/07/2018 17:36

But then it wouldnt be Because I didn't marry a dickhead

Well lucky ole you then Hmm

Let's hope your breathtaking complacency doesn't come back to bite you in the arse.

OP, you are doing great. Keep digging. He lost the right to privacy the very first time he dipped into your account.

mirialis · 29/07/2018 17:36

Well do not ignore that instinct you can't shake off because he won't tell you the full truth at first (as someone said it will be drip, drip, drip) but you need to pursue it to the truth.

The resentment and jealousy thing is not necessarily a million miles off... maybe he really is feeling ground down by the fact he hates his job and has to support the family and feels kept on a leash unlike his brother that goes out getting hammered.... he honestly wouldn't be the first husband to have those feelings and lash out/behave shadily as a consequence even if that doesn't involve an OW but more a "fuck it, I deserve this" blowout.... but you do need to do a total forensic check of his bank statements/online account to see where he's been spending on his card and what cash withdrawals he's making. It will give you a good picture of what's going on.

niketrainersarecomfy · 29/07/2018 17:37

Robbing someones money is not indicative of depression. What an insult to people with mh problems. A bit like saying schizophrenics are all going to stab you

MonaLisaSimpson · 29/07/2018 17:37

Wow just read this thread and you're doing so well OP. I would give him ONE chance to admit everything, explain himself without trying to blame you, and to show some actual remorse, before slinging him out.

mummmy2017 · 29/07/2018 17:38

My sisters partner took money from her account, she gave him Pin so not theft, bank told me that, when they got me to draw 100 out once for them when I'll and he tried to say he would have me done for theft.
He would offer to fill up the car. Put £5 in and drink £15 in the morning before the school run was over...
Go ask at the shop. When sister asked at shop near the school. They said yeah he drank loads...

BewareOfDragons · 29/07/2018 17:39

The fact that he says he has to wait until he gets paid to pay back the almost £400 from this month alone is worrying. He makes 4x what you do ... where is it all going (after bills)?

So he needed his money AND yours to do what with ... as he can't pay you back now ...

Get yourself checked out OP. Something is clearly going on. I'm sorry.

Storminateapot · 29/07/2018 17:42

Surely if he was drinking to that level OP would smell alcohol on him? I know from bitter experience that alcoholics often don't appear to be drunk, but you can still smell the booze.

mirialis · 29/07/2018 17:43

Depression can make people behave in ways they wouldn't normally. Some people would normally think nothing of shagging around or stealing, for others it's behaviour that is entirely out of character. No one is saying all shitty behaviour is indicative of depression or that all people suffering from depression exhibit shitty behaviour.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2018 17:48

The fact that he says he has to wait until he gets paid to pay back the almost £400 from this month alone is worrying

I thought this, it indicates all the money is spent, his and hers.

niketrainersarecomfy · 29/07/2018 17:50

No it doesnt, except when men behave badly then on MN they are either autistic or depressed.
Having an affair isn't because of depression-depression often kills sex drive. It is because you are disrepectful and selfish.

riceuten · 29/07/2018 17:50

I suspect he's probably a gambler and has run out of cash in his own account and has resorted to taking money from yours. In small enough quantities (he hoped) that you wouldn't notice

Your choice

a) confront him
b) tell him you're reporting the fraud to the bank, and ask them to retrieve the CCTV footage of the withdrawer (I don't honestly think they'd do this, but it might prompt him to own up)
c) change the PIN for sure, whether you tell him or not
d) seriously reconsider why you're with this treacherous, thieving, lying little toad.

Honeyroar · 29/07/2018 18:03

It's interesting that he can't pay you anything back until payday despite the fact that he stole from you yesterday- where's that gone? I think he owes someone dodgy money, it would kind of tie in with the "fight".

But really it doesn't matter, it's the lying that's the issue.

LoveProsecco · 29/07/2018 18:06

Stay strong OP. His behaviour is not normal, having RTFT I also suspect gambling

Esspee · 29/07/2018 18:08

There should be a way of blocking contributions from those who haven't RTFT!
OP he is out of the house deleting anything incriminating. I wouldn't let him back in to be honest.
Stay strong.

placebobebo · 29/07/2018 18:10

So sorry Op.
I think you are right with the thinking that he's done it out of spite. He will have known how much was in the bank when he drew it out and he would have known there wasn't enough to cover the shopping. So he stood there and watched you be humiliated by having your card declined.
Whatever has gone wrong in his life he seems to be blaming and taking it out on you with these petty acts of contempt, to teach you a lesson of some sort.
Accompanied by the subsequent crocodile tears and gas lighting means he holds you in contempt and has no respect for you at all.
That betrayal is the sting you are feeling now Sad.

The trust and mutual respect have gone. Do you want to try to rebuild it? Should you even think of it? Only you can answer that.

notapizzaeater · 29/07/2018 18:25

What's he spent yesterday's money on if he can't afford to pay you back ? Was he out if the house yesterday t9 spend it.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 29/07/2018 18:27

If it was drink though wouldn’t you smell it, people who drink a lot reek of it or does he have a drink each evening anyway

HelloEllo · 29/07/2018 18:31

I agree with Bluntness upthread. If my partner stole from me I'd immediately think he's was in trouble, not that he was seeing another woman.